Page 2 | Stepmother to ExH DC?

namechanged0123456 · 2022-02-24T14:14:00+00:00

ExH and I have been divorced for 4 months. ExH has 2 DC from previous relationship aged 5 and 8. We were married for 3 years. We also have a 1 year old. DC and I now live in our own flat and have done for the past 8 months. Coparenting with our DC is sometimes challenging but generally smooth sailing. Recently, he has been bringing his 2 DC with him whenever he drops off DC back to me. He tries to instigate conversation, random suggestions that we should all go out as a family one day. This makes me uncomfortable as I don't have feelings like that towards ExH anymore. My issue is that I'm not comfortable going on days out with his 2 DC. I loved them while we were together and I still love them now. But I have a separate family now that it's just me and DC in our own space again. AIBU to not want to have much to do with ExH and his DC? Or am I being cruel?

whumpthereitis · 24/02/2022 14:55

He wants childcare. This isn’t for the benefit of your former stepchildren, it’s for him. If you did agree with this it would last for as long as it took him to find another woman to take over.

Beamur · 24/02/2022 14:58

I suspect this is because he doesn't want to look after all the kids by himself. It's not for your benefit.

Original poster

namechanged0123456 · 24/02/2022 15:03

@PicaK

no family trips. no meals for him. but let him and them in for a coffee if you are up to it. you've been around for at least half their lives. i think they may need the adjustment time.

Ok that's fair enough and I think I can do that. Coffee and milk for the kids, niceties, small talk, catching up with his DC. Announce DC's bath time and end of visit. I think I can do that for the sake of his DC as I do still love them and do not want to hurt or confuse them in any way.

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seekinglondonlife · 24/02/2022 15:05

Why would you need to be out on a trip for your dc? Do you not trust him on his own? For your dc's sake I would try to facilitate the relationship with the dsc, I'd let them come back to the house for half hour or so to play/see their sibling. Poor things, their DF moves on quickly, let's hope he slows down a bit next time and gets a vasectomy.

Original poster

namechanged0123456 · 24/02/2022 15:11

@seekinglondonlife

Why would you need to be out on a trip for your dc? Do you not trust him on his own? For your dc's sake I would try to facilitate the relationship with the dsc, I'd let them come back to the house for half hour or so to play/see their sibling. Poor things, their DF moves on quickly, let's hope he slows down a bit next time and gets a vasectomy.

It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that she is so young and if I'm honest, I suffer from anxiety so I think it's more a case of me over worrying. Especially having 2 other children to keep an eye on.

Yes, I agree with you. I have no problem with his DC's coming for milk and cookies and playing together for a little while. That's the necessary bonding that I don't want any of our DC's to miss out on.

Yes, he does move on quickly. A pp said that what happens when he does move on and you are no longer legally their stepmother? Good question.

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funinthesun19 · 24/02/2022 15:12

Yanbu. When do you all ever get to move forward with your lives if you’re doing “family days out”?
I know some people will come along on here say how lovely it will be for the children, but it will be sending so many mixed and wrong messages to them.

You deserve to be able to concentrate on your own new little family unit - just you and your DC. Your energy should be used on that. You need to look after you both and part of that is having boundaries.

And as for the children seeing each other, their father is more than capable of making sure they see each other without someone holding his hand or worse, doing it for him.

Dontbeme · 24/02/2022 15:30

So will the mother of the two oldest be on these "family" days out too? If not ask him why not, she is family too so why shouldn't she be there. Look OP I'm going to be honest you are going to need to toughen up, all these family days out, cooking his dinner when he drops of your DC for your own safe you need to stop. It sounds like he will be happy to use you to suit himself and before you know it you will be caring for all three children when your EX is out dating new women. It is up to the dad to ensure all three siblings had a close relationship, he needs to pull his socks up.

Eightiesfan · 24/02/2022 15:47

I would make an effort now and again as his children are also your child’s half-siblings. I don’t see the problem with him bringing his kids when he drops off your child as long as he doesn’t get them settled and expect you to make them dinner. I don’t know the background as to why you divorced, and In your shoes I definitely would not want to be used to help look after his children, but you mentioned you loved his kids, in turn they probably love you back so why not put some ground rules in place and see how it goes?

LookItsMeAgain · 24/02/2022 15:49

He is the parent in common with your child and the other children from his first marriage.

Your post where you said "I'm just so torn. I want to do what is best for all of the children, not just mine" shows to me that you are the one thinking of ALL of the children, not just the one that you have with him. It reads too like he isn't thinking of all of the children because it reads like he's looking for childcare help when he's out and about with his children.

