AIBU not to help out a family member?

[SweatyBetty1234]

My brother is in the process of setting up a new business. He has paid someone to develop a website for him, but basically the person involved has done a rubbish job and the website is not really functional.

My husband does have the skills to develop the website but literally has no time due to currently having two jobs. He currently works all the hours god sends.

My Dad hinted this morning that my husband should be sorting out the website for my brother. I had to tell him that my DH just doesn't have the time. I feel incredibly guilty that we aren't supporting my brother is his hour of need.

I think that my AIBU is whether it is selfish of us not to help.

Why on earth is the brother cheeky

He hasn’t asked or hinted

@Tickledtrout

Don't talk through your dad. Ask your DH to talk to your brother directly. Does db actually want your DHs support? Your DH might be able to suggest someone he thinks might be up to the task.

DB hasn't asked DH for support, although I imagine would be happy to receive it if offered.

We don't really know any website designers ourselves who we could recommend.

Ironically, when we set up our business 20 years ago, we came up against the same issues DB is having. We paid a website designer, and what they came up with was unusable. Wasted money. We paid a search engine optimisation company who did nothing, but charged us loads.

Our solution was for DH to develop these skills himself and make his own website and optimise it.

Right now though, DH is working days, evenings and weekends and struggling to keep on top of his own workload, so can't do much practically to help DB.

Next time your dad hints just say "it sounds like DB has it all under control and if he needs help he'll ask - although he'd have to wait a while for DH's assistance as he's drowning in work at the moment."

That puts the onus onto your brother and tells your dad it's none of his business while also making it clear that there's no point pushing your brother to ask DH.

@irishfarmer

I don't think YABU. Your brother hasn't actually asked your DH do to the website, your dad is just hinting at it. I'd imagine your brother knows it is a lot of work. Your dad may be under the wrong impression that "it's just a quick bit of work for DH"

A lot of people massively underestimate how much work goes into many, many things.

My Dad has form for asking my DH to do a "Quick IT job". Many a weekend when we have stayed at my parents, my DH has had to spend most of it trying to sort out a "Little" IT problem. Absolute nightmare!

@girlmom21

Next time your dad hints just say "it sounds like DB has it all under control and if he needs help he'll ask - although he'd have to wait a while for DH's assistance as he's drowning in work at the moment."

That puts the onus onto your brother and tells your dad it's none of his business while also making it clear that there's no point pushing your brother to ask DH.

Sounds like a good way of approaching this! Thank you.

Ignore the hinting. Sounds like DB has it under control, and DH doesn't have time anyway.

There is nothing to feel guilty about.

A lot of people don't understand the costs and practicalities of both setting up and running a functional website. Multiple technical teams working for months along with analysts, testers and a PM are usually involved if creating something decent. Trying to do something on a shoestring with one resource leads to errors, gaps and redoing work, as well as usually being left wide open to security risks. Buying fully functional SaaS solutions with a little bit of brand slapped on might not achieve everything, but is by far the best way for a small business to approach website set-up; the company can then pour their focus into getting the content and processes right.

I don't know why your dad is playing go-between. Best thing to do is call your brother to let him know, and help him come up with a plan if he doesn't have one already. Perfectly reasonable to say DH can't actually do the work though. Very few people can afford to, or be willing to, give away free weeks off work for family, it's too much to ask.

He doesn't have the time and that's that.

Your BD is a grown up and can pay a professional. Just ignore your Dad.

However what your DH could do is call your brother and say would any advice be helpful - ie do you know what went wrong last time and does the new designer have a clear brief. A chat would be nice, but if you think DB will suck DH in then don't.

If the website isn't really functional then it doesn't sound like your bro should have paid the designer.

Website work is long, relentless, and never a 'quick fix'. IMO, it's not favour-level work (unless it's for your spouse, perhaps )

I'll be generous and imagine your dad doesn't know this.

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

A lot of people don't understand the costs and practicalities of both setting up and running a functional website. Multiple technical teams working for months along with analysts, testers and a PM are usually involved if creating something decent. Trying to do something on a shoestring with one resource leads to errors, gaps and redoing work, as well as usually being left wide open to security risks. Buying fully functional SaaS solutions with a little bit of brand slapped on might not achieve everything, but is by far the best way for a small business to approach website set-up; the company can then pour their focus into getting the content and processes right.

I don't know why your dad is playing go-between. Best thing to do is call your brother to let him know, and help him come up with a plan if he doesn't have one already. Perfectly reasonable to say DH can't actually do the work though. Very few people can afford to, or be willing to, give away free weeks off work for family, it's too much to ask.

Good advice about using a pre-made package. Will relay this to DB.

@JustUseTheDoorSanta Are you referring to something like SquareSpace? I wanted to suggest it, it is an an easier and cheaper option if no time or money for a custom website, but It would depend on what the business is.

If it was me and I had the skills I would help a family or friend out.

I wouldn’t put it above my other jobs so it may take a while but I would still help.

I’m currently doing this for a friend. I hope they would return the favour if I ever need it.

Great advice above.

Your husband is up the walls as is, protect him from your family taking advantage of him.

@WonderfulYou

If it was me and I had the skills I would help a family or friend out.

I wouldn’t put it above my other jobs so it may take a while but I would still help.

I’m currently doing this for a friend. I hope they would return the favour if I ever need it.

It is difficult to provide help, without actually taking on the website and doing it for DB. It is an immense job. Even after the website has been produced to the satisfaction of the client, it is likely to need ongoing maintenance which in itself can be very time consuming.

We already host a website which we set up for another relative years ago. To be honest, it has been an ongoing source of work for us. We don't charge for this one. We just bill them each year for the hosting of the domain. Every year, I always have to ask for the tiny fee the domain company charge at least 3 to 4 times. Definitely a case of no good deed goes unpunished.

Why didn't your brother ask your husband (and pay him rather then someone else) in the first place?

@buddylicious

Why didn't your brother ask your husband (and pay him rather then someone else) in the first place?

I don't actually know. DH wouldn't have been able to take it on even if payment offered due to lack of time. Also, another issue is that DB is one of these temperamental types who always knows best. Another reason why DH getting involved would probably not end well.