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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being friends with your line manager.. Is it possible?

44 replies

Passporttu · 23/02/2022 20:37

Nc for this.
In a situation and not sure how to handle it. My line manager and I have always got on in work, we have kids similar age and we are also of a similar age.
The only way I can describe this is I feel she has imposed a friendship on me by being slightly over bearing and treating me like I'm a project for her. I'm a single, full time working parent who hasn't had an easy time but I take huge pride in my job and work and I'm often told I'm the best in our team..
My line manager messages me most evenings, I'm not sure whether it's because she actually genuinely wants to talk to me or whether she thinks I'm lonely and thinks I need company. She sends me essays of long and mindless messages and I'm often not in the mood to WhatsApp in the evenings after a very long day of work.
Now the situation is she's made a few decisions at work that has caused ruccus in the team and she's also tried to effectively force me to stay in my job by guilt tripping me despite me saying I'm not happy.
She's also still messaging me in the evenings. I now feel a bit suffocated by it and want to take a step back from the friendship in a way that isn't hurtful to her as her heart is in the right place, she's just bit overbearing.
I'm having a one to one with her and wonder what I should say as I don't want to make her feel bad but I feel like this friendship has been imposed on me when all I want is just to be left alone in the evenings!

OP posts:

Pumpfive · 23/02/2022 22:10

Obviously this situation is different as you don't want to be friends, which is fine. But in general I think its fine to be friends with managers, bosses etc... the way I see it, we don't live to work but work to live and pay the bills. Just because someone is my boss or pays my wage is simply just that. And life is too short to not be friends with people that we clearly get along with just because of their position!

christinarossetti19 · 23/02/2022 22:17

I would be quite breezily up front about the messaging in the evenings - 'just to let you know that I'm having a bit of a digital detox so won't be Whatapping in the evenings for a while, just so you know why I'm not replying to you' type thing.

Then ignore any future messages.

christinarossetti19 · 23/02/2022 22:18

To answer your question, yes it is possible to be friends with your line manager, but both parties need to want the same type of friendship and respect each others boundaries.

Cherryblossoms85 · 23/02/2022 22:19

What an awful Situation. I have no idea what I'd do!! Are you friendly with anyone in HR who can tactfully and informally help you?

Original poster

Passporttu · 23/02/2022 22:22

As much as I deplore this phrase I think I need to put on my big girl pants and tell her directly. I think it's the only way she'll understand. It's just being tactful and diplomatic as I don't want to hurt her feelings.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/02/2022 22:29

I would just send one line messages in return, just one per night, saying sorry, no time to reply as I'm out with my friends, in the bath, going to the gym or whatever you feel like saying. So I would acknowledge the message but I wouldn't actually reply to it.

whatisforteamum · 23/02/2022 22:39

I agree with feckthemagicdragon it rarely works out.
Either the friends get away with stuff or there are zero boundaries in the industry I work in that is 12 hr days.
I muted the group chat as I didn't was 24,7 contact with my coĺleagues and zero family time.
I would reply less and less to your manager.

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 22:46

This is unacceptable. I find being friends with your line manager is a bit of a weird dynamic personally, and would prefer to keep it professional (but still friendly of course!) I think it depends on the nature of your work too.

She needs careful phasing out imo. Just dont reply much to messages to your personal phone, and if you really feel you have to, only reply in office hours? Slightly different but my current line manager started sending me and my teammate photos of their puppy, house renovations, baby scans, new car, etc constantly on Whatsapp, completely unasked for when they took over as our manager. I just ended up putting them on mute so I didn't even see the messages to get stressed about replying, and it eventually stopped. I don't think there's any bad feeling.

bruce43mydog · 23/02/2022 22:49

She might not have the emotional intelligence. Depending on if its someone in there 20s or 3os

If she's in her 20s she might be lonley and nieve and just want some attention.

If its a person in there 30s they should be able to know about boundaries.

Tell her the truth even if it hurts her feelings. She might end up making a fool of herself. Unintentionally.

MegBusset · 23/02/2022 22:55

There are one or two line managers that I've become friends with over the years - and the same for people I've managed - but only after leaving the role has it evolved into real friendship, once you're on equal terms and can moan with impunity about annoying colleagues

Tbh these days I'm much like you, OP - I have my friends and I'm not worried about making new ones, unless it happens naturally. I am friendly with my current manager but have no reason to be in contact with her outside work hours. I think you just need to mute her, you are under no obligation to reply outside work hours!

bruce43mydog · 23/02/2022 23:04

You can't go against your own boundaries stay within the lines. You don't want to encourage unwanted behaviour. Always be truthful to yourself.

JuliusSneezer · 24/02/2022 05:38

My line manager is very friendly with one of the people she manages (not me) and it’s very unprofessional because they get obvious priority over resourcing. Their meetings are always over lunch with copious amounts of alcohol lasting all afternoon while I can barely get a 10 minute slot scheduled in her diary for critical things!

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 06:02

I am best friends with someone I used to line manage. We became very xlose towards the end of us working together. But it took a few years and you have be really aware of boundaries.

Both of us of were very open with eachother. And both of use were hyper aware of professional boundaries.

In this situation though, you don't want to be friends. So the answer to your title is imo, yes you can.

In answer to your actual op, you need to reassert your boundaries and its really OK to not be friends with her.

Onthedowns · 25/02/2022 06:22

@ButtercupOfFlorin

This who are good friends with their line manager, do they also manage other people? What happens when you’re not happy about something they’ve done at work?

Exactly this it's really unprofessional

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/02/2022 07:12

You can be friends with your manager but the point is, you aren’t!

I suspect it’s her that’s lonely. I would just drop into conversation that you are very busy in the evenings with X, and in the meantime just ignore her messages / mute.

Move teams ASAP, speak to your senior manager to get that shifting.

Imonlyhereforthehandwringing · 25/02/2022 07:19

If you want to be diplomatic, you can say that you're not using your phone in the evenings anymore. Mute her WhatsApp and change your settings so she can't see you're online.

That way you're not making it directly about her. But you're also not being totally dishonest.

I'd move elsewhere. This does smack of her wanting to put on her CV about how she was so supportive of an employee in a crisis.

Enko · 25/02/2022 07:20

I think you can be friends with a manager but it requires you both to be disciplined. No work talk out of hours.

One of my dear friends was my manager when we first met..

Off to ping her for coffee

Nidan2Sandan · 25/02/2022 07:25

I'm friends with my line manager, but she is a nice person. It can be a bit weird when she has to do her "manager stuff" with me, but although we're friends I wouldnt say we're super close so there is still that definition and separation if that makes sense.

In your case, she sounds overbearing. I think a mention that you like to keep work and home 100% separate is fine and reasonable.

QuirkyTurtle · 25/02/2022 07:47

I'm a manager and I'm good friends with most of my team, to the point where I go out for nights out with them.

That being said, I'd never force my friendship on them. I'm not a big texter so I don't text anyone in the evening. My friend had a manager who would do what yours does, and I found it wildly inappropriate. It sounds less like friendship and more like an attempt to manipulate into compliance.

So yes it's possible but only in certain situations.

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