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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel left out by my friend with her christening arrangements

37 replies

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 09:18

Bit of background - I am one of a group of 4 mums who all have dc's born within a couple of months of each other who met when they were little. Since then one of the other mums has gone on to have a second little girl 4 months ago. Recently I had started to feel a little left out since returning to work and not being able to see them as much but to cut a long story short we cleared the air before Christmas and I thought that was that.

A couple of days ago the mum with the new baby tells me she is getting her christened but they are having a small do (unlike with her ds) with family and godparents only and she hoped I wasn't upset. No problems say I - its your call and I would never ben disappointed by that as you need to do what you want. She then tells me she has chosen the other 2 mums to be godparents for her dd and hoped I wasn't disappointed but as I didn't believe in God anyway she presumed not.

I was a bit taken aback to be honest. Actually not upset about the godparents thing as I wouldn't ask me either with me not believing in God. And I don't think its a reflection on me or my parenting / friendship skills. But I do now feel upset and excluded about not going to the christening when the others will all be there. Despite STILL understanding why she wouldn't ask me in this situation I would have invited the other mum so she didn't feel left out.

Not sure what I want - I don't want her to feel I am upset and invite me out of a guilt trip. Just don't know where to go now. I am upset and I think it will be pretty obvious when we talk about it. But I don't know if I should say anything as then she will feel bad about not asking me and I still think she should do exactly as she wants for a day like this that is about them and not me.

Sorry for blethering on! If you have managed to get this far and get where I am at (not even sure I do!!!) I'd be grateful for your opinions as to whether I am unreasonable to feel like this and what I should do now.

OP posts:

AMerryScot · 03/01/2008 09:21

They have to draw the line somewhere, and have drawn that line at family and godparents. YABU.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 03/01/2008 09:23

You are being unreasonable.

FairyFay · 03/01/2008 09:24

In your situation I think I'd be quite upset as well.

DrNortherner · 03/01/2008 09:24

Actually I understand how you feel. I can understand why you are upset. If I were the other Mum I would be so concerned that you would be upset about not being a God Parent I would definatley invite you to the christening, to not invite you at all is a bit off imo.

YANBU.

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 09:29

DrNortherner you have summed up exactly why I am upset. Its not that I feel I have a right to go and I totally understand that she has to draw the line somewhere and why I fall on the other side of that line. But if it was my child's christening (for sake of argument) then I would have done exactly as you suggest.

OP posts:

FoghornLeghorn · 03/01/2008 09:29

I can totally see why you are upset.
I have been in a similar situation before, being left out of group of friends as I was pregnant again and the other 2 weren't - it's not nice.
Although ...... there is very little you can say/do about it (as i found) and you don't want to be invited because your friend now feels she has to.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 03/01/2008 09:38

How can she be Godparent if she does not believe in God ? What is the friend supposed to do, invite her on the sympathy ticket ??

FoghornLeghorn · 03/01/2008 09:40

I agree about the godparent bit, as does the OP, but to be completely left out of the celebration when there is a group of friends and you are the only left out is hurtful IMO

Baffy · 03/01/2008 09:43

I know she has to draw the line somewhere, but I can see why you're upset.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset.

But sadly I don't think there is much you can do in this situation. And you do understand why she has made her decision.

Baffy · 03/01/2008 09:44

Agree with FoghornLeghorn

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 09:46

Brie its not about the godparent bit - I thought I explained that? I wouldn't expect to be asked and I certainly don't expect her then not to ask the other 2 mums because she doesn't want to upset me as that would be majorly unreasonable and self centred of me! I am happy with not being a godparent!

I am however upset at being left out of the celebrations even though I fully understand why I have been. Its just not something I would do.

I also agree I probably can't say anything although I really would like to so the air is cleared. Think thats probably selfish of me though as she will then feel obliged to ask me and it will spoil it all for her

OP posts:

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 09:49

I guess on the background of feeling a little excluded before Christmas (even though that has been sorted and was misunderstandings rather than anything else) I WOULD like to ask her to confirm that the godparent thing is only about religion and that if I had been a Christian I would have been considered. But I think I will have to let that one ride.

OP posts:

Baffy · 03/01/2008 09:51

I'm with you in terms of feeling like I'd want to say something. In fact I know I'd have to say something especially if I was so hurt, and felt that a good friend had completely disregarded my feelings.

Right or wrong, in those situations I don't feel I can let those things eat away at me and would much rather speak up and then clear the air. I always think things like that are best out in the open.

(In light of your discussions/clearing the air before Christmas, I would say that this friend probably does know that by excluding you she will be hurting your feelings. Which imo, would make me question how good a 'freind' she really is. )

FoghornLeghorn · 03/01/2008 09:52

I agree with Baffy
Although I am one who wouldn't speak up, I let things eat away at me and then I build the situation up to be this great big vendetta against me, which maybe it wasn't.

