To go NC???

[indiesearcher]

Hi there,

Full disclosure, it's a long in-laws one... and I'll try not to drip feed but the issues have been there for years so I might forget something. Basically, there's form for this sort of behaviour that goes back a long time. We've had full and frank discussions about this issue and the upset their behaviour causes but it makes no difference, time and time again.

Anyway...

Last week sometime, MIL sends a group WhatsApp asking if any of us (our family and BIL family) would be up for going away over Easter. She said she was keen to get away and thought it would be nice for "us all" to book something.

MIL and FIL have had a rough few weeks caring for MIL's once estranged cousin who has just passed away. It was expected, and cousin wasn't a pleasant person - no great upset I understand. MIL is relieved we think, and we took her suggestion of a family holiday to mean that she was after a bit of a break - some down time, with all of the family. We have 2 DC's and BIL/SIL have one DD (the favourite first born GC). Everyone gets along like a house on fire. Kids especially.

So of course we replied saying yes, sounds lovely, but that we had booked three days away already during the 20 day school holiday period - not across Easter itself or the bank holidays. We told her the dates and said we'd love to do something anytime before or after.

BIL replied and said "great, we'd been thinking of a few days in X place" and that he could start investigating. He didn't mention any dates. We were sort of expecting to hear back with some options or pick up the chat this week.

Anyway, cut to today and DH called MIL to check in, for a general chit chat. Just as they were about to say goodbye, DH asked about Easter plans. MIL fumbled and informed him that she and BIL have already made a plan, booked travel/accommodation, but that they depart the day we get home from our trip. No consultation, no invitation to join them, no phone call to see if we could make dates work - nothing.

DH expressed his disappointment that it had been booked without our input and she jumped in defence and shouted, "well just come then". Charming.

DH is gutted. We've basically organised the last two family holidays for us all (totally inclusive of what worked for all, huge faff over covid etc), we just hosted Christmas for them all, and we basically involve and invite them all to everything. Yet we get left out time and time again.

They (BIL family and PIL) live closer to each other and live in each other's pockets. MIL does everything for BIL/SIL, and it's embarrassingly apparent that they are the favoured family. Numerous specific examples over the last few years of clear and hurtful favouritism that our DC have noted and been directly hurt by.

We've had several upsetting talks with both PIL and BIL about this over the years but clearly no one is listening. We simply can't keep doing it. MIL HATES confrontation and will bury her head in the sand over all of this. Will shout and cover her ears if you call out her poor behaviour etc. FIL oblivious.

Why would MIL suggest a holiday on a group chat and then ignore us?

What would you do? No contact feels extreme (we couldn't do the dates they wanted to do??) but DH is ready to walk away. I was ready years ago tbh.

Any thoughts really appreciated.

They want to have their cake and eat it too. Your in-laws are out for what they can get out of the relationship - your family hosting events etc. But they don't want to put anything in.
You need to do the same thing. If you're getting nothing out of the relationship, go no contact. But if a polite 1 hour meet up every now and then keeps your kids happy, try that instead.
However NEVER host anything again. Only you can allow yourself to be a doormat

Drop the rope so to speak.
No more hosting or organising things. Let them come to you and if they don’t bother then it’s their loss.

That was shitty of MIL to offer the holidaying together then organize it with BIL behind your back. Half arsed barked invitation when she got caught out speaks for itself.

These people never admit playing the favourites. Spend time with the family and friends around you, the ones who want to spend the time with you and value you. Clearly MIL doesn’t and neither does BIL- he would lose out if status quo was challenged.
Coming at the end of pecking order is also very hurtful to kids as they might think they are worth less than their cousins because of unfair treatment dished out by close family members.

Sorry OP 💐

Your Mil is very rude. I wouldn't want to host her after that. I also hate it when DGC are treated differently.

Think NC is a bit too far and would only result in your DC missing out really although I understand why you are tempted. I would definitely not be putting in so much effort in anymore though. Call in for a cup of tea but no more hosting or organising. Maybe focus more on getting together with BIL family for days out without the PIL if you all get on well so that way the DC don't miss out on doing things together.

Accept you are Class B relatives and stop doing anything for her...

