Feel like I've failed my DS

[bubbletrouble18]

I posted on another thread but there's not much traffic, so thought i would try AIBU. Sorry.

DS is nearly 5 and in the last 6 weeks we've noticed his behaviour has become out of control. I have spoken to his teacher about this who agrees that it's very hit and miss with him, he has full potential but his behaviour is holding him back. I've contacted the school nurse who is going to hopefully get back to me next week, and his teacher has also contacted her.

DS behaviour is always 100mph. Everything has to happen straight away. He doesn't walk, he sprints. Anger is rage, throwing, hitting, spitting, screaming. Happiness is screaming at the top of his lungs and running around at the speed of light. Sadness is sobbing, taking himself off and not wanting any comfort. He hates the attention being on anyone else. If DH and I are chatting, he stands between us talking over us, or starts doing something that will catch our attention (like drawing on walls). He is very rough with his little brother who is 11 months. I've wondered if it's a bit of a delayed response to suddenly having a sibling, but he has always been lovely with his brother and very caring/good at sharing.

No matter how much we take him out, what we do, where we go, how long we do it for, he NEVER runs out of energy. Our living room is an assault course for him, his bedroom is a fighting ring and he cannot sit still or concentrate on ANYTHING for more than 5 minutes. I don't think I've ever seen him sit still for more than that. If we don't get what he's asked for or do what he wants within a second he will run off to his room screaming and having a tantrum. I never leave him to it and always try to comfort/reason with him and tell him how much I love him and how I understand things can be hard sometimes.

He also doesn't stop talking, I mean does.not.stop. Even if he's using the toilet, he talks, brushing his teeth, he talks, eating, he talks.

He is such a lovely, caring boy, and he is so bright. Amazing with his reading and writing, his maths is coming along really well and he's never missed any milestones or regressed. He gets 11 hours of sleep at night, and a good diet (we've become very strict with sugar/unhealthy snacks).

I'm at a lose. I feel like I've failed him, and failed everyone. I'm trying so hard to be firm but fair, burn his energy, take him to all sorts of fun places, let him have some calm time, he has a good routine, a good social circle etc.

What am I doing wrong?? Do I need to speak to his HV/GP also? I'm really struggling as I'm starting to worry every single morning about what the day will bring.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just desperate.

You haven’t failed him, of course you haven’t.

From your post it sounds like he probably has ADHD. But if I’m right this isn’t diagnosed until age 7 in the UK, and that’s because it’s harder to know for in a young child. So you have absolutely not failed him.

If I was you I’d ask for a referral from the GP, and get a meeting set up with school: his teacher and the SENCO. Establish what exactly the issues are with his behaviour in school, and discuss what their suggested strategies are.

Good luck OP.

@Covidpositive19

You haven’t failed him, of course you haven’t.

From your post it sounds like he probably has ADHD. But if I’m right this isn’t diagnosed until age 7 in the UK, and that’s because it’s harder to know for in a young child. So you have absolutely not failed him.

If I was you I’d ask for a referral from the GP, and get a meeting set up with school: his teacher and the SENCO. Establish what exactly the issues are with his behaviour in school, and discuss what their suggested strategies are.

Good luck OP.

All of this.

You haven’t failed him. Not one little bit.

Screams ADHD or ASD here. I have both. One of my children has one, one has just ADHD. All 3 of us have very different presentations but my only ADHD child presented like this.

@Covidpositive19 @Bagelsandbrie

Thank you both for your lovely words. I have done some limited reading on ADHD but I haven't wanted to self-diagnose him. Looking back even when was 2 he had these characteristics, hyperactivity, very aggressive tantrums etc but it's so difficult trying to distinguish between a passing phase or something more.

His teach has said to "watch and wait" but definitely start to get the ball rolling in the mean time. I'll contact his GP this morning and email the school nurse again.

@LightfoldEngines - thank you for your reply, it's interesting to see how the characteristics present. Do you have any advice on seeking some advice/support for him? I really want to help him as much as I can because DH and I can see he really struggles with his emotions, it must be so overwhelming for him xx

Agree with others about getting him assessed for ASD/ADHD.

