Page 2 | To think that DH isn’t fair to DD?

PeacefulPrune · 22/02/2022 03:37

Please don't be an enabler

Holly60 · 22/02/2022 03:59

Could you find some good parenting guides for him to look at? You could sell it as you both reading them to find ways to navigate parenting a girl going into teenage hood. Then it’s not you telling him, and he might respond better. Also counselling is a good idea

hattie43 · 22/02/2022 04:53

I grew up with a similar father . We are now estranged.

Original poster

ClimbingFraney · 22/02/2022 05:42

@Breastfeedingworries things aren’t great today. I tried to discuss it all with DH and he got very defensive and slept on the sofa.

I will always stick up for my kids. That’s my job as their mum. His “strategies” are not good for him or them. He needs to find new ways of communicating with them but he’s of the attitude “why should I have to”. He thinks they should just listen to him and do what he says.

He can also be very kind to them and supportive. I just feel like so many situations end up escalating so quickly because of how he handles things. He gets upset with me for acting as if I know best. I don’t want to be condescending to him, but at the same time, I work with children and I also spend time researching ways to better support my kids whenever I find they are struggling or maybe I’m struggling to parent certain behaviours. His ethos is that he shouldn’t have to do any of that and they should just take what he says as gospel and do as they’re told.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/02/2022 05:57

He is continuing the cycle of damage that his parents did to him. And he needs therapy to help him stop. But if he won't even recognise it I'm not sure what to suggest.

Please explain this to him and tell him that you will leave him to protect your daughter growing up in such an unhealthy environment if you need to.

zoemum2006 · 22/02/2022 05:59

This was my childhood. I’m a sensitive bookish type and my dad was ex-military. I lived in a “if I say jump you say how high” kind of environment.

I wasn’t argumentative though. I just stayed out of his way and I didn’t like him very much (he’s much mellower now and dotes on his grandkids).

Reading your post though has made me that childhood stress. It was a very unpleasant experience for me (not that he was a bad man - his parenting style just really didn’t suit me).

Please try to explain to your husband that he’s not wrong in his expectations but they conflict with your daughters needs. If he’s happy being avoided and disliked then carry on but if he wants a positive relationship with her he’s going to need to adapt his style.

Canhearthemice · 22/02/2022 06:27

Leaving him isn't the answer as there is every chance that he will have 50:50 custody and then you will have very little influence.

You need to find ways to get him to acknowledge his technique doesn't work. This will just get worse. The best thing to do is talk about it when everything is calm. Find a parenting course or find some videos to watch together.

Ask him to just try new techniques for a month to see if he gets better results. He is the adult, HE needs to moderate his behaviour. Is he able to acknowledge that different management styles will illicit different results from employees?

Good luck, hope you are able to get him to see sense.

OfstedOffred · 22/02/2022 07:32

Mostly hibu however I do think children need to learn a few manners at this age. Children who continually answer back/argue with adults over everything tend to come in for a struggle in the early years of secondary. Plenty of teachers don't have the time to explain every single school rule, and will expect pupils to follow them without constant question.

OfstedOffred · 22/02/2022 07:35

His approach isnt right but he is not wrong that they should do as they are told.

Obedience is out of fashion but actually, children are not adults. Adults are in charge for a reason - there are lots of situations where children are safer if they can do as they are told quickly and save questions for later.

Theres a balance between respecting the child but also the child respecting the parent.

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/02/2022 07:39

If he carries on like this you'll end up with a anxious teenager with no self confidence or self esteem who hates her dad and will be vulnerable to getting into a relationship when she's older with an abusive man.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 08:35

@thenewduchessoflapland

If he carries on like this you'll end up with a anxious teenager with no self confidence or self esteem who hates her dad and will be vulnerable to getting into a relationship when she's older with an abusive man.

This is so often the outcome.

Girls learn about men first from their father.

What is she learning from him?

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 08:37

You also sound a bit bullied by him.

If you find him hard work, how do you think your child feels?

BogRollBOGOF · 22/02/2022 08:49

If you give a child a reason at the first instruction, it means that the window for arguing is greatly diminished.

So "please don't use that door handle for a zip line, it's a trip hazard. Why don't you try it in your bedroom" solves the actual issue and means that most children would co-operate at first time of asking.

SasquatchYeti · 22/02/2022 08:57

@ClimbingFraney

My DD is a really sensitive soul. Also very articulate and bright. Along with that, she can become argumentative at times and question authority. DH has a military background, and so did his dad.