Thanks fir the replies so far. Was fully prepared accept AIBU but it seems you all agree with me.

One time, a few years ago, when I was living on my own in the UK while DH was overseas, they promised DS a day trip out in town because a previous planned day out had fallen through because it didn't work for BIL side.

So I trekked over there, only to find my niece there too, BIL/SIL nowhere to be seen. They'd dropped their DD over the night before so they could go out. They then phoned asking for her to be brought home that afternoon, and PIL obliged. DS's trip out with PIL was canned. He was sobbing to me in their hallway asking why BIL/SIL couldn't come to collect his cousin. He was 5. PIL saw and heard the lot but ignored it and we returned home.

At this point I was ready to go NC. I relayed it to DH who was shocked and probably wanted to think I was over exaggerating. He's seen it for himself a few times since but this feels like the final straw.

Is flouncing from the WhatsApp group too dramatic??

It sounds like this action has been a long time coming

I would post on WhatsApp how upsetting this has been for you, being left out having been asked. That you continually host, that you have arranged previous holidays and accommodated everyone. I would finish that you now know your place within the family, you will no longer be hosting anything and can’t accept your children continually being
upset by the obvious favouritism towards bils kid and complete lack of concern in building any relationship with them. Therefore you will no longer have any contact with them

Then leave the group, block numbers e5c

It really upsets me when there is such blatant favouritism. I have it in my family with my mother, it’s so sad to hear kids desperate to please a grandparent and wondering why said grandparent is so horrible to them compared to cousins. She won’t heard a word about it, she doesn’t do this, when it’s obvious to me and my sisters she does. We now call her out each time

I would post on the 'what's app' family chat that it was upsetting and hurtful to be invited and then left out of the arrangements. I personally wouldn't announce that I will no longer host events like Christmas or arrange group holidays etc., but I would scale back big time on the effort put into to this relationship. Make your own fun - make arrangements with your family and with friends.

The best thing about this thread is that DH wants to go NC. They're his parents so let him. Don't try to maintain contact in some sort of misguided hope that the DCs will one day have a normal relationship with their grand parents.

DH will be sad at first that it's come to this, that his parents aren't fair, but in time he'll feel like a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders. And you won't have to watch your DCs wondering why they're treated as second class GDCs, nor will you have to do all the giving while they take, take, take and give nothing back except heartache. Enjoy the freedom, and leave the parents and golden boy BIL to their own devices.

I would post on the WhatsApp group that you are hurt about what has happened and, as it's not the first time, you will be taking a step back for a while.

You must let them know the impact it's having. Don't just let it rumble along!

Don't post anything on the whatsapp. These are DH's parents, just follow his lead and support him.

Everyone gets along like a house on fire.

Do you? At the end of your post it seems like there are a lot of issues.

I thinking going NC is extreme but definitely pull back

As PPs have said, it's really your DHs decision to go NC, let him take the lead. But if I were talking to him I would say NC is too far. Just put in the same level of effort as they do, i.e. not much. It's sad that they don't seem to want the close relationship you do, or are too unassertive to occasionally put your family ahead of BIL's to make that happen, but you can't help what they do, you can only change your own behaviour. I just think NC should be reserved for situations where there has been history or possible threat of abuse. It's very extreme. I mean, your DH may know his parents well enough to know that their behaviour will deteriorate the moment he stops running to do whatever they want, there is that.

Yanbu.
There is similar favoritism between my dh and bil (to the tune of thousands of pounds each year), yet we are expected to spend "give" and "do" a lot for all of them.

Practically speaking:

Agree very much with drop the rope.

I would host and organise nothing and very importantly in no way facilitate or encourage contact bu DH. He doesn't want it -support him in that (harder than it sounds for some )

Get your DH some therapy so he can talk it out (I had to drag my dh kicking and screaming. It was bereavement counselling and every session was about his mother... who was very not the one dying...) its helped him HUGELY

Quietly remove any reminders of them that are in your home.

Agree with others - I would send a message to the what's app group saying you were surprised and hurt. It's not the first time etc.

