to be concerned about DiL locking us all in.

[Sazzasez]

Staying with DH at home of DiL & 2 grandsprogs. DiL has always been very anxious about security, break-ins etc. This is quite reasonable, but she seems to be elaborating precautions & I worry it’s putting herself and us at risk.
This time around: kitchen locked, front door blocked with a board, 2 bolts, 1 bolt also jammed with a screwdriver, 2 deadbolt locks, and one ordinary lock. All except the last I could open (took about 10 minutes) but the key is nowhere to be seen.
I wanted to pop out to the local shops while everyone was still asleep in the morning, and I could not get out.
I find this terrifying: what on earth would happen if there was a fire?
The home is a second & third floor maisonette so way too high to get out of the window. The kitchen window opens onto the walkway, which is presumably why she also locks the kitchen at night.
Am I being unreasonable to think it could be a little easier to get out, without making it easier to get in?
Any advice on how I address this...

Omg, I couldn't bear that! I'd sooner stay in a house with the doors wide open than locked like that, it sounds really extreme.

I have a bit of a thing about the possibility of being trapped in a building that's on fire and used to have recurring dreams about it (no idea why, they just started for no apparent reason when I was in my early 20s).

I'd speak to your son. If her anxiety about intruders has got worse gradually, he may well have got used to it. And the suggestion of a fire assessment is a great one.

Fire is so much more a risk of harm than burglary.

My front door needs a key to open so the key lives in the lock and before bed I always remind guests that they’d need to turn it if they had to get out.

I couldn’t stay there and I think the fire brigade check is a great idea if they offer it. They’re horrified by homes like this. It’s just so dangerous.

I have tghe same problem with my DP - he'd once been 'invaded' by the local gits who got in through a bathroom window. Result is that now there are no window that open - they are all locked. The front door locks with a key, which he then almost 'hides' away.

i refuse to stay overnight, it's so claustrophobic - and dangerous in a fire.

The smell due to no ventilation is the least of it. He is so paranoid that if we go out, he'll hide his keys in my house! And it takes about 10 minutes to get out of the house - checking all the doors, the windows, the gate, then the doors again....

That level of anxiety is not normal.

While I agree that it's wise to keep doors locked while you're in due to the risk of sneak in burglaries, you also have to consider the need to escape if there's a fire. Sadly, people have died due to not being able to find their keys if a fire breaks out.

So perhaps talk to her from that point of view, and ask the local fire brigade for advice. Also look on the local police website for security advice that's proportionate and not otherwise a personal safety risk.

Telling her she is bonkers or that it is a fire risk is not going to work. Do some research and walk around the house with her, pointing out how it's impossible for anyone to get in x, y and z. Thus she might be able to live with less bolts etc.

How about buying her an alarm system?

Where does she live?

If anywhere other than Mogadishu, then this is just a bit weird (and dangerous).

When I say he hides his keys in my house - we once went on holiday for a week and he hid his keys in my loft! He does recognise that this is OCD and not normal.

When I go up to bed I have to make sure that the hall is clear of shoes/bags etc for a clear exit.

Those suggestions for different locks sound good, but she really needs to think about what to do in case of a fire.

She lives in a 2nd and 3rd floor maisonette? How does she think intruders are going to get in?

An elderly neighbour popped out for a drink at the British Legion. His wife put the chain on the front door, shut the sitting room door, took her hearing aids out and settled down to an evening of loud television. He came to us, very distressed. His wife didn't even hear my husband hacksawing through the chain!

Anyone who prioritises protecting their stuff over protecting their family in case of a fire should probably seek some help there. Really messed up. Nothing in their house is more important than them!

@Onlyforcake

Anyone who prioritises protecting their stuff over protecting their family in case of a fire should probably seek some help there. Really messed up. Nothing in their house is more important than them!

I get really nervous about burglars, it keeps me awake at night sometimes. Its about them being in the house with me and The children. Not about stuff!

We can all open the front door though.

Keys should never be left near doors.

They should be in a safe an accessible place to all, away from doors. This is what LFB told us when they came to do our fire safety plan.

If you cannot get out of a door the easiest way out of house in a fire is usually through a window if there's a landing / corridor / terrace / lower ground roof below. Again, LFB advised us of alternative routes out.

I wonder if there's a lot you don't know about her ex, and I also wonder if she's worried about whoever kicked the door in returning. Perhaps there's more the story than you are aware of?

Perhaps it's not being burgled she is actually worried about - and more women die in domestic violence incidents per year than they do in fires.

Could you find out information about fires and kids dying in fires to show her the risk?

Maybe consider a ring doorbell which alerts her anytime someone comes to the door and so that she can see that there aren't intruders cruising around all the time.

@Sazzasez

Son (stepson in fact) is not in the picture. He went awol around the time they were made homeless & has not been in the picture since. Doesn’t answer calls from his daughters or his Dad.

Yes: she clearly has anxiety issues. She comes by them very honestly.

It’s council housing (quite good standard). She had them change the locks when they moved in (previous temporary accommodation they’d been in had a door not properly fixed from being obviously kicked in).

A fire brigade plan might help. Thank you for the suggestion.

Obviously she's really anxious, but does she have reason to be?

Is it a dodgy area? Has there been trouble recently?

that sounds frightening - in the event of a fire

@elisenbrunnen

She lives in a 2nd and 3rd floor maisonette? How does she think intruders are going to get in?

Walking up the stairs, along the walkway and kicking the door down (or through the window) going by where I used to live. Sometimes they even waited for people to go out before doing it. But not always as they're such isolated areas with poor visibility at the best of times.

I would wonder whether the ex had to disappear for some reason. That could also go some way into explaining why she's so terrified, too.

Very extreme, she sounds as though she could do with some help with anxiety

@Susu49

This is so excessive it suggests she has an underlying anxiety issue which needs to be addressed.

I completely agree about the fire risk, she needs an escape plan and every member needs to be confident at opening the locks quickly and on a rush.

Fire brigades often offer home safety assessments which might be an idea. There are also locks that can be opened from the inside without a key for fire safety - I think there's a legal requirement to have these in rental properties - again, professionals can advise on this.

Or she's just an idiot, they do exists you know, not everything requires more call on the NHS.

Oh that’s so sad.
There’s maybe something she’s not telling you
Something she won’t share with you

I’d maybe call her Health Visitor ? If the kids still have one? She may want to talk to the nursery nurse - they come round and go over safety risks in the house too?
Poor lamb is afraid of something. Can you speak to her own mother/sister/family?

Now you’ve given the added info about your stepson walking out and the homelessness, I think she’s suffering from anxiety. Obviously you need to start with the fire escape plan but she needs longer term support with her mental health. It’s a big plus for her that you’ve stayed around to help but she needs to talk to her go.

My Dad is like this. All the windows are locked at night, with the keys not in the locks. The patio doors to the conservatory are locked, with keys placed miles away, outer conservatory door also locked, with keys hidden elsewhere. The back door is locked and key hidden, this door also has two iron bolts, that are so stiff you can't budge them. Front door locked and keys hidden. Heating on full blast, so the house is BOILING. When I was staying there, I worked myself up into a complete panic trying to get out. When I finally got out the back door, there were FIVE bolts on the back gate. The whole scenario made me feel so trapped I felt ill. My fear was also the fire hazard aspect.

@elisenbrunnen

She lives in a 2nd and 3rd floor maisonette? How does she think intruders are going to get in?

Up the stairs? 🙄

Does she live in a very rough area and feel vulnerable?

What needs to be addressed urgently is the risk of being trapped in the event of a fire.