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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU housekeeping a a full time job!

132 replies

Bibbitybobbityboo86 · 23/02/2022 10:02

I work part time- 3 days a week and every other weekend.

I try to keep my house as tidy and clean as possible. I feel like I’m drowning in it.

My husband doesn’t do a lot - that’s a whole other thread!
My daughter is messy but keep reminding myself that toys and glitter won’t be forever and I’ll miss it once it’s gone.

My mum commented on my dust. She told
Me when she was my age it would have been shameful to have a dusty home and a dirty doorstep 😳- I handed her the duster!

Thinking about my mum who is in her 70s- she didn’t have to work. She got engaged and the next day handed her notice in at the factory she worked at. She was going to married therefore didn’t have to work. She didn’t have kids for another 8 years after being married. She and her friends all kept perfect homes because that’s all they had to do (or certainly in my mums case)

Do woman have it harder now? Most of us have to work part or full time. Keep perfect homes, look somewhat presentable.

Social media has also set unrealistic expectations

How do you stay on top of everything?

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 24/02/2022 07:47

my husband doesn’t do a lot - that’s a whole other thread!

No it’s not. It’s the central point of the thread.

The entire reason why you are overwhelmed at home is because you are basically doing two jobs and he is doing one.

This is the frontline for equality at the moment. Men still aren’t anywhere near pulling their weight on the home front and women are doing everything.

Comparison with your mum who didn’t work ate completely irrelevant.

Question is, what are you going to do. Have you told him how you feel?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/02/2022 08:14

@puffyisgood

SAHM-ing with a baby is harder than a full time job.

SAHM-ing with a toddler is roughly the equivalent of a reasonably demanding part time job.

SAHM-ing with school aged kids is roughly the equivalent of a very light part time job, getting lighter the older the kids get.

It's all relative to the individual. I was a SAHP until DS went to school and I found the baby stage easy, definitely not harder than a full time job. Toddler stage was a million times harder than the baby stage.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/02/2022 08:16

Having school age kids is definitely easier than babies and toddlers though. My 8yo is so undemanding, life is easy now!

Exhausteddog · 24/02/2022 08:20

This is the frontline for equality at the moment Men still aren’t anywhere near pulling their weight on the home front and women are doing everything

Comparison with your mum who didn’t work ate completely irrelevant

Question is, what are you going to do. Have you told him how you feel?

My DH does very little at home. I tell him the load is unbalanced very regularly! He either gets defensive, or spends hours doing some cleaning to prove he does do it....and then that's it for months! He cooks 3 or 4 times a week though.
His own mum didn't work outside the house since having her first child in her early 20s, and her role from then on seemed to be housework and "looking after" people. Even FIL was treated like a small child where she got out his clothes to wear each morning.
The MN solution of "just stop doing everything" doesn't work for me....it just means the stuff doesn't get done at all unless prepared to wait weeks days for it to be noticed. (And chores with a finite time limit - ie buying Christmas presents or submitting forms are too risky to leave)

BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2022 08:21

@puffyisgood

SAHM-ing with a baby is harder than a full time job.

SAHM-ing with a toddler is roughly the equivalent of a reasonably demanding part time job.

SAHM-ing with school aged kids is roughly the equivalent of a very light part time job, getting lighter the older the kids get.

Well that depends on the baby and the job surely?

I have a friend who's recently spent a year on maternity leave from a 'big job' that required long hours, travel, targets, competing demands, unreasonable bosses, deadlines etc etc.

She had a complete ball on maternity leave because she just did what she felt like at her own pace and spent all her time cuddling/playing with her baby, going out for walks, lunch with friends etc etc.

Loopytiles · 24/02/2022 08:24

Yes, but what happens when she goes back to work? It won’t be ‘a ball’ then. Even with a partner doing a fair share.

lololololollll · 24/02/2022 08:24

@SoftPillow

It isn't a full time job.

Our cleaner does 3hrs. Our housekeeper does 12-16hrs including cooking.

So 15-18hrs. We do bits too, probably 5hrs a week total.

When I was a SAHM I'd do chores 9-12 and relax all afternoon, 3 hours was more than enough and included shopping, gardening, cooking.

This is hilarious

BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2022 08:32

@Loopytiles

Yes, but what happens when she goes back to work? It won’t be ‘a ball’ then. Even with a partner doing a fair share.

Maybe so, but it was in response to the comment that SAHM with a baby is harder than working full time.

Sometimes it will be if you have a difficult baby/PND etc and you're comparing it against an easy job, but lots of jobs aren't easy are they?

FiveShelties · 24/02/2022 08:35

@Bibbitybobbityboo86

Love this- I’m definitely going to have a chat with my husband.

It’s tricky as my husband pays the mortgage and bills and I’m very grateful for this, I don’t want to moan too much, he’ll think I’m being disrespectful

I think the disrespect he shows to you is far worse.

