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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU thinking DD's therapy is a waste of time?

40 replies

pandabear12 · 23/02/2022 11:27

My DD is 15 and struggling with anxiety just now. She became really unwell with OCD and anxiety when she was 7 and a sickness bug shut down her school. She has emetophobia (fear of being sick) and completely stopped eating incase something made her ill. We paid for private therapy and it worked wonders and she developed coping mechanisms.

Her father and I split a couple of years later and her and DS spent 5 days a week with me and 2 with XH. He remarried in 2020 and the DC do not like his wife and every week was a battle to get them to go to their father's. When they got married DC refused to attend (it was a small wedding due to the pandemic so it didn't look too odd) but his wife announced her pregnancy shortly after the wedding and both DC have refused to stay with him since and refused to acknowledge their half sibling. DD still sees her father regularly but will not go anywhere his wife and child might be.

DD really struggled with the pandemic and her anxiety has been horrendous. She's up all night crying and then starts to panic that she's going to be sick from the lack of sleep/constant sobbing. She's been unable to function at school and after a meeting with her guidance teacher XH and I agreed she needs to see the therapist again.

It's £90 for an hour long session and she goes fortnightly on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays. I take her after school on Thursdays and her father takes her on a Tuesday when I'm working and we each pay for the session we take her to.

XH took her to the first session and he went into the room with her for the whole session and she was too embarrassed to ask him to leave. The therapist asked how she felt about XH remarrying and her half sibling and she said 'fine' because she couldn't be honest infront of her dad.

When she told me he went in with her, she admitted to me that the baby is what 'broke' her and she can't talk about it with this therapist. I told her father she doesn't want him to stay for the session and he was utterly oblivious to this and said she was fine with it. He's stopped going in with her but she's never admitted to the man that she lied about how she feels about his wife and child.

AIBU thinking we need to scrap this and start again with a new therapist if she can't be honest? I suggested this to her and she got upset saying that her dad will want to know why she wants to change therapists. I've suggested we ask for a female one and claim she's uncomfortable talking to a man but she's embarrassed by that idea.

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/02/2022 11:33

I'd go with the switching to a female therapist. That makes the most sense, he probably won't even question it. When you're feeling that vulnerable, you prefer talking to the same sex usually.

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/02/2022 11:34

Or let the current therapist know that she may have more to say now about the wide and baby than she previously let on? He can then probably get her to talk about it again.

sarahc336 · 23/02/2022 11:35

As a therapist this male therapist won't be at all bothered that she initially lied, that's very common in treatment so please don't worry about that. He probably knows she isn't fine with it all anyway. Maybe you go in with her for her next session and just have a review session and get all the info out in the open? Or if it's more that she doesn't like this therapist there's no point continuing, best to find someone she gels with more in my opinion. Good luck with it xx

Original poster

pandabear12 · 23/02/2022 11:42

@AllOfUsAreDead

Or let the current therapist know that she may have more to say now about the wide and baby than she previously let on? He can then probably get her to talk about it again.

He has pressed her further on it and she's insisted that she's fine so she is worried about him knowing she 'lied'. She was worried that he'd tell her dad even though she knows its all confidential.

OP posts:

ThisisMax · 23/02/2022 11:43

Im sorry this is so difficult.
First up your therapist does not sound that great.
The overarching piece is anxiety management and this should be primary. if she can learn to address her anxiety this will give her base coping skills for the next steps and so on.
I would be asking her therapist (counsellor or therapist?) for a gameplan as open ended therapy is useless. If its CBT or DBT it should be all about goal setting using coping strategies for getting there whilst acknowledging the dips in the road from time to time. Focus should be on resilience and coping. I would be asking for a timeline or game plan with objectives in steps.
Change to a better therapist if they can't do that.
It sounds like she really is scarred by the relationship break up and new relationship - I would gently park this as anxiety is more important to manage. A poor therapist will re-traumatise.
Have you thought about medication or discussed this? EMDR might be an option.
You will need to explain to your husband that right now your daughter cannot engage with him as it is too difficult - so no familiy events with him or his new partner, no stay overs - just avoiding triggers really.
The phobia around being sick is managable with therapy. Its just all very confused as you have multiple things going on but for a successful outcome you have to be focussed on outcomes as opposed to managing. Good Luck - you siiund great BTW - she is lucky to have you as an advocate. Always be prepared to chop and change to find the right solution.