Has he always been like this or did it all begin when starting school? Is in in reception or year 1? He's had a lot of big changes in the last 12 months really with school and a sibling. I'm not surprised He's finding it hard.

Something you mentioned about never leaving him alone. My DS is suspected to have autism (we're waiting on the assessment outcome). He's better at calming down when he is left to do it alone and by himself. He cannot be reasoned with TBH. He's at an age now where he has a good understanding of his own emotions and even he says he is better being left alone. Something to think about.

Sorry OP, you are going to need to essentially self-diagnose him in order to get help because that's how the 'system' works in the UK. You haven't 'failed him' - you are his advocate. Read and learn as much as possible. 'The Explosive Child' is a good start. I suspect if you think about family history you will find others who had these traits as children. Maybe they will have tips.

Definitely ASD and or ADHD - they often cooccur. I'd get him on the waiting lists immediately because they're long, and adhd can be diagnosed from 5/6 if it's severe.

Quite the opposite of failing him, you’re being brave enough to face up to the fact he might need additional help and support rather than just brushing behaviours under the carpet as ‘just being a boy’. Others have given good advice- I would personally speak to your GP & the school about what help they can give you & getting him some kind of assessment

I'm sure this will be fine. Be kind to yourself op.

You haven't failed him.

He has very classic symptoms of ADHD.

It's very likely his sensory modulation is completely immature and that's why he can't sit still.

Have you got a garden? A swing is excellent for this type of thing.

Adhd it would seem to me… push for a diagnosis through school but especially your GP. Then also consider private once you set those appointments and meetings up x

Sounds similar to my DS. I got him assessed because I thought he had ADHD. He actually has a vestibulary processing disorder and a proprioceptive disorder. I was quite shocked as I’d never heard of them, but they fit him and what you’ve described for your son. Basically, they don’t have the right sense of balance internally, so they constantly move and make noise to help balance themselves? They picked it up during an ADHD assessment and he does OT to help with it, but it took over a year to do the initial assessment and get a diagnosis so prepare yourself for the long haul (just for the assessment I mean!).
Once I got the diagnosis, I felt so much better! It explains their behaviour in ways you can understand and that means you can manage them more easily? Goodluck!

@bubbletrouble18

Hugs and sympathies as I remember that feeling of failing...

I agree with the others up thread about ADHD. I'm a psychiatrist with a child with ADHD.

School went from bad to worse for us and we decided to go private for assessment. We saw a CAHMS Consultant rather than a psychologist (who can't prescribe) as I already knew a lot about the risks/benefits of medication Vs the long term outcomes from not treating ADHD, and we knew we would want to let him try treatment if he was diagnosed.

He was diagnosed of course, started treatment at 5.5. It would be no exaggeration to say that it has been life-changing for him.

ADHD is under resourced and under diagnosed in this country. It is an absolute scandal of our times. You just have to do what you can and that seems to mean, for many, stepping out of the NHS.

I hope that might improve one day so that the 1 in 20 children with this can be recognised and properly supported.

Thank you all, these are really reassuring responses.

@Yogurtpotofdoom thank you for your advice on what to do when he is overwhelmed/have a meltdown. DH agrees with you and has always said to leave him to it, but I hate the idea of him feeling like we don't care. Also, 9/10 when he does go off he starts trashing his room/throwing his toys/breaking things and I'm just at a loss as to what to do. And yes I completely agree there has been a huge amount of change for him. He went through the typical change in behaviour that you'd expect from a child starting reception, but as his teachers have agreed he's never really come out of it and it's just getting worse and worse.

@Psychonabike I have read about the medication and like you have thought about the pros and cons of both, but I keep hearing/reading from a lot of people that the mediation has been life changing for both the child and their family. It's something we will definitely discuss.

I think those of you who have suggested seeking private appointments are right. I'm going to contact his GP today and once (hopefully) some form of referral is made I'll start looking into private help near us.

