Stepmother to ExH DC?

[namechanged0123456]

ExH and I have been divorced for 4 months. ExH has 2 DC from previous relationship aged 5 and 8. We were married for 3 years. We also have a 1 year old. DC and I now live in our own flat and have done for the past 8 months. Coparenting with our DC is sometimes challenging but generally smooth sailing.

Recently, he has been bringing his 2 DC with him whenever he drops off DC back to me. He tries to instigate conversation, random suggestions that we should all go out as a family one day. This makes me uncomfortable as I don't have feelings like that towards ExH anymore.

My issue is that I'm not comfortable going on days out with his 2 DC. I loved them while we were together and I still love them now.

But I have a separate family now that it's just me and DC in our own space again.

AIBU to not want to have much to do with ExH and his DC? Or am I being cruel?

Yanbu

Ex has probably just realised that day trips out are hard work on your own with three children and he wants some help.

YANBU. He wants you there as childcare. Just say not going to happen and repeat jntil be stops asking.

Agree with above, he wants you there for the help not for your benefit, when I split up with my ex he would only see the kids if I was there with him as he suddenly realised 4 kids was too hard to manage on his own (I was expected to though 😒) he just wants you there for support

Doing that would just prolong things tbh.

You would have these family days out and then either you or your ex will get a new partner and it will be confusing for the children.

Far better to separate your lives now and the children see that you in your new place is the end of you and your ex.

I think maybe a little unreasonable because they are your child's siblings. It's also hard for kids when a step parent just drops out of their life, if they had bonded with you. I think that marrying someone who has kids does bring an element of responsibility for their well-being even if you split with their parent because you chose to be part of their life, they didn't get a say.
So I think it would be nice to maintain contact and it's good for your child to have their whole family do things together sometimes.
Obviously only if your ex is a decent human.

YANBU.

There was a thread on the same thing a couple of weeks ago.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4481300-To-not-see-them-again

He moved pretty fast didn't he. You got married when his youngest was 2, after knowing him how long? Not your fault exactly, its on him, but this is why people on here counsel for potential step parents to be much more slowly and gradually introduced - must be hard for his kids to understand why you are withdrawing from them. You're not being unreasonable to draw firm boundaries of course but your DS and the stepkids are half siblings and should have a relationship. Maybe its a bit soon after the split but some low key, definitely kid friendly activities might not be completely impossible. It means so much to the kids if their grown ups can get on.

Yanbu. Have a clean break. For the sake of your dc.

YANBU. I would put a stop to that immediately. You are no longer their stepmother.

There was a thread on the same thing a couple of weeks ago

I remember that, same scenario I bed. Ex has realised how hard it is looking after kids without a woman taking on the lions share, tries to guilt trip said woman into helping him out.

He can do one.
Yanbu

Bet not bed

Thank you for your replies. I will read the thread pp posted. I feel torn because of course I still love his DC. They are wonderful children and are also my DC half-siblings. I want for DC to have contact with them for that reason alone.

I'm just not comfortable with the 'family' days out and admittedly, the constant bringing his DC with him when dropping our DC off.

Should I try to detach from his DC slowly as not to hurt or damage them? In doing so, would I be giving ExH mixed messages in terms of him thinking there is a reconciliation on the cards?

I'm just so torn. I want to do what is best for all of the children, not just mine.

It’s a difficult one. I still see my Exdh dd as my stepdaughter - she is sibling to my children, I love her and love having her around. That said she is in her 20’s and I have known her since she was 10 so it doesn’t give me any additional responsibility. She still thinks of me as her stepmum as well

They're all his family for hiM to organise days out together.
I hope he's only doing door drop offs, don't let them all in.
Tbh he'll be dropping hints to the kids soon

@forrestgreen

They're all his family for hiM to organise days out together. I hope he's only doing door drop offs, don't let them all in. Tbh he'll be dropping hints to the kids soon

Unfortunately, I have let them in on a few occasions where they have joined us for dinner, the children play together and then I tell everyone that it's DC's bath time now and then they leave. I think I'm going to stop allowing that now.

you don't mention your dsc's mother, is she still in the picture. it must be hard for them if you were effectively their only mother for those years. I think that you need to have a proper discussion with your ex about how best to deal with his and the children's different expectations.
good luck

There is no way to protect your former step children from being hurt. He has all the control and can stop you having any contact on a whim, so this is just going to drag out the heartbreak for them.

Yes, HE is the one who should be ensuring his children (who are half siblings) spend time together.

“ are also my DC half-siblings. I want for DC to have contact with them for that reason alone.”

That’s up to their dad, not you. YANBU.

@elvenqueen

you don't mention your dsc's mother, is she still in the picture. it must be hard for them if you were effectively their only mother for those years. I think that you need to have a proper discussion with your ex about how best to deal with his and the children's different expectations. good luck

Yes, she is active in DC lives but I don't have any relationship with her anymore. We used to have an amicable relationship where she could call about her DC anytime they were mine and ExH care, but since our divorce, that relationship has slowly expired over time.

YANBU
Do you want to see the children or do you think a cleaner break would be better for you?
Your Ex can facilitate contact between the siblings on his time

Family days out will only last until he finds somebody new and then you'll have to explain to your dc why you aren't on the trips out anymore. Start as you mean to go on. Your dc will have contact with her half-siblings when she sees her dad.

@FelicityPike

“ are also my DC half-siblings. I want for DC to have contact with them for that reason alone.”

That’s up to their dad, not you. YANBU.

But how when he wants for me to be out with them on these 'family trips' as well? I would need to be there for my DC regardless

@Uafasach

Family days out will only last until he finds somebody new and then you'll have to explain to your dc why you aren't on the trips out anymore. Start as you mean to go on. Your dc will have contact with her half-siblings when she sees her dad.

I never even considered this. Your right. Thank you

no family trips.
no meals for him.
but let him and them in for a coffee if you are up to it. you've been around for at least half their lives. i think they may need the adjustment time.