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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think SN is not an excuse for bullying?

42 replies

Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:18

First off I'm not in the UK and the school are limited in what they can do as exclusion is not allowed here.

My DS(8) is being consistently bullied by an older boy. Low level bullying mostly, name calling and general unpleasantness. I never let it pass and raise it with the school every time DS tells me of a new incident. The school know it's happening, accept that it shouldn't be happening and promise closer supervision. They also make out that he can't help it as he has some sort of SN, but this is hinted at rather than said outright as they would be allowed to say that. Things then get better for a while but gradually slip back into old patterns.

Yesterday a line was crossed and he beat my DS. Hitting him in the face multiple times with enough force that DS still has marks on his face today. My DS is autistic and a very sensitive little boy who is often found in the nursery playground as he likes taking care of the very little kids. This is not a 6 of one situation at all.

I'm swinging between between being so angry I want to rip his fucking head off and just feeling heartbroken for my little boy.

I'm waiting for a call back from the head. I've cut him and the school a lot of slack until now. AIBU to not accept the SN defence anymore? My poor DS didn't want to go to school today as he was frightened. Sad

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 09:19

School are failing both children, badly. I wouldn’t send DS back till I knew their detailed plan to keep him safe.

maddening · 22/02/2022 09:21

What is the age of criminal responsibility in your country? If the older boy is over that call the police.

Hospedia · 22/02/2022 09:21

You're right to be angry, school are failing both of these boys.

Your DS should be safe in school and this other boy should be having his needs properly supported/specific teaching related to his needs so that he isn't lashing out at others.

Sirzy · 22/02/2022 09:24

School are failing both children. They aren’t doing the other child any favours and need to be providing him with the right supervision to stop immediate issues and then work with him to help him control his responses.

GizmosEveningBath · 22/02/2022 09:24

YANBU OP, your DS has a right to feel safe at school. As adults we wouldn't put up with being beaten in the workplace, so we shouldn't expect children to put up with it at school.

Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:27

@maddening

What is the age of criminal responsibility in your country? If the older boy is over that call the police.
15, although I have been told that they have the authority to step in and take action if a school is not dealing with bullying. Although I'm not sure how that works in practise.
OP posts:
CatJumperTwat · 22/02/2022 09:29

The school is ineffectual at dealing with bullying. I doubt that's going to change, no matter how forcefully you complain.

Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:33

My DH is also autistic and his experience of school was being beaten every single day. He says his overriding memory of school is being hunted like an animal. I am crying writing this thinking that is now going to be my little boys experience of school now it's crossed over into violence. There's not putting it back in the bottle.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 22/02/2022 09:33

Stop cutting them slack. Talk to the school and make it clear that due to this latest incident you will be contacting the police. You have photos?

This may galvanise the school.

Stressedout1009 · 22/02/2022 09:39

@maddening

What is the age of criminal responsibility in your country? If the older boy is over that call the police.
This. His issues are not your problem. A violent child like that needs to be removed. So sorry for your ds. Don't send him into school today.
Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:39

@Brefugee

Stop cutting them slack. Talk to the school and make it clear that due to this latest incident you will be contacting the police. You have photos?

This may galvanise the school.

Taken 4 hours later and clearly marked despite my camera being rubbish.
to think SN is not an excuse for bullying?
OP posts:
Stressedout1009 · 22/02/2022 09:40

At 15yo, call the police. That is horrific. He needs to be severely dealt with, vile bully 😡

LindaEllen · 22/02/2022 09:41

I'm assuming this isn't a SN school.

ALL children need to be kept safe, and if there isn't enough support in that setting for the child with SN, they need to be moved somewhere where there is.

Children cannot grow up to learn that violence is okay and goes unpunished. And if they don't have the mental capacity to understand that then, as I said, SN setting is required.

Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:42

@Stressedout1009

At 15yo, call the police. That is horrific. He needs to be severely dealt with, vile bully 😡
Sorry I wasn't clear. 15 is the age of criminal responsibility here. The boy in question is 9, almost 10.
OP posts:
Brefugee · 22/02/2022 09:44

OP i feel so sorry for your lad, he sounds very sweet looking after smaller children (also presumably because they can't bully him?)

In your shoes i would tell the school as a courtesy that you are informing the police, and i wouldn't let myself be swayed.
And then i would want to know what the school were going to do to stop a 15 year old having access to a 6 year old.

Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:46

@LindaEllen

I'm assuming this isn't a SN school.

ALL children need to be kept safe, and if there isn't enough support in that setting for the child with SN, they need to be moved somewhere where there is.

Children cannot grow up to learn that violence is okay and goes unpunished. And if they don't have the mental capacity to understand that then, as I said, SN setting is required.

No it's a mainstream small village school with mixed classes due to size. So they are in the same class despite being a year apart. Yesterday's incident happened at after school club. So the class teacher wasn't around but the afterschool staff are support staff in school during the day.
OP posts:
Babadook76 · 22/02/2022 09:47

I think it’s time to involve the police op. This is a serious assault and the school clearly aren’t taking action. At 15 he should definitely know better. If his disabilities are honestly so severe that he cannot control his violence, then he should be in a more specialist school. With his history of bullying on top of this assault, I think nothing less than permanent exclusion would be acceptable. Only his parents and the school can influence his behaviour and they’re not. Involving the police would very likely give them the kick up the arse that they need to finally take action

Babadook76 · 22/02/2022 09:48

Oh, I also thought you meant the boy was 15

Brefugee · 22/02/2022 09:51

oh me too. sorry.

AndAsIfByMagic · 22/02/2022 09:52

Police if the school can't act.

Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 09:56

There are currently some very big boys at school but they are now DS's minders.

I had to take him in today as he was too scared to go on his own. His teacher was in a meeting with the head and some other staff I don't know. They were discussing the situation and what they were going to do. So I'm waiting to hear back.

In the meantime the head had arranged for two older boys who are currently working at the school (work experience?) to stay with him at break times until they have a plan.

OP posts:
Sockwomble · 22/02/2022 10:11

The school should be supervising so it doesn't happen. SN can be the reason why some behaviours happen but the adults around the child should be supervising and working with the child so the child learns to control/ manage their own behaviour.

Hedonism · 22/02/2022 10:13

That's awful, your poor ds.

My child would not be going back into that school until I had heard detailed and credible plans of how they were going to keep him safe.

In the UK I would say contact the chair of governors, do you have the equivalent where you are?

Original poster
Ihatebullies2022 · 22/02/2022 10:22

@Hedonism

That's awful, your poor ds.

My child would not be going back into that school until I had heard detailed and credible plans of how they were going to keep him safe.

In the UK I would say contact the chair of governors, do you have the equivalent where you are?

I don't actually know. I'll be finding out. It's a private school but all their funding still comes from the municipality. Parents don't pay anything. Someone just told me that here the nuclear option is to threaten to report it to the municipality's education board as that could potentially impact their funding. But I don't really understand how that works either.
OP posts:
PagesOfSlime · 22/02/2022 10:28

omeone just told me that here the nuclear option is to threaten to report it to the municipality's education board as that could potentially impact their funding. But I don't really understand how that works either.

Be very careful of going for the nuclear option, especially if you aren't local! Is your DH local? Can you go to the meeting with someone else who knows the system?

In the meantime the head had arranged for two older boys who are currently working at the school (work experience?) to stay with him at break times until they have a plan.

To stay with who? With your DS? Because, actually that is the wrong way round! They should be staying with the boy who hit your son.