Not ok for him to go for a drink with her

WhatIsAcceptable · 2022-02-20T16:08:05+00:00

In line with my other thread asking if it is ok for a single woman to ask out a married man for drinks when she fancies him… AIBU to think it is not OK for a married man to agree go out for drinks with a single woman on their own saying it is because they are friends, when he knows she has a crush on him. YABU - it is fine for him to do this YANBU - it’s not fine for him to do this

allgreythings · 20/02/2022 16:13

What is he hoping to get from this friendship?

Comedycook · 20/02/2022 16:14

That's a date

RedWingBoots · 20/02/2022 16:16

He should agree and bring a single male friend with him, or his wife if he doesn't have one.

MistyFrequencies · 20/02/2022 16:16

I wouldn't be happy if my husband did this. Fine for him to go for a drink with a female friend, but not if it's clear that that female friend has more than platonic interest in him. That completely changes dynamics and I'd feel disrespected if he chose to do that.

DiddyHeck · 20/02/2022 16:19

What's with the two threads? Surely you could've combined the two?

CailleachGranda · 20/02/2022 16:20

What newspaper is this for?

Hunderland · 20/02/2022 16:23

Will we get a third thread asking from the wife's point of view?

WonderfulYou · 20/02/2022 16:46

If I knew a man had a crush on me I would be going out for drinks with him as that’s just giving them false hope.

I’d like to know how you know she definitely has a crush on him though.

Gowithme · 20/02/2022 16:48

It's nice to meet your OH's friends so you should go along too.

ILikeCrumpetsAndTrumpets · 20/02/2022 16:54

It depends what "knows she has a crush on him" actually means. Does it mean she actually has a crush on him or does it mean his wife has decided she must have a crush on him?

If he knows she has a crush on him, and hasn't been very clear with her that their friendship is entirely platonic and this interaction absolutely does not and will not result in any kind of escalation or alteration then he's out of order.

If his wife has decided of her own accord that she fancies him because all married men just must be fancied by their single female friends then he's not being unreasonable to drop his friends because of his wife's assumptions.

It's also worth factoring in things like relationship breakdown. Imagine if you had a close married friend that you met through a hobby and you'd meet up for drinks and lunches and days out. Then, your husband leaves you, and suddenly your friend is no longer allowed to be friends with you on the same terms because his wife says so. Seems a bit silly - if one party would cheat, why assume the other wouldn't? It makes no sense to view single women as more predatory than married women. And plenty of people have affairs with someone of the same sex too...

ILikeCrumpetsAndTrumpets · 20/02/2022 16:55

**to NOT drop his friends

Sorry - missed a word.

Original poster

WhatIsAcceptable · 20/02/2022 23:37

@DiddyHeck

What's with the two threads? Surely you could've combined the two?

So there could be separate voting.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatIsAcceptable · 20/02/2022 23:39

@CailleachGranda

What newspaper is this for?

None. It’s to show two friends what a range of people think about their behaviour.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/02/2022 23:39

Of course it’s not fine. Obviously.

Notimeforaname · 20/02/2022 23:42

You're over invested in your two friends lives.
Two threads weren't needed. The answer is the same.

Kite22 · 21/02/2022 00:02

@ILikeCrumpetsAndTrumpets

It depends what "knows she has a crush on him" actually means. Does it mean she actually has a crush on him or does it mean his wife has decided she must have a crush on him?

If he knows she has a crush on him, and hasn't been very clear with her that their friendship is entirely platonic and this interaction absolutely does not and will not result in any kind of escalation or alteration then he's out of order.

If his wife has decided of her own accord that she fancies him because all married men just must be fancied by their single female friends then he's not being unreasonable to drop his friends because of his wife's assumptions.

It's also worth factoring in things like relationship breakdown. Imagine if you had a close married friend that you met through a hobby and you'd meet up for drinks and lunches and days out. Then, your husband leaves you, and suddenly your friend is no longer allowed to be friends with you on the same terms because his wife says so. Seems a bit silly - if one party would cheat, why assume the other wouldn't? It makes no sense to view single women as more predatory than married women. And plenty of people have affairs with someone of the same sex too...

Didn't see the other thread, but all of this makes sense to me.

I feel this is a loaded question, so there is probably a completely different side to the whole situation.

Bromse · 21/02/2022 00:07

If she definitely fancies him, he shouldn't be going. He needs to keep her at arms length.

It's quite common with colleagues and there's nothing wrong with that.

Arnia · 21/02/2022 00:10

Definitely not. If he was my husband he'd be dangerously close to divorce territory.

Original poster

WhatIsAcceptable · 21/02/2022 00:11

@Notimeforaname

You're over invested in your two friends lives. Two threads weren't needed. The answer is the same.

The female friend suggested I post the poll here as she wanted to show that most people thought it would be ok.

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 21/02/2022 01:15

What newspaper is this for?

OP can spell, so not the Guardian. No mention of Diana, so not the Express. It's not very coherent; I'm going for the Mail.

Is this loose woman an immigrant, OP? I bet she voted remain too.

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2022 01:19

Why have your friends tasked you as their moral compass and researcher?

0pheliaBaIIs · 21/02/2022 09:23

@Comedycook

That's a date

This.

Chestofdraws · 21/02/2022 09:27

I’d be fine with it unless I thought my partner was likely to cheat with her. Otherwise I’d expect him to be straight and tell her it wasn’t happening but happy to remain friends.

1FootInTheRave · 21/02/2022 09:29

Absolutely not okay.

BowerOfBramble · 21/02/2022 09:30

It depends doesn’t it. I’ve got a friend who’s had a “crush” on me for years and years, absolutely no interest in him at all. I don’t seek out his company but if he suggested a post work drink or we were at the same event I wouldn’t feel I had to automatically say no. But that’s a situation of long standing and isn’t going to change. OP’s “friends” situation may be newer? Certainly if my husband had a new colleague who declared she fancied him and then asked him out for a drink, I’d be expecting him to say no to that.