To think DH works far too much?

[SasquatchYeti]

Sorry it’ll be a big long as I don’t want to drip feed. I’ve NC for this.

DH is mid forties and manages a quality team in a scientific industry. He used to work shifts over a decade ago so his sleep is weird tbh; he’s always woken up at odd times here and there before getting back to sleep, etc.

However, with covid, he tells me they’re so much busier now so he’s resorted to falling asleep after work most days ( he caught covid in October this falling asleep has improved but not 100% ) and then waking up in the middle of the night to sign off documents, etc.
When we go to bed together, he tends to wake up very early to catch up.
He has two levels of management working under him and then non-management staff. I have told him numerous times that he needs to pass on some of the workload down, if he can’t get the work reduced but he’s continuing this way. He hasn’t passed any of the increased workload down.

I don’t know how long he can continue like this for. It’s as if he’s living to work currently😢

We’re up north and his base salary is high £40s with his bonus pushing him up into low £50s. We’re based in north eastern England.

He’s also putting on weight due to not allowing himself enough time to exercise and eats late when he’s working late.

In order not to drip feed, he used to do this but it was quite infrequent. We sadly lost his dad a few months ago he’s got much worse.

I’ve found him some jobs in the public sector that I know operate on flexible time so I hope would give him a better work:life balance but he’s adamant there’s a training opportunity he needs, which they have just given him and he feels he can’t turn down.

I also work full in the public sector but have flexi time.

Aibu?

Yabu - that’s normal (Yes)
Yanbu - that’s far too much (No)

I can see why his odd sleeping patterns and no exercise are a concern but you haven’t actually written how many hours out of each day or a week he is working so it’s hard to gauge.

I have had covid and had quite a few months afterwards of needing a lot of naps.

@CharSiu

I can see why his odd sleeping patterns and no exercise are a concern but you haven’t actually written how many hours out of each day or a week he is working so it’s hard to gauge.

I have had covid and had quite a few months afterwards of needing a lot of naps.

Ah yes, you’re right.

So he’ll do school pick ups and drop offs 2 days a week. When he does pick ups, he’ll start just after 9 and finish around 5:30/6:00 so a normal day.
When he does pick ups, he starts his working day around 7:15, pick and then continue working.
We share cooking dinner, no set split.
Fridays, I’m off so so he works 7 to 5, etc.

Then, he’ll fall asleep in the sofa or in bed, if he’s putting the kids to bed ( they’re tweens but we just like to chat, etc, before bed).

Then, he’ll wake up around at 9/10pm and work till 1am/2am.
If he sleeps through, he’ll wake up around 3am/4am and work through till morning and then get ready for work. Very rarely, he might sleep for an hour and start go to work around 8am.

Are there financial pressures? Do you work or is he the sole breadwinner?

@sst1234

Are there financial pressures? Do you work or is he the sole breadwinner?

I work full time over 4 days and earn just under £40K. We’re pretty comfortable, more on paper than in real life, but no financial pressures. No debt, apart from my pcp and the house.

Honestly, we work more. DH is a truck driver so leaves the house at about 5am. I leave the house at 7am to drop DD2 at breakfast club for 7.15 then commute to work starting at 8.30. DH picks DD2 up at half 5 on his way home. I finish at 5, get home about half 6 but every other week I normally have an evening meeting/client event etc that means I don't get home until 9/10. Often pick up emails outside of work hours though it's not an expectation.

DH will be going down to three days soon because I've got a new job/payrise that makes it possible. What would you have you DH do; it sounds as though he already has some flexibility to work remotely/around childcare.

@over2021

Honestly, we work more. DH is a truck driver so leaves the house at about 5am. I leave the house at 7am to drop DD2 at breakfast club for 7.15 then commute to work starting at 8.30. DH picks DD2 up at half 5 on his way home. I finish at 5, get home about half 6 but every other week I normally have an evening meeting/client event etc that means I don't get home until 9/10. Often pick up emails outside of work hours though it's not an expectation.

