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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH isn’t fair to DD?

42 replies

ClimbingFraney · 21/02/2022 20:26

My DD is a really sensitive soul. Also very articulate and bright. Along with that, she can become argumentative at times and question authority. DH has a military background, and so did his dad.

For context, FIL is someone who will argue black is white and always knows better than everybody else. In my opinion, this has given DH a bit of a complex. Hardly surprising as he spent his childhood constantly being corrected and argued with. Even now, visiting the in-laws can be pretty unpleasant because they all just seem to enjoy arguing the toss.

My family life wasn’t great growing up. My mum was very narcissistic so I just grew up in a very unpleasant environment and all I want is to give my children a calm and happy home.

At times, I feel as though DH will be unreasonable to our eldest. For instance, if she is doing something that for some reason he doesn’t want to do. If he asks her to stop and she politely asks him why, it’ll he “because I told you to!!” DD will then get defensive because she feels like daddy is ruining her game or whatever activity she is doing and he hasn’t even given her a reason. DH feels as though she shouldn’t question him. I personally think she should be able to question anything as long as she does so politely and that she is entitled to an explanation. I feel like I can see this treatment of DD having a negative impact on her and it’s making her become more argumentative, particularly with DH.

I tried to talk to DH about it tonight and he said “her bad behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with me. It’s completely on her.” I disagree. She’s 8 and she’s a product of her environment. We need to both do our best to give her the best environment to grow up in. I feel like my kids are becoming more and more argumentative and my gut feeling is that it’s because of the way DH communicates with them at times.

He’s also prone to speaking over them when they try to express their points of view. Tonight I tried to mediate between him and DD when they’d had another argument and he was just being way too hard on her so I said “we all need to just calm down and talk”. He said this was extremely patronising for him and I completely understand that, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to interfere but I also don’t want my DD to suffer because my husband is behaving in a way that I personally don’t feel is entirely fair.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Piggyk2 · 21/02/2022 20:30

Why is your DH arguing with an 8 year old?. He's bang out of line children are entitled to a reason because they need to understand the reasoning for being told off.

I couldn't cope with someone like that TBH. He would be out.

OneTiredMam · 21/02/2022 20:31

I would leave him. This is going to leave your children with big issues as adults.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 20:33

Your husband is a controlling bully. Tell him if he keeps that shit up, he'll see exactly how far that will get him. He'll end up with children who don't like or respect him, because he has never shown respect for them. What a tit.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/02/2022 20:33

Yanbu

He sounds like a horrible bully

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2022 20:33

His family is not the military - there is no hierarchy where what he says goes and everyone falls in line. She did not sign up for that.

Yes he is a parent and he gets to have say in the rules but not to the extent where simply his word is law

But yes I couldnt cope with that either

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 20:34

Remind him his age. And that it isn't 8.

Original poster
ClimbingFraney · 21/02/2022 20:35

Tonight’s “argument” was because she hadn’t listened to him when he had asked her to untie something. (She was building some sort of zip line for her toys which involved using a door handle). She wouldn’t do what she was told and started crying and going a bit mad as he tried to untie it when she wouldn’t. He then went upstairs. This happened whilst I was out. When I came home, I was encouraged her to come upstairs and resolve it with her dad. It’s then that he was talking to her in a really angry tone. She was being completely calm at this point. I just made a blanket statement of “we all need to just stay calm” or something like that. We all knew it was aimed at him though.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 21/02/2022 20:36

Your poor DD, he's smashing her self-esteem every single day.

Topseyt · 21/02/2022 20:36

I agree that it is usually a good idea to explain reasons, and I usually did. I will admit though that I also used "because I said so" sometimes, when they had been pushing all of my wrong buttons. It was a conversation stopper when they had tested my boundaries to the limit.

Original poster
ClimbingFraney · 21/02/2022 20:37

First thing I asked DD when I got home is, did daddy explain to you why it needed untied. The answer was no. Surprise surprise!!

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 21/02/2022 20:39

You're husband is bring massively unreasonable arguing with an 8 year old. If she's not harming anyone why won't he let her play her games without him having to constantly assert his authority. Its pretty disturbing behaviour tbh.

Ludo19 · 21/02/2022 20:40

Your*

Notonetojudge · 21/02/2022 20:46

You’re going to have plenty of people advising you to LTB. This is obviously an option but I suspect it feels too early for you at the moment.

However… your children are young, and this WILL NOT GO AWAY ON ITS OWN. You won’t be able to correct his behaviour or prevent the affect it will have. Your daughter will start to moderate her behaviour because it’s not ‘acceptable’, or she won’t and will be punished. This is not fair, and may well affect her for life.

My suggestion is to seek family counselling ASAP. If your DH insists it’s unnecessary or over the top, it’s then up to you to protect their impressionable young personas.
With experience, I’d have left earlier.

WonderfulYou · 21/02/2022 20:54

Your husband should not be arguing with an 8 year old but likewise an 8 year old should not be arguing with their parent.

I try and explain why I’m asking my child to do something but sometimes it’s irrelevant - if I’ve asked you to go to bed I don’t need to spend time explaining why.

Your DH sounds too strict but your 8 year old sounds too argumentative.

I wonder if you’re so worried about turning into your mother that you are letting your DD get away with things and being too soft on her.
It sounds like it’s very you and her vs him.

There’s got to be a compromise here.
I think you need to be a team and both be on the same page with parenting else you’re going to have this her whole life and she’ll be stuck in the middle.

Whybot · 21/02/2022 21:16

Parenting courses can be fun and very helpful for both of you. You could do one by yourself if he won't go . Kids also get the message you are trying to be good parents even when you make mistakes.My kid thought it was "nice" I was doing this course.You meet other parents locally and get loads of head starts on what happens a few years from now.
Good luck , you are right to know this is not acceptable or respectful to her.

