Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift from a friend?

58 replies

Starryskiesinthesky · 20/02/2022 21:36

A friend sent me a cookbook as a present but when it arrived it was a secondhand library book and a bit grotty! I am fairly sure she didnt mean it to be like this but she has asked me about it and is coming round for dinner and so I dont know what to do. I thought about ditching it and buying a new version so that she wouldnt be embarrassed, or I could just not let her see it and make little reference to it (but that might seem rude!) or do I tell her? Help! What would you do?!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2022 23:35

Can you take off the awful cover, neatly remove any evidence fo the library and wipe it down? Other than your friends reaction, does it both you it's second hand? Is it a good cookbook? If so I'd try to make it look less like a library book and IF she asks to look at it, hand it over happily and WA. Lyrical about the recipe for strawberry and jackfruit roulade etc.

Lalliella · 20/02/2022 23:37

You sound like a sweet friend OP to be so concerned about your friend’s feelings that you’d buy a new version of the book. You could tell her you like it so much you’ve worn it out with use!

yourestandingonmyneck · 21/02/2022 08:41

Disappointed that so many people see this as an issue.

It's a book, not a pair of pants.

As one pp said, take the plastic library cover off and give it a bit of a clean.

Your friend sounds lovely to send such a thoughtful gift.

If it out of print, then that'll by why it's secondhand and it's the only option.

If it's not out of print, it was either a mistake or she chose to buy secondhand for eco reasons.

When possible I buy secondhand books over new, and so do a lot of people I know. A few stains on an old cookbook is not a big deal.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2022 08:44

@Lalliella

You sound like a sweet friend OP to be so concerned about your friend’s feelings that you’d buy a new version of the book. You could tell her you like it so much you’ve worn it out with use!

Assuming her friend isn't 3, I think she might see through the "I wore the book out since I got it last week" story.

The thing with buying second hand in Amazon is you're reliant on someone else's classification of quality.

Momijin · 21/02/2022 15:12

@yourestandingonmyneck

Disappointed that so many people see this as an issue.

It's a book, not a pair of pants.

As one pp said, take the plastic library cover off and give it a bit of a clean.

Your friend sounds lovely to send such a thoughtful gift.

If it out of print, then that'll by why it's secondhand and it's the only option.

If it's not out of print, it was either a mistake or she chose to buy secondhand for eco reasons.

When possible I buy secondhand books over new, and so do a lot of people I know. A few stains on an old cookbook is not a big deal.

This👆

Blossomtoes · 21/02/2022 15:15

I’d prefer a second hand copy. Much less wasteful. I buy a lot of books for my son and never buy a new copy if a second hand one’s available.

Nelliephant1 · 21/02/2022 15:18

I'd order a new one. Why upset snd embarrass her if you don't have to

Whitney168 · 21/02/2022 15:22

If she asks to see the book and expresses surprise at the condition, just tell her you buy second hand books yourself and were impressed she does too, better for the planet and all that. Don't go and buy a new one of something you might not even have particularly wanted.

(I also often buy secondhand books - why not if you can get it cheaper and save a bit more 'stuff' in the world.)

Crunchymum · 21/02/2022 15:24

@Starryskiesinthesky

Yes, I am 99% sure that she didnt know that she was ordering a second hand copy and would be mortified to think she had sent this one. That was why I thought about replacing it with a brand new copy so that she wouldnt realise!

Thanks though - I think if it comes up (which I am fairly sure it will) I will just tell her! She is a good friend so I should be able to!

So much angst and handwringing.

Would your friend really want you to go to the trouble and expense of replacing it? I'd assume not.

Is she gong to demand to see said book? Or demand a recipe from that exact book? (if so then you may have a different problem to the one you are posting about)

Make what you like for dinner and if the book comes up then tell her the truth.

Fatgalslim · 21/02/2022 15:25

Personally I'd leave it on the side where she'd see it and only comment if she mentions it. She may not have been able to afford new and you could embarrass her by saying something

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 15:28

I don't understand why this is something to be embarrassed over. It's not her fault and it's not your fault. You could have a laugh over it, actually. What's the big deal?

