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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how couples with kids schedule in the time for sex?

57 replies

BookAnAppointment · 24/02/2022 12:04

Me and DH are in late 30s. Sex has taken a dive over the last few years due to a combination of factors and I wanted to ask how other couples manage to have the time to relax, enjoy each others company, and have sex more than once a week (if we're lucky!) if:

You both work full time (he has quite a manual job and I work NHS shifts) and are exhausted when you get home every night and just want to have a shower and go to bed ready to do it all again the next day (ad finitum).

If you don't have any family that supports at all, ever.

If you have a pre teen child or children that are at home most of the time. For context our DD is 12 and suffering from an eating disorder. Things have been incredibly tough but she is quite withdrawn because of this and mainly seeks comfort from being at home/around us. We also live in a smallish 3 bed semi with thin walls.

So while we get on fine, we are struggling with a lack of "alone time" and general knackeredness and stress. How does everyone else manage, I cannot imagine I am alone in my circumstances?

OP posts:
Redlorryyellowduck · 24/02/2022 12:24

I think its pretty normal to be in the once a week club. No advice but lots of us are in the same boat and just muddling through day to day.

QforCucumber · 24/02/2022 12:29

2 kids, 0 family support, 2 full time jobs, once kids are in bed and we are showered/shorted for the next day there's around 30 mins (about 9pm ish) where we either snuggle together on the sofa and watch an episode of something or we head to bed - but agree with pp it is around once or twice a week atm.

VapeVamp12 · 24/02/2022 12:35

Oh god I feel awful - I thought once a week was quite a lot :-/

CornishGem1975 · 24/02/2022 12:38

I have teens, primary age and a baby in our house. We don't 'schedule', we do it when we go to bed generally. Probably 2-3 times a week, but we've always done it a lot. (As in pre-baby it was more like 5 times a week).

It's completely normal though to struggle to find both time and motivation, some people don't manage once a month!

Movingsoon21 · 24/02/2022 12:40

I think once a week at this stage of life is pretty impressive tbh!

Usernameismyname01 · 24/02/2022 12:42

go to bed 30 mins earlier?

older children tend to lie in more on a weekend - so Saturday/Sunday morning?

weekend afternoon - child watching movie, 1 parent already upstairs "cleaning" other parent downstairs "washing clothes" - take these up stairs and its quickie time - child wont come looking for at least 15mins (if not more)

booked annual leave before now for this sole intention or informed work about a dentist appt. and arrived in work a hour later than normal

There is always time if you are willing to make it, might just not look like the kind of sex you have had in the past but it is still a connection to each other and quite funny hiding together to get a quickie in.

We have been know to play around in the garage / shed / bathroom - anywhere where the kids are not!

LittleGwyneth · 24/02/2022 12:44

If you're having sex once a week, and it's decent quality sex which you both enjoy, then I really don't think you need to be worried about this. It's genuinely not about how often you do it (though a sexless marriage is defined at fewer than 10 times per year). The issues with sex in marriage are when:

  • One person wants it more than the other and feels shortchanged
  • One person is consistently unsatisfied by the type of sex they're having.
  • Either person feels pressured to have sex.

If you're enjoying sex once a week, please try and take the pressure off. If you do both want to have sex more often then some helpful options are:

  • Going to be at the same time as each other, as early as you can manage.
  • Sleeping naked or in as little clothing as possible to get skin on skin contact.
  • Exchanging fantasies, links to literotica, or memories of previous sex you've had which still gets you going.
  • If at all possible try to get away. If a holiday / mini break isn't an option, most major cities have day use hotels where you can rent a room for a few hours which adds a sense of naughtiness, like you're having an affair.
  • Remember that sex doesn't have to be PIV. Mutual masturbation and similar activities can be great fun and help up the level of sexual contact in your marriage.
NinjaQueen · 24/02/2022 12:52

We go to bed at 9, put the fan on and the tv to cover any quiet noise and lock the door. We manage to have sex most days and we have a 16, 14 and 10 year old.

It's not earth shattering, gymnastic, porn sex but 20-30 mins that scratches the itch and makes us feel close to each other.

However every couple and every relationship and every lifestyle is different. If you are happy with once a week then it really doesn't matter how much anyone else is doing it.

GladAllOver · 24/02/2022 12:53

go to bed 30 mins earlier?
Yes.