We have always shared the income, expenses and cleaning. It is an equal partnership and I would not have it any other way.

LittleBearPad · 24/02/2022 08:58

Bibbitybobbityboo86
Love this- I’m definitely going to have a chat with my husband.

It’s tricky as my husband pays the mortgage and bills and I’m very grateful for this, I don’t want to moan too much, he’ll think I’m being disrespectful

I think the disrespect he shows to you is far worse.

I agree. He has responsibilities to keep the house tidy, he can help to keep it running. Paying the bills doesn’t absolve him from being a decent human being.

LittleBearPad · 24/02/2022 09:00

@Happyhappyday

My house is clean, like regularly get told by other people how tidy it is. DH and I both work full time, have an excellent fortnightly cleaner. Two toddlers in the house full time with nanny. We don’t have a lot of stuff though, I think that makes it easier to keep it looking clean. Also new house and I think older houses not recently done up inherently feel messier because things get banged up/walls marked etc. I spend 10 minutes tidying after DC go to bed, nanny leaves house as she found it, DH spends 20-30 minutes doing the washing up/tidying kitchen every night.

You don’t think nanny leaves house as she found it is fairly key to your tidy house?

WellTidy · 24/02/2022 09:23

It depends on how big your house and household is, how much you outsource, whether you regularly have guests (to eat/stay over etc).

DSGR · 24/02/2022 09:24

My husband pays all the bills and still does 50/50.. and happy to do so. This is not the 1950s.

puffyisgood · 24/02/2022 09:43

@BarbaraofSeville - absolutely, my post above was based on approximate averages [average job, average baby, etc]. of course there are outliers.

SockFluffInTheBath · 24/02/2022 09:48

It’s not a full time job, unless you string it out it doesn’t take 40hrs/wk to keep a house clean. That doesn’t let your bone idle DH off the hook though.

SockFluffInTheBath · 24/02/2022 09:49

You don’t think nanny leaves house as she found it is fairly key to your tidy house?

🤣 🤣 🤣

Livpool · 24/02/2022 11:49

@LowlandLucky

Of course it is harder these days, most women work 2 full times jobs, one outside of the home and one in it. It is ridiculous that women are run ragged trying to do it all.

Completely agree with this!

My DH does his fair share of chores but I definitely have the mental load.

My DM worked part time until I was 11 and she had a washing machine etc. I was born in 1980 so not like the 1950s but most of my friend's' mums when I was growing up were part time or SAHM.

My DM told me once I had dust on the tv - I said she was welcome to clean it, and anything else she had an issue with. She never mentioned it again!

LondonQueen · 24/02/2022 11:51

This is why I had to get a cleaner, even with DH helping out it was too much on top of 2 young DC. Time really is money.

JustFrustrated · 24/02/2022 12:44

No it's not a full time job.
Nor is all this "life admin" people on here bang on about.

I bought my first car in 5 years in December, it took me a morning to sort the finance, the insurances (which was doubly complicated due to an error on the MIB), the break down cover etc and get all the copies to my employers.

So that's one bit of life admin every one goes in about.

I sat down for less than an hour the other night and wrote out 31 meals so meal planning for the weeks coming was done.

Cleaning - maximum 30 minutes a day, including the dishwasher.

I have a DH, 2 Kids, a cat and 2 rabbits. It still doesn't take hours.

If a deep clean is being done, this can take maybe 5 hours? But includes washing doors and skirting.

I reckon if all these people going in about how long it takes had less cups of tea, and "5 minute breathers" it would be considerably less time to get it done.

SockFluffInTheBath · 24/02/2022 12:57

I reckon if all these people going in about how long it takes had less cups of tea, and "5 minute breathers" it would be considerably less time to get it done.

There’s a lot of truth in the saying ‘if you want something to get done ask a busy person to do it’.

WaterBottle123 · 24/02/2022 12:59

3 days a week plus every other weekend is nearly full time.

You have a DH problem if he's leaving it all to you

Briony123 · 24/02/2022 13:05

Her mother is in her 70s, of course she had electrical appliances!
Insisting on a spotless house is very working class mid century. Nowadays most people realise it's unnecessary and the fastest route to boredom/being boring.

user1487194234 · 24/02/2022 18:06

I think housework is one of those things that expands to fill the time you are prepared to give it
I work full time and like going out
Have a cleaner and do the bare minimum out with that
My mum is always going on about my doorstep and skirting boards needing cleaning but seriously life's too short

Cleanbedlinen12 · 26/02/2022 10:23

justfrustrated how do you manage to be so efficient?
Do you have any tips?
I really try, but even without breathers i spend..1 hour cleaning kitchen, 1 hour cooking dinner, 1/2 hour alternating between bathroom/ beds/ hall. Another half hour washing, hanging, folding, putting away. It usually becomes about 3 hours a day, and it still looks a mess.
And it is TOTALLY boring.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 26/02/2022 10:25

And not that doesn’t include shopping, gardening or diy.

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