To go NC???

[indiesearcher]

Hi there,

Full disclosure, it's a long in-laws one... and I'll try not to drip feed but the issues have been there for years so I might forget something. Basically, there's form for this sort of behaviour that goes back a long time. We've had full and frank discussions about this issue and the upset their behaviour causes but it makes no difference, time and time again.

Anyway...

Last week sometime, MIL sends a group WhatsApp asking if any of us (our family and BIL family) would be up for going away over Easter. She said she was keen to get away and thought it would be nice for "us all" to book something.

MIL and FIL have had a rough few weeks caring for MIL's once estranged cousin who has just passed away. It was expected, and cousin wasn't a pleasant person - no great upset I understand. MIL is relieved we think, and we took her suggestion of a family holiday to mean that she was after a bit of a break - some down time, with all of the family. We have 2 DC's and BIL/SIL have one DD (the favourite first born GC). Everyone gets along like a house on fire. Kids especially.

So of course we replied saying yes, sounds lovely, but that we had booked three days away already during the 20 day school holiday period - not across Easter itself or the bank holidays. We told her the dates and said we'd love to do something anytime before or after.

BIL replied and said "great, we'd been thinking of a few days in X place" and that he could start investigating. He didn't mention any dates. We were sort of expecting to hear back with some options or pick up the chat this week.

Anyway, cut to today and DH called MIL to check in, for a general chit chat. Just as they were about to say goodbye, DH asked about Easter plans. MIL fumbled and informed him that she and BIL have already made a plan, booked travel/accommodation, but that they depart the day we get home from our trip. No consultation, no invitation to join them, no phone call to see if we could make dates work - nothing.

DH expressed his disappointment that it had been booked without our input and she jumped in defence and shouted, "well just come then". Charming.

DH is gutted. We've basically organised the last two family holidays for us all (totally inclusive of what worked for all, huge faff over covid etc), we just hosted Christmas for them all, and we basically involve and invite them all to everything. Yet we get left out time and time again.

They (BIL family and PIL) live closer to each other and live in each other's pockets. MIL does everything for BIL/SIL, and it's embarrassingly apparent that they are the favoured family. Numerous specific examples over the last few years of clear and hurtful favouritism that our DC have noted and been directly hurt by.

We've had several upsetting talks with both PIL and BIL about this over the years but clearly no one is listening. We simply can't keep doing it. MIL HATES confrontation and will bury her head in the sand over all of this. Will shout and cover her ears if you call out her poor behaviour etc. FIL oblivious.

Why would MIL suggest a holiday on a group chat and then ignore us?

What would you do? No contact feels extreme (we couldn't do the dates they wanted to do??) but DH is ready to walk away. I was ready years ago tbh.

Any thoughts really appreciated.

Walk away and get on with your life. They are never going to change. It's cruel and hurtful but they know precisely what they are doing and don't care
Your poor child too

I would take a huge step back . No comment on what's app, should they make contact be very vague with answers .
Don't offer to host or meet up , move on with your life and accept BIL and his family are the favourites.

Its very painful, Ive had this with my PIL. I used to live on the same property, & would constantly lend a hand, do their shopping, drive to dr appointments etc. Then I'd pop in on a Sunday lunchtime & find them with their other 2 sons & dils sitting around the table having a 3 course family lunch..
It was such a slap in the face.
I dropped the rope.
I still havent been to say Happy New Year. MIL is probably very disgruntled, & point it out to the rest of the family
(My H goes everyday, that should be enough.)
Just fizzle out. Is my advice, your H can respond on WhatsApp, or not.

It's so hurtful and we are still in some kind of processing shock I think.

I'm sort of glad it's happening though as it's allowing me to finally draw a very form line in the sand from my end. If DH wants to resolve it in time that's up to him but I'm firmly out of this now.

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your stories. People are so weird.

*firm line!

Resurrecting this thread as I need to help DH...

