Would you say you are the result of 'gentle' parenting?

[use257]

I have posted this in parenting as well but wanted to post here for traffic and it is a bit of an aibu as well.

Would anyone say they are the result of gentle parenting? As in your parents closely followed gentle/attachment parenting, now you are an adult? I loved the idea of this before coming a parent but now some of the groups I'm in seem to be so rigid and toxic. Just wondering if an adult would say it significantly benefitted them or if they had issues around authority etc later in life. I think it's relatively new to apply this name to this style of parenting so not sure if there will be anyone.

My parents were definitely not gentle parents! Well, my dad might well have been of not paired with my mum, who was angry enough for both of them. We did however know a couple of families who I can see with hindsight were using gentle parenting methods. When they were kids, they were noticeably less “in control” than other 80s kids - but as adults, all of them are the most pleasant, well-adjusted people I know. Done right, it can clearly work.

I am not a gentle parent, but I have tried very hard to borrow more from that philosophy than from whatever philosophy my mum was using (to varying degrees of success).

I don't think I was the product of gentle parenting, but I am still very close to my parents now. I don't parent in the same way as they did, though. My DM actually said to me the other day that she loved watching me with my DS and wished she'd been more like me as a parent herself. It kind of made me simultaneously happy and sad, overall I think she was a great Mum and, funnily enough, she definitely subscribes to the gentle parenting ethos as a grandparent as I think it's given that slight degree of separation that means she finds it easier to be extremely patient.

I still think boundaries are really important, though, within the gentle parenting context. I seem to have come across quite a lot of people in the last year or so who seem to have interpreted gentle parenting as never saying the word no and essentially allowing their children to do whatever they want- their children are unfailingly appallingly badly behaved. The friends I have who subscribe to gentle parenting but with expected standards of behaviour that they are firm on have very lovely children who are growing up to be kind and sensitive, seem confident and secure, but also know the meaning of the word no. I feel like that's the best of both worlds.

I don’t know if it gentle parenting as such but I was never punished or shouted at. Having said that I was a compliant child anyway, and I clearly understood boundaries and the correct way to behave so I never misbehaved, worked hard at school etc. I don’t really know how my parents managed it tbh. I felt loved and supported by them growing up, and I still do now. I’m very lucky.

My mother was a mixture of attachment styles - breastfeeding me for 3 years, no dummy - just soothed at the breast or rocked and cosleeping…and then bizarrely smacking and lots of shouting. I feel like the breastfeeding positivity rubbed off on me 100% and was very beneficial. The smacking and shouting..not so much!

My mum was quite strict but dad less so , as children we were smacked, we are all ok and have a great relationship but I shiver now to think smacking was so , normal then?

I can’t decide.

I was never grounded, I don’t recall ever being punished in a way. But was shouted at when naughty, a fair amount.

I do however recall one Christmas morning where I was dragged to my room by my hair for throwing down a toy that came broken (stropping) by my dad.

I’m not exactly sure what kind of parent I am either. I think I try and follow the gentle parenting approach but I don’t follow the rules by the book I guess. I do occasionally shout at DC but I usually shout when they’re doing something that needs immediate correction I.e today they stood in the drawer of the tv unit in the house were ‘borrowing’ so the furniture isnt attached to the walls and I was terrified it was going to tip and the TV fall on them, so I shouted, I scared them and they cried. Then I apologised, sat down and explained why I shouted and that I didn’t mean to scare them and that mummy didn’t want them to get hurt so I needed to shout quickly; then went on to say they shouldn’t ever climb on furniture as it’s dangerous and can hurt them if it falls.

I also lack patience sometimes, I think being 8 months pregnant doesn’t help that, but o feel like I’ve explained particular things time and time again and it’s just not getting through and it makes me think if this whole gentle parenting thing works and is actually worth it. The only thing that seems worth it is that communicating with DC is so much easier than before. When it’s time to tidy up toys at the end of the day they know exactly what they need to do (and will occasionally point me in the direction of putting things away too as if I’m being told to tidy up!🤣) so in a way it is working, the information is going in.. but only some of it! 🙈

I would say I was the result of no parenting, back in my day you put the kids out along with the cat, and called them back in at dinner time.

it taught me to be independent and deal with my own problems and where the best places are to find money (aka lost change) or best ways to make a few quid local (betting with other kids/teens).