DH will be going down to three days soon because I've got a new job/payrise that makes it possible. What would you have you DH do; it sounds as though he already has some flexibility to work remotely/around childcare.

You work more than waking up at 9pm/10pm after a full day’s worth of work and work will 3/4am on top of that?

Sorry for the drip feed, Just realised I forgot to add that he carries on with the night working stuff on weekends too and a few hours in the day, too.

@over2021

Honestly, we work more. DH is a truck driver so leaves the house at about 5am. I leave the house at 7am to drop DD2 at breakfast club for 7.15 then commute to work starting at 8.30. DH picks DD2 up at half 5 on his way home. I finish at 5, get home about half 6 but every other week I normally have an evening meeting/client event etc that means I don't get home until 9/10. Often pick up emails outside of work hours though it's not an expectation.

DH will be going down to three days soon because I've got a new job/payrise that makes it possible. What would you have you DH do; it sounds as though he already has some flexibility to work remotely/around childcare.

I presume your DH doesn’t continue his truck driving duties throughout the night but that when he finishes work for the day, he is done? Same applies to you? I tend to pick up enfold but gong consider that when I calculate how much time I work.

I think his work pattern is an issue, he's developed a pattern. Not so much the hours.
It's cutting into your time together, he's not winding down properly. He might not be being as productive as he could be.

If he left, his replacement is really unlikely to work like that. So it's not essential to work like that.

BUT I work weird hours to fit around my family. I often work in the evening because I've spent time with them after school.

My DP works in a way that would kill me. He works Mon - Fri: 7.30am - 5.30. Then 7pm until midnight on Mon/Tues/Weds and he works at least 1 day on a weekend. On holiday he's a pain - needs to do couple of hours a day. His career is his life, I don't think he will ever fully retire. But I worry about his health.

How are his moods? When my DP gets snappy with us that's when I tell him to sort out his work practice (it used to be worse).

@TheMooch

I think his work pattern is an issue, he's developed a pattern. Not so much the hours. It's cutting into your time together, he's not winding down properly. He might not be being as productive as he could be.

If he left, his replacement is really unlikely to work like that. So it's not essential to work like that.

BUT I work weird hours to fit around my family. I often work in the evening because I've spent time with them after school.

My DP works in a way that would kill me. He works Mon - Fri: 7.30am - 5.30. Then 7pm until midnight on Mon/Tues/Weds and he works at least 1 day on a weekend. On holiday he's a pain - needs to do couple of hours a day. His career is his life, I don't think he will ever fully retire. But I worry about his health.

How are his moods? When my DP gets snappy with us that's when I tell him to sort out his work practice (it used to be worse).

I think you’re right about him having developed a pattern. It certainly cuts into our time together and I’m beginning to resent him a tiny little bit for it. We do catch many moments in the day to laugh together and we always eat together as a family but it’s not enough.

He says he’s always fire fighting at work so doesn’t feel like he has time to do his actual work. His management team and supposed to be fire fighting in their departments but he does this instead of waiting for then dealing with escalated issues. There certainly is an element of taking on much more than he should. I have no problem delegating to my team as long I know they’re capable.

He’s as chilled and laid back and they come.

You will get loads of posters coming on telling you how they all work 16 hour days x 6 days a week, but IMO, it shouldn't be a race to the bottom.

Lots of professions have busy times, be that to do with the financial year or academic year or seasonal work etc., and lots of professionals do work a lot more than what is supposed to be 'standard' 37 - 40 hours a week.
I think what would concern me about your dh's week is his poor sleep patterns as much as the actual number of hours.

Oh, and the public sector / flexi hour looks good on paper, but when there is too much work to do, people end up losing all their TOIL and never actually getting to take it, unless they are really determined and bolshy about it.

If he lost his dad recently, work is always fighting fires etc he sounds like he's under a lot of stress - people cope differently with stress. Did he fully process his dads death? People deal with grief in different ways. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about that sort of thing. I did the same last year when I lost several family members. I

@Kite22

You will get loads of posters coming on telling you how they all work 16 hour days x 6 days a week, but IMO, it shouldn't be a race to the bottom.

