To ask would you be happy in a relationship only ever having sex whilst actively TTC?

[FrustratedTeddyLamp]

Im just interested in seeing the answers due to another thread where there are lots of posters saying if men don't want children they shouldn't have sex. I don't really want to get into that on this thread I'm just trying to be completely open about the context of the question.

I'm just interested how many other posters would be happy with this solution? Would you be happy to be in a relationship when you both only have sex when wanting a child? So not just for fun or waiting 8 years after your wedding night if you get married at 22 but don't want kids until your 30s

I agree @HowlongWillThisTakeNow

It would be no kid = no sex = no relationship UNLESS both partners know they don’t want kids ever and have a vasectomy or tube tied.

It could open a world where women would freeze their eggs at a young age. Men would do the same for their Sperm and they could only conceive through IVF?? But they could safely have sex 😁😁

Double up with the condoms or no penetration. Most women don't get pleasure from penetration anyway.

No but in a relationship you can talk about contraception. I'm sterilised so I don't need to worry about it but if I did fall pregnant I'd know my husband wouldn't leave me. I think the argument was more about men who have casual sex unprotected and then say afterwards they don't want a baby.

It's tricky isn't it, because I read this and thought - well, that's effectively a conversation DH and I had early on.

I don't want kids, nor does he. We're both settled on that and in agreement that we'd terminate any accidental pregnancy (we use contraception, of course, and DH will be looking at a vasectomy after this IUD of mine runs out - we agreed 10 years of reversible methods in case one of us changed our mind and then we'd look at one or both of us making more permanent choices when we were old enough for the doctor to be more likely to take our decisions seriously).

We have sex with both of us under the assumption the other person would agree with the choice to terminate should I get pregnant. But the risk for me (in terms of having/not having a baby) is much lower - were I to get pregnant and change my mind, I have the control and he has none. Were I to get pregnant and HE changed his mind and wanted us to keep the baby, he still has no control and I still have it all.

He has to take it far more on trust than me when we have sex with fallible (if very safe) contraceptives.

If he was unhappy with that minimal but still not zero level of risk and decided for us not to have sex again, I wouldn't be happy, it's not what I signed up for.

(Obviously in the real world he can ask ask a vasectomy and that'd be that issue solved but as a thought experiment... interesting)

In answer to the OP, not particularly but this is the situation I find myself in. It doesn't bother me enough to leave him though. He's a good man & a good father to our DC.

Great thread!
If a man doesnt want children but wants sex, what options does he have?
Condoms, which arent 100% reliable, and then he must take responsibility for a child he doesnt want.
No PIV at all was suggested, which by this thread isnt a very popular option and women suggesting this didnt mean it literally
He could have a vasectomy, which I'm not sure would be easy unless he went private, as most doctors dont want to perform sterilisation for someone who doesnt see it as a permanent option. A man who has not had children would find it tough to get a dr to agree to perform a vasectomy.

If my DH had a vasectomy before he met me, and said it was because he didnt want to risk a pregnancy, and we had to go through the whole reversal procedure, potentially never having children, that would be awful.

Would I only ever have sex whilst TTC?
If the man was worried enough about pregnancy and didnt want to risk a contraceptive failure with condoms, then yes.
However, this wouldnt just affect us before we had children, but also when we had completed our family.
We would be in a sexless marriage once we had finished our family of neither of us wanted any more children, or to be sterilised.

Interesting thread OP, and the other one.

I do see where you're coming from. It's all very well to talk about contraception but when it comes down to it if a Woman's contraception fails during sex for pleasure and she doesn't want children she still has a choice (and rightly so).

If a Man is perfectly sensible with contraception and has sex for pleasure but it fails, his future then depends entirely on the Woman's decision.

Likewise I'm sure there have been Men who've been desperate to keep a surprise baby, but whose partner has chosen to abort. I appreciate that is whole different kettle of fish and that no Woman could ever be expected to follow through with a pregnancy she didn't want, but it doesn't make it any easier on the Man and there's often a stark lack of sympathy around that kind of scenario, especially on MN.

We pretty much have this relationship. We have lots of foreplay and always orgasm but no penetration as I find it painful as he is pretty big and he doesn’t want any more kids. He is happy with BJ’s and HJ’s.

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

But would you be happy if your partner said he wasn't happy to accept any risk at all that your contraception (and condoms) could fail, and therefore would only have sex when you were TTC?

I assume that's what OP means, as an abstract idea...q

^ was more of a point not in a quote as I know some don't read replies that seem longer

Exactly this. If a partner said this to me then he wouldn't be my partner and I wouldn't have sex with him.

The burden on women is horrific. A little more honesty and ownership from men would be refreshing.