Reading the OP one thing that struck me is BIL
He is complicit in this dynamic and while mil could pull some of this shit without his awareness he was absolutely playing his part in this one - He knew you were cut out and carried on and said nothing.
How is your DH feeling about this?

Oh while I'd message and call out their crappy behaviour I wouldn't leave the group orvgo NC now.

I do agree with going very low contact and no effort.
You can grey rock and ultimarely fade to NC over time if desired.

Mute the chat, ignore, don’t mention anything and stop doing stuff for/with them.

Thanks much everyone there's some really good advice here.

Tempting as it is to say how I feel in the group chat I don't think I will. They are poor communicators and I think it'll either be ignored because no one wants to take responsibility, or there'll be some veiled apology- it'll just be another disappointment! DH has asked me to hold his phone for a while so he doesn't say anything he will regret. So silence is the way for now.

Dropping the rope and being led by DH - absolutely. Letting PIL drop in the see DCs, definitely, but I'm done with the fake close relationship.

I also 100% agree that BIL is complicit - DH is devastated.

I think going NC is extreme.
Why doesn't DH just call his brother and ask why he chose that specific date without consultation?

If MIL hates conflict it's probably him who picked the dates - it might have just been the cheapest flights or whatever.

DH is ready to walk away,
I was ready year's ago

DC have been directly Hurt by favouritism

Go low contact!!

Don't make a fuss!! Don't announced it just gradually fade away, don't instantly respond to messages, don't respond to emails.. start to be unavailable....

I can't believe you let your DC be treated differently

@Tigersonvaseline - I didn't. I kicked off, I went low contact at that time too. FIL bridged the relationship and coerced MIL into talking to me - she just didn't want to hear it. It's bubbled away since but this is a final straw.

Don't flounce from the what's app group.
Just don't read it for ages then be prepared to block it.

There is no way I would allow pils to drop in to see gc.

Gc are a bloody privalige! It sickens me how people take them for granted when many people want DC and can't have them, or don't meet the right person etc.

They get taken for granted all the time!

Pull hack and if pil mention in months time say it's not possible because you treat the GC different just as you do the son's and it's not going to be tolerated.

So going by your last post your FIL isn’t oblivious as he realised last time that something had to be fixed.

So you/your DH could raise with him and basically say we have had enough and will be stepping back. He may be the one that knocks sense into the others

Let your bloke lead the way, if he wants to go NC then that's up to him. Just stop.

On the plus side, he gets out of all the wiping his parents arses in time, that can all to to his brother and co.

On reflection I am inclined to say don't bother to message the group or say anything.
It only really gets you upset and gives you mil the chance to act like the injured party/victim

I wouldn't get Fil involved at all
Its just more drama and it won't change the dynamics (too many players want to maintain the status quo)
If he does talk mil into reaching out respond totally in a totally vanilla Teflon non commital way.
Grey rock is your friend.
I now get great pleasure trolling my mil with this and have perfected my "pleasantly bland face".

"Oh right. Well let's see"
"Oh a visit? That's a shame as we can't then. Let's reschedule for another time"

Drop the rope OP and lower your expectations. It's hurtful but it gets easier once you take a step back. I did it a few years ago with my mother and sister and I'm far less bothered by their exclusionary antics now.

We hosted Christmas for years, and other events too. Nobody else hosts. Then a few years ago I found out they were all going out for my mother's birthday without us. I phoned my sister to ask why we weren't invited. She was flustered but said mum couldn't afford to pay for everyone and felt bad expecting us to pay for ourselves. This was bollocks as we'd happily pay for ourselves. They didn't want us there. Then the final straw, after hosting Christmas for 23 years I said I didn't fancy doing it and we'd be going out for Christmas lunch if they fancied joining us. We'd even pay as their Xmas present. A firm no - it's too expensive, it's to much food, it's all precooked and reheated, blah blah. Then my brother made a surprise visit from abroad and guess what, they all went out for Christmas lunch, and oh it was so lovely, the best Christmas meal ever.

That did it. Huge step back taken. No more hosting, no more trying to understand their behaviour, getting upset etc. I'm polite and friendly when I see them but don't disclose much and have zero expectations. It's very freeing.