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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being friends with your line manager.. Is it possible?

44 replies

Passporttu · 23/02/2022 20:37

Nc for this.
In a situation and not sure how to handle it. My line manager and I have always got on in work, we have kids similar age and we are also of a similar age.
The only way I can describe this is I feel she has imposed a friendship on me by being slightly over bearing and treating me like I'm a project for her. I'm a single, full time working parent who hasn't had an easy time but I take huge pride in my job and work and I'm often told I'm the best in our team..
My line manager messages me most evenings, I'm not sure whether it's because she actually genuinely wants to talk to me or whether she thinks I'm lonely and thinks I need company. She sends me essays of long and mindless messages and I'm often not in the mood to WhatsApp in the evenings after a very long day of work.
Now the situation is she's made a few decisions at work that has caused ruccus in the team and she's also tried to effectively force me to stay in my job by guilt tripping me despite me saying I'm not happy.
She's also still messaging me in the evenings. I now feel a bit suffocated by it and want to take a step back from the friendship in a way that isn't hurtful to her as her heart is in the right place, she's just bit overbearing.
I'm having a one to one with her and wonder what I should say as I don't want to make her feel bad but I feel like this friendship has been imposed on me when all I want is just to be left alone in the evenings!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2022 20:40

She’s behaving very unprofessionally

I don’t think you can be friends with a manager

Sparklesocks · 23/02/2022 20:43

This happened to me. I had a manager who wanted to be mates and messaged me innocuous shit every evening. I just stopped replying and when she asked if I was ok as I didn’t reply anymore, I told her that I didn’t like to think about work stuff during my evenings and seeing her name flash up on my phone did that. My work and home boundaries were important, so I wouldn’t reply after a certain time unless it was a work emergency. Maybe you need to say something directly alone those lines rather than stop responding. And don’t let her bully you into staying in the job if you don’t wish to.

GinUnicorn · 23/02/2022 20:43

I think you can be friends with a line manager but I don’t think you can be friend with this one. It sounds awful. Can you try and set some boundaries up? Perhaps start saying you have recurring plans in the evenings. Stop replying to out of hours messages? Good luck

Original poster

Passporttu · 23/02/2022 20:47

I basically just want to reiterate to her that not lonely in the evenings, I love my own company and I don't like to sit on my phone whatsapping with colleagues during my evenings which is my precious me time. I feel awful to say this but I don't want to be friends, I feel like it's just been imposed on me. I just don't want to upset her as she is a nice person generally, I just don't think she realises how she's behaving.

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 23/02/2022 20:52

It’s not awful to not want to be mates with your line manager. The bottom line is there will always be a weird dynamic which is different than being friends with ordinary colleagues as one of you has power/authority over the other, and while it works for some others will be uncomfortable with that.

You don’t have to make it personal but just express that you like your time out of work to yourself and so like to switch off from work and colleagues. If she gets offended or upset then that’s her issue to work through, not yours, as you haven’t said anything personal or offensive. Good line managers will respect their direct reports’ boundaries and recognise the power dynamic is different. It’s a reflection on her rather than you if she takes it personally.

But you never know, maybe she’d be horrified to realise she’d made you uncomfortable and would happily back off.

PurBal · 23/02/2022 20:55

I am friends with my now former line manager. She moved on but we still see each other. But the boundaries of work/leisure were fairly clear. If you don’t want to be friends outside of work then you don’t need to.

HelloDulling · 23/02/2022 20:57

One of my best friends was my manager when I was in my 20s. I’m much older now, and am very good friend with one of my team. But, in both cases we like each other, and enjoy our time spent together. That is not the case with you and your manager!

Auntieobem · 23/02/2022 20:59

I was good friends with one of my line managers, our wee team got on well, socialised outside work etc, but we're always professional in work. So it is possible.

33goingon64 · 23/02/2022 20:59

Yes of course you can be friends with a line manager. I remain good friends with one of mine and several former colleagues who worked for me. But this person isn't a friend. Friends don't treat you like a project.

SerendipityJane · 23/02/2022 21:07

There's a world of difference between being friendly and being friends.

