To ask how couples with kids schedule in the time for sex?

[BookAnAppointment]

Me and DH are in late 30s. Sex has taken a dive over the last few years due to a combination of factors and I wanted to ask how other couples manage to have the time to relax, enjoy each others company, and have sex more than once a week (if we're lucky!) if:

You both work full time (he has quite a manual job and I work NHS shifts) and are exhausted when you get home every night and just want to have a shower and go to bed ready to do it all again the next day (ad finitum).

If you don't have any family that supports at all, ever.

If you have a pre teen child or children that are at home most of the time. For context our DD is 12 and suffering from an eating disorder. Things have been incredibly tough but she is quite withdrawn because of this and mainly seeks comfort from being at home/around us. We also live in a smallish 3 bed semi with thin walls.

So while we get on fine, we are struggling with a lack of "alone time" and general knackeredness and stress. How does everyone else manage, I cannot imagine I am alone in my circumstances?

Not me feeling judged about sometimes managing once a week...

Yes @Oneborneverydecade working from home helps!

@VapeVamp12

Oh god I feel awful - I thought once a week was quite a lot :-/

We’re 30, no kids, and not worked to exhaustion. And we were having a lot less than once a week until TTC we’re very happy and very in love

Usually just when we go to bed, which is quite late anyway, and I am tired the next day. But I am always tired anyway. I don't really keep track of how often. It happens, which is good!

Dh gets one week day off so while the kids are at school we shag each others brains out. Quite literally sometimes, I often can't think straight after 😂😂😂

We both work full time and have a 4 and1 year old. I dream of once a week. We have had sex exactly once in 2022. I have no idea, but I am too knackered most of the time and DH has a low sex drive.

It is shit.

Door locked, fan on and we manage to have sex most nights. I think we probably sacrifice TV as we don't get to watch much these day

Liking the top tips, but sacrificing TV every night? What do you talk about at work?

@DogsAndGin phew it’s not just us then! I can’t imagine having sex every day, even in my youth! 😅😅 I always wonder how it goes for those having sex every day - is it that your DP makes a move every day? Or is it you pouncing on them? Or a mix? Don’t you get bored? I quite enjoy the build up!

@DontWiltMySpinachPlease

Not me feeling judged about sometimes managing once a week...

Do not feel bad, it's perfectly normal. Doesn't make your relationship any less viable than those at it like rabbits

Work near home so can both meet for 'lunch'. Otherwise it would be less than once a week.

We have a 4 year old and an 8 year old.

Me and DH both shower after we’ve eaten dinner and then we start the children’s bedtime routines.

The eldest is in bed by 8pm and so by 8.30pm me and DH are usually at it.

I would say we do it 3 times a week on average.

@PinkSyCo

Personally I think morning quickies are underestimated. Wake up 20 minutes early, wham bam thank you mam, Bob’s your uncle Fanny’s your aunt, I cum quickly shame you can’t.

Id love to do this as I'm just not in the mood at night, but DC1 wakes at 5.30!

It’s not as simple as saying just do it when they are in bed.

There are children in my house awake every day between 6am when the youngest gets up and roughly 11.30pm when the oldest goes to bed, even then they are often awake for some time to come. I often don’t get to bed until past 1am, last night it was 1.44am. I often work late in the evening and I have classes, events and friends to see that takes me out in the evening a further 3-4 days a week.

I’m considering putting a lock on our bedroom door but even that is difficult as the teens will notice it and know why. We don’t have a TV in the bedroom so can’t use that to cover up noise….it’s tricky.

I have chatted to friends about this and we all consider once a week normal, except one couple where he is self employed and loaded & doesn't work long hours and she is a SAHM. Even they only manage 2-3 times per week

I have classes, events and friends to see that takes me out in the evening a further 3-4 days a week.

Tbf tho right there you are choosing to prioritise those things

Once a week? You're doing OK!

piesnotguys

Why not put a radio or something in your room?

And is it really an issue if your kids know you have sex? I knew when my parents had sex, just because of the construction of the house. It hasn't scared me at all.

@PiesNotGuys

If you have a child old enough to be awake at 11.30pm, just go ahead- obviously keep the noise down but it won't harm them if they did realise what you were doing, anyway what are they doing - if gaming buy them a headset!

Evenings with the teenagers are usually cooking, eating, some chores, one is an avid reader so always hanging out with a book, one goes climbing two nights a week and so comes in at 9.45 ish and then has a homework mountain, and we have TV programmes we all watch together.

They cannot hang out upstairs in the evenings as they make too much noise.

I’m sure I could tell them we were going upstairs to have sex and buy them some headphones but really not sure how many people would genuinely find that knowing their teens were listening would get them in the mood.

Sometimes we don't manage once a week depending what's going on. When I was a kid I used to often hear my mum noisily shagging whichever boyfriend she had at the time, I even sadly witnessed it a few times, as a consequence I am super worried about my DD hearing us as I can remember how it made me feel 🤮

I'm liking the idea of waking up a bit earlier. DH doesn't complain but I know he has a slightly higher sex drive than me, I think my hormonal contraception has killed my drive dead a bit! I'd rather set myself alight than do it when I'm really tired, maybe we should get in the habit of waking earlier. I want to do it more, it's finding the time! Our bedroom is right next to DDs and she is at the age where she doesn't go to sleep as early and she hears everything, was much easier when she was small!!

Quietly in a morning. After 11pm ish upstairs if we are both awake. Downstairs from 10.30pm ish. Have a teen and pre teen. Bought the teen ear plugs when she complained I had woken her up once!

Good question! When our son was a baby and would have regular naps we would have much more spontaneous and longer sex. We have sex now most days or every other day but it's definitely reduced in quality! It means going to bed a little earlier and having scheduled sex which to be honest is it a bit boring as I'm usually so tired by the end of the day!
I suppose if you can have regular date nights (if you can get a babysitter, we can't) that may help. Otherwise heading to bed a bit earlier to allow for time together.

I think you’re doing very well. We love each other very much but just can’t be arsed with sex. We prob do it once every couple of months and we’re ok with that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ We have two teens and a 5 year old for context and both work 40hrs + a week.

We usually go to the spare room in the basement once our 8yo is settled in bed.
I’ve always gone to bed earlier than DH.
Talking to a friend about sex when our DC are teenagers though she concluded there’s no harm in their knowing so long as they don’t hear anything.

We normally manage 1-2 in the week and then a few times over the weekend. Sometimes in the day in the week if DH is working local and pop home whilst the children are at school.