to be concerned about DiL locking us all in.

[Sazzasez]

Staying with DH at home of DiL & 2 grandsprogs. DiL has always been very anxious about security, break-ins etc. This is quite reasonable, but she seems to be elaborating precautions & I worry it’s putting herself and us at risk.
This time around: kitchen locked, front door blocked with a board, 2 bolts, 1 bolt also jammed with a screwdriver, 2 deadbolt locks, and one ordinary lock. All except the last I could open (took about 10 minutes) but the key is nowhere to be seen.
I wanted to pop out to the local shops while everyone was still asleep in the morning, and I could not get out.
I find this terrifying: what on earth would happen if there was a fire?
The home is a second & third floor maisonette so way too high to get out of the window. The kitchen window opens onto the walkway, which is presumably why she also locks the kitchen at night.
Am I being unreasonable to think it could be a little easier to get out, without making it easier to get in?
Any advice on how I address this...

Was stepson involved in drugs or other unsavoury activity? Sounds like she thinks someone is going to come looking for him via her.

The whole situation is very unsafe from a fire escape perspective. She needs professional advice on how to keep the place secure whilst maintaining safety of the occupants.

@Sazzasez

Son (stepson in fact) is not in the picture. He went awol around the time they were made homeless & has not been in the picture since. Doesn’t answer calls from his daughters or his Dad.

Yes: she clearly has anxiety issues. She comes by them very honestly.

It’s council housing (quite good standard). She had them change the locks when they moved in (previous temporary accommodation they’d been in had a door not properly fixed from being obviously kicked in).

A fire brigade plan might help. Thank you for the suggestion.

Fire brigade is defiantly worth talking to to get a visit. Nephew recently joined. Apparently they know and visit all the “vulnerable” (ie high risk) properties in the area such as borders or security OCD on referal from social services, so they’d defiantly want to visit.

My nephew says hang your keys right next to the front door. Obvious not in reach of letter box or so could be seen. He says a lot of people are found dead form smoke inhalation right be the front door when they’ve been overcome trying to get out and find keys.

Hoarders not borders

I'd get anxiety from being locked in like that... sorry your DIL has had such a rotten time, but agree with PPs that someone needs to talk sense into her b/o fire safety. I hope you get it sorted without straining relationships.

I have a friend who had a very abusive past.

She had two bolts on the front door, two on the back, alarms on all doors and the windows were permanently locked.

She went to bed with the keys that she kept in her bedside table that was then locked and she hid the key in a shoebox in her wardrobe.

To me it always seemed extreme, but to her it was the only thing that kept the safe at night.

I slept over a couple of times when DD was tiny and she instead kept the keys on the landing if for whatever reason I needed them. It must have made her uncomfortable because she got up at the crack of dawn both times despite the fact everyone was still asleep.

I agree that if she has company then you NEED access to the keys.

My nephew says hang your keys right next to the front door.

People use magnets now to get door keys - and not just burglars.

Keys should be easily accessible in an emergency but not by the front door.

I lock my door and leave the key in the lock on the inside. Should I not do this?

@elisenbrunnen

She lives in a 2nd and 3rd floor maisonette? How does she think intruders are going to get in?

I think you're confusing burglars and daleks.

I think the anxiety sounds pretty reasonable given what she has been through and that the fire escape plan sounds the best option, together with making the security easy to get out from but not easy to get in. This can be achieved with simple flaps that you just operate by hand from the inside but you can't operate from the outside. No losing keys etc.

I bet people calling the OP's dil weird haven't had to suffer a break-in during the night whilst they were in the house. I did as a child and it traumatised me.

Jesus. Yeah that's dangerous

I think the DIL can do what she wants in her own home. How long are you staying with her, @Sazzasez?

@Howshouldibehave

I think the DIL can do what she wants in her own home. How long are you staying with her, *@Sazzasez*?

Would that include letting the children play with knives and eat rotten food? Or other things that put them at risk?

Making the house so secure that no one could get in or out in an emergency also puts the children at risk.

Bless her, I really feel for her actually. From your description she's had to be strong for her family during some really tough times and this is her way of trying to stay in control of everything.
Whilst the suggestions of getting advice and input about fire safety sound sensible, I'd worry about this just giving her a whole new focus for her anxiety.
Are you in a position to give her more support OP or help her to seek some sort of help for her anxiety. She sounds quite troubled and pointing out the risks in a logical way might do little to help here.

Jytd, I've suffered a break in, and i can't stand over lockers, I am not traumatised

@Howshouldibehave

I think the DIL can do what she wants in her own home. How long are you staying with her, *@Sazzasez*?

Including turning it into a death trap?

Thank you!

Yes: I feel for her & realise it’s an expression of her anxieties.

We try to support & help, but we live 250 miles away.

Thank you to everyone who commented.

Couple of things:

• to whoever it was who thought stepson might be fearing a drugs vendetta: they are 5 years & 4 moves from living with him, she doesn’t use his surname, & he doesn’t know (or apparently care) where they are.

Plus I’m pretty sure he was never a drug dealer.

But it might make a great script.

• I realise it’s her anxiety & a feeling of isolation that makes her do this rather than a rational risk assessment. When stepson went awol, 5 years ago, it was the first time she’d been the only adult in any household she’d ever lived in. It bears no relation to the actual risks of crime based on the area.

Sooo - I have to balance her anxieties with our fears about being burned to death as we scrabble to open the door, and our fears for her & the grandsprogs’ safety.

We don’t really have an option to not stay: we live 250 miles away & couldn’t afford hotels, bnb etc. Plus part of the Joy is just hanging out with them.

She was apologetic that we couldn’t get out the other morning (the keys were under her pillow).

I said it was a terrible fire hazard but I didn’t labour the point.

What I did do was put a hook on the wall near, but not next to, the door. DH said “look, here’s a useful hook for your keys! Just in case you can’t find them!”

As of this morning, keys are on hook.

Fingers crossed..!

@JamMakingWannaBe

I lock my door and leave the key in the lock on the inside. Should I not do this?

I think it depends on the set up. I leave my key in the lock but it can’t be reached from outside through a window (or any other way). I wouldn’t if there was a window right there that could be smashed so someone could reach in and unlock it.

Also my lock requires a key to turn it (as in, there’s no other handle or anything even on the inside) so there’s no point keeping the key elsewhere. It would be different with the type of lock that you can just turn and open from the inside (while remaining locked from outside)

@AdobeWanKenobi