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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel left out by my friend with her christening arrangements

37 replies

blearyeyedandshattered · 03/01/2008 09:18

Bit of background - I am one of a group of 4 mums who all have dc's born within a couple of months of each other who met when they were little. Since then one of the other mums has gone on to have a second little girl 4 months ago. Recently I had started to feel a little left out since returning to work and not being able to see them as much but to cut a long story short we cleared the air before Christmas and I thought that was that.

A couple of days ago the mum with the new baby tells me she is getting her christened but they are having a small do (unlike with her ds) with family and godparents only and she hoped I wasn't upset. No problems say I - its your call and I would never ben disappointed by that as you need to do what you want. She then tells me she has chosen the other 2 mums to be godparents for her dd and hoped I wasn't disappointed but as I didn't believe in God anyway she presumed not.

I was a bit taken aback to be honest. Actually not upset about the godparents thing as I wouldn't ask me either with me not believing in God. And I don't think its a reflection on me or my parenting / friendship skills. But I do now feel upset and excluded about not going to the christening when the others will all be there. Despite STILL understanding why she wouldn't ask me in this situation I would have invited the other mum so she didn't feel left out.

Not sure what I want - I don't want her to feel I am upset and invite me out of a guilt trip. Just don't know where to go now. I am upset and I think it will be pretty obvious when we talk about it. But I don't know if I should say anything as then she will feel bad about not asking me and I still think she should do exactly as she wants for a day like this that is about them and not me.

Sorry for blethering on! If you have managed to get this far and get where I am at (not even sure I do!!!) I'd be grateful for your opinions as to whether I am unreasonable to feel like this and what I should do now.

OP posts:

inzidoodle · 03/01/2008 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberrylace · 03/01/2008 21:11

Think i would be upset too, but i would go with hairyirene's suggestion of present, card and invitation to coffee, rather than saying anything. I appreciate that these things are such a nightmare, which is why I think you can't do small events if you have lots of close friends. good luck with resolving it ....

Wilkie · 03/01/2008 21:13

YANBU

I think it is mean to leave you out of the celebration - particularly if you are a group of 4 mums who regularly get together.

If you were posting saying you felt left out not being a godparent then I would say YABU but no, I think she is being quite hurtful and I would be upset too.

CarGirl · 03/01/2008 21:20

I think it is difficult when you start of as a small group of mums going through your 1st pregnancy together then as time moves on, situations change you have less in common. They are probably meeting up more often your involvement becomes less and so on. I wonder if you need/want their friendship more than they do?

Sorry but I've seen it happen time and time again when I was working.

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 21:33

As the others have said, I don't think there is a solution to this that will please everyone, but I do not think yabu, not at all. I would be upset, just because I wasn't invited, not because of the godparent thing. Perhaps this may be the time to start widening your circle of friends?

ChocolateHobnob · 03/01/2008 21:44

I don't much 'get' christenings and so don't know the politics behind them... but YANBU. The fact that she told you she wasnt inviting you beforehand shows she was uneasy about it and knew it might be upsetting.

I wouldn't say anything just because tbh it wouldn't help. I would see her as a less close friend though as a result (though I don't think she was doing it to spite you, it does imply a certain distance).

Our wedding was v small and I only invited a handful of friends - not a money issue but an issue of wanting it to be small and intimate. However I invited the people who matter to me...

Good luck with resolving it though!

AnyasMum07 · 04/01/2008 08:09

I can understand why you're upset - yanbu. I think maybe it's just not occurred to your friend that you would be - she talked to you beforehand to make sure you weren't upset about not being a godparent, which you're not. In her head she's then just invited godparents to the christening and she's probably not thought any further than that. I'm not saying she's right but we've all made stupid decisions when suffering with baby brain (and how stressed/depressed is she after the birth?) - she might be mortified if somebody pointed out how she'd made you feel.

Try and see it as a genuine oversight, not an intentional snub. And yes, go with the big present/coffee/chat idea.

JodieG1 · 04/01/2008 08:22

What if the woman had other friends that would also be upset at not being invited though? She said family and godparents only so it's regardless whether the godparents are part of a circle of friends or not imo. Family and godparents only seems reasonable to me. Christenings aren't about the celebration at all and as you said you don't believe in God I don't see why you should be bothered.

Christenings are about welcoming a baby into the church not about the party afterwards.

PortAndLemonaid · 04/01/2008 08:41

I can see why you're upset, but I do think YABU.

She has other friends other than the three of you, presumably? If she is having a family-and-godparents-only christening then she won't be inviting those friends and they probably wouldn't be happy to be told that it was "family, godparents, and blearyeyedandshattered only". In fact, if she did invite you I can see the MN posts from her other friends now: "I've been friends with X for ten years. Now she's having a christening for her DD that I'm not invited to, because apparently it's family and godparents only fair enough, but I've heard on the grapevine that another friend of hers, who she's known for a much shorter period of time and who is definitely NOT a godparent (she doesn't even believe in God) has been invited, so clearly it's not really family and godparents only. AIBU to feel slighted? Is she trying to tell me something?".

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 04/01/2008 08:49

Thanks ladies for all your posts and insights. Can totally see where those of you who think IABU are coming from too.

Last night I decided to talk to her as I realised this wasn't in fact about the christning more the fact that I needed to know it wasn't about me being intentionally left out (as I was worried about before Christmas). I decided that if that wasn't the case I was happy about not being invited and that I could probably make her realise that so I didn't upset her or make her feel she had to ask me as a result.

So I basically said that I was totally fine with not being invited and more than happy not to be a godparent but that coupling the 2 together means that I am the only one out of 4 that will not be there and despite totally understanding all her reasoning I was a little upset at that. I said that the upset was my problem not hers as the more impoerant issue is that they have the day they want and not that she has to worry about me. But I wanted to ask whether if I believed in God I would have been in the running to be a godparent or were there other issues here. She (predictably) was really sorry that I'd been upset about it, said exactly as some of you have that other friends are not invited so she can't make an exception for me and that I would have definately have been considered as gp if I was a christian. And that she hopes I will have just as big a role in her dd's life as the other 2 mums who are gps and that we will be friends for a very long time.

So I am really glad I spoke to her as this was what I thought was the case but just needed to know really.

So thanks for all your help and advice even though I didn't necessarily take it .

OP posts:

PrismManchip · 04/01/2008 08:50

I don't believe in God either and so have never been asked to be a godparent. And I find this has irrationally irked me quite a bit!
I think atheists can underestimate how important the God bit is in the whole deal...basically - we are always going to 'miss out', regardless of other dynamics in the friendships.
It isn't missing out, though, it's just that we can't be part of the system.
(In some ways I feel people who don't believe but identify themselves as vaguely Church of England get the best of all possible worlds! No hassles over schools...get to be godparents...nobody bats an eyelid if they don't actually go to church...)

Wilkie · 04/01/2008 18:22

Prism - my DS has three godparents, two of which don't go to church but are 'Christian'. For me it is not so much about whether they believe in God but the fact that they were the people I wanted to be involved in DS's upbringing

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