Onthedowns · 23/02/2022 21:07

Very fine line. My line manager is very friendly with a select few people in the team, specifically buying them only birthday and Christmas presents lots of hugs and kisses all in front of the rest of the team. This has caused huge issues within the team with favouritism which can be evidenced work wise. There are no professional boundaries and it sounds like this is going the same way

Flossieskeeper · 23/02/2022 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 23/02/2022 21:34

Fine line. I thought my line manager was a good friend but in thr end when problems came up with my contract...she was no longer able to be friendly because I complained and then it was incredibly awkward.

If someone is responsible for your pay and conditons they can't be your actual genuine friend. Friendly...not a friend. Be warned !

ABitOfAShitShow · 23/02/2022 21:35

I’m friends with my manager in a casual way. Better friends with my former manager (her best mate) and one of my closest friends used to be my manager elsewhere.

DrManhattan · 23/02/2022 21:38

Not sure about this one. I worked in a team where the manager was best mates with one of the team. I think its really awkward especially around pay rises and stuff. Probably not a good idea.

Metabigot · 23/02/2022 21:40

I'm a line manager and its difficult. One of my direct reports who I get on really well with was moved to a role working for my boss and we became good buddies.
He's now moved back into my team and I want to still be 'buds' but now I'm his manager again I don't know if I should hold back a bit now... awkward.

ButtercupOfFlorin · 23/02/2022 21:42

I think this is a pitfall of being friends with your manager but it’s absolutely on her to dictate that relationship not you!

I’m about to interview for a PA, my first time managing people, I’m an extrovert and I get on with absolutely everybody and I’m REALLY conscious that I’m going to have to make the effort to keep our working relationship professional and not freak her (only women applied) out!

balalake · 23/02/2022 21:44

Even if you were, you should be able to have evenings in peace if that is what you want.

Original poster

Passporttu · 23/02/2022 21:48

I'm happy to be friendly to her but insofar as being friends, without being harsh, I have a very small close knit circle of friends whom I trust implicitly with my life. I don't want to make friends for the sake of making friends. I don't dislike her. But she honestly makes me feel like a project. I've have had to deal with some trauma of late and every catch up she tries to make me talk about it despite me saying I don't want to talk about it. She WhatsApps me long messages of drivel and I just don't even want to reply as its my evening I'm wasting. With the traumatic situation I've dealt with, she's never had to deal with that in the workplace before and I feel she's over compensating by being overly friendly to me. Her husband also is works in the company and its patently obvious she talks to him about what's happened in my life trauma wise as he's so unnecessarily nice to me.
I find it all a bit much.

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 23/02/2022 21:50

I've been friends with people who were my managers, and with people I managed. This one sounds tricky though.

maddy68 · 23/02/2022 21:50

I'm very good friends with my line manager we go away for weekends with our families etc.

I have also been really good frikeda with folk I have line managed too.

ButtercupOfFlorin · 23/02/2022 21:52

This who are good friends with their line manager, do they also manage other people? What happens when you’re not happy about something they’ve done at work?

dworky · 23/02/2022 21:55

I find it hard to believe she's doing this as a misguided favour to you, it's more likely she's doing it for her own reasons - whatever they may be.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 23/02/2022 21:59

There is a boundary between line mangers and their team, that unfortunately she is crossing. I’ve seen this before and it is normally because they have a need to be ‘liked’, but it is a bit unprofessional and does no one any favours.

ButtercupOfFlorin · 23/02/2022 22:08

IME the issue arises if you’re not one of the ‘likes’ ones. I was once part of a team where I was not one of the ‘liked’ friends of the manager, but those who were got to have a term time contract (NHS so extremely rare and only in special circumstances, however this staff member’s circumstances were ‘I want the holidays with my kids’) and another would get a month long sabbatical every year in April to help her DH with lambing season. Whereas the rest of us would fight to have a week off in August.

It all came to a head when a new HOD was brought in above my manager and immediately stopped all the perks the favourites got. Manager and favourites went absolutely batshit, manager quit in a huff. And whilst they really shouldn’t have got the perks, the favourites were left massively up shit creek having to work all year round and sort staff, childcare etc.

As much as I don’t want to sound smug, putting up with that crap for years and having it all come to some karmic retribution made me realise some things are just a lesson learned!

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