Xx

Are there any consequences for his behaviour?

You sound permissive
I’d have him medicated
Sounds out of control

@ThatsNotMyGolem yes, when we discussed his behaviour with his school when I first started getting concerned they said how they use a "thinking chair" when he needs to calm down or has misbehaved. They advised we do the same so there is consistency between school and at home.

We also take away privileges, such as screen time, the toy he has thrown, starts off his reward chart etc.

We are very anti-physical discipline (smacking).

I'm so worried we're not being firm enough, or too firm, or not using the right techniques. I'm hoping the GP can put me into contact with a parenting class where I can learn some strategies from other parents/professionals for children like DS.

@haikyew

You sound permissive I’d have him medicated Sounds out of control

I'm not sure how using time out, removing privileges, using a reward chart, taking him out as much as possible to burn his energy, ensuring he helps tidy up any mess he makes, reaching out to his school and GP is permissive.

And I'm not sure how I can medicate him without all the relevant appointments/referrals - but thank you for your input. Very helpful.

@haikyew

You sound permissive I’d have him medicated Sounds out of control

You sound like an arsehole. HTH.

I agree with the others that you need to go to the GP about this and try to get an ADHD assessment. The whole thing takes a long time though so in the meantime here are some suggestions:
My son with ADHD likes to do two things at once - at that age he listened to stories (we have an old non internet connected ipod that he used) non-stop. So he would be playing lego and listening to a story/kicking a football and listening to a story etc.
You also say 'you never leave him to it' - I am sure what you mean is you reassure him you are there for him etc. But sometimes children with ADHD constantly seek stimulus and so you 'being there' can prolong an argument or an upset. If he is safe, then suggest an activity and walk away.

I thought my DC had ADHD as his Father has. The assessment he had though was a full neurological assessment not just looking at ADHD. He was diagnosed as being Autistic though they said he may also have ADHD but that would need to checked again in a few years. They said the ADHD side of things may actually calm down when he has support for the struggles he has related to being Autistic.
So my advice would be not to just focus on ADHD and make sure the doctors are looking at all possibilities. Plus to ignore the ignorant poster who’s talking shit!

For those of you who have asked about if this is "new" behaviour. I would say that although it has ramped up in recent weeks, and definitely not improved since starting school, he has always had these characteristics. His 2 year check up with his HV, she mentioned his meltdown/throwing etc and said it's something to keep an eye on as in her experience they are traits of those with ADHD/Autism. I just (stupidly) dismissed it as a phase I guess.

@Iknowitisheresomewhere thank you so much for that idea! We have some headphones for him so I might try to dig out an old MP3 or iPod and give that a whirl.

@Userblabla I completely agree, I don't want to sign him off on one thing so definitely want to keep my mind open to anything and everything. He may well have no diagnosis, but I can't help but feel it's not "normal" behaviour. Not to come across as offensive to anyone at all saying that.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement xx

I found the book Calmer Easier Happier Boys helpful. Since my DC’s diagnosis and us changing the way we parent him he is a lot calmer and we’re all happier. I just need to get school on board now!

I have no particular advice OP but just wanted to say you sound like a very good parent and i hope you find the answers you're looking for. Look after yourself as well.

You sound like an amazing mum! And you have an 11 month old!!! There is NO way that you have caused this behaviour in him, it is developmental and would have happened even if you'd been an awful disciplinarian. Talking with the school for as much support as they can give, start involving your GP but while labels help with the system, what you're doing in talking to school and exploring what helps him is amazing. Sensory things might help him, like brushing or a weighted sleeveless jacket, the school may have ideas if they've a good SENCO, or your GP. He might like headphones and music, or a mini trampoline, it is a bit trial and error! Try not to worry about what the day brings, he will have a hundred experiences in a day and some can be positive even if some aren't, and it's a learning curve as you get to know what helps him in a school setting and he will get better at telling or showing you what he needs. I really think you sound like you are extremely patient and kind with him, he is very lucky