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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to help out a family member?

41 replies

SweatyBetty1234 · 21/02/2022 10:24

My brother is in the process of setting up a new business. He has paid someone to develop a website for him, but basically the person involved has done a rubbish job and the website is not really functional.

My husband does have the skills to develop the website but literally has no time due to currently having two jobs. He currently works all the hours god sends.

My Dad hinted this morning that my husband should be sorting out the website for my brother. I had to tell him that my DH just doesn't have the time. I feel incredibly guilty that we aren't supporting my brother is his hour of need.

I think that my AIBU is whether it is selfish of us not to help.

OP posts:
OkThenJustChill · 21/02/2022 11:21

Did your brother pay the designer that did a bad job? He should hire a different designer to fix the website issues and take it off the rubbish designer's invoice. If they haven't done the job to a good standard then he needs to sort it out with the suppliers. It isn't on your DH to come to the rescue. People often have no appreciation for how long website builds, design work etc can take - your parents may just think it's an afternoon's work, which I assume it isn't. If they bring it up again then I would highlight how long it would take to fix the issues and reiterate that DH doesn't have capacity.

Chestofdraws · 21/02/2022 11:24

Do you not have a good relationship then? Personally I’d help, but not all families support each other when one is struggling.

zingally · 21/02/2022 11:27

Not your problem.

Brother needs to go back to the original designer and say it's not what he paid for.

As for the "hinting" dad... My own dad was big on the hinting things, or saying things like "mum says you should..." What eventually shut him up was replying something like "if mum thinks that, she can use her words and tell me herself." Funnily enough, she never did.

If dad "hints" again that your DP should fix the website, try saying something like "if brother wants DP to take a look at it, he can get in touch with DP and they can discuss pricing. But like I said, DP doesn't have any free time currently."

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2022 11:27

If he absolutely doesn’t have the time to even look at your brother’s issue and suggest a fix, YANBU. If he could find 2 hrs to patiently explain what needs to be fixed and how, then that would probably help your brother move forward.
Ultimately your brother paid for a service and should sort it out with the service provider.

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2022 11:29

my AIBU is whether it is selfish of us

I’m curious about your use of ‘us’ here - given that you can’t help!

CMOTDibbler · 21/02/2022 11:30

Your brother shouldn't have paid the original developer if they didn't do a good enough job, so would still have funds to pay someone else.
Your DH doesn't have time to take on another job, paid or unpaid, so why feel guilty about it

Natty13 · 21/02/2022 11:31

@Chestofdraws

Do you not have a good relationship then? Personally I’d help, but not all families support each other when one is struggling.
"Not all families would set themselves on fire to set someone else warm"

She said her husband is working 2 jobs and all the hours God sends. No wonder the state of mental health in this country is fucking shocking with attitudes like this.

Cognoscenti · 21/02/2022 11:31

@Chestofdraws

Do you not have a good relationship then? Personally I’d help, but not all families support each other when one is struggling.
It's nothing to do with relationship, her DH literally doesn't have the time... I would feel the same in his situation, if it meant giving up my only free time (if I had any) to do the website.

I think YANBU OP, your brother definitely shouldn't be paying the full cost, and hiring someone more competent to fix the non-functioning parts of the website (deducted from the original invoice!).

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 11:32

By the sounds of it
It wouldn’t be you or us helping out

It would be your dh
Did you even ask your dh?

And the focus should be on addressing the poor quality wrk by the developer

OneTiredMam · 21/02/2022 11:32

Did your brother even ask your DH?

Daisy4569 · 21/02/2022 11:34

Did your brother ask for his help originally? I think if he asked and your DH said he didn’t have time then it still stands that he doesn’t have time now (especially as help correcting the issues probably wouldn’t be paid!) That being said I’d probably say he doesn’t have time at the moment but if he can wait until X time then he will help out.

Rainbowshine · 21/02/2022 11:36

As someone who gets asked a lot for help and advice about work issues, interviews, cvs etc as I work in HR, it’s totally fine to say no. Even for family. In fact I say there’s even more reasons not to do your professional role for family as a favour, what if it goes wrong or they don’t like what you advise or do? Better to keep professional work separate in my experience. Ignore your dad, he probably doesn’t know what is involved and your brother needs to go back to the original person if they did a bad job.

