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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to friend about hygiene but how

29 replies

Lastqueenofscotland · 21/02/2022 15:21

I’ve got a good friend (for context on the below not elderly and no additional needs) who I’ve known a long while. She’s never been houseproud (understatement…) but she’s always been very proud in her appearance.
The last year or so she’s really stopped caring. I’m not talking like not nice hair and makeup, I’m talking meeting us for drinks in obviously dirty clothes, bad breath, greasy hair and on one occasion she absolutely stank - I’ll sound dramatic here but it made my eyes sting.

I’m worried about her work as she is client/customer facing that it will impact her there.
Myself and a couple of our friends previously have tried to offer assistance with her getting on top of her house but it was not taken well. We’ve not been invited round for ages and wonder if part of why it’s so bad is she’s not able to keep herself properly clean in that space. I really need to say something but I’m worried she’ll take it badly and withdraw from us thinking we are being mean, rather than trying to help! Has anyone been in this situation. And how did you handle it?

OP posts:
HugAHoodie · 21/02/2022 15:23

She sounds unwell.

You need to be direct and honest. With concern, obvs.

Does she have any family?

Littlemissprosecco · 21/02/2022 15:23

Say, “I’m really worried about you, you seem down, are you ok? “

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2022 15:29

I have a colleague who has depression and has no sense of smell following an illness. We work in the NHS and I just couldn't discuss it with her. I was too cowardly. I asked our manager to speak to her.
Thsts what managers are for.

incognitoforthisone · 21/02/2022 15:37

This does sound a lot like a mental health thing to me. You say 'not houseproud (understatement)' - do you mean her house is genuinely squalid and/or that she's a hoarder, rather than just a bit untidy? Has she ever said anything about that? I think you might be right that her house has got to a point where she literally can't bathe or wash/dry clothes properly, either because the bath is full of stuff or because things need fixing/plugholes need unblocking. Or perhaps it's just that the same executive dysfunction that's stopping her from keeping her house in a reasonable state is getting worse and she can't get it together to sort out hygiene either.

I would definitely try to have some sort of conversation with her. I wouldn't actually raise the hygiene thing as such, but I would say 'You know, are you doing OK at the moment? You really haven't seemed like your usual self lately, and none of us have been round to the house for ages. We've been a bit worried about you - is there anything we can do, or should know?'

Original poster
Lastqueenofscotland · 21/02/2022 15:39

Her house is vile. The last time I was there (before Christmas) there were dirty plates in the bath.
However she has ALWAYS been like this. Aside from the hygiene issues she is completely her normal self.

OP posts:
Susu49 · 21/02/2022 15:41

I agree she sounds unwell. It could be long term and has got worse or she may be neuro-atypical which makes it difficult for her to do domestic tasks.

If she has an undiagnosed neurodiverse disorder then it could be significantly contributing to her poor mental health.

Original poster
Lastqueenofscotland · 21/02/2022 15:42

I should add we have offered to help with the house, even do a deep clean while she was away for a week and it’s never well received. But she does know it’s bad.

OP posts:
Susu49 · 21/02/2022 15:43

She's ashamed and embarrassed that's why

Littlemissprosecco · 21/02/2022 15:43

It’s not really about the house at this point, it’s really about how she’s coping with life

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 21/02/2022 15:48

So, she smells like her house? You might be able to address it in that she personally doesn't stink, but she's carrying the funk of her house smell with her.

Her sense of smell may be diminished she's so used to the stink (or she's had covid).

Westerman · 21/02/2022 15:53

It's much better that it comes from you rather than a manager at work. You could approach it that she's changed lately, after being so proud of her appearance and that you're very worried that something else is wrong. And that you love her and only want to help her feel better. Maybe she's feeling that everything is out of her control; if so, you could help her to take back some control, even if it is just little things to start with.
Best of luck. It's good that she has friends who care so much for her.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 21/02/2022 15:57

Apart from the dirty unwashed appearance how does she seem?..has her moods changed (does she seem depressed, is she having highs and lows which aren't normal for how you know her to be)...she may be suffering with her mental health

Then again it could be like another poster has said, her house has got to the point where she can't use her facilities to wash herself and her clothes as often or at all,

Or it could be rising cost of living and energy prices, maybe she can't afford to run her shower and heat her water and run her washing machine and tumble dryer as often as she used to wig energy prices and the cost of living going up,

I don't know how you would approach it with her, it would have to be in a way that doesn't make her defensive or embarrassed (because it may make her withdraw and resist seeking help)

Postdatedpandemic · 21/02/2022 15:58

Like many others I lack the house proud gene but dirty plates in the bath is hardcore. The last couple of years has been pretty disruptive and bad for many people's mental health. February is still cold and dark, anyone with the slightest hint of seasonally affective disorder will be feeling low. Assume she is feeling like shit and avoid making it worse.