He's had an apology from his mum, she seems genuinely remorseful and he was grateful for the call - relieved to hear it wasn't intentional etc. Not sure I but it but anyway...

He stood his ground on the call - made his points about it being repeated pattern of behaviour, nail in coffin etc. But he seemed happy she had called and he said he wanted to move on.

Two days later and DH is all over the shop again, highly emotional, his brother is in defensive mode (can't see what the problem is) - I think DH blames his brother for this more than his mum.

His mum called again (she's worried about the family being 'broken up'). They covered the same ground again and the conversation went around in the same circles.

DH can't seem to get comfortable with the fact that this kind of hurt can take time to heal. He's said he wants to move on and doesn't want to go NC at all, but it's like he's expecting to feel fine about it all already.

He's moping around, full of sorrow. My heart is breaking for him but I've said that families fight all the time, it'll take time etc. If indeed it ever gets back to the way it was.

How can I help him?

Honestly @indiesearcher - I don't know. I've got a similar situation with my DH in terms of how badly his family affect his mood, for similar reasons to yours.

What your DH probably needs, as does mine, is a good bout of counselling. Mine recognises this sometimes.

We may be a few years further down the line that you (now late forties/early fifties) and DH is pretty immune to their hoovering and very clear that they only push the relationship to keep up appearances and secure his continued help. It doesn't mean that any interaction with them at all doesn't tank his mood though. Twenty years of this has had a draining effect on our marriage and has definitely affected our DC, I'm appalled to admit (my parents died before they were born so I think I hung in there a bit too long).

I started slowly putting down the rope a few years ago and no longer play host at all or suggest any kind of contact with them at all. Most recently I don't even mention them and if he does I try to commiserate without saying anything and then gently change the subject. Let him repeatedly rant, and sometimes joining in, got us precisely no where so I'm seeing how this goes. He knows that I will support him by coming with him to see them, if he asks. He knows I will help practically as they get older, to a certain extent - but that's it.

Thanks @Crepusculum - yep, I think we are in a similar territory. My proposed way forward is as you suggest, but DH definitely won't consider counselling unfortunately 😞

I wouldn’t go no contact over it, that’s a bit extreme. But I would stop putting in so much effort. Lower my expectations and generally be less invested.

Your husband is going to get hurt repeatedly
His mother not really knowing about this, (excluding one side of the family on a joint family holiday)
How can she not have realised? She may not have set out to intentionally reject him/you all. But she just carried on anyway.
It is just blather. & your DH is so desperate to be included by his "family" he accepts it over & over.
He does need counseling.

I think this thread helps in that it makes me realise it's fairly normal to never get any time all e with young children. I seem to be surrounded by parents who get regular breaks and time to do their hobbies but our life just isn't like that atm.

*time alone

This must have been going on forever. This will be a very deep-seated family fault line. The brother must have been favouritised through childhood too. It's very possible your DH didn't totally notice it then, or wasn't able to call it, but now he can't ignore it.

The right course would be: we wanted to come too - they apologise/explain - a way round is found and you go too, a bit upset but then all having a nice time ... but now that's not really an option, as everything is too highly charged.

Drawing back is also an upsetting option. And will not resolve the hurt. One alternative is to take the lead: sit with MIL, say, right, this got messed up - DH is particularly hurt - not nice also for the kids - let's plan and set in stone some events/holiday(s) for the next 12 months. Maybe with BIL/SIL too.

I'm so sorry. These dynamics don't change. So the best your DH can do is take the lead a bit. There's no doubt he's loved, as I'm sure the children and you are. But favouritism is deep-veined and there's a pattern of exclusive communication that will always hurt DH. All you can do is try to protect him from it by making all arrangements very definite and well in advance, and turning a blind eye to anything else. They do love him. They're just insensitive.

It's a really tricky path. Totally understandable to want to cut them off. But I think ultimately that would be more damaging for him and the kids.

If he won't go for formal counselling, you could try to drip-feed it to him a bit ...

Sorry I added to wrong thread above 🤦‍♀️