NameChanged15729 · 21/02/2022 15:42

I did this once. It was a complete accident and I was annoyed at myself for not checking and annoyed at the seller for selling a stained secondhand book for new prices.
It was a copy of The Gruffalo for my nephew so not anything hard to come by or out of print! I’d ordered him a toy to go with it thankfully so my sister realised it must have been an accident. She tactfully asked me whether I’d meant to send a book with blood stains inside it. I was pretty mortified at the time!

lovemelongtime · 21/02/2022 16:12

Tell her - no doubt about it - but obviously there's a nice way to do this. "I feel a bit embarrassed saying this but, that book you sent me, I'm sure you didnt realise but XXXXX"

LookItsMeAgain · 21/02/2022 16:28

@Starryskiesinthesky - I think you are on my wave length - that's why I thought about buying a new version - then she would just think that was what she had got me!
What if she got you the second hand version on purpose? Thinking it might have some recipe tips written into the book and you present her with this brand new version of the book. Surely then she's likely to say (if only to herself to begin with) "That's not what I ordered for Starry...where's the second hand version?"

Just ask her if she is aware that the version she sent you was an old library book at one point, just in case she thought she was ordering a new version so that she can take it up with the retailler???

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 16:28

She's probably ordered if from Ebay, and not really read the blurb properly

Notthatapple · 21/02/2022 16:40

I don't see why this needs to be a big deal.

If I was the friend and I saw it and it was in worse condition than I'd expected, I would just say "Oh gosh, I didn't realise it would be second-hand, what a pain! Ah dear, I'll have to get one from a proper bookshop next time! Here, let me see if I can clean that little bit for you...". And that would be that, really. I wouldn't be terribly embarrassed or expect you to be very upset.

Or she might think "Wow, the present obviously went down well - looks very well-used already!"

Definitely don't buy a new copy. That's awkward and unnecessary.

Eightiesfan · 21/02/2022 16:42

I would tell her, I sometimes buy used out of print books on Amazon and normally go for the very good or like new descriptions. Mostly they are fine, but I have also received books with yellowed pages, library stamps and creased covers.

I would never buy a second hand book to give as a gift, but if I did thinking it was a like new copy and it arrived in that state I’d be mortified and would certainly be returning it.

Somuddled · 21/02/2022 16:50

Bloody hell. What on earth is embarrassing about this? She bought you a book. In all likelihood she new it was secondhand. What's the big deal. I genuinely do understand what the issue is here? If she is coming over, pick a recipe, cook it and thank her for the gift. If she wants to see it, show it to her.

phishy · 21/02/2022 16:54

@MarieKlepto

How do you think she would feel if you showed her the book? And do you need to let her see it rather than just present food "cooked from the book"? Personally, I'd be really embarrassed if I'd unwittingly sent a friend a substandard gift and even if I never knew, I would love you for sparing me that!

This has to be one of the most self-serving things I've read.

DetailMouse · 21/02/2022 17:12

Is it a special, hard to come buy book? I've bought second hand books as gifts before when there's something particular that I want to get.

Either way I'd leave it where you'd expect it to be. If she looks she'll see it. If she asks about it you can say you tried xyz recipie

Rewis · 21/02/2022 17:20

I don't think this requires any action or saving anyone from embaressment. You got a second hand book that is usable. Maybe she did't think it was in such a bad condition if she notices you just say that it's fine. If she doesn't see it or it was on purpose then that's fine too.

elver · 21/02/2022 17:51

@Somuddled

Yes, just cook her something from the book for you both to enjoy together

HoneyFlowers · 21/02/2022 19:44

Don't understand what the fuss is about. She clearly thought of you and got you something you would like.

We have had second hand as presents and it's fine. I hope as a nation we're not becoming so spoilt.

Teeturtle · 21/02/2022 19:56

@Thewindwhispers

I’ve done this when buying books for myself, it’s annoyingly easy to buy second hand books on Amazon instead of new by accident

I have just received an ex library book today, I thought of this thread when I opened it. I rarely buy books as I use a book reader, I knew I was buying second hand but I didn’t expect that. Seems very cheeky.

MissMaple82 · 21/02/2022 20:03

What in earth is wrong with second hand books??!!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread