Would this be a dealbreaker

[Notsoteenmom]

DH and I been together for 7 years, married for 6 and 2 small DC together, under 1 and 4. DH is one of the good ones, or so it seemed. Works but is hands on with the kids, caring, does his fair share. Can be a bit lazy and not see stuff that needs doing round the house but if this is pointed out he genuinely apologises and makes an effort to rectify stuff.

However, I’ve caught him in a few lies before. Nothing big, things like ‘oh yeah I returned xyz’ when he actually forgot to do it. We definitely aren’t the kind of couple who shout and swear at each other so there wouldn’t be any reason for him to just not tell me, I’m not exactly going to cuss him out for forgetting things. There’s probably been about 5 of these small lies that I’ve found out.

When we first started dating he told me what he used to do for work and was self employed and had sold the business for x amount (a large amount). He’d then had some health issues and donated most of it to charity as he didn’t want it or need it. He had a house, small mortgage on it, not paid off or anything. He’s made reference to this money a few times before like ‘oh it would be nice to still have it’ or ‘oh now that we have kids I wish I hadn’t given it away’ etc. this happened semi regularly, maybe once every few months.

It all came to a head when I questioned it the other day and he admitted none of it had happened- he’d had a business, sold it, but for around 95% less than the amount he’d told me and none had gone to charity. I’m really angry at yet another lie and I don’t know what to do- it’s such a stupid, pointless lie and I don’t know why he did it and he can’t explain why either. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

@radiocity

So he bugged himself up when you first started dating. He didn't know that it would turn in to a serious relationship/marriage with children and he was so deep in to the lie he couldn't back out.

I don't think he meant for the lie to run away with him. He just want to exaggerate a bit to impress you when you first started dating.

Silly and stupid? Definitely. But this is not a deal breaker.

We all lie.

It's not the lie, it's the what else does he lie about. If you haven't been in a relationship with some one who does this shit then you won't comprehend.

Unless you're the Walter Mitty in yours so don't see the harm.

I think I would give him one last chance, anymore lies and it is over.
The most likely lie about the business was to impress you, and then he didn't know how to backtrack.

Tell him honesty is a dealbreaker and it must never happen again. It is not a big lie in the sense it has damaged you, but small lies are small lies and break trust, so I agree I would be upset too but I would not end an otherwise happy marriage.

I wouldn't tear my marriage apart for this, no.

I assume he was trying to impress you and then couldn't retract the lie so kept it up to seem so awesome he'd donated it all. That isn't OK, but I don't think there was any intent to cause harm.

But something needs to change because as pp said, how can you trust him and rely on knowing he'd not lying?

Did you give the kids their medicine?
Have you renewed the tax?
Did you order the passports?

Sorry, pressed too soon.

Would he consider counselling - couples or alone? There's got to be a root to the lie telling

I agree it sounds like something he said at the beginning when you were dating in the hope it would impress you, probably not thinking then that you'd go on to get married etc. However, I'd have questioned his judgement at the time. Who on earth makes a lot of money from a business sale and gives it away when they have a mortgage? No one knows what's around the corner with regards to life changes, so unless he was rich with a paid off mortgage and tens of £000 in the bank then I'd have thought then that he was not very sensible.

Thank you all for your input. I still have no idea what to do. I don’t want to break up our family but I can’t look at him the same way right now.

Sausagedogsarethebest, I did question it at the time. So basically the charity he said he gave it to was because he said he got quite a serious illness (he did) that was connected to the charity. So when he got better he just wanted to thank them. I’ve questioned it at least 8 or 9 times over the years with him because it didn’t add up but he just said it was the right thing to do at the time. He had so many opportunities to fess up but didn’t.

I don’t want to be a fool here. I gave him an ultimatum the last time he told a stupid lie and said I REALLY don’t like lies so PLEASE not again. So I’m worried if I give another won’t it mean nothing? Or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face and breaking up my family over something that doesn’t mean anything?

I’m so confused and sad.

I’ll mention counselling to him. Without trying to sound like a total bitch, I want him to feel as shit as I currently feel.

My friend is with a guy who lies.

She is currently having to deal with the fall out of his bankruptcy, that she didn't know about until after he'd been to court.

