To ask my parents about their money?

[parentsfuture]

You often read about the “bank of mum and dad”, but that’s something I’ve never been fortunate to experience. Unlike all of my friends (as far as I am aware), they’ve never been able to financially support me. I’ve had jobs since I was 15, and if I wanted or needed anything I had to pay for it myself as my parents simply couldn’t afford to. I had to pay for my piano lessons myself in the last few years as they struggled. (They did provide food and I didn’t have to pay rent though). I moved out when I turned 19 to go to university. From time to time I’d have to give them money, nothing huge just £5-£20 every now and again, but still a lot for a teenager in school. Absolutely nothing wrong with the above, just giving background.

In my late teens my parents nearly lost our home by defaulting on mortgage payments. My parents worked, but my dad was made redundant and was only able to pick up jobs every now and again. I have two younger siblings who were in school at this time. I’m 30 now, so this was all around the crash in between 07-09. In the end they managed to sell our house and downsize to smaller home in cash over an hour away from where we live.

They do work but on very low incomes - I don’t know if it’s this or just that they just seem to be awful with money management, or both. One of my grandparents regularly gives them money every month - they are a pensioner themselves. And there have been times I’ve had to help them out with money too.

I struggle to understand where the money goes if they don’t have a mortgage or children to look after. It’s definitely not gambling, they don’t drink or smoke. I know they must send money to family abroad from time to time, but I can’t imagine it being such a huge amount that they’d continue to struggle themselves and put my grandparent under pressure with?

I’m worried about their future, their pensions (if they even have any, I imagine it will be state only) and just what their expectations are. They are now 60 so still a few years away from being able to claim their pensions.

My mum mentions how she wants to retire soon but I don’t think there has been any detailed thought process around this. I have my own family to support and look after too, and my siblings also are not great with their money. I am starting to worry theres going to be an expectation of me as the eldest and “naturally responsible” child that I will be something they can continue to fall back on and be there to help them always. Of course if they ever needed real help I would, but I can’t do this always.

AIBU to sit them down and ask them about their finances and what their plans are for the future as a concerned child? I feel awful for my grandparent who only gets a state pension but is giving them a significant amount of this every month as they also worry! Or is it none of my business and should I just leave it until they ask for more money again?

AIBU = none of your business
AINBU = try and have a chat if concerned

I have a similar worry with my parents although their financial circumstances are different, middle incomes so never in poverty and not quite retired yet. They also suffered during the crash and almost lost the family home. I recall having to lend money due to cash flow issues although it was always paid back promptly. The money was never for necessities however it was always for the luxuries, wine etc. At the start of the pandemic there was a concern over my fathers job and the prospect that he might not be paid for months. My mother at that point was acting like they were a bit screwed and said they would just put things on a credit card, no thought to actually seeking to curtail their massive outgoings. My brother and I had much discussion at the time and we agreed no hand outs until they could show that they had drastically taken steps to help themselves. I couldn’t justify giving them money when they had two cars, expensive food shopping, the most up to date house gadgets and all the various subscriptions, big 5 bed house heated to the max all day.

So my advice is not to intervene unless they truly are doing all they can to help themselves.

OP,

You sound lovely.

However lovely you think your parents are they are stressing out and leaning on a pensioner for money.

THAT is neither good nor kind.

It is very wrong.

Is the pensioner going without to give your parents money?

Who does that.

I think the pensioner needs protecting from them.

I think you need to look after your children better than you were looked after.

Put your own children first.

I would be very unhappy to see my grandparents exploited like this.

They are being taken advantage of.
I would be speaking to them on that basis.

@Calmamongthechaos

I have a similar worry with my parents although their financial circumstances are different, middle incomes so never in poverty and not quite retired yet. They also suffered during the crash and almost lost the family home. I recall having to lend money due to cash flow issues although it was always paid back promptly. The money was never for necessities however it was always for the luxuries, wine etc. At the start of the pandemic there was a concern over my fathers job and the prospect that he might not be paid for months. My mother at that point was acting like they were a bit screwed and said they would just put things on a credit card, no thought to actually seeking to curtail their massive outgoings. My brother and I had much discussion at the time and we agreed no hand outs until they could show that they had drastically taken steps to help themselves. I couldn’t justify giving them money when they had two cars, expensive food shopping, the most up to date house gadgets and all the various subscriptions, big 5 bed house heated to the max all day.

So my advice is not to intervene unless they truly are doing all they can to help themselves.

Thank you for sharing. Did you find they took action themselves in the end?

I must admit my parents barely shop for clothes for themselves - if they do it’s through charity shops or sales. Or if it’s shoes etc it’s good quality so they last. They aren’t even shopping or living luxuriously at all!

Hi OP, it seems to me to depend very much on the character of your relationship with your parents. If you're close enough, I'd definitely sit them down and make a complete list of outgoings and income, in the name of establishing what is possible in terms of early retirement. But only if your relationship allows for it.

It's interesting how diverse responses on this thread are. A reminder that it's not just about cultural differences at the country level, but also about class and family cultures. So it's really your call.

