Year 12 DS showing no interest in university or life beyond school

[walkingoneggshell]

Prior to sixth from he wanted to go to university had an idea of the course he wanted to do. Since he’s started A’levels he seems to be showing less and less interest in life beyond next week let alone what to do when he leaves school. When I try to get him to think about it, he’s not at all keen to engage. It’s making me anxious as I don’t want him to get a few months down the line and have not done everything he needs to do to apply to a specific course if university is the route he chooses. Likewise I don’t want him leaving school with no plans at all. I know he’s young etc but surely he should be thinking about this by now. I need wise words of wisdom.

@walkingoneggshell has he withdrawn in other aspects of life? Or purely just school?

Relax. Yes it would be good if he knew what his next steps should be but if he doesn't, and thinking about it is too much or doesn't help then leave it for now. What's important is that he is doing what he needs to do for his A levels. It may be that he stats to focus more on the future in Y13, or it may be that he needs to get his A levels out of the way then take a breath. But it's not a race. If he needs a gap year or decides uni isnt for him right now, then so be it. As long as he's not envisaging sitting on his bum being supported by you indefinitely he has time to mull things over.

Have a look for some careers fairs/ uni fairs/ apprenticeship fairs. So he can see what’s out there.
And as others say it’s not a race. So many go to uni because everyone else does, drop out or suffer mental health issues.

@Sarahlou25r no he seems happy. He’s got a good group of friends, a part time job and he’s doing ok at school (could be doing more but that’s nothing new).

In year twelve the absolute horror of having to make decisions that define you're entire life / career (it feels like!) is the most stressful thing I remember from teenage years. My sister felt the same, similar to your DC she didn't make any decisions until mid year 13, it worked out fine! It's busy, stressful and a pain to make those decisions.

Genuinely just keep the conversation open (don't apply pressure) and he'll make it through. If he ends up taking a gap year and working whilst he figures it out, or finds inspiration next week and applies to a course, surely it's all okay?

If he doesnt apply to university in time for this year he can always apply later if thats what he wants to do. Give the cost of university these days it wouldn't be a good idea to apply and go if its not really what he wants. He still has plenty of time to work out what he wants to do, I'm starting an apprenticeship paid for by my work place next month, I'm 39!

After the last couple of years, more pressure is not what he needs right now. I dropped out of my A levels as I realised that they weren't going to take me anywhere and I wasn't enjoying them. I think the difference between GCSEs (just winging it and doing really well anyway) and A levels (constant trudging through treacle in learning terms) was just too great for me. I left at the end of Lower Sixth, got a job in a local supermarket over the summer and by October had signed up for a course at the local college. Eventually, in my own time and now clear on my goals, I went to Uni. I have a great job that I still enjoy. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, as long as he's coping ok mentally then the rest will work out the way its meant to. It might not be the way that you envisaged, but thats ok too. Breathe OP and just be supportive and try to find out how he's really doing at school and how he's really feeling xx

Sorry, some bits you answered as I was writing above!

Please remember that the last 2 years of covid lockdowns, online teaching, isolation etc have had a huge impact on young people - they've missed rights of passage (Y11 prom, getting part time jobs, building their own, independent social lives etc).
Many are emotionally less mature than usual in young adults of their age, they've lost confidence in themselves & their abilities and haven't had their peers around them to encourage them to be more adventurous/ ambitious.

Give your teen a break - maybe a year or two out after school will be beneficial to them.

I initially read as Y12 and wondered what your problem was 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I've a Y11 and she's struggling. She's chosen a path but I think that she's only chosen it to please us. The last few years have been shit and I think we need to remember that when we were that age loads of people didn't know and went from one thing to another until they did find a path.

My year 12 child was like that. Didn't know what he wanted to do, couldn't be bothered looking into anything. Even for the first half term of year 13 he was clueless, but he hit November and suddenly mentioned a course he "might be" interested in, went to an online open day then one in person and that was it, booked a few more, got on with his Ucas application and managed to get it in on the deadline. Has accepted an offer, which I could not have predicted at all at the beginning of the academic year. I'm not sure he's actually revising but we'll see what happens when the results come in

In year 11 he knew which course he wanted to do and chose A’levels accordingly (luckily he could access lots of different degrees with them as well). Now, he really doesn’t seem too sure. He says he probably wants to go to university but has no idea what he’d do if he doesn’t and doesn’t want to discuss it al all.

That’s interesting @HelloKeith. My ds has always been someone who leaves things to the last minute then invariably pulls it out of the bag, by which time I’m a nervous wreck.

I've got one of these. He's always known his own self very clearly so I'm advising and nudging gently but mostly being the backstop and dreams cheerleader that he's entitled to have me be

Ds was the same, then packed up on his A levels in Y13. He is working as a Social Media Manager for a candidate in the Metropolitan Mayoral elections, should she be elected he will be earning £30k. He loves politics, is doing a brilliant job & is happy. A degree isn't the only way to get on in life, there are other ways.

I dont understand the mumsnet obsession of university being the only way to progress in life.

Tell him that whatever he decides, he absolutely wont be lounging around at home doing fuck all. That should concentrate the mind somewhat.

it will do him no harm at all to leave school, and get a crappy job until he has some better plan. Then if it includes university application, he already had his A level grades; is a little bit more mature, and might have saved up a bit of money.

Yes I probably need to get my head around university not being the be all and end all. It’s just something I always assumed he’d do. He’s always been naturally really clever and it’s seemed the obvious route.

Most schools tend to start getting yr 12 to apply in the late summer term, after the external exams. There's usually a big push then for kids to just apply to uni, even if they're not sure, cos it's easier than changing your mind the other way.

Of course, there are always the ones frantically writing their personal statements minutes before the deadline. Or better still, handing you a paragraph to check with "I don't know what else to write" , which translates as:"do it for me, I cba."

I dunno how things will work out, but have to say DS wasn't much engaged at this point in yr12, either. Now yr13 & We're doing offer days. Sometimes it all comes together when you least expect.

My Year 13 still has no clue what he wants to do next. You know what? That's ok - much better that he takes a year out and works out what he wants to do than jumping into what he (or other people) think he should do. (He has a part time job in retail he could up his hours in if nothing else). They have an awful lot of their lives ahead of them, they don't have to make a decision straight away if they don't want to.

My youngest got all As at GCSE but went down hill during A levels, not interested, trouble with one teacher who just didn't seem to like him, some health problems which required hospital tests that were stressful, just didn't know what he wanted other than he didn't want to go to uni like his brothers and he got really poor results. Did a few jobs, last one was in a DWP call centre. That was the one that did it😂 he got himself on an access to higher education course and went to uni in his early 20s now a nurse. Unfortunately, 16-17 year olds often don't really know what they want to do and some take longer to decide. Happy, healthy and safe is all that matters at that age the rest can happen at any time.

Personally I don't get this obsession with going to uni. I know it can be a great experience but I know young people in their late twenties earning £100k/year and never been uni. I also know young people in their early thirties that have just finished paying off their student loan and they're in jobs nothing related to their degree.
I'm one of those that retired early everything paid for and never saw the inside of a uni.

Mine is the same but year 13. Not applied to uni, which is fine, but also no idea what he's going to do after. I can't afford to support him, which I've been clear about. He's losing interest in his a levels and says he needs a break from education.

Don't think COVID has helped tbf. His experience of A levels and my older DC's have been worlds apart