Would you say you are the result of 'gentle' parenting?

[use257]

I have posted this in parenting as well but wanted to post here for traffic and it is a bit of an aibu as well.

Would anyone say they are the result of gentle parenting? As in your parents closely followed gentle/attachment parenting, now you are an adult? I loved the idea of this before coming a parent but now some of the groups I'm in seem to be so rigid and toxic. Just wondering if an adult would say it significantly benefitted them or if they had issues around authority etc later in life. I think it's relatively new to apply this name to this style of parenting so not sure if there will be anyone.

I would say I am a result of Gentle parenting. My Mum was a SEN teacher and was inquisitive about new methods of teaching that were thoughtful and kind. She applied that to the most part on how she brought us up so would give explanations and encourage us to understand our behaviour and how it affected others, I don't remember her raising her voice, she didn't smack or send us away, didn't punish at all. My Dad was not around a great deal due to work but he has always been quite an emotional man so he would empathise quite easily with stuff. He was more formal than my Mum though. As babies she certainly would constantly attend to us, in the neighbourhood should got a bit of a reputation for being so attentive at playgroups etc. As other Mums were more inclined to leave babies to cry. I think it benefitted us as our parents wanted us to question things for them that would be a good outcome- and enquiring mind. My brother is incredibly successful and has a great amount of self confidence. I am not the same but I don't know if that is because I am the youngest and was babied so I maybe think I can't do as well as him. I am quite assertive though and yes, possibly do question injustices etc.

My DH's mother followed the Penelope Leach (?)book in the 80s but she is very formal and IMO was strict so I don't know how that works. Tbf my DH is self confident, successful but she does have issues with my BIL and he often references his strict childhood. However, he does exaggerate according to my DH.

Thank you @Goldenbear that's interesting! She sounds a lovely mother.

I’d say my parents were definitely on the “gentle” side although wouldn’t have given it that label. I don’t really remember being punished as a child and they would sit and explain to me if I did something wrong rather than more traditional discipline.

I only remember being shouted at once (and I remember it because it was so unusual!) obviously I probably don’t remember lots of toddler times when I’m sure I tested their patience more though!

I have a really good relationship with my dad now although there was a rocky patch in my teens after my parents divorced. I’m not so close to my mum although I think that’s more to do with her depression / interactions in my late teens but we do text most days but just surface level stuff.

I think they did a good enough job enough of the time for me and my sister to be reasonably well adjusted adults. That’s what I aim for with my DD rather than perfect parenting as I think that’s just unrealistic.

I think I am. My parents are very empathetic and I was never shouted at, punished or treated badly in any way. My mum was a KS1 teacher and very understanding of the way children are. I always felt very loved.

I think I am quite patient and calm as a result. I am also very sensitive and really feel things a lot. Posts that I've read on here about how children have been treated have driven me to tears. I can't bear any sort of unkindness or injustice towards children.

Yes, I would say I am. My DM held with the theory of a parent's job just being to let kids get on with exploring their world and developing an inner sense of right and wrong, not trying to direct them to do things, tell them how to play etc. Sounds so hippyish!

Similar to @Goldenbear, there was no punishment, physical or other, but I didn't need it as I think she just used distraction techniques most of the time. I was an only child which undoubtedly made the whole thing easier, I'm sure. Voices were never raised, don't remember it happening once with her or DF my whole childhood.

I'm not saying it's made me an incredible person or anything(!), it hasn't, but I do think the world would do well to do more of this type of parenting. I don't really know what you mean by "issues with authority", but it certainly hasn't done that. I'm quite introverted and quiet, but happy. And (touch wood) have so far avoided the MH problems that have plagued her and other family members.

I have 3 DC and when they were babies she would come and look after them and a sense of calm would descend around the place. She could spend an hour talking to one of them about a leaf in the garden or the pattern of clouds or something. Then when she left, I'd vow to be more patient and was for a bit, as it was inspiring. But with 3 it's a bit more difficult!

Ooh I was definitely raised in a very gentle way. I was never shouted at or grounded, got lots of cuddles and I was allowed to sleep in my parents bed until I was like 7 (). I remember feeling so loved all the time and my parents were and still are some of my best friends. I think the only downside was that I struggled with being apart from them for some time, which was slightly awkward with sleepovers and trips because I just wanted my mum and dad. I grew out of it eventually.

I've always felt lucky to have such a good relationship with both of my parents. I don't know if it's all down to their parenting methods or if it's a personality thing, but DH and I are kind of naturally following the same path with our DC and I'm hoping to have a similar relationship with our DC. Time will tell I suppose!

I wasn't really punished or shouted at as a child but there was a fair amount of parenting through guilt. "You've let us down", "we're so disappointed" stuff. I'm not sure whether that counts as gentle parenting? It was quite oppressive, tbh.

We were quite nervous, compliant children so our parents didn't find it difficult to control us. We've all suffered from low confidence as adults though.

@ChocolateMassacre

I wasn't really punished or shouted at as a child but there was a fair amount of parenting through guilt. "You've let us down", "we're so disappointed" stuff. I'm not sure whether that counts as gentle parenting? It was quite oppressive, tbh.

We were quite nervous, compliant children so our parents didn't find it difficult to control us. We've all suffered from low confidence as adults though.

@Chocolate, no, that's really not gentle –words can be just as damaging as yelling or smacking, and loading your DC with guilt, to the extent it's affected you negatively as adults... it makes me mad. They've let you down.

use257, she is and she treats my DC in a similar way- she is very calm and that rubs off on to them when we visit. She always sees the best in her grandchildren which I think is great as I notice my MIL is quite sarcastic and this didn't work when they were little, they didn't get it. Sometimes her jokes and manner is still questionable- to be fair she is a product of very critical parents so I don't know how much she can help it.

Gosh what an interesting question. I think that in some ways I was parented gently (for example, I clearly remember getting into my parents' bed in the night and how safe and lovely that felt) but in others I wasn't. I don't remember really being punished except on one occasion when I was sent to bed without pudding (the horror!) but my Mum did have a bad temper and she would shout and snap at us.

She died when DBro and I were still young and then Dad was so easy with us. He had barely any rules and never punished us at all. Not so much gentle as permissive. No idea if it is as a result, but we both have a very strong internal moral compass. We could've gone completely off the rails but we didn't, so maybe that sense of right and wrong had already been instilled in us as young kids?

We are both pretty gentle with our DC (and funnily enough have both married people who also subscribe to that style of parenting). Neither of us have any issues with authority, though we both live probably slightly quirky lifestyles in ways. We know ourselves well and are confident in our choices and our desires.

Sadly though I think I am a lot like my Mum - I have a horrible temper, which I try to shield the kids from but don't always succeed. And I'm a bit messed up by her death and what happened afterwards which I think has also contributed to my parenting failures, but I'm working hard on that.

By the way OP I agree with you on how toxic the groups can be. I have met quite a few people who were basically abused in childhood and seem to think that mainstream parenting (sleep training, naughty step etc) is tantamount to that. And it just isn't, whether we may agree with it or not. I always feel that there is a lot of unresolved pain in those groups, and also that some kids are really being let down by a permissive rather than true gentle (which should be authoritative) style.

@SamanthaVimes that sounds a lot like my childhood actually. Especially the relationship with my mum, I would say we are close but we're never emotional with eachother, she comes across as cold to others and I can see why. That's what I would like to do differently with my children, hoping this style of parenting will mean they can carry on being close with me into their teens and beyond!

@tammyjess bless you, I'm the same.

@orzoisorange aw she sounds amazing. By the authority thing, I mean with having no punishments as a child some people say gentle parenting will produce kids with no respect for authority. I think the opposite is true tbh.

@SpaceyCake yes that's another thing that critics would say, that your child will be clingy and not able to leave you for years. It's clearly worked out well for you as an adult though

@ChocolateMassacre that is the exact opposite of gentle parenting-everything it stands against. I'm sorry they used those methods, it was probably just down to lack of education rather than malice (I hope)

[quote use257]@orzoisorange aw she sounds amazing. By the authority thing, I mean with having no punishments as a child some people say gentle parenting will produce kids with no respect for authority. I think the opposite is true tbh. [/quote]
@use257 oh, unquestionably. Those with no respect for authority are generally rebelling against over-strict and punitive parenting, imho... it's motivated by inner rage, not a gentle upbringing...

I’m not a product of gentle parenting exactly although I did always feel very loved, but I agree with others that gentle parenting and attachment parenting are not the same thing and I think it’s really important that gentle doesn’t become permissive. I think some of the descriptions above are lovely examples of how positive gentle parenting can be. I have a masters degree and the main focus of that was attachment and I find a lot of the hardened attachment parenting groups deliberately misinterpret the theory and use that to suggest that anyone who doesn’t follow their methods exactly will not have a secure attachment with their child, which is just not true.