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2022 11:39

My DH has traditionally helped his Dsis out in her business with a particular skill, giving up time to do this job (& receiving fair market rate payment). On the occasion that he couldn’t fit it in, he told his Dsis he could do it this time, she paid someone else, but he helped out with the tech aspects of what she needed to consider when hiring someone, and drew up the brief/vetted the company she hired for quality.

That seems to me fair in terms of ‘helping out family’. You don’t need to martyr yourself but equally an hour or two of advice for a close family member isn’t equivalent to a full web build or whatever.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/02/2022 11:44

Sounds like brother needs to sort it with original contractor. You can’t help. You can’t volunteer your dp to help if he’s busy with 2 jobs he hasn’t got time. Plus unpicking a mess other designer has done is likely to be time consuming. Plus is it a mess because brother had weird requests or didn’t provide correct info etc it could be a real can of worms.
I’d just say to dad brother hasn’t asked dp to help and leave it at that.

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 21/02/2022 11:49

@OkThenJustChill

Did your brother pay the designer that did a bad job? He should hire a different designer to fix the website issues and take it off the rubbish designer's invoice. If they haven't done the job to a good standard then he needs to sort it out with the suppliers. It isn't on your DH to come to the rescue. People often have no appreciation for how long website builds, design work etc can take - your parents may just think it's an afternoon's work, which I assume it isn't. If they bring it up again then I would highlight how long it would take to fix the issues and reiterate that DH doesn't have capacity.
I understand that DB paid the website designer half the money in advance and held half the money back to be paid when the job was completed. I think that he has now sacked the original website designer and engaged someone else. I think that he is not challenging the payment to the first designer, as they have done the job requested, but not to DB's satisfaction.
OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 21/02/2022 11:50

Think it's nothing to do with you. It's between your brother and husband. He needs to sortit out with the paid contractor, try and get a refund to pay someone else really.

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2022 11:51

I think that he has now sacked the original website designer and engaged someone else.

What are you worrying about then? Your brother seems to have it under control no input required.

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 21/02/2022 11:53

No, DB hasn't asked DH to get involved thankfully. It's just my Dad laying on the guilts as he knows DH could do the job.

Obviously, if DH were in the position to help, he would do it free as we wouldn't charge family. That is probably another reason why my Dad would like to get my DH on board with it.

Having done website work in the past, it is immensely time consuming to get websites to customer satisfaction. Every time you think the work is done, the customer asks for an alteration or thinks of a new request. I just know that if DH gets involved, he wouldn't have the time to do the job justice.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 11:55

So the brother hasn’t asked

Your father has “hinted”

Op. This isn’t an issue.

Your brother - starting a business - needs to address the poor service he has received
End of

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2022 11:56

Just ignore your dad, then.

You know that’s the answer!

buddylicious · 21/02/2022 11:56

Well I think your brother is cheeky as he should have paid your husband to do the job in the first place.

He can't then come along and expect your husband to pick up the mess free of charge!!!!

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 21/02/2022 11:58

@Toanewstart23

By the sounds of it It wouldn’t be you or us helping out

It would be your dh
Did you even ask your dh?

And the focus should be on addressing the poor quality wrk by the developer

You are right. It's not me helping out as I don't have any website development skills. I mentioned it to DH rather than asking him. He agrees that he doesn't have the time to get involved.

DH has spoken to my Dad on occasion when he has requested specific advice on behalf of my brother. DH is happy to offer general advice but just doesn't have capacity to actually do DBs website.

OP posts:
Tickledtrout · 21/02/2022 11:58

Don't talk through your dad. Ask your DH to talk to your brother directly. Does db actually want your DHs support? Your DH might be able to suggest someone he thinks might be up to the task.

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 21/02/2022 12:00

@buddylicious

Well I think your brother is cheeky as he should have paid your husband to do the job in the first place.

He can't then come along and expect your husband to pick up the mess free of charge!!!!

Not really that DB is cheeky. I expect that DB would have offered to pay DH for his time if he was involved in doing the website. We wouldn't have accepted payment as DB's new business has been set up on a shoe string.

I think that Dad would like DH involved as he trusts him to do a good job.

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 21/02/2022 12:03

I don't think YABU. Your brother hasn't actually asked your DH do to the website, your dad is just hinting at it. I'd imagine your brother knows it is a lot of work. Your dad may be under the wrong impression that "it's just a quick bit of work for DH"

A lot of people massively underestimate how much work goes into many, many things.