MrsMiddleMother · 24/02/2022 13:06

Honestly we don't wait until we go to bed to have sex. It's not so much a cuddle in bed that leads to sex. Its usually downstairs once the kids are asleep and we're having our time because we find if we wait until we go up, we're too tired and atm it's around 4 times a week but it definitely hasn't always been this much.

Also, it's completely normal to go through phases of less sex. Once a week is still a lot for some, if we're going through a dry spell it's more like once a fortnight if we're lucky then we get on top of life again and find the time and enjoy sex again.

nellytheelephantscircus · 24/02/2022 13:10

We have DC's 12 and 10, both work full time. We have showers and head to bed about 9pm. Door locked, fan on and we manage to have sex most nights.

I think we probably sacrifice TV as we don't get to watch much these days compared to friends who maybe only have sex once a week but spend time separately to their DH watching stuff

RussianSpy101 · 24/02/2022 13:11

We have 3 DC, they’re all in bed for 8pm so DH and I have between 8-10ish when we usually go to bed.

RussianSpy101 · 24/02/2022 13:11

Once a week is mad though. I would hate that 😂

parietal · 24/02/2022 13:13

Saturday am, kids get 2hrs of minecraft. Parents spend a long time 'having a shower'

TwoPenguins · 24/02/2022 13:13

We only have the kids 3 days one week, 4 the next, but also both work very busy shifts. We have a very close relationships and generally have sex daily. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes we shower together, sometimes before bed. When kids are here, we stay downstairs before going up to bed as SDD sleeps in our bedroom.

ChimChimeny · 24/02/2022 13:14

We go to bed at about 8.30pm (or as soon as DD is asleep) usually weekly/fortnightly and Saturday/Sunday because that's as much energy we can muster and we're less busy & therefore tired at weekends Grin

Chely · 24/02/2022 13:22

We have 6 kids, go to bed late and have a teen who won't go to sleep. Often it's go to sleep and if we wake up when the kids are still asleep it's game on! 🤣 I'm sahm, he works away a lot.

JellybabyGina87 · 24/02/2022 13:24

We have four kids and we have sex most nights. If I'm honest I have massive sex drive and I need it a lot. Husband isn't ever too tired for sex but there are times I have been tired. Those nights we either just have a quickie or just don't do it but I will still need to orgasm. I think prioritising sex over tiredness isn't always a bad thing as long as you're not forcing yourself into it.

PinkSyCo · 24/02/2022 13:24

Personally I think morning quickies are underestimated. Wake up 20 minutes early, wham bam thank you mam, Bob’s your uncle Fanny’s your aunt, I cum quickly shame you can’t.

lololololollll · 24/02/2022 13:46

Jesus, once a week is good I reckon. I mean it's pretty easy when they're all asleep, if you can be arsed 😂

LBOCS2 · 24/02/2022 13:50

We're in the once a week club, we just aim to make it a priority at the weekend as we're also exhausted during the week. Sunday morning is mostly the one for us. We leave breakfast out downstairs so we don't need to be disturbed and the DC have unlimited tablet time until we get up so they have a vested interest in not 'waking' us!

Goldfishmountainclimber · 24/02/2022 13:53

Once a week sounds like you are doing well !

Oneborneverydecade · 24/02/2022 13:54

@CornishGem1975

I have teens, primary age and a baby in our house. We don't 'schedule', we do it when we go to bed generally. Probably 2-3 times a week, but we've always done it a lot. (As in pre-baby it was more like 5 times a week).

It's completely normal though to struggle to find both time and motivation, some people don't manage once a month!

We have a teen, primary age and toddler. The toddler wakes before us and the teen goes to sleep after us. I don't feel comfortable knowing he may hear us at bedtime. We occasionally manage it when all 3 are at school, I'm off and DH is wfh. In theory once a week but doesn't work out like that
ECN73 · 24/02/2022 13:55

I think the quantity isn’t as important as the quality and also similar desires. Hubby and I are generally always up for it but are too tired or dealing with kids etc. if we manage twice a week we consider it a triumph lol

Now we both work at home and youngest starts school in September so we have the house to ourselves all day, woo hoo!

ViceLikeBlip · 24/02/2022 13:58

My favourite is to go to sleep super early, and then wake up for middle-of-the-night sex.