@billy1966

OP,

You sound lovely.

However lovely you think your parents are they are stressing out and leaning on a pensioner for money.

THAT is neither good nor kind.

It is very wrong.

Is the pensioner going without to give your parents money?

Who does that.

I think the pensioner needs protecting from them.

I think you need to look after your children better than you were looked after.

Put your own children first.

I would be very unhappy to see my grandparents exploited like this.

They are being taken advantage of.
I would be speaking to them on that basis.

My grandparent isn’t going without - they don’t need much but they are very well taken care of by kids and grandchildren. My parents would take them out and about and help them practically going to the shops or on day trips. I wouldn’t class them as a vulnerable pensioner - very much present and capable, but just concerned for my parents. I have told them to stop giving them money - or at least asking them what it’s for.

@ThreeLocusts

Hi OP, it seems to me to depend very much on the character of your relationship with your parents. If you're close enough, I'd definitely sit them down and make a complete list of outgoings and income, in the name of establishing what is possible in terms of early retirement. But only if your relationship allows for it.

It's interesting how diverse responses on this thread are. A reminder that it's not just about cultural differences at the country level, but also about class and family cultures. So it's really your call.

Thank you - yes its definitely interesting to see the different approaches and as you say, dependent on their character. It has definitely been useful though to gather thoughts and opinions form others.

I think I’ll have an informal and uncomfortable chat with them - even just on behalf of my grandparent as I don’t think they’d want to say anything about their concern but at least I can express that for them.

That sounds a good plan. You can then maybe suggest that they both get state pension forecasts to ensure that they're both on track for full pensions.

I think if you only have the basic state pensions, then other benefits are available to help with things like council tax and dental treatment. The CAB will be able to advise them on that. You could also suggest that they do a monthly budget of their fixed outgoings and anticipated costs of food, etc. to see how things stack up.

You're absolutely right to be concerned though. We're pensioners on a fixed income but do have various buffers in place and we're getting concerned about the cost of living increases coming down the line. Anything you can to to prepare them for the realities of life on a fixed income would be very helpful. They're very lucky to have such a caring child - I hope your chat with them goes well.

I originally voted YANBU but after reading the comments on here I’m going to change my vote.

You getting involved in the conversations will make you part of the problem/solution

As other posters have said advise them to get pension forecasts etc then for them see a financial advisor. Let the FA have the conversation with them about their income

Sounds like when they are 67 and get their state pension they will also be eligible for Pension Credit. Read up on it and tell them about it. If they get it they also get free TV licence and help with paying council tax.

As soon as you said they were sending money abroad, I thought: that's the problem.

Having been married to a man who originated from a poorer country, i know the pressure they must be under to send money to people who very often don't work themselves but think money grows on trees in the UK. You are expected to send money without question and without gratitude because you are deemed to be loaded merely by the action of living in the UK. If you refuse or complain, then you are mean, spiteful and tight.

Requests are constantly sent for money and for gifts like the latest iphone for cousin Johnny and branded trainers.

It's shit.

I wouldn't specifically open up the subject - but the very next time they mention retiring I would. I think you need to make clear that you can't continue to help them (as otherwise they'll continue to give/send money abroad and you'll suffer for it). They need to understand that if they give money away it won't come from anywhere else. It's definitely a conversation you need to have but you need to be firm about not providing for them - it's also pretty shocking they are taking money from a pensioner unless they have ample funds.

Same childhood. DM.is 80 and only has state pension. Mortgage paid, not smoker, drinker or driver. She says shes never been so well off and actually has savings now.

@THisbackwithavengeance

As soon as you said they were sending money abroad, I thought: that's the problem.

Having been married to a man who originated from a poorer country, i know the pressure they must be under to send money to people who very often don't work themselves but think money grows on trees in the UK. You are expected to send money without question and without gratitude because you are deemed to be loaded merely by the action of living in the UK. If you refuse or complain, then you are mean, spiteful and tight.

Requests are constantly sent for money and for gifts like the latest iphone for cousin Johnny and branded trainers.

It's shit.

Oh I’m sorry to hear this. I can appreciate how this can easily happen and the perspective on living in the U.K. too. It fortunately has never been the case with our family as they have usually been ok - it’s only been the odd time in true emergencies. For example, my cousin who is autistic and an only child lost both his parents, so my other aunt had to give up working to care for him (no social support systems for SEN). After this she was struggling with different health issues, so that’s when we were able to help her get the medical treatments she needed etc. It’s never been the case for luxuries or even just day to day things. They are all getting older there too without partners or families of their own to help them, though they all live together or just beside each other which does help. It’s times like these I feel fortunate to be able to help them as I can afford to - but I really do need to find out what my parents role is in this if any it seems as they cannot afford to.

I think you should ask them if they may have expectations of you.

I would definitely raise it. We are now having to cover PIL to some degree and I am frustrated that DH and siblings didn't address it with them sooner. My DParents are the opposite and consciously make decisions to ensure they are comfortable in retirement and it infuriates me that my PIL consider them 'lucky' whilst I work full time to pay for PIL to have a standard of living they can't afford alone