to think SN is not an excuse for bullying?

[Ihatebullies2022]

First off I'm not in the UK and the school are limited in what they can do as exclusion is not allowed here.

My DS(8) is being consistently bullied by an older boy. Low level bullying mostly, name calling and general unpleasantness. I never let it pass and raise it with the school every time DS tells me of a new incident. The school know it's happening, accept that it shouldn't be happening and promise closer supervision. They also make out that he can't help it as he has some sort of SN, but this is hinted at rather than said outright as they would be allowed to say that. Things then get better for a while but gradually slip back into old patterns.

Yesterday a line was crossed and he beat my DS. Hitting him in the face multiple times with enough force that DS still has marks on his face today. My DS is autistic and a very sensitive little boy who is often found in the nursery playground as he likes taking care of the very little kids. This is not a 6 of one situation at all.

I'm swinging between between being so angry I want to rip his fucking head off and just feeling heartbroken for my little boy.

I'm waiting for a call back from the head. I've cut him and the school a lot of slack until now. AIBU to not accept the SN defence anymore? My poor DS didn't want to go to school today as he was frightened.

Oh your poor DS and poor you how heartbreaking

I would cut them zero slack. My sister had a similar issue with her DS. The school were useless. No SN to my knowledge just a bratty boy who bullied anyone smaller than him. In the end my sister cornered him and quietly threatened him - I know that's considered abhorrent on here but it worked! He hasn't touched her DS since and gives her a very wide berth. She won't admit what she said to him but knowing her it was pretty scary! Anyway hopefully you won't need to get to that stage, I would definitely go down the municipality route if they don't stop this. We would NEVER accept violence in the workplace, we should be even firmer on violence against innocent children.

*In the meantime the head had arranged for two older boys who are currently working at the school (work experience?) to stay with him at break times until they have a plan.

To stay with who? With your DS? Because, actually that is the wrong way round! They should be staying with the boy who hit your son.*

Yes to this - the problem child should be one monitored - your child should be able to get on with enjoying school without bloody "bodyguards" I would tell them this!

Your poor boy.

That is just awful.

Hope the school take proper action to ensure your boy is safe.

I don't want to go nuclear and impact school funding. That's not fair on any of the kids. Especially as I have no idea how it works so what the impact would be. And no we aren't local, we're both British. I'm a scouser so having to properly rein myself in.

I've spoken to my daughter about it now and she's going to contact the school and speak to the head. She's actually a teacher herself in another town and tells me that the school has certain legal obligations and it doesn't sound like they meeting. She's going to ask for copies of the documention they should have completed and filed each time I've reported stuff.

Yes the two bodyguards are with DS but she did say the kid in question was also being supervised when she saw my raised eyebrow.

I agree that it's the other child that should be supervised not your child and what in God's name are they doing letting work experience students deal with a challenging child? That's not what they are there for
The whole thing is wrong. Glad your daughter is on to it
Your poor boy

I can't believe this happening. It's a fucking nightmare. The two bigs were only around before school started. DS was assaulted again a lunch break. Lots of kids were having a snowball fight. Bully spent the whole time just throwing lumps of ice at DS. Nobody else. Just DS. DS then threw a snowball which hit Bully so Bully has run at him, shoved him over with such force that he went flying and landed on his back with his feet going over his head. Where was the teacher? Nowhere to be bloody seen!

The other kids ran off to get someone, that staff member told Bully off and made him apologise, but DS said it was one of those pointless sullen sorrys which you say when you're not sorry.

Again, nobody said anything about it to me at pickup. The teacher that dealt with it came over and was chatting to another parent stood next to me but said absolutely nothing to me.

And I'm still waiting for a call from the head teacher.

They told me the Bully would be supervised. I told them my little boy was scared and they reassured me that he would be watched and it wouldn't happen again. What absolute bullshit.

Oh your poor boy.

The teacher that dealt with it came over and was chatting to another parent stood next to me but said absolutely nothing to me.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt, does she know you are DS's mum?

