To be totally frazzled and not know what to do?

[JCWildWest]

Work - I'm running a whole business on my own - it's not my business my boss is just increasingly absent since Covid and there is no one else.

Home - mental load of the house. DH is pretty helpful but needs instructing so no share of the mental load. Has recently just had a medical procedure which means he can't even physically help right now.

My DC - GSCE studies, exam stress, coursework stress, normal teenage angst. I'm trying to juggle being supportive with all of the above

My DSC - DH is a very hands on Dad, 50/50 arrangement. I love them to bits but its another straw for the breaking camels back

I think I'm depressed, I think the passed two years is catching up with me after coping pretty well.

I can't focus, I'm being pulled in all directions and not doing a very good job of any one job. I totally zone out at times, I just cannot bring myself to feel present.

I can't seem to enjoy anything, I've got no motivation to do things that should be enjoyable.

I'm just in a real funk, does anyone have any productive suggestions for how to get back my grip on reality and shake this all off?

You know the saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup'? It is very true and you don't list anything that you do that brings you joy or happiness... just lots of 'doing'

Can you carve some time out for yourself for some investment in something just for you??

Thank you for your response, I know what you mean.

It seems like a bit of a Catch 22 though, if I do get some time to myself, I feel so frazzled I've got no motivation to do anything worthwhile or enjoyable. I just want to lie in a dark room or sleep.

Also as mentioned, I am struggling to find joy in things I would normally, I think that is probably what makes me think I'm depressed.

I have a hobby I go to once a week, but I often feel there's little point in me doing that as I'm always in a mad rush to get there because of everything else. It sometimes feels like another pressure I don't need but at the same time I know its important to maintain these things

I try and take time out to have a bath and relax with a podcast when I can. Which does help but all starts up again the next day.

Just seems so relentless

You may need to give yourself time to lie in a dark room and sleep - exhaustion won’t help your mental health at all.

Also as mentioned, I am struggling to find joy in things I would normally, I think that is probably what makes me think I'm depressed.

That can be a sign of depress but can also be a sign of burn out - if you’re on the run every single day and don’t get rest then even enjoyable things can feel like an extra task to be done, rather than a treat. Is there anywhere you can take a step back (usually work is the obvious one), give yourself time to catch your breath. You’ve a lot on your plate just now and something will have to give somewhere in all that.

What job do you do? Can you do something about that or find a new job? It sounds like you have all the stress of running it without any of the benefits of owning it. Sod that.

The job is the thing that needs to give, but financially we are not in a position for to me give up what is a very secure position in a limited job market in our area. I've been given the flexibility to work from home, I thought that would improve my work/life balance but if anything it makes worse and blurs the lines, as my office has become my home. I don't leave at the door anymore and its become very all consuming. Its the first and last thing I think about each day. I have expressed my difficulties to my boss but it all falls on deaf ears. I would have liked to enjoy HT with my children but I am having to work flat out whilst he is on holiday in France with his children.

I can't see a way out of it, I have looked for other jobs but there is nothing locally

Sounds like you need to speak to your boss that you can no longer cope after 2 years of them being fairly absent.

You really need to speak to your boss. It can't fall on deaf ears. It's unreasonable to expect you to shoulder all this pressure. He must organise some help for you at work. It's outrageous. You have all my sympathy. It happened to me at work, and it only improved when i told them it was unreasonable
Good luck.

How old are you OP? Just wondering if it could be peri-menopause making things worse. Also, do you need to look for a job locally - if you're working from home anyway are there other options you could do remotely for now whilst looking out for something office based longer term?

Thanks all. It's not a niche industry or anything but we are very rural which makes the job market very small. I have tried to let my boss know, we did recruit for support last year but they didn't last long in the position. For the same reasons I am struggling with.

Finances are also an issue, my job pay massively relies on qualifications and reach certain pay brackets. My current employers promised to put me through said qualifications but haven't but have increased my pay as if I was qualified due to the responsibility I shoulder. So to look elsewhere would likely mean a pay cut, which with a self employed and currently immobile DH now is probably not the best time.

I'm early 30s, I doubt you could tell at the moment, I look utterly bedraggled.

I'm calling it covid world funk. So many people are just tired, stressed and worn down.

I think you are right. Covid burn out.

I have spent 2 years soldiering on and taking on more and more. It's been quite gradual rather than sudden.

I'm very much a 'Keep Calm and Carry On', most people IRL would be very surprised I am struggling. Only really DH knows how much I am struggling.

You need to sort out the work situation. It's really not fair to expect you to do all the work. Can you ask to go into the office? I don't know I would want more than a couple of days home.

