To be totally frazzled and not know what to do?

[JCWildWest]

Work - I'm running a whole business on my own - it's not my business my boss is just increasingly absent since Covid and there is no one else.

Home - mental load of the house. DH is pretty helpful but needs instructing so no share of the mental load. Has recently just had a medical procedure which means he can't even physically help right now.

My DC - GSCE studies, exam stress, coursework stress, normal teenage angst. I'm trying to juggle being supportive with all of the above

My DSC - DH is a very hands on Dad, 50/50 arrangement. I love them to bits but its another straw for the breaking camels back

I think I'm depressed, I think the passed two years is catching up with me after coping pretty well.

I can't focus, I'm being pulled in all directions and not doing a very good job of any one job. I totally zone out at times, I just cannot bring myself to feel present.

I can't seem to enjoy anything, I've got no motivation to do things that should be enjoyable.

I'm just in a real funk, does anyone have any productive suggestions for how to get back my grip on reality and shake this all off?

@halfsiesonapotnoodle

Peri menopause OP. All sounds very familiar. How old are you ‽

OP is early 30s, as am I. So I’d be surprised if it was peri.

What can you outsource?

Can you outsource your cleaning and laundry? Would that help you, especially as your DH is struggling with physical support at present? Your DSC are within your DH's ability to handle rather than you taking the cognitive and emotional load of sorting this.

This has to buy time (literally) that is dedicated to you and your wellbeing. It's not so that you can spend more of your time doing more for others.

Quoting this from a classic and well known post:

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they [your DH/DP] leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.

I’m so sorry @LightfoldEngines that you are having such a difficult time. That sounds incredibly tough, I hope you are getting some support.

I’m 31 I just googled perimenopause and I can’t see I have any symptoms of that. I think I’m exhausted, frazzled, worn down, fed up, and down. All of which are symptoms of my relentless day to day

I have suicidal ideation. I’m not actually suicidal because I’d never, ever do that to my girls. I know that I won’t do that. But sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about it. Because I have no enjoyment in anything any more.

I got a new job a few months ago and it was supposed to make things better but it hasn’t because my focus and concentration is so bad that I struggle to get through the work and then I have to work at night to stay afloat. I need to lose weight and get back to the gym and start looking after myself again but I can’t seem to pull myself up at all.

About six months ago I was given an oral contraceptive after a diagnosis of endometriosis. I think this is partly behind how I’m feeling. I have never coped well on hormonal contraception. But the alternative is searing pain and ridiculous periods etc.

Unfortunately, almost zero physical help with anything but great emotional support from my brother who lives abroad.

I second outsourcing if you can - I recently hired a cleaner for 2 hours a week and it’s been life changing. I don’t need to hoover or mop any more (unless something spills), and only have to quickly wipe down kitchen and bathroom.

If I weren’t forking out for a storage unit, I’d have her for more hours as she does things like changing bedding (which at 5ft fuck all is an extreme sport for me ) and other routine jobs that my frazzled ADHD, PTSD brain just cannot seem to do right now without it taking all my might.

I’ve had Limp Bizkit Break Stuff pretty much on repeat all day as I angrily sort, organise and pack items Having a good scream sing has helped my mood!

I am spending too much time mindlessly scrolling and similar when I could be doing things I previously enjoyed, but I just can’t summon up the energy for any of it. And I think that’s the worst part of it all, isn’t it? When you can’t even find the joy in small things.

Your DH doesn’t sound like a ‘help’ he sounds like - setting aside his health issue - he doesn’t do his fair share.

Unless you’re getting highly paid for your job (or a fair share of the profits!) would seek a different one somewhere better and easier!

DH does help normally, we’ve had many chats about him sharing the load and he does albeit with needing a nudge sometimes. Which does irk me but he is very laid back and doesn’t always appreciate my want to keep on top of things. He takes care of his DC it rarely falls on me apart from with him currently not being very mobile.

I just don’t feel like keeping it up much longer or even see how I can. It doesn’t feel sustainable

It’s not ‘helping’, it should be as much his responsibility as yours.

Your OP said he does no mental load and implied he is strategically incompetent.

Being ‘laid back’ is also a common tactic to avoid domestic work etc

I hear you @LightfoldEngines on the angry sing song. I do partake in this from time to time.

You hit the nail on the head, it is the lack of joy I get from things I should which I think ultimately leads to feeling as I am. I seem unable to balance life out with the good stuff because I’m too exhausted to. I used to be able to, it used to not matter that I’d had a stressful week at work because I would enjoy my weekend with walks and pub lunches and drawing. But I just zone out and want to lie down and stare at the ceiling which I seem to do too much of.

Hi op. There are a few things you can do:

Down tools at a certain time every evening and relax. You need to recharge.

Prioritise what needs doing and either outsource cleaning or job admin or things will just have to be left.

If you're running the company single handedly then is there a possibility of you setting up on your own? If you're doing all the work then you may as well be earning all the money and be able to outsource certain things!

Give your DH charge of certain things - mental load included. Whilst he's physically incapacitated, he can do the mental stuff and all the phoning and organising.