For context, FIL is someone who will argue black is white and always knows better than everybody else. In my opinion, this has given DH a bit of a complex. Hardly surprising as he spent his childhood constantly being corrected and argued with. Even now, visiting the in-laws can be pretty unpleasant because they all just seem to enjoy arguing the toss.

My family life wasn’t great growing up. My mum was very narcissistic so I just grew up in a very unpleasant environment and all I want is to give my children a calm and happy home.

At times, I feel as though DH will be unreasonable to our eldest. For instance, if she is doing something that for some reason he doesn’t want to do. If he asks her to stop and she politely asks him why, it’ll he “because I told you to!!” DD will then get defensive because she feels like daddy is ruining her game or whatever activity she is doing and he hasn’t even given her a reason. DH feels as though she shouldn’t question him. I personally think she should be able to question anything as long as she does so politely and that she is entitled to an explanation. I feel like I can see this treatment of DD having a negative impact on her and it’s making her become more argumentative, particularly with DH.

I tried to talk to DH about it tonight and he said “her bad behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with me. It’s completely on her.” I disagree. She’s 8 and she’s a product of her environment. We need to both do our best to give her the best environment to grow up in. I feel like my kids are becoming more and more argumentative and my gut feeling is that it’s because of the way DH communicates with them at times.

He’s also prone to speaking over them when they try to express their points of view. Tonight I tried to mediate between him and DD when they’d had another argument and he was just being way too hard on her so I said “we all need to just calm down and talk”. He said this was extremely patronising for him and I completely understand that, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to interfere but I also don’t want my DD to suffer because my husband is behaving in a way that I personally don’t feel is entirely fair.

Aibu?

You expect your DH to explain the reasoning behind him asking your DD to do anything at all? That sounds very exhausting tbh. Yabu, both of you and need to find a middle ground.

Your daughter is 8 and the way their relationship is going, it won’t end well. You’re not helping either. You need to allow them to build a relationship, instead of you always being their to ‘mediate’. A walk together, a meal, etc.

SasquatchYeti · 22/02/2022 08:58

@OfstedOffred

His approach isnt right but he is not wrong that they should do as they are told.

Obedience is out of fashion but actually, children are not adults. Adults are in charge for a reason - there are lots of situations where children are safer if they can do as they are told quickly and save questions for later.

Theres a balance between respecting the child but also the child respecting the parent.

This!

KindredKeely · 22/02/2022 09:13

He sounds like he doesn't think he needs to talk to her respectfully or politely simply "because" he's the parent.

Doesn't he understand what being a role model is?
Would he talk to a stranger the way he's talking to his own child?

He sounds like a controlling bully and his reactions are way over the top.

It would be different if she were doing something destructive, being cheeky or whatever, but what you're describing is a child that is being bullied and pushed around by her own father. this is all going to explode when she's hitting puberty in a few years.

would your husband even listen if you pointed out how damaging his model of parenting is and would he even be open to going on a parenting course?

honestly, i'd have a sit down conversation. get DD out of the house for an hour. turn off the phones and TV and explain you don't want to parent like this so he'll need to find a way forward with you, and it might involve a middle ground.

i bet he'll resist it and you're going to have years of fighting with your own DH on how to treat your own children properly; i can't imagine the next few years will be particularly happy and your DC will move out as quickly as they can to escape. seen it happen over and over - same dynamics.

Breastfeedingworries · 23/02/2022 07:57

[quote ClimbingFraney]@Breastfeedingworries things aren’t great today. I tried to discuss it all with DH and he got very defensive and slept on the sofa.

I will always stick up for my kids. That’s my job as their mum. His “strategies” are not good for him or them. He needs to find new ways of communicating with them but he’s of the attitude “why should I have to”. He thinks they should just listen to him and do what he says.

He can also be very kind to them and supportive. I just feel like so many situations end up escalating so quickly because of how he handles things. He gets upset with me for acting as if I know best. I don’t want to be condescending to him, but at the same time, I work with children and I also spend time researching ways to better support my kids whenever I find they are struggling or maybe I’m struggling to parent certain behaviours. His ethos is that he shouldn’t have to do any of that and they should just take what he says as gospel and do as they’re told. [/quote]
How are things now?

I agree with other posters that say the way he say things are important. Giving reasons helps children. My dd will ask why and she’s 3 it’s their inquisitive questioning nature. How they learn. She might be confused if he’s just saying because I said slow as it stops a learning opportunity, that school properly handle differently. Then she’s frustrated and might think he’s just being mean.

My brother sounds similar with his children. It’s such a shame and I don’t think they miss or their mum at all when they stay with family and they’re only 6,4,3 so small children he rules over like a dictator without joy.