Would this be a dealbreaker

[Notsoteenmom]

DH and I been together for 7 years, married for 6 and 2 small DC together, under 1 and 4. DH is one of the good ones, or so it seemed. Works but is hands on with the kids, caring, does his fair share. Can be a bit lazy and not see stuff that needs doing round the house but if this is pointed out he genuinely apologises and makes an effort to rectify stuff.

However, I’ve caught him in a few lies before. Nothing big, things like ‘oh yeah I returned xyz’ when he actually forgot to do it. We definitely aren’t the kind of couple who shout and swear at each other so there wouldn’t be any reason for him to just not tell me, I’m not exactly going to cuss him out for forgetting things. There’s probably been about 5 of these small lies that I’ve found out.

When we first started dating he told me what he used to do for work and was self employed and had sold the business for x amount (a large amount). He’d then had some health issues and donated most of it to charity as he didn’t want it or need it. He had a house, small mortgage on it, not paid off or anything. He’s made reference to this money a few times before like ‘oh it would be nice to still have it’ or ‘oh now that we have kids I wish I hadn’t given it away’ etc. this happened semi regularly, maybe once every few months.

It all came to a head when I questioned it the other day and he admitted none of it had happened- he’d had a business, sold it, but for around 95% less than the amount he’d told me and none had gone to charity. I’m really angry at yet another lie and I don’t know what to do- it’s such a stupid, pointless lie and I don’t know why he did it and he can’t explain why either. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

Oh and I’m as certain as I can be that there’s no cheating or anything, he WFH and spends 99% of his time with me and the kids. But obviously I don’t know him as well as I thought I did, but I’d be very surprised if he was cheating.

I don’t want to break up our marriage when 95% of it is so good but this 5% just seems so big. I HATE liars, I’ve made this clear on multiple occasions and every time I’ve caught him out on a small lie, I’ve told him how much I hate lying.

To point out the obvious, it's not the occasional lies that are the problem, it's that you don't know when he's lying, so you can't trust anything he says.

I couldn't live with someone who I couldn't trust. You can't trust him emotionally or practically.

I think that's quite a big lie actually. Not on the same scale as "Oh, I returned X" when he hasn't. Though even the little lies are a major concern - it sounds as though making shit up is a way of life for him.

I wouldn't be able to trust anything he said. Which would kill the relationship. Even if it were just the little lies, it would smother any attraction I felt towards him, but he's lied to you for years about something really big. That would be it for me.

This is my point FantasticFebruary. How can I ever trust anything he says? But they’re such stupid bloody lies. I’m so torn on what to do.

Sadpapercourtesan thank you for your input. For this lie it’s that it’s been going on for so long and he’s made reference to it multiple times. And it was so needless, my dad lies in the same way to my mum and I always said I couldn’t be with someone who lies. But my mum says it’s not worth ending a marriage over because they’re not ‘life changing’ lies and my head is all over the place.

That level of dishonesty would be a dealbreaker for me I think...

I suppose if I was being really kind and he'd over-massaged it when he first met you to make himself look really good AND if it was the only lie he'd ever told you then I might be able to look past it.

But its not an isolated incident.

TBH the subject and seriousness of the lie isn't really the issue, its the fact that he has no compunction about doing it. Once trust has gone, its gone.

It sounds like he said something when you where dating and kind of just went with it. As when you got serious he would of looked stupid to be like btw I was exaggerating.

It would be bad enough the first time he lied about it - so pointless and clearly ego driven, but I could possibly persuade myself it was him trying to impress when you first met him, as he didn’t feel good enough. However to compound that lie by repeatedly referring to this huge chunk of non existent money is bizarre and unnecessary. It would make me question if he had some kind of personality disorder to be so wedded to a lie that he’ll bring it up without prompting. Just very odd. And yes probably a deal breaker for me as I’d never trust a word he said.

My first husband was a liar. I had no idea. I believed everything he said - why would I not?

I cannot stand liars. They are not to be trusted. Once I know somehow has lied, I avoid them at all costs.

The thing is his lying will erode your trust in anything he has to say.
I've spent time around compulsive liars, not all of their lies are small things that don't matter. Not all of those lies will be about other things, some of those lies will be about you, the children, your parents, your friends, your life together.
If you want to continue a marriage with him, he needs counselling to get to the bottom of why he lies. He needs to address this. I don't know if it would be possible through relationship counselling or would require counselling on a solo basis.

But there isn't a person who hasn't been lied about from compulsive liars, as you'll know having a dad who lies.

There's one thing lying when you've forgotten to take a library book back, but a complete different situation talking for years about how you couldve spent money you gave away, that never existed.

At first I thought you were meaning things that slipped his mind (my DH will say "oh yes, I posted that" but then I find it in his pocket or something). But to lie about a large amount of money and charity donation and go on about it (perpetuating the lie) would be a deal breaker for me - unless he got help. Does he acknowledge that this is a lie now? Does he see a problem with it? Is he willing to see someone and talk this through? His answers to those questions would help me make a decision I think, because if this continues how can you ever trust anything he says again?

Funny you should say this...

My DHs good friend is a bit of a Walter mitty like this. Over the years there have been a few tales.. which BIL likes to remind us about (not to friends face) regularly

He is a LOVELY man, a devoted father and a good husband.

The latest is... He works in low level recruitment and reckoned he'd been head hunted to work in NYC.
I work internationally and for an american company and have seen the process, moves / visas etc
Dh told me this at face value and I was highly skeptical....
Fast forward and after "paperwork delays" and whatnot he is now supposedly WORKING for this American company but remotely from the spare bedroom in the UK he will be moving to a glam midtown apartment shortly....
Last month he told my DH he didn't like the job so quit and his old employer rehired him and that was that.