Just to add, I have worked professionally with a number of children who had no boundaries from their parents and felt in control of the adults around them, this is really problematic and can create long lasting issues. Children do need loving respectful boundaries and to know that the adults are ultimately in charge and can keep them safe.

[quote use257]@ChocolateMassacre that is the exact opposite of gentle parenting-everything it stands against. I'm sorry they used those methods, it was probably just down to lack of education rather than malice (I hope)[/quote]
They meant well. They were quite young parents and they wanted us to succeed and be perfect but unfortunately I think to some extent they judged their success as parents by how little trouble we were to everyone around us. They got lots of compliments like "so well-behaved", "no trouble at all", "they were playing so quietly we didn't even know they were there". My mother still talks about how we were no trouble growing up and she could take us anywhere and leave us with anyone (which I do remember, at least compared to our more troublesome cousins, who were always fighting and damaging things). Our cousins were constantly yelled at and not infrequently hit by their parents, so I think my parents would have considered themselves very 'gentle' parents compared to that.

My parents did not follow a particular philosophy. They weren't mean but I was shouted at/punished/smacked when I was naughty, I was told no etc. I grew up to be perfectly fine, was not traumatised as a result, and have a good relationship with my parents.

Absolutely not. My parents were pretty strict and shouted at us quite a lot. I generally has a happy childhood but I used to be terrified of getting into trouble both at home and at school. They made a huge deal out of minor infractions and often I would be told off for things I genuinely didn't know were "bad". I was never allowed to show frustration or anger myself and would be punished if I did.

As a consequence I am trying very hard to parent my own DC gently. Patience is the one thing I strive for in my parenting style. No shouting and no anger. I'm also trying to be less of a people-pleaser as an adult.

@ChocolateMassacre

I wasn't really punished or shouted at as a child but there was a fair amount of parenting through guilt. "You've let us down", "we're so disappointed" stuff. I'm not sure whether that counts as gentle parenting? It was quite oppressive, tbh.

We were quite nervous, compliant children so our parents didn't find it difficult to control us. We've all suffered from low confidence as adults though.

Exactly the same here. My parents never shouted, maybe at each other but not at us. They never said they were disappointed but they spoke in that tone where you were just dying for them to shout at you instead. My dad didn't set strict rules but we were too scared to ask him for x y z anyway, so we stayed in line that way. As an adult I still find myself trying to make people happy and taking on others burdens as my own. Also gone NC with my family including siblings. It's a huge weight off of my shoulder. My upbringing does make parenting a bit difficult for me but I'm trying my best to steer more towards gentle parenting that the detached style I had. I'm interested to see others experiences in gentle parenting to implement in my own life.

I was born in the mid-70s and I'd say my parents were firm, but also very kind. We were definitely expected to have good manners, do as we were told, tidy up our own mess, and generally not be a pain in the arse to anyone around us. If we were doing something we knew full well was wrong, we'd get spoken to sharply but not really shouted at and I don't ever remember being smacked. Both my parents were very affectionate, praised me a lot, told me they loved me etc. They would never have made me eat something I hated, but they also wouldn't pander to fussiness by preparing separate meals - basically I was allowed to only eat the bits of a meal I liked, so if it was casserole, broccoli and potatoes I didn't have to have the broccoli and I could pick the peppers out of the casserole, that kind of thing). They had no issue with me getting all my toys out and making a mess, provided I tidied them up again when I was finished, and they massively encouraged us all to be creative and curious. They'd answer difficult questions honestly and would apologise to us if they felt they'd been too impatient or got something wrong.

Generally speaking, I think the overarching theme of my parents' parenting was that they wanted us to be decent human beings who were kind to others and didn't consider ourselves more important than anyone else. So they absolutely were not the sort of parents who would let us, say, run around and make a lot of noise in a cafe in the name of self-expression, or climb over people's furniture when we went to people's houses. But they would also explain kindly to us why that wasn't considerate towards other people, just like they'd explain why it wasn't fair to push in front of other kids in a queue for a slide or something. They encouraged us to be individuals, but I also think they made it abundantly clear that our individualism didn't trump the rights of anyone else, if that makes sense.

By and large I think they got it pretty much right. I definitely think I grew up with a very clear sense of boundaries and I think my parents are largely responsible for me not being an unbearable arsehole. My sister is slightly more critical of my parents than me, but she and I are also very, very different in personality.