I dont remember much, my dad used to shout at everyone for interrupting his TV watching but thats about it, the only rule I recall was no crying, never cry in front of anyone as its a sign of weakness, my dad enforced that rule with slaps until you stopped it.

I am surprised how un independent kids are now, how they dont think outside the box to get extra cash and how they dont travel around much on their own and are always on the phone telling their parents where they are. they dont cook either, I could cook pizza, pasta and soup and things by the time I was 10.

my son is 11 he wont go anywhere without me, he can barely make himself a sandwich, I try and push but he just wont be independant on anything

Yes I would say my mum gentle parented, although I'm not sure it was a "thing" in the 80's. We were never smacked, made to feel silly or really shouted at. Maybe as older children say 9/10 but as infants never.

I feel like a well rounded adult, no MH problems or anxiety and I'm pretty content with my life in general.

My Mum is very much the same with my DS now, shes a great Mum

That was meant to be about the shouting aspect at 9/10 not the belittling or smacking 🙈

I would say I’m the result of gentle parenting although my Mum did occasionally shout - she would always apologise and explain afterwards though so I don’t think it had a hugely negative impact on me (although I am the same when under high stress).

I am a secure, well attached and happy adult and feel very loved and supported by my parents. I did have issues with authority as a teenager and I still don’t enjoy being told what to do - I tend to broadly be of the view that I make the best decisions and can be a little (a lot, my husband would probably say) uncompromising as a result. I think this characteristic is a product of my parenting. It also made me ambitious as I knew I had to be pretty senior pretty quickly if I didn’t want to be told what to do all the time!

My Mum also co-slept, breastfed me until I was 2, never sleep trained me etc either.

No. My parents were extremely lax about things that didn’t matter to them- anything to do with making us kinder, more thoughtful, more responsible people- and didn’t enforce any rules or discipline at all. But anything that was considered common or affected their personal comfort was leapt on and dealt with with fury and pretty draconian punishment. That might even be the opposite of gentle!

My DF was the gentlest of souls and never ever raised his voice. DM was less so, she was a bit of a shouter and if sent up to our rooms may have got a slap across the back of our legs going up the stairs. It didn't hurt but wasn't nice. DF would come home from work and we could hear him asking DM to let us back downstairs as it was cold in our bedrooms. No central heating in the 1940s/50s.

Funnily enough the very worst thing was the few occasions DF said something like he was disappointed at the way I had behaved - that would crush me up inside. My sister and I were obviously happy with his gentle approach but as an adult I can now see how unsuppoprtive that was to my DM and it must have frustrated her.

Yes. My parents were responsive, patient, affirming and interested in me. They didn't shout, took their time speaking with me, explaining things to me and teaching by example. They were physically affectionate and demonstrative, lots of cuddles and reassuring touch.
They set clear boundaries and expected me to engage in conversations if I ever transgressed, but I was never blamed, shamed or guilted about anything.
They weren't at all permissive, but I massively went off the rails just for kicks in my early teens and left home at 15. But there were no dramas and I still felt very loved and liked and that my life choices were respected.

no my dad was a gentle giant but my mom was a tarmigan

Absolutely not. We were smacked, shouted at, but also very loved and cared for. It’s an odd thing trying to reconcile this but we actually had an amazing childhood.

i am and i was brought up on a "rough "council estate in the 80s

both my parents did gentle peaceful parenting but in those days it didnt have a label

my mother was a sahm and my dad unemployed till i was 12.but was a very modern man .half half house work, childcare(he was the only man that was every outside the school gates)and he did all the cooking which was always home made always helped with home work and spent time with us
both always talked to us about things and we were never brought up with im the adult you do as i say it was always discussed between us all

the results of this is ie never been in any trouble ,teetotal all my life, never drank never smoked and wasnt a trouble teen
only ever had the 1 man/boyfriend(for 22 years till he f-offed with my best friend)

my sister the same but she does drink occasionally
in the early to mid 80s this behaviour was not the "norm"i knew men who spent all the house hold money on booze and fags and the kids went cold and hungry as benefits came in the mans name in those days
awful domestic violence to the point he kids thought it was norm and when i was asked why doesn't my mother never have bruised they were gobsmacked when i explained my life
we always had food and the house was always clean and warm and they never drank or argued.