You sound burned out, OP. I think you should set very firm boundaries with your boss. You're doing extra hours and not taking holidays because if you don't, the work builds up. Well, if it does ... so what? It's not your problem. Stop doing any overtime. Have firm start and stop times, and stick to them. When things start falling apart, your boss will have to get some extra help - you are making it possible for him to ignore the problem by shouldering all the work yourself.

A pp said take a week off sick, and I think that's a good idea. Take the week off, lie in bed and recover, and after that work to rule - no extra hours!

Whilst I appreciate the insights on DH. I don’t feel it’s the crux of the issue. Typically he works very long hours himself in a physical job and does his share of domestic duties. He does all organising of DSC apart from meal planning and cooking as that’s my domain usually. Usually because I quite like cooking, but get less enjoyment out of that these days too.

I will look into a cleaner though possibly, it would be a expense we would need to look into if it could be afforded but if it could make a difference it could be worth it.

Despite working 50 hours a week we are by no means flush. I worry about how we will cope with rising cost of living. We aren’t poor but we are one of the many families that are only a couple of days of financial difficulties. We are only just about going to be able to scrape by DH not being able to work for a few months because we knew it was coming and DH has worked flat out leading up to set money aside

Yes, it’s the same here too. I’ve always been very present with DDs, do a lot with them at weekends because they’re in wrap around from 8:30 to 5:30, but now? I can barely muster up the energy to do LEGO or other similar low energy activities and the guilt then leads to me feeling even worse.

I think that over reliance on screens during the pandemic and the lockdowns because I still had to study and work, is a major factor with this. Lockdowns were just walks and parks, which got boring, and then after, places were slow to open back up which just lengthened the “getting out of the habit of Doing and Enjoying Things”.

I wish I could set up on my own. But it’s a very highly regulated industry and I would need all my own licenses and insurances which as far as I’m aware cost thousands.

I am plotting on how to address with my boss though. I am to date unpaid for months of overtime. Before Christmas he offered to make me a shareholder in the business but that is yet to come into fruition.

I’m not sure how taking a week off sick would work? Presumably it would be unpaid? I’m not sure how easily I could switch off from it, I know I need to but I think I’d be too worried what mess I would come back to

I would tell your boss you aren't working anymore overtime until he pays in full what you are owed. That future overtime will be charged at 1.5 times your standard rate.

Presumably he cannot easily replace you?

DH parenting his DC (your step DC) is something that should be standard and not a ‘high bar’ - and you say you do the cooking, which is one of the most time consuming aspects of day to day parenting/domestics. Him working long hours in paid work is, again, by the by as regards whether or not he pulls his weight parenting your shared DC, domestics and so on.

Your OP said you cover the ‘mental load of the house’ and that DH ‘needs instructing’ and takes ‘no share of the mental load’.

IMO that and your work situation are key factors in your current health/wellbeing issue.

Have you asked your boss to pay you, or ceased the overtime until paid? Is employment elsewhere - in your current or a related field - an option?

Wonder if you have an issue in general with lacking assertiveness/confidence?

DH could probably do more, but I’ll probably have to address that when he’s fit and able again. Generally I do feel like we share it pretty well in day to day tasks. The mental load not so much, I would generally put this down to me being the more natural organiser and at times a bit of a control freak.

I will address with my boss also, this post has helped me see it’s not acceptable. I’ve fallen into a trap of wanting to keep on top of things to avoid things getting in a mess to avoid having to clean up the mess. It will be a tough cycle to break.

I don’t think I lack assertiveness, I am by nature quite confident and self assured. I have managed to carve out a career in an industry which requires strong decision making. But I think I am someone who is very reluctant to put their hands up and say this is too much, I can’t cope.

I watched a stand up show last night. And there was an Aussie stand up who said she had an anxiety disorder and it resonated with me. I regularly convince myself I am just one good sleep away from feeling better. That if I could just get to bed earlier, drink more water, eat more veg, take vitamins etc that it will solve everything. Rather than addressing the bigger issues.

Saying that, I’m still going to have a herbal tea and try and get an early night.

The mental load is something your DH can start doing right now - good time for him practice when he is incapacitated.

I would spend 15 mins at the end of your working day and email your boss the most urgent outstanding items - or have a shared list - and it's on him to ensure things don't go tits as things fall apart when you stop carrying his mental load of owning his own company!

Hi OP. There is great advice here so far. I just wanted to come on and advocate for some body based stuff too. You’ve got a lot going on and your cortisol levels will be going through the roof, but on a day to day level you can work to reduce to the cortisol and adrenaline and calm your body. It’s the stuff that is hard to believe it’s worth the time to do, but yoga or stretching, mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises… it won’t won’t solve the cause of your stress and I don’t want to go full lentil-weaver on you, but it is one thing that you have control over and has an instant effect on your body.

I do a 10 min yoga video most mornings and a meditation at night to fall asleep. It helps me escape my brain.

Good luck!

Thanks @pennysays I did try to get into the habit of yoga before Christmas to try and ground myself a bit, I found it quite helpful. I will try and get back into it

Some good advice here. Just on the pay you should get at least statutory sick pay (ssp) more if it is in your contract.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/rights-at-work/sick-pay/check-if-youre-entitled-to-sick-pay/