Start as you mean to go on @namechanged0123456. You can facilitate access if he wants to arrange something that involves your child and the half-siblings but you're not going to play happy families with a man you've divorced and confuse things.

Original poster

namechanged0123456 · 24/02/2022 15:49

@seekinglondonlife sorry I think it double quoted you. I'm new to this site, apologies!

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SeasonFinale · 24/02/2022 15:54

Seriously your DC will have a relationship with their siblings when they visit him.

You should met be bringing them in even for milk and cookies - not this soon. Maybe in a year or so once they appreciate you are DC'S mum and not their ex stepmum

welshladywhois40 · 24/02/2022 15:54

Hello. My partner was in a similar situation where he has step children and a child from a previous relationship. He gently phased out of the relationship. So for the first year he was around more for the children and then it just naturally started reducing contact. The children are older, have their own interests which he isn't part of. But they are his sons older siblings so he will always have a interest in them:

We do the odd day out where all the children are present - his step children, my children their child and all adults.

We try and make it feel as normal as we can

Original poster

namechanged0123456 · 24/02/2022 19:00

@SeasonFinale You should met be bringing them in even for milk and cookies - not this soon. Maybe in a year or so once they appreciate you are DC'S mum and not their ex stepmum

Very good advice. I am just so torn but maybe you are right. Maybe it is too soon to have ExH DC close like that on a regular basis. I will take this into consideration when making my final decision. Thank you

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Tiredtiredtired100 · 24/02/2022 19:42

YABU to complain about him bringing his kids with him when dropping their sibling off at yours. If he’s taking care of them then where else do you expect them to be? To not even make small talk with them does seem cruel.

YANBU to not want family days out all together post divorce, but would you consider having your ex-step kids over for dinner once a month or something? So they can have bonding time with your DC with you there? I don’t think you’re obligated to do this and many will say it’s just free childcare for your ex, but if you still love your ex step kids and want to see and encourage their bond with your son then I would propose this.

RedCandyApple · 24/02/2022 19:44

YANBU to not want family days out all together post divorce, but would you consider having your ex-step kids over for dinner once a month or something? So they can have bonding time with your DC with you there? I don’t think you’re obligated to do this and many will say it’s just free childcare for your ex, but if you still love your ex step kids and want to see and encourage their bond with your son then I would propose this.

They will be doing this when they are with their dad though surely? Why do they need to have another day at ops house to bond, they will be bonding when they see their dad...

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2022 19:51

So you've been in the youngest's life since they were 2?

Were you close with them?

Surely this is upsetting for them?

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2022 19:57

It’s tricky because I would imagine it’s very difficult for the SC to no longer have you in their lives (assuming you got on well) and also it’s probably really nice for all the children to spend that extra time together as they are half siblings. I wouldn’t let him take advantage though and use you for childcare.

Original poster

namechanged0123456 · 24/02/2022 21:28

@Nanny0gg

So you've been in the youngest's life since they were 2?

Were you close with them?

Surely this is upsetting for them?

Yes I was close with them and still love them very much. I just want for an arrangement that doesn't feel like an obligation to appease ExH but rather one that is for the DC's and what is in their best interest going forwards.

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Original poster

namechanged0123456 · 24/02/2022 21:30

@TheSnowyOwl I wouldn’t let him take advantage though and use you for childcare.

I won't fall into that trap. I just want what is best for the children

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OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 24/02/2022 22:17

This all sounds very enmeshed and confusing for the children. Your ex can facilitate your child spending time with your stepkids during his contact time. You don't need to go on family days out and you shouldn't really be supervising his contact with your child unless there are major safeguarding concerns (unlikely as he has contact with the stepkids with no issues).

If you want to maintain occasional contact with the stepkids, saying hello at handovers seems a reasonable way to do that, but I'd not be doing milk and cookies every time! You can have a brief chat on the doorstep, or meet for handover in a public place like a park occasionally.

YABVVVU to object to your ex bringing the stepkids to handover though. What else is he meant to do with them, if he has contact with all of his kids together?

Lovemusic33 · 24/02/2022 22:23

I stayed in contact with my ex’s dc but they were a lot older so I could have contact without going through ex. I have had to be at several family events with ex but he has felt more awkward than me. I think ‘going out as a family’ with him and his dc is a bit odd, he can take all the dc out together on his own? I was lucky that I was friends with ex’s ex wife so could have contact with the dc with her blessing and without going through ex.