Ormally · 23/02/2022 11:48

What are her thoughts and preferences? I am surprised that at 15 she was accompanied and that wasn't questioned. Would she be amenable to sending a confidential email to express that she felt unable to be open with someone else present, if bringing it up is upsetting or she just cannot imagine deeper discussion about the baby?

It sounds as if there has been some trust built up with this therapist, which is a good thing, as the history is there, but sometimes a new approach can be liberating, and can work on the blind spots that will be baked in a bit alongside that history. Her dad should be able to accept her steer on this (stay or try a different person), surely? Is there a danger that he would disapprove?

optionsgalore · 23/02/2022 11:50

From my own experience, I know I haven't always been honest in counselling (when it was easier to say 'yeah it's fine' rather than properly get into something) and then have 'admitted it' in a later session. My counsellor wasn't phased at all. But I understand that for a teenager it might be trickier to ever come back to it.

I wonder if coming up with some logistics type reason to change therapist could be an option? Eg this therapist is in a handier location, or this is someone who specialises more in the issues she needs support with? Something that your DD would feel ok with telling her dad so she's comfortable to swap if she doesn't feel she can really be open with her current therapist.

Notanotherwindow · 23/02/2022 11:53

I'd start again with another therapist. This one doesn't seem very professional. He should have told her father to leave. Parents aren't supposed to be in the room or what's the point?

I'd ring up and cancel and tell him why. He was supposed to make a safe space for her to talk and he allowed her father to invade it.

Tell her dad to fuck off, he has no right to ask anything about her therapy.

Ormally · 23/02/2022 12:03

"He was supposed to make a safe space for her to talk and he allowed her father to invade it."

Yes, I've been increasingly thinking this too. In the end, the aim should be for her to feel better for herself, with a confidence in whatever it is that will get her to take the next steps, and this is not usually quick or simple. In this case, she lied because her father was there and she would have been scared for herself, to have put the truth out in the room. Ugh.

cheeseismydownfall · 23/02/2022 12:06

My DD(11) has emetophobia and so I understand how crippling it can be.

If you haven't read it already, can I recommend www.amazon.co.uk/Emetophobia-Manual-Yourself-Vomit-Reclaim/dp/1735889113?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It has been life changing for my DD.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 23/02/2022 12:08

Think your name changed failed OP 🙂

Blurp · 23/02/2022 12:15

Could you say that you're changing therapists because someone you work with has recommended a different one and when you looked into it DD wanted to try them? And privately tell XH that you think DD isn't fully comfortable with the current one but she doesn't want to say?

incognitoforthisone · 23/02/2022 12:20

It sounds like it's not so much the therapist that's the issue, but your DD's dad. I can understand that she doesn't want her dad to know that she was hurt by his remarriage and new baby - that's totally understandable, I think most teenagers wouldn't want to talk about that in front of the parent in question - but it's a worry that she was too embarrassed to ask him to leave the therapy session and is now worried he'll question her if she wants to change therapists. Is she generally worried and anxious about upsetting anyone at all, or is it particularly her dad that she's nervous of offending?

If she doesn't want to look like liar in front of the therapist (who will, of course, not mind in the slightest anyway that she didn't feel she could tell the truth and will probably be expecting it anyway) is there any way could speak to the therapist and just relay what your daughter's told you? He wouldn't have to share anything DD had said to him, or tell her that you told him, but it might at least give him an inkling of the direction he needs to steer in for future sessions.

Stressedout1009 · 23/02/2022 12:21

I don't understand how she refuses to go to her dad's with the wife and baby there, or even acknowledge the baby yet saying she's fine with them? Surely that's a very obvious contradiction?

FrownedUpon · 23/02/2022 12:23

Sounds like family therapy might be a better idea. Your poor daughter.

Mouldyfeet · 23/02/2022 12:27

Change therapists and try EMDR. I

Dontbeme · 23/02/2022 12:30

@Stressedout1009

I don't understand how she refuses to go to her dad's with the wife and baby there, or even acknowledge the baby yet saying she's fine with them? Surely that's a very obvious contradiction?