ChocolateMassacre · 21/02/2022 21:25

@ClimbingFraney

Tonight’s “argument” was because she hadn’t listened to him when he had asked her to untie something. (She was building some sort of zip line for her toys which involved using a door handle). She wouldn’t do what she was told and started crying and going a bit mad as he tried to untie it when she wouldn’t. He then went upstairs. This happened whilst I was out. When I came home, I was encouraged her to come upstairs and resolve it with her dad. It’s then that he was talking to her in a really angry tone. She was being completely calm at this point. I just made a blanket statement of “we all need to just stay calm” or something like that. We all knew it was aimed at him though.
If he thought the zip line needed to be moved, why didn't he help her to find something else to tie it to? Or did he just not think her game was important at all?

Remind him that children learn best through playing. Yes, there have to be boundaries and they shouldn't trash the house, but I'm afraid he sounds like a bully. You do need to sort this out because there may come a point where your DD doesn't do these things anymore (build ziplines, make forts using the sofa cushions, build dens out of sheets and boxes etc.) because she's scared of what the reaction from him will be if she steps out of line or makes a mess.

HelloPanda12 · 21/02/2022 21:32

Seems he has a major attitude towards her. Whether she has an attitude or not, she’s 8 years old and without him reasonably handling things like this and explaining to her the reasons he’s asking her to do things she’s just going to grow to resent him and see him as the miserable parent that she feels she can’t speak to because he will not communicate with her. She needs to be taught and not punished with a bad attitude from your husband. If she’s doing something she’s already been asked not to do and already knows she should not be doing then it’s a slightly different story but he’s lashed out and stomped up the stairs over her playing and using her imagination which for some strange reason has pissed him off. He sounds like he’s of a similar mental age to her to be honest.

NewtoHolland · 21/02/2022 21:39

Get him to watch some Facebook stuff on transactional analysis...he might identify with the critical parent role and learn a bit from it.

L0stinCyberspace · 21/02/2022 22:04

"Because I said so" is absolutely fine for a parent to say and I disagree with the "no hierarchy" opinion about parenting. But being courteous works both ways and it sounds like your DH needs to model emotional regulation and calmness in his interactions with DD, it would help her grow emotionally and diffuse the arguments too. Being unfairly authoritarian with a strong willed child can backfire...

LittleOwl153 · 21/02/2022 22:05

At first I thought you were describing my DH with my eldest (12) but then it continued to the tying on door handles - and I thought no thats my 8yr old....

I think it is partly her age - it will get worse (when hormones kick in) from my experience before it gets better. And partly as they have just decided to lock horns. Your DH clearly needs to back off - but DD should not be expected to stop questioning and defending her point of veiw. Neither should be shouting though.

billy1966 · 21/02/2022 22:08

OP,

You are absolutely right to take this very seriously.

He is bullying her and this will not resolve itself.

It will only get worse.

She will become a teen and act out and rebel.

She will actively seek to be out of the house as much as possible.

Her unhappiness at home will make her vulnerable and seek affirmation outside the home.

In other words a shit show.

Certainly not the happy calm home you would obviously like.

Parenting classes.
Family therapy.
Some good reading etc.

Investigate them all.

He is doing untold damage to her.

She will grow to loathe him, her home and she will blame you for not protecting her more.

A very dear childhood friend of mine who was my neighbour, had a father who was a Colonel, and liked to be called it too.

He was a dictatorial PITA and he has 3 children that live as far away as is possible...as in literally the other side of the world, because of the way he was.

Step in now, firmly.Flowers

Googlecanthelpme · 21/02/2022 22:14

Your husband is trying to teach your daughter that she mustn’t question a man, that she must conform and accept what she is told, not to advocate for herself nor set her own boundaries.

There is not a chance in hell I’d let my daughter grow up with this overbearing influence.

Sounds like your DH has a lot of unresolved issues around his childhood that are spilling over into his parenting - id be asking him to attending couples counselling or family counselling to try and iron this out or I’d be seriously thinking about a separation.

sachaf08 · 21/02/2022 22:46

I grew up with a parent constantly telling me to ‘stop being cheeky’ and ‘answering back’ whenever I said anything that they disagreed with or questioned anything at all. Tbh it had a very negative impact on me, it wasn’t until I was around 15/16 that I realised what was happening and was able to call it out and actually stand up for my myself.

I think it made me feel like I was a bad person for a long time, that there was something inherently bad about my behaviour, when in reality I was a total wimp and very well behaved 99% of the time! It may be that your daughter is more self aware than I was, but I think most children accept their parent as an authority and take most of what they say to be ‘correct’, so this could really affect your daughter long term if you allow it to continue.

Good luck OP, this must be a really difficult situation for you and I really feel for you.

newnameforthis76 · 22/02/2022 00:38

Some kids are overly confrontational and argumentative, and I think there are situations where ‘because I said so’ would be an acceptable final say on a matter … but it doesn’t really sound like your DD is being difficult or naughty at all! It sounds like she just genuinely doesn’t know why he’s stopping her fun, and he needs to explain to her because he is a bloody adult and she’s 8. The example you gave about tying something to a door handle - all he needed to say was ‘You can’t tie that to the door handle because it will be in the way / pull the handle off / trip someone - why don’t you try tying it to [somewhere less awkward in the house] instead?’ and all the drama could have been avoided. He’s being a dick - she’s his daughter, not a squaddie.

If he can’t instil any discipline without shouting her instead of having a firm but reasonable conversation, he is the weak one here.

Breastfeedingworries · 22/02/2022 03:32

How are things op? Do you feel better about it all now?

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