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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel frustrated about lack of alone time

46 replies

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 08:48

Ok, so I realise I might be being unreasonable but thought I’d ask for other people’s perspective. I have 2 dc. One adult ds and an 11 year old ds. My post really is about finding intimacy with my dh which I know can be difficult for a lot of people with their partners, especially when they have dc but lately it’s getting impossible for me and my dh. Our youngest ds doesn’t sleep well so nighttime it doesn’t happen often. and our eldest who is at uni but still lives at home is hardly ever actually in uni. It’s not that he’s not committed to the course, he’s doing his work and is getting amazing grades so far but a lot of his classes are being changed, often at the last minute and he is given the choice to do some work at home which he of course he then chooses to do. My dh has works but has most mornings at home as do I and we’ve been trying now for almost a month to have some alone time and it just isn’t happening. We planned to have some us time this morning but our ds has been told he doesn’t need to go in uni today as he completed his module yesterday and today is only for students who are behind or struggling with the work. I know it sounds selfish but I can’t help but crave time with dh. Dh doesn’t see what the issue is with today as even though we live in a 3 bed house we use the 3rd bedroom as a play room for our youngest and me dh sleep downstairs as we have an extra room that we’ve converted into a bedroom. Dh said ds is asleep and probably will be until lunchtime as he was up late so he doesn’t see why we can’t have some alone time. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Associatepeggy · 25/02/2022 09:38

Doddery? That should be older. Lol

Sceptre86 · 25/02/2022 09:39

*work on your 11 year olds sleep unless they have sen

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:40

Yeah when our kids eldest was little we have sex at night when he was asleep but then he slept really well and never woke during the night. Now that he’s an adult he’s up until all hours of a weekend.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:40

@Jacamoz

Yeah that’s what my dh said. We are on a different floor and ds is asleep but for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable. Dh is happy to leave it but he’s frustrated the same as I am.

So you're back to my first question, -it seems like you want the house to be empty to have sex in if it's during the day and if it's at night you want your adult son and DS11 to be fast asleep before you'll have sex in your own bedroom?

Reading that out loud maybe you can see it's a bit excessive and unnecessary

What do you think everyone else does? I have 3 now teens, the older two would stay up awake long after is be asleep but in their bedrooms, my youngest toddler used to get up after bedtime/in night and constantly come into me. I used lock on my door to give me time to react and opened it when she woke to take her back to bed. Otherwise noone would have sex ever once they have DCs...

RosiePosieDozy · 25/02/2022 09:42

You have to be creative. Wait until DC2 is asleep and don't do it on top of the covers in case he did come in.

And it doesn't just have to be done in the bed. Wait until they are both asleep and go into the bathroom. You can lock the door in there.

Also definitely try some nights away.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:43

I think the fact when I was a child I heard my mum and dad at it multiple times has definitely affected how I see things. I wouldn’t want my kids hearing me and dh.

OP posts:

Associatepeggy · 25/02/2022 09:45

@Jacamoz

I think the fact when I was a child I heard my mum and dad at it multiple times has definitely affected how I see things. I wouldn’t want my kids hearing me and dh.

So have you only have had sex since your oldest was old enough to understand when they have been out?

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:45

The bathroom? Our bathroom is sandwiched between both ds’s bedrooms so that’s a definite no.

OP posts:

Aderyn21 · 25/02/2022 09:56

I'm with the OP. Not everyone can relax enough to do it anyway. My kids are pretty nocturnal - it's hard to concentrate when someone is clattering pans in the kitchen or playing call of duty!
I wouldn't want to say to my kid that I'm having a romantic evening - eww

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 10:00

I’m glad someone else gets it. My eldest doesn’t come into our room but he goes into the kitchen which is not far from our bedroom. Then my 11 year old doesn’t sleep well so yeah it can be hard to relax and get into the right frame of mind.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 25/02/2022 10:07

It's hard to picture your setup, but maybe you need to swap round the rooms in your house, so your bedroom is further away?

Absolutely get a lock. Your son will get used to it. If you're embarrassed by the lock, say it's for when you're "getting changed". Otherwise you'll be constantly on edge.

Movingonup22 · 25/02/2022 10:13

Christ don’t text your son to tell him you’re about to shag or ask him to leave the house!! Honestly that is so grim.

I think have some weekends away, lock on the bedroom and otherwise just work around it!

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 10:32

Oh I wouldn’t dream of doing that.

OP posts:

Movingonup22 · 25/02/2022 10:36

Oh yes I totally get that isn’t your approach - but other posters on this thread - soooo grim….

My friend still tells the story of her parents having sex in a shared hotel room when she was a teenager. And her parents where otherwise great lovely parents - but it’s clearly stuck in her mind and haunted her…

Pinkdelight3 · 25/02/2022 12:20

Adult DS might be there a lot less if you start having sex during the daytime. Would that not be an okay outcome?

Pinkdelight3 · 25/02/2022 12:23

"My lectures have been cancelled today so I'm staying home."

"Oh shit, me and your dad were planning a big sesh."

"Yikes, I'm going out... to look at student accommodation!"

Not quite that, but in essence.

Movingonup22 · 25/02/2022 12:37

@Pinkdelight3 you think it’s a good result if the OP makes her son move out by making him feel uncomfortable by having sex? Again so grim

The OP sounds like she actually quite likes her son

Pinkdelight3 · 25/02/2022 12:52

I love my sons, and I loved my parents. I still moved out when I grew up and my DS will hopefully be able to the same. I'm not saying OP's son has to move out. I'm with those saying a couple shouldn't have to curtail their lives to the extent that OP describes and it's reasonable as an adult for her DS to at least be thinking about his parents' needs to have their home to themselves without him being around every day. And that it's not unreasonable for DS to be made aware of that if he's still in that self-absorbed phase where it hasn't even crossed his mind.

I'm sure DS likes his mum too, so it won't be grim. He can go out, they can do what they do. Everyone's fine and dandy. But if it's a nudge towards his ultimate independence, so what? She presumably doesn't want him living there indefinitely. Liking your DC doesn't have to entail that.

HoppingPavlova · 25/02/2022 13:04

It’s just life. We have a house full of young adults, all coming and going so there’s rarely ever anyone not home. We would not have sex when they are at home as it would be obvious and I believe really disrespectful. It’s completely different to young kids who go to bed early and are unaware. It would be a rare occasion to have the house to ourselves and on the times we do there’s the fear of someone coming home half way through. Just means it’s off the table most of the time. No point being antsy about it.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 13:47

Of course I like and love my son lol. Like I said I assume he’s aware that me and his dad have sex but I don’t feel the need to advertise it or make him feel uncomfortable by asking him to go out of his own home.

OP posts:

RosiePosieDozy · 25/02/2022 14:44

I do know what you mean. I 100% agree. I wouldn't want my DC to ever hear me having sex no matter what age they are. And I wouldn't be asking older DC to leave the house so I could do it. It's their home too.

I think because the bathroom isn't appropriate, you will have to go for discreet under the cover intimacy that you can stop if interrupted. There are more discreet positions, e.g. spooning.

And your other option is to try and go away just the two of you.

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