Sometimes this is all dealt with through the "proper" channels I.e. you have to go through class teacher, then escalate it to the head before you can take it further. If you jump a step, the next level up throws the complaint out.
Do you have a parent committee rep for DS's class who you could ask for advice on procedure?

Where was the teacher? Nowhere to be bloody seen!
If you make this point to them, they will come back and say another child was in need of attention and they can't be in two places at once. Of course, you can't disprove this.

Op I would be considering what is the attitude to playground time in the country you are in? I’m also not on the Uk and the attitude here is almost Lord of the Flys.
Can you keep DS home until they come up with a clear plan
Also i would go and speak to the police.
Does the school have a school psychologist or social worker? They can also be helpful allies.
Find out who the administrative level above the school is and go and speak to them.
Keep your DS home. That way he is safe.
Also go the the Pediatrician make a record of injuries and incidents.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, does she know you are DS's mum?

Yes he does. He's the main member of staff who does before and after school club so we've had a lot of contact over the years.

Op I would be considering what is the attitude to playground time in the country you are in? I’m also not on the Uk and the attitude here is almost Lord of the Flys.
Ours is too.

Can you keep DS home until they come up with a clear plan
I would be breaking the law to do this.

I agree with documenting as much as possible.

We had a similar situation and the school basically said that as DS has SN, he would have to get used to it because he will always be picked on

Also a school psychologist where I am ranks above a headmaster in terms of action plan - does your DS have one?

I have been known to jump rank and phone the authority one level above head/school psychologist and ask "I'm not local and not sure how the system works. Theoretically, what could I expect to happen in this theoretical situation?" That set the cat amongst the pigeons

We're in Sweden and it is a bit Lord of Flies but under the guise of 'be kind and hug it out'. But also completely unacceptable to bully. And yes I'd be breaking the law if I kept him home. We don't even have the option of pulling him out and home schooling as it's against the law too.

How's your Ds? Did the school ever get back to you?

Ask for the kid to be removed.

@PagesOfSlime

How's your Ds? Did the school ever get back to you?

He's actually remarkably happy, but then he always is. The other children have been especially kind to him the last couple of days and that has really helped him.

The headteacher seems sincere in wanting to fix it but does seem more leaning towards helping them both to work things out together rather than just keeping him away from DS. She also seems rather surprised about the whole thing and unaware that staff aren't following their own anti bullying policy. We have a meeting booked for next week where I can go through everything better. My language skills aren't great, especially when stressed and the head isn't confident with English so it's a bit hard to talk properly. Next week DD will come and she's fully bilingual so it will be easier.

She did say though that she has talked to the child and his parents about what has happened.

I've also spoken informally to a friend of a friend who's a local policeman. He said that yes I can file a report with them but they would then pass the report on to social services to deal with. He said his advice as a parent himself would be to say I will inform the School Inspectorate if it isn't sorted. Then it wouldn't be about looking at the child, but looking at the school. The head would have to show they have complied with all the legal steps, which we already know they can't do.

However, he also said he knows the headteacher well and he thinks if this is happening then it's absolutely because her underlings aren't keeping her informed as they should be, because there is absolutely no way she would know this was going on and do nothing about it. Some heads might, but not this one.

He also said he happens to have a meeting with the head next week so now he intends to raise the issue of bullying, reporting and legal requirements with her. Just in a general, part of his job way.

So we'll see next week where we go from here.

@Ihatebullies2022

There are currently some very big boys at school but they are now DS's minders.

I had to take him in today as he was too scared to go on his own. His teacher was in a meeting with the head and some other staff I don't know. They were discussing the situation and what they were going to do. So I'm waiting to hear back.

In the meantime the head had arranged for two older boys who are currently working at the school (work experience?) to stay with him at break times until they have a plan.

This is outrageous! To have 2 older boys 'police' the situation in break times?! WTH? They should remove the problem kid until things are sorted and there would be no need to involve the older kids.

This is all very wrong. Why do schools constantly pander to the 'bully'?! Rather than remove the problem kid, they constantly use sticking plasters that never work.

Personally, I'd be involving the police as the school have so far been shockingly ineffective.