Lots of professions have busy times, be that to do with the financial year or academic year or seasonal work etc., and lots of professionals do work a lot more than what is supposed to be 'standard' 37 - 40 hours a week.
I think what would concern me about your dh's week is his poor sleep patterns as much as the actual number of hours.

Oh, and the public sector / flexi hour looks good on paper, but when there is too much work to do, people end up losing all their TOIL and never actually getting to take it, unless they are really determined and bolshy about it.

Towards the end of the financial year, my workload is through the roof, so as you say, I’d expect this. A friend’s DH recently had a heart scare so I think that’s part of my concern, tbh. He’s only a few years older than DH.

@ohhooh

If he lost his dad recently, work is always fighting fires etc he sounds like he's under a lot of stress - people cope differently with stress. Did he fully process his dads death? People deal with grief in different ways. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about that sort of thing. I did the same last year when I lost several family members. I

I would say he’s not processed his grief at all. We’ve had some deep conversations about how he’s feeling but he thinks it’s still surreal.

YANBU
I think the falling asleep is a red flag that he may have long Covid and is trying to push through it. He does need to rebalance his workload. You do seem overly involved though by telling him to delegate it and doing job searches for a different job for him. I’d be more general, explain he’s hampering his recovery from Covid by pushing so hard and he’ll burn out at the rate he is going. As for how he reduces workload, that’s up to him? But be clear something has to give before he gives himself a heart attack.

@EmpressCixi

YANBU I think the falling asleep is a red flag that he may have long Covid and is trying to push through it. He does need to rebalance his workload. You do seem overly involved though by telling him to delegate it and doing job searches for a different job for him. I’d be more general, explain he’s hampering his recovery from Covid by pushing so hard and he’ll burn out at the rate he is going. As for how he reduces workload, that’s up to him? But be clear something has to give before he gives himself a heart attack.

I’ve suggested long covid but he’s dismissed it. I do understand where you’re coming from saying I sound over invested. It’s because he speaks to me about it and it’s the same story over and again. I’m just trying to be helpful by suggesting what I think is the logical step. I see the effects it’s having on him but of course, I acknowledge the decision is up to him.

Far too much, even if it was not affecting his health. Hope somehow you can get him to work less, wish I could think of a way.

Honestly it's not worth working these hours for 50k pay. If you add up all those hours together, you'd probably find he's on less than minimum wage ..

@balalake

Far too much, even if it was not affecting his health. Hope somehow you can get him to work less, wish I could think of a way.

Thank you, that’s kind of you to say.

@littlese

Honestly it's not worth working these hours for 50k pay. If you add up all those hours together, you'd probably find he's on less than minimum wage ..

That’s exactly why I included his pay. I don’t think it’s worth it at all.

Can I suggest you/ he read the one minute manager books? V short, brilliant.
Especially the one minute manage meets the monkey.

I think his routine sounds horrendous. But I can’t actually figure out how many hours he is working from what you have said.

He needs to cut his worked hours down to less than 50, and then structure them in such a way that they are not all-consuming. The way he is mixing sleep and work is awful.

@thesandwich

Can I suggest you/ he read the one minute manager books? V short, brilliant. Especially the one minute manage meets the monkey.

Thanks for the suggestion. Found one on eBay in like new condition so it’s on his way.

Thats an awful lot of work for not a huge salary. He will find himself as a 'manager/doer' as opposed to senior if he does not start to manage his workload down. His approach to work is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy probably because he does not manage his team or time well. If he earned that salary by working smart 9-5 Mon to Friday then he would be doing well. Maybe he should look for change/promotion as he sounds in a rut.

Should add to above- I have lots of friends like this who now find themselves stuck with 15 years to go to retirement - no promotion prospects because they were 'solid' - he needs to work smart- same money/ less time then he gains work life and a healthy marriage.