Now is probably not the time for awkward conversations or gifts of cheap shower gel. Luxury hair conditioner or talk about a redecorate of one of her rooms (as a birthday pressy or something). Cleaning someone's house when they are away is really invasive.

You know her best but she sounds on her arse, she needs a hand up.

drpet49 · 21/02/2022 16:01

* Her house is vile. The last time I was there (before Christmas) there were dirty plates in the bath. However she has ALWAYS been like this.*

^She needed intervention a long time along. I doubt she’ll listen to anything anyone has to say.

Original poster
Lastqueenofscotland · 21/02/2022 16:01

Her mood is as it always has been. She’s always wanting to arrange to do things!
We offered to do the house and she was moaning that her kitchen was so grim she didn’t know where to start…

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 21/02/2022 16:02

@Susu49

I agree she sounds unwell. It could be long term and has got worse or she may be neuro-atypical which makes it difficult for her to do domestic tasks.

If she has an undiagnosed neurodiverse disorder then it could be significantly contributing to her poor mental health.

I was thinking this. Conditions like ASD and ADHD can make it hard to keep on top of housework and personal hygiene.

It does sound like she might be struggling with depression at the moment. Even if she seems fine emotionally/mentally when you see her, some people are really good at hiding it. My friends have always been shocked when I've opened up about going through a rough patch.

Susu49 · 21/02/2022 16:14

There are cleaning companies that specialise in helping people with mental or physical illnesses sort their houses out when they've got bad.

Some companies only do this but when I was looking for a cleaner I noticed a few offered it as a specialist service. They're non judgemental.

Folklore9074 · 21/02/2022 16:16

@Littlemissprosecco

Say, “I’m really worried about you, you seem down, are you ok? “
Yep this is the best way to broach it. If she has refused your help with the house then she is probably ashamed. This would be a good way to lead into the convo.
Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 16:18

@Lastqueenofscotland

Her mood is as it always has been. She’s always wanting to arrange to do things! We offered to do the house and she was moaning that her kitchen was so grim she didn’t know where to start…
Does she still have water?

If she isn't obviously unwell ( and I appreciate that hoarding/squalor can be a mental illness) would blunt speaking work? We're going to tell you before your manager/colleagues do as it could become an issue for you at work

Does she ever express an opinion about cleanliness/appearance etc?

Eightiesfan · 21/02/2022 16:21

A sudden change in appearance or hygiene points to a more serious issue. If this was a child it would be raised as a safeguarding concern.

Original poster
Lastqueenofscotland · 21/02/2022 16:23

@Nanny0gg
I was worried perhaps she was having some maintenance issues in the property, she’s not let workmen in before as she is embarrassed, meaning maybe the washer wasn’t working or something.

She’s very critical of other peoples appearances!

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 21/02/2022 16:25

This almost always goes hand in hand with depression, especially if out of character.

Abitofalark · 21/02/2022 16:31

When a person rebuffs friends' offers of that kind, I would interpret that as offending their sense of privacy, dignity and self. Strong emotions are bound up in that and friends may incur resentment or even hostility.

They might accept a close family member, such as a sister or mother. But that would depend on the family having some inkling or her telling them she's struggling with the house or with life and the family picking up on that and getting involved.

Other than that, perhaps try to find out if there's any local volunteer set up (listed under local or council services) that offers a service in the neighbourhood for people who need help.

Doanythingforlove · 21/02/2022 16:34

I would do as pp suggested and ask if she is ok. I would not tell her her hygiene is poor. If she didn’t take it well about her house and didn’t want help, she certainly won’t want any comments on her personally.

Ime it makes no difference if someone is told about their hygiene. They just get defensive.

TangfasticsAreFantastic · 21/02/2022 17:05

I would suspect her house situation has become so bad that she can no longer access her bath or washing machine to clean herself or her clothes. She clearly has some problems going on and is probably embarrassed about it.

I think you're just going to have to just ask (nicely of course) if she's OK, explaining you've noticed that she hasn't been taking care of herself as much as she normally does. Offer help again (even if it's just inviting her to stay at yours for a night so she can use your bathroom).

You will have to be prepared, however, for her to not take it well and for it to affect/ruin your friendship, but you're right to say something.

Good luck OP - not an easy conversation to have.