It's great DH is hands on Dad but while he's unwell maybe they need to stay with Mum a bit more. That's a difficult conversation though I imagine.

I'm worn out from it all and have no energy beyond work & keeping house going & looking after kids day to day. DD has been depressed during lockdown & it's taken it's toll on me. Tho thankfully she is getting better each week.

Can you book some leave? It seems unfair boss is off all week in France while you hold the fort?

@JCWildWest

I think you are right. Covid burn out.

I have spent 2 years soldiering on and taking on more and more. It's been quite gradual rather than sudden.

I'm very much a 'Keep Calm and Carry On', most people IRL would be very surprised I am struggling. Only really DH knows how much I am struggling.

I think this has been so many if us. Just carrying on and not calling people out on crap we would have done pre covid

I’m sorry to hear your DD suffered with depression in lockdown. So did mine and now she is up against studying for exams when they have missed so much. She is so very stressed and I’m trying to support her as best I can but I feel like I’m failing at that too.

With it being just me my boss taking annual leave means I can’t. And then I also avoid taking too much as the work just piles up whilst I’m off. I never have more than a day or two at the time.

I am due to go away this weekend with my DD for a late birthday present. Regardless of issues with leaving DH the prospect of doing anything out of the norm feels a bit daunting. I still need to book activities but I just can’t face it, just feels like more admin.

Worried to leave DH with the DSC too. He’s determined he can manage and get by on take aways and watching films but it’s less than ideal.

The house will be a pig sty when I get back!

DSC mum is not an option, he’d have to be at death’s door for her to contemplate being flexible with arrangements. And even then she’d expect me to it. Another thread altogether

Do you take regular exercise? I find it helps massively with stress

What would stop you from setting up in competition with your boss? It sounds like you're doing all the work anyway.

Your boss is taking advantage. You need to not carry the load when he's not there. You can self certify sick for a week and have a rest. That's what I would do.

I know I think the feeling of being used and taking advantage of doesn’t help mentally. It really wears you down. I’m annoyed that I’m slogging my guts out at the detriment to my mental health and time with my family just to line someone else’s pockets. The lack of respect is upsetting.

I’ve decided I will send him an email at the end of the week and attach an invoice for all my extra hours I work keeping things a float. And outline that it is not sustainable.

I do exercise and appreciate the benefit of it. I walk the dog and take part in a competitive sport once a week, which is my only ‘me’ thing I do. I’d like to do more but don’t have the time.

It takes all my strength not to curl up with a bottle of wine and a bag of Doritos every night but I know it won’t make me feel better so I try to not indulge.

I love my little family so much, I just want to be more present and part of it. I don’t want to look back in a few years time and not know where the time has gone because I had my head in a laptop working to no ends.

Hi OP.

I just wanted to say that I feel exactly the same way as you. Exactly the same. I could have written it. So I’m following with interest.

You’ve made me feel a little less alone tonight if nothing else.

Your boss needs to start listening, or he’s going to lose a very good member of staff. Ask him for a 1-2-1 and tell him you’re not coping. It sends very difficult

@ParalysisByAnalysis hugs

Same to me to know it’s not just me and that there are a lot of stressed frazzled people in the world.

My DH wanted me to get to the doctors and get some antidepressants but I’m reluctant to. I feel that PP is right, I’m burnt out rather than depressed. And even if I am depressed it’s due to my situation and I don’t want to just mask that with antidepressants I’d rather tackle it on a more physical and practical level. But that’s easier said than done

I also feel a little less alone too

My MH was in the gutter pre-Covid (I’d not long had my first Psych appointment) and it’s continued on a downward spiral since, I’m still seeing the Psych and will be for a long time - which is apparently it’s very unusual for NHS to keep a patient for so long.

I’m either studying (STEM student repeating half of my second year due to long Covid), working, or parenting my 3DDs - eldest is choosing GCSEs, middle is having her own MH crisis and I’m fighting against brick walls to get her seen by CAMHS (and not just their shitty one phone call Sharps call) and to get her assessed for ASD/ADHD, youngest is 6 and is still a very high demand child.

Then I got a S21 and I’m no longer holding my shit together.

It’s been fucking relentless for a lot of us the last few years, although not many want to admit it.

I take no joy in anything any more, I barely leave the house because I can’t be arsed on days when I don’t have to, and any time spent “off” is spent staring at the ceiling in bed wondering where the fuck I have gone and if I’m ever going to come back.

Peri menopause OP. All sounds very familiar. How old are you ‽