Well yeah but at 15 would any of us be brave enough to sit there and say to a therapist (a high stress situation) that we were not happy with our dad's new wife and child when Dad is sitting in the room.

Why didn't the therapist ask her dad to leave, surely he thought it odd but never questioned it, never confirmed that it was joint counselling. He sounds a bit crap to be honest.

MummyBobbles · 23/02/2022 12:38

The therapist sound awful IMO. No way should the parent be in the room with the child. Completely defeats the point of therapy for gods sake! Change the therapist. My daughter has GAD and has had therapy since she was 10 and never have I been in the room, always in the waiting room.

Stressedout1009 · 23/02/2022 12:40

I'm saying that it is a fact whether dd isn't saying it. she doesn't go to her dad's or see the baby, so what is the father making of that? Surely he must have asked the question or both the op and df given the therapist some background?

HollowTalk · 23/02/2022 12:44

I would sack the therapist for allowing her father to stay in the room during therapy - how on earth is that appropriate, unless a client specifically asked if a parent could be there.

Wondergirl100 · 23/02/2022 12:45

Firstly I think you need to complain to and about the therapist. I've never heard anything so ridiculous as a father going into his 15 year olds therapy - and the therapist not ensuring she felt safe

The whole point of therapy is it has to be a completely safe space - your daughter no longer feels safe in the room with the therapist because the trust was broken in the first session

AS someone else said - the fact she wasn't totally honest is neither here nor there, therapists deal day in day out with people who take months to come to the 'truth' of their own feelings

the relationship has to be safe and good for your child that is what matters - begin again and I think most women would want a female therapist particularly at a vulnerable age like that.

I'm sorry she is so anxious - I do wonder your role in her not seeing her new half sibling?

formalineadeline · 23/02/2022 12:53

@HollowTalk

I would sack the therapist for allowing her father to stay in the room during therapy - how on earth is that appropriate, unless a client specifically asked if a parent could be there.

Agree. Never should've happened and it has destroyed any possibility of an effective therapeutic relationship because she doesn't trust him:

She was worried that he'd tell her dad even though she knows its all confidential.

Therapy can't work if the therapeutic relationship is toxic or absent.

I also agree that her father's domineering and disrespectful behaviour ia clearly a major part of the problem.

Make the change and reassure her you will be the one to take any flak from her dad for it.

Original poster

pandabear12 · 23/02/2022 12:55

@Wondergirl100

Firstly I think you need to complain to and about the therapist. I've never heard anything so ridiculous as a father going into his 15 year olds therapy - and the therapist not ensuring she felt safe

The whole point of therapy is it has to be a completely safe space - your daughter no longer feels safe in the room with the therapist because the trust was broken in the first session

AS someone else said - the fact she wasn't totally honest is neither here nor there, therapists deal day in day out with people who take months to come to the 'truth' of their own feelings

the relationship has to be safe and good for your child that is what matters - begin again and I think most women would want a female therapist particularly at a vulnerable age like that.

I'm sorry she is so anxious - I do wonder your role in her not seeing her new half sibling?

I've always encouraged her to accept her stepmother. DD is very close to her stepdad (my partner) so she's not closed off to new adults in her life but she has never gotten along with her. I tried to build up some excitement for the new arrival but both DD and DS refuse to engage.

It's difficult for me as I work away some of the time and I have to arrange DC to stay with my parents on nights they would normally be with their father. So I have tried to encourage them to stay with him but they won't go.

OP posts:

Original poster

pandabear12 · 23/02/2022 12:57

@Stressedout1009

I don't understand how she refuses to go to her dad's with the wife and baby there, or even acknowledge the baby yet saying she's fine with them? Surely that's a very obvious contradiction?

XH chooses to remain oblivious. His DC didn't see him at all for a period of months so I think he's on eggshells trying to pretend everything is ok to avoid some kind of fallout that results in them refusing to see him again.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 23/02/2022 13:00

Agree with changing to a woman therapist and emdr for trauma.

Her df needs to butt out of her therapy. It's none of his business and his actions appear controlling.

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