AIBU thinking DD's therapy is a waste of time?

[pandabear12]

My DD is 15 and struggling with anxiety just now. She became really unwell with OCD and anxiety when she was 7 and a sickness bug shut down her school. She has emetophobia (fear of being sick) and completely stopped eating incase something made her ill. We paid for private therapy and it worked wonders and she developed coping mechanisms.

Her father and I split a couple of years later and her and DS spent 5 days a week with me and 2 with XH. He remarried in 2020 and the DC do not like his wife and every week was a battle to get them to go to their father's. When they got married DC refused to attend (it was a small wedding due to the pandemic so it didn't look too odd) but his wife announced her pregnancy shortly after the wedding and both DC have refused to stay with him since and refused to acknowledge their half sibling. DD still sees her father regularly but will not go anywhere his wife and child might be.

DD really struggled with the pandemic and her anxiety has been horrendous. She's up all night crying and then starts to panic that she's going to be sick from the lack of sleep/constant sobbing. She's been unable to function at school and after a meeting with her guidance teacher XH and I agreed she needs to see the therapist again.

It's £90 for an hour long session and she goes fortnightly on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays. I take her after school on Thursdays and her father takes her on a Tuesday when I'm working and we each pay for the session we take her to.

XH took her to the first session and he went into the room with her for the whole session and she was too embarrassed to ask him to leave. The therapist asked how she felt about XH remarrying and her half sibling and she said 'fine' because she couldn't be honest infront of her dad.

When she told me he went in with her, she admitted to me that the baby is what 'broke' her and she can't talk about it with this therapist. I told her father she doesn't want him to stay for the session and he was utterly oblivious to this and said she was fine with it. He's stopped going in with her but she's never admitted to the man that she lied about how she feels about his wife and child.

AIBU thinking we need to scrap this and start again with a new therapist if she can't be honest? I suggested this to her and she got upset saying that her dad will want to know why she wants to change therapists. I've suggested we ask for a female one and claim she's uncomfortable talking to a man but she's embarrassed by that idea.

XH chooses to remain oblivious. His DC didn't see him at all for a period of months so I think he's on eggshells trying to pretend everything is ok to avoid some kind of fallout that results in them refusing to see him again

This is a key part of the issue. Its clear your child is very conflicted and hurt regarding XH. Maintaining this is not good though - its a bit of a facade and turns into an 'unwritten family secret'. Both you and your husband need to engage on this and work through this in family therapy where your child can be heard and express what they really think and your husband needs to own this as he caused damage by moving on, he is perfectly entitled to move on but it should have been done in a way that lessened the risk & hurt. You may also have to own some of this too I'm afraid - I dont mean that in a blaming way but when relationships explode everyone gets hit by shrapnel. I think if you did family therapy first that the anxiety might lessen once she has been heard. Then you can focus on fixing it? Maybe ask a Family Therapist for advice?

the therapist is shit, no professional would ever conduct therapy or counciling with a parent (or child) in the room, its a utter waste of time and money.

and futhermore I am surprised he was allowed in, they normally are not allowed in, its unethical.

she needs to get a backbone tho and tell her father what she really thinks and feels he is the cause of this and talking to someone else isnt going to help as much as getting it off her chest to the person responsible for the pain.

Her df needs to butt out of her therapy. It's none of his business and his actions appear controlling.

I would think more oblivious than controlling based on:

XH chooses to remain oblivious. His DC didn't see him at all for a period of months so I think he's on eggshells trying to pretend everything is ok to avoid some kind of fallout that results in them refusing to see him again.

But regardless of his motivations, his actions have then same consequences.

I think the trust with her therapist is broken because he let her DF stay in the session. How can she be vulnerable in front of the therapist when she can't trust that what she says is confidential (even if it's not rational because he's no longer in the room, feelings aren't always rational). Your ex sounds insensitive at the very least.