All super weird and def made up.

We were discussing this from his wife's POV qnd how it must be for her.
My (often lovely) DH basically had the view that everyone has flaws... his friends are that he is a bit of a fantasist... he doesn't hurt anyone with it and he is a good friend husband, brother, son and father. He doesn't drink gamble, disappear off golfing or a on fucking bike, doesn't game into the night.
He goes to the football once a month and has 2 or 3 pints and loves taking his daughter swimming swimming to the park to give his wife a break on weekend mornings.
So what if he tells himself a few tales to make his life seem a bit bigger or more exciting?

After hearing DH's "case" for his friend I was inclined to agree with him.
So I don't think you should end an otherwise good relationship over this.

@sadpapercourtesan

I think that's quite a big lie actually. Not on the same scale as "Oh, I returned X" when he hasn't. Though even the little lies are a major concern - it sounds as though making shit up is a way of life for him.

I wouldn't be able to trust anything he said. Which would kill the relationship. Even if it were just the little lies, it would smother any attraction I felt towards him, but he's lied to you for years about something really big. That would be it for me.

That's how I'd view it - I'd never be able to know when he was telling the truth or not. Once the trust has gone, I think that's it. I'm sorry OP, it's a difficult situation.

I'm really surprised you believed that in the first place! Who would give all that money to charity when they then had no job and a mortgage?

The fact he's kept on lying about it is really weird - I assume he thinks it makes people think he's great?

If you do want to stay with him, could you go to joint counselling and tell the counsellor everything? It would be really interesting to hear what your husband had to say.

I was married to liar, could never believe a word he said. It destroys you because you never trust anything they say. Does he realise what a big deal his lying is or does he just shrug it off as nothing important
When you cannot trust your partner it is time to LTB

Going to get burned at the stake here but it sounds to me like he truely adores you and your family life and wants to make you happy, maybe he felt the need to lie to make himself feel more worthy because he doesn't have the confidence in his true self ? Most people tell little white lies tbh ' I jist went for A quick pint' ' it was on sale I only spent ££ + ( the other ££ shhh ) ' and especially at the start many men try to paint themselves on a throne to stand out, his one is a bit extreme tbh granted but can you really not trust him ? I would definitely tell him how it makes you feel and that you love him for him so there was no need then see what he says then go with your gutt.

I think it's the type of lie that would be a dealbreaker for me. Someone saying 'Oh yes, I did that today' when they actually forgot and were planning to do it tomorrow instead' probably wouldn't bother that beyond much being mildly irksome. But the whole lie about his business and the money he pretended he'd donated would really worry me. It's such an involved, detailed lie, that he proactively brought up again and again - it's such a deliberate deception, and also, utterly pointless. That tendency to just make up stuff for no reason would really, really bother me and I wouldn't be able to trust anything he said. I'd be questioning everything else he'd ever told me!

Probably a deal breaker for me.

Maybe not if he told the lie in the first instance then never referenced it again. That might imply he tried to impress you at the start but then regretted lying and hoped you'd forget it. But to keep referring to it over the years is worse than the lie in the first place!

Also, it's not a small lie to cover something up (like forgetting to return something). It also gives you a completely false impression of his character. 'Oh wow what a generous, caring guy sacrificing his own future/life to give all that money to charity instead.' Well no, he's as normal as the rest of plus a liar too.

I'd be very disappointed in him.

Deal breaker I’m afraid. Who knows what else he’s lying about - I found out the hard way there are worse things than him cheating.

My ex is a Walter mitty. These lies seem harmless but it gets to the point where you can't believe a word they say and you end up taking the reins of anything important because you simply don't trust them.

Youllt get there as well. There will be one event where he will look you in the eye and defend a lie to the death. You'll lose all faith in him and it's the beginning of the end.

@Lime37

It sounds like he said something when you where dating and kind of just went with it. As when you got serious he would of looked stupid to be like btw I was exaggerating.

I agree with this post ^

Although, not on the same scale, I told a few white lies to my now dh in the early days of dating to impress him (I told him I had interviewed a band for a journalism assignment at college, and had visited a worldwide famous attraction he liked when I was on holiday in the city this place was). I've never corrected these lies or told him they were lies out of embarrassment, and I am not a regular liar, nor have I lied about anything serious.

Even though my lies were much less important, I think maybe look at his reasons why he lied. It doesn't excuse it, however there is a difference between a devious lie and being sly, and a lie told to impress but out of embarrassment (or in your dh's case, shame perhaps?), kept going. The thing about a lie is, you fall into a hole when you tell a lie, and this can escalate and the lie gets bigger and more lies are told to avoid the shame of revealing the truth, etc. It is a vicious cycle.

I am not making excuses for your dh, I'd feel exact same as you despite what I said above. Your dh's lie was quite a significant one, and of course, proves he is capable of lying to you so trust will be hard. However, returning to my previous point, I think you need to consider WHY he lied and talk to him and hear what he has to say. Spell it out in no uncertain terms you won't tolerate any more lying. If anything else happens, then yes that'd be a dealbreaker, but for now I'd talk to him seriously and take it from there.

Yes it would.
I couldn't be with a liar

So he bugged himself up when you first started dating. He didn't know that it would turn in to a serious relationship/marriage with children and he was so deep in to the lie he couldn't back out.

I don't think he meant for the lie to run away with him. He just want to exaggerate a bit to impress you when you first started dating.

Silly and stupid? Definitely. But this is not a deal breaker.

We all lie.

That's a huge lie. I don't think you can sort it out on your own.