She is also currently having a nervous breakdown over the fact that he may have involved her in mortgage fraud for the last 13 years.

Little lies lead to massive problems.

You will have to go back through your entire relationship, literally day by day to unravel exactly how much of your life together, and his prior to you, is truth and how much is based on lies, old and current.

Honestly, considering how big and multi faceted that original lie was and that he's continued with it, if I was you I would assume every time he's speaking, or texting that he's lying. It's much easier in the long run.

Good luck.

These are just the lies you have spotted. Could there be more?

What has he told you now?

I'd certainly lose respect for him. If the money lie was a one off and he'd never lied about anything else then I'd let it go but it's the smaller lies that compound it. Just no need. Have you done xxxx? No, shit I forgot. But then again, someone who needs reminding and checking up on isn't an attractive trait either! You'll now be second guessing everything.

If the relationship really is 95% good then I wouldn't end it over this, certainly not. I would look at getting some couples therapy and working out what's going on there.

There’s 2 types of liars. Lies that we all tell occasionally to save our skin and liars that fantasise and fabricate.

Google Dupers Delight. There is a particular thrill behind this behaviour.

I think for me the most difficult part is that he lies to manipulate you, to manufacture an outcome favourable to him, whether or not that's at your expense. He disempowers you, he controls your response. He's capable of that, he's willing to do that to you if it serves him. That goes much further than corrosion of trust and having to sift lies from truth.

That first huge powerful lie would make me mistrust every early impression and interaction, every early choice I'd made, because it was all based on a person who doesn't exist! He formed a bond with you under false pretences.

I think I'd end up feeling a bit crazy - on the one hand an apparently lovely life; on the other, where is reality, when was I last on solid ground?

@Stravaig

You've just described my friends husband to a tee. He has her completely confused as to what is actually going on in their marriage.

He has lied to her throughout their relationship and she just cannot reconcile it all in her head so keeps reverting to he is wonderful, it's all someone else's fault, bizarrely she is currently blaming all their woes on his blameless ex wife rather than her scumbag husband.

It's been like watching a car crash in slow motion.

The business money/charity lie would have been minor if he'd told you that when you met to impress you, and that's as far as it went. But he's doubled down on it and lied further to you about it, continuously over the years. It shows that he is capable of lying to your face while in a relationship. You don't know what other lies he's told you. You can't trust him.

@Boiledbeetle I wonder if tracking the power dynamics can shine more light than sifting truth from lies? So hard to watch, unable to help until they are ready to see.

@Stravaig,

He's always had the upper hand in their relationship, but then he's lied for all of their relationship.

I'm having to tread carefully at the moment as my friend is at the point of complete mental shutdown. When she does eventually get back into a more stable frame of mind, I will try again to help her out of the awful mess she is in thanks to her husband and his lies.

It's very much one step forward two steps back at the moment.

Op, is this how you want your life theo be in another ten years? Mentally broken by the impact of your husband's lies?

Thank you all for your words, I’ve given them a lot of thought. I’ve told him I need a bit of space, he’s going to his parents for a few days. I’m torn between what if he never lies again and what else will he lie about. I’m torn between are they just small lies or do 5 small lies equate to a big problem. I’m torn between do I give him yet another chance to not lie or do I start something that breaks up our family. I don’t want to only see my 4 year old half the time, I don’t want to miss anything with my 1 year old.

I still haven’t mentioned counselling but I will. I’m going to look into what’s available for us. His mum came and we had a chat, she’s lovely. He says he told the lie at the beginning to impress me and it just came out, then he knew how opposed I was to lying so it just carried on and he didn’t feel he could tell me without losing me. Which is absolutely ridiculous because it’s ended up like this, where I don’t even like him right now let alone love him.

I agree with the posts saying I understand people telling white lies to impress someone.

But it's the fact that he has kept bringing it up and starting conversations about it. So he lied over and over again. It wasn't something he said, regretted it and then never mentioned again.

Every time he started a pointless converstation about wishing he still had it, was a lie that he chose to come out with.

I could not trust him again.

The thing is you really have no idea why he lies or more importantly how much he lies.You may be lucky and you have caught all his lies, but the chances of that are minimal to be honest.I

And little lies build into bigger lies build into massive lies. A lie is a lie.