Can you not just say to ex-DH that it's not working with the current therapist and you think that she would be better off seeing a woman? She needs you to advocate for her, and for her to feel that someone understands how vulnerable she is feeling at the moment. Also explain to her that you understand how scary it is to have those frightening, overwhelming feelings of anxiety but that you are there to help her manage them and not be afraid of them.

Once a fortnight isn’t really enough when she’s at a crisis point. If you can afford weekly I’d change to that & use that as an excuse for a change of therapist to DC.

Btw £90 per hour is double what I pay but I guess it varies by location.

@Notanotherwindow

I'd start again with another therapist. This one doesn't seem very professional. He should have told her father to leave. Parents aren't supposed to be in the room or what's the point?

I'd ring up and cancel and tell him why. He was supposed to make a safe space for her to talk and he allowed her father to invade it.

Tell her dad to fuck off, he has no right to ask anything about her therapy.

Totally agree with this. The professional should have asked dad to leave.

Hi, sorry not had a chance to read all the posts as on a quick lunch break (great use of my time).

I’m a therapist, I think it’s pretty poor practice to not do an individual assessment with your daughter without her dad there, it’s be different if she was younger. Even in couples/family work where meant to be a joint intervention, I’d still meet with the each member individually to go over things again/check if there was anything they felt they couldn’t say in front of the others.

Is there any chance that he has actually explored it again with her since and they’ve been working on it but she doesn’t want to tell you/her dad? Especially if worried it might cause upset.

If it’s that it hasn’t been broached again then I’d think about changing therapists. Of course could address it with current therapist but I think I’d end up continually questioning his skills.

Oops terrible typing skills there, sorry for the errors.

@Ormally

"He was supposed to make a safe space for her to talk and he allowed her father to invade it."

Yes, I've been increasingly thinking this too. In the end, the aim should be for her to feel better for herself, with a confidence in whatever it is that will get her to take the next steps, and this is not usually quick or simple. In this case, she lied because her father was there and she would have been scared for herself, to have put the truth out in the room. Ugh.

this ^^

Definitely change therapist. Your XH shouldn’t have been allowed in the room, unless it was prearranged and family therapy, and she shouldn’t be seeing a male. She’s a teenage girl that has issues with her Dad. Working with a male therapist will trigger all sorts of unconscious defences.

If possible, try and involve her in the process of choosing the next therapist. Have a look on counselling directory, narrow down a few profiles and let her choose out of them.

As PP have said. £90 is expensive. I would also start weekly with the idea to move to fortnightly once relationship is established. Teenagers tend to not want to work too intensely for too long. But everyone’s different

Sorry, and another thing. I would look for someone who counts themselves as an Integrative therapist. Don’t go purely psychodynamic or CBT

There is no therapeutic relationship with this therapist so definitely find someone new. I always tell my clients they need to feel comfortable with me. If for any reason that’s not the case try other therapists until they do. It could be as simple as I remind them of someone they don’t like. It’s perfectly acceptable to change until you find someone who you click with. So you don’t need a reason to move.

You also need to find the right modality for your daughter rather than what works for other people. The only thing I would suggest is finding someone who specialises in working with children and young people. Those who have the qualifications to back it up, not that they just say they specialise. Anyone can say they do but it’s a very different set of skills working with young people than with adults.

I would question paying £90 an hour. I charge £50. Usually only psychologists charge around the £100 mark. Unless you all agreed to have family therapy there is no reason dad should be in the room.

I hope this is helpful

Does she WANT to see a woman therapist?

Have you considered just making a shortlist of available, accessible and affordable (£90 is very high, most are £50 to £80) therapists, males and females and let her choose?

The fact that she isn't comfortable telling the therapist that she lied, tells me there isn't much of a relationship there. This should be the person she feels the most emotionally safe with.

If her dad wants to know why the change you can state the cost and that she just doesn't feel comfortable talking to her current therapist. If I was feeling really pissed at him I'd come right out and tell him she doesn't feel safe anymore because he let her dad stay in the room and she was too scared to tell her dad to wait outside.

She should have therapy alone, no one should be going in with her, she’s not going to be able to be completely honest if one of her parents is listening to every word.