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 09:56

Foghorn thats what I did before Christmas! And I think I probably do need to say something but I don't want to upset her.

Baffy I understand why you would think that about her too. Have to admit it has crossed my mind and it would have made me doubly anxious to invite her if the situation was reversed. But I actually don't think there is anything else going on here - I just think she has not really thought that one through.

OP posts:

lizandlulu · 03/01/2008 10:01

im not sure i would say anything as im am not good at speaking my corner, but yes would feel hurt and left out.
if you are good friends why do you think she hasnt invited oyu?
yes i understand she has to draw a line, but if that line ends at the friend, what is the point of the friendship? iyswim,
surely she could have just invited you to the christening, when she knows it would upset you to not be invited.
why would she want to upset you like this?
is she having a party at some place that costs £1000 pound a head??
what difference would an extra person make if you are good friends?

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 10:05

I guess she has drawn the line where she has because there are other friends (although not in the same group) she would then feel bad about not inviting. Which is why I understand - much easier to be able to say its family and gp's only.

However lizandlulu I do agree with you as well. This is what I would have done - made an exception for a friend who was part of the same group and the only one not to have been asked on the grounds that the others would never know and even if they did I could explain that too.

OP posts:

HairyIrene · 03/01/2008 10:08

am sorry have read op and some of other posts

its fine to feel a bit upset esp given circs earlier with them,
but
also you have to respect their decision for godparents and size of gathering etc

and she did speak to you and try to explain

i would try and be the big person and give lovely gift and card and suggest coffee shop / play date when you can all get together and have a natter and a play...

..take it from there..

lizandlulu · 03/01/2008 10:14

i dont know about you blearyeyed, but if i was in your situation, i would still stay friends with her, but something would not be right when i saw her.
i would always feel like i was left out.
but thats just me and me silly feelings which are hurt at the slightest of things!
i hope you can overcome this with her, and like hairyirene said the best thing to do is probably rise above it and act the bigger person

alicet · 03/01/2008 10:56

I am in a similar situation and I feel a bit hurt and upset like you do.

Not sure what I will do about it to be honest. Don't want to go if she has chosen not to invite me (not being petulant here although appreciate it sounds that way!). But can't help feeling hurt by her decision.

Agree with posters who say unfortunately there probably isn't anything you can do thouhg

fireflyfairy2 · 03/01/2008 11:05

I would be very hurt if I was in this situation.

Are you friendly enough with the 2 other girls? I'd think if it were me that were friends with you & this other friend suggested something along the lines of not inviting you I would voice my opinion.. but then I am vocal in regard to wrong doings.

I guess you can't force someone to invite a person who they feel they don't want there, but what your friend has done is so very hurtful and in my opinion she has done this on purpose.

Are you the only one from the group that has went back to work? If so, then do you feel pushed out? Have any of the other 2 girls said anything to you re: christening?

madamez · 03/01/2008 11:08

I can see why you feel upset but think you have to just get over it. She's not obliged to invite you or anyone to any event if she doesn't want to. Whining to her might get you an invite but won't make the day any more enjoyable for you or anyone else.

Actually, given that you have already been feeling left out, it's quite possible that, for whatever reason, this woman doesn't want to have quite such a close friendship with you any more and is pulling away rather than actually 'sacking' you as a friend. This happens, and the only thing to do is deal with it and move on.

WanderingIdiot · 03/01/2008 11:13

You're back at work and your friend has had another baby. This situation has highlighted that you have less in common now.

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. Whilst it would be nice to be invited to the Christening, it is up the family how big/small they want it. You start with one exception to the rule and then it snowballs ime. So your lack of invitation is upsetting for you but not unreasonable of them.

Why do you feel left out - did you usually get together at times when you are now at work?

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 14:41

Yes wandering its a bit like that. I seem to have managed to be working on all the days we used to meet up. Still off for 2 but I end up using that time to do things that need to be done plus I am enjoying spending time with my ds and want that to be quality time not just sat in a highchair in a coffee shop while we mums catch up if you see what I mean? One of the other mums is also back at work and also feels a little like I do although not as much. She is also pregnant. I do get on with them both well esp this mum but haven't seen them to ask them about it yet. May give her a call....

Thanks for all of your helpful comments. I think I am going to let it lie about the christening although I might ask her if I would have been considered as a godparent if I had been a Christian and see how she reacts.

I think that those of you who think this is deliberate and shes not that good a friend are wrong but I would be thinking the same in your shoes so will just see how things go. If she is trying to distance herself from me it will become more rather than less obvious over time and I will deal with it.

OP posts:

rahrahrahrahrah · 03/01/2008 14:45

I can understand why you are upset. Your friend has telephoned you to explain why she has not invited you which is something I suppose but leaving you out suggests that she is not as close to you as perhaps you thought.

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