i have a sister 6 years younger than me and tbh we had a lovely life

never smacked, screamed at or grounded. never talked down to or do as i say because im the adult we were respected as people

a few of my friends had awful childhoods and awful home life

my oldest is 17 and ive followed peaceful/gentle parenting since day 1
we also home educate.(i wasnt as a child but my mother did say a few years back if she knew this world existed she would have )
i used cloth nappies .washable wipes ,only pure or organic products ive coslept since day 1(both babies have never been in a mosses basket or cot) and as a babies only organic fresh made food no pouches or jars. at 8 months ish they went on to normal food so i didnt keep up this diet for long
tbh i couldnt breast feed at all if i could have i would have exclusively breastfed for as long as wanted

my 17 y old and my 11 y old are treated with respect and their feelings and views are validated

i still coslep with my `11 y old as thats what he wants and needs
if they make a desion its respected.

i struggle to understand authoritive parents that say my choice over rights theirs as they are kids or smack shout and do naught chairs or time outs. its very degrading

Not me..the opposite. There was no understanding or attempts to, but there was love all the same. Bad behaviour resulted in shame but I don't remember any overt punishment at all, apart from once when my dad threatened me with the slipper.

I've gone more for talking it through with my kids, but there are limits, and to my shame when they were younger I used time outs/naughty step. Pointless and counter productive.

I don't think it matters how you label your parenting to be honest. Orthodoxies are always suspect. As long as you are genuinely willing to reflect and think about why you're doing what you're doing, I reckon that's good enough.

I actually detest how parenting choices and methods have become subcultures and value frameworks.

Are you a decent human who loves their kids and cares about their feelings? Wants them to be happy, educated, assertive and confident? Has thought about what you are doing and how that might affect your kids?
If so, that's enough. You don't need to label it or slavishly follow some group on Facebook.

[quote use257]@orzoisorange aw she sounds amazing. By the authority thing, I mean with having no punishments as a child some people say gentle parenting will produce kids with no respect for authority. I think the opposite is true tbh. [/quote]
I think this is a bit of a misunderstanding of the style to say there is no punishment. There may not be punishments per se, but discipline is via natural and/or logical consequences (which amounts to the same thing in many ways, but is less arbitrary).

I definitely am a result of this style of parenting, and the schools I went to were very similar- instead of detention at my secondary school, for example, they would sit you down and talk through the issue. In many ways it was so much more effective, and it's how I am parenting my child.

@Goawayangryman

I actually detest how parenting choices and methods have become subcultures and value frameworks.

Are you a decent human who loves their kids and cares about their feelings? Wants them to be happy, educated, assertive and confident? Has thought about what you are doing and how that might affect your kids?
If so, that's enough. You don't need to label it or slavishly follow some group on Facebook.

That's fair enough but some find it helpful to have some sort of guide. Parenting for the first time is scary and you want to do the best for them but don't know where to start. Some of it is helpful. Some of it is toxic

My youngest brother had "gentle" parenting. He was left to do what he wanted, no cuddles as such (my parents aren't tactile parents). Babied. And bankrolled, spoiled. He was never encouraged though, was and still is introvert. Now, he's in his mid 30s, low achieving, didn't get a steady job until a few years ago, moved from one NMW job to another in his 20s after his masters which my parents paid for, lived with my parents until he got married at 30.

My sister and i; had smacks, shouted at, disciplined, homework enforced, working during school holidays from age 16, and fearful of my dad. We moved away from home after university and now have successful careers with 50k+ salaries, our own home, ambitious, independent, extrovert. It was a tough childhood, proabably of our making and parental influence. But we are driven, successful and happy.

My brother, on the otherhand, manipulated and bullied by his wife, unhappy with his 20k job, no desire or energy or drive to better his life and still supplemented by my parents financially because they cant say no. There are so many disparities which i wont say as its pretty outing but can you see the results of the two different style of parenting??

@LonelyBones None of the parenting your brother experienced was gentle.

@LonelyBones that's not gentle parenting by any stretch!:)

Lack of parenting!