Heroin addict mother - difficult content

[bexxboo]

First time ever ever shared this on a social media platform..

So when me and my siblings were 3, 5 & 9 (me being the eldest) our mother decided to start using heroin with our foster teenager. (Parents took teenagers in from difficult backgrounds)

She had a history of smoking and drinking too much, so then for some fucking unbeknown reason became a heroin addict with 3 children to care for. My father obviously kicked her and her 'boyfriend' out. He used to work 12 hour days so she could get away with everything. She was always drunk by 12, always popping out with this 19 year old. I had to look after my siblings, we missed so much school because she couldn't get out of bed etc.

There is SO much more to the story that I'm not going to get into, but long story short my our father raised us on his own while working and battling court case after court case. He won, and she wasn't allowed contact with us until we were 18.

I contacted her when I came of age, I'm 29 now and I still can't forgive her. I've met her, spoken on the phone, but she doesn't know me at all. I found myself saying things like 'when I was 15 I used to...' which is weird to say to your own mother.

I've suffered from depression my entire life, it began when she left. I've actually tried confining in her about my mental health but she's so fucking unhelpful. Maybe I feel like she owes me? I have my own daughter she's 4 now, and for some reason I was on the phone to my mother yesterday just saying how hard I'm finding it being a single mother with no help, why the hell i did this I've no idea, I almost said 'I could always try heroin' but thought better of it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I tried to have a relationship with my mother, but I just don't like her very much, she's a different person face to face but on the phone she's a fucking twat.

I can't forgive her, I can't move past what she did to us. I look at my DD and think my god I could never do what my own mother did. My siblings will never have anything to do with her and my father hopes she dies.

I was the oldest so I remember way too much than I wish to. She emptied our savings, we lost our house, she beat my dad up, she threatened to put us all in a car and drive off a cliff, she was a prostitute for a while, slept with various men while dad was at work.

This was 20 years ago but I still have awful flashbacks. In 20 years my little brother has not mentioned her once, and will walk away from any conversation if it involves her. My sister just full on hates her.

It's such a sad sad affair and as a family we have suffered the consequences.

She's fine now! Has a job, has a nice little flat, a boyfriend. She even said life is good when I last spoke to her.

Sorry for the long post, this isn't even 1/4 of it. I just don't know how to deal with it going forward.

Are there any positives to having a relationship with her? I think I would be like your siblings and move forward without her in my life.

That sounds utterly awful OP. I'm sorry you had such a terrible mother and that she is still self-centred and unable to be a mother to you. Have you ever had therapy to help you work through your own feelings about it all?

That must have been horrendous for you. Your mother sounds deeply troubled and also incredibly selfish. You won't change her. She won't ever be the mother you deserve and want I'm afraid. Not exactly the same situation but my father was an alcoholic. Addicts are so selfish. I'm convinced I have some form of ptsd from growing up in that environment and it sounds like you might have too?

I've actually tried confining in her about my mental health but she's so fucking unhelpful.
Oh Bexx.
Don't bother again. She's hardly the bastion of mental wellbeing herself, & has nothing to offer you.
However ... you do deserve to have someone support & advise you about your MH. Have you ever received therapy? Please investigate this, your GP is a good place to start.
It is absolutely normal for child abuse memories & troubling emotions to resurface when we have our own children. It's hard to believe that our parent could behave as they did to their own child - it takes a lot of reconciling (within yourself I mean - NOT with the abusive parent.)

Maybe I feel like she owes me?
She does, but that debt will never get settled.
All you can do with this feeling is reframe it: you looked after yourself & your siblings from a very young age. You are capable of looking after yourself through this period in your life - except THIS time, you will have access to expert help. Please do this for yourself. Your mother has nothing of value to give you, so - as always - you have to give it to yourself.

I almost said 'I could always try heroin' but thought better of it.

You are fucking magnificent, & I wish you had!

Oh wow. This sounds so difficult.

I would say that you need to think of yourself first. You’re not getting anything from this relationship and it’s probably making you more resentful.

You want her to be someone who she’s not, you, understandably, want a mum. But she’s never going to be that for you, not in the way that you want.

Tbh I’d continue with your close relationship ships with siblings and dad. Maybe send a Xmas card etc but I think it’s a matter of self preservation here.

A therapist one told me that some people cannot change their outlook on the world (my mother is like this, but has done nothing like yours) and they will never be able to change this. The only person who can change anything is you; and that means making a choice about what your relationship is, and if you even want one. Xx

I think you have to try to accept that she will never be what you wish she would be and she probably doesn't understand what she put all through because she was so completely and utterly wrapped up in herself. I agree with the pp that said she sounds deeply troubled, it sounds like for whatever reason she can only see things from her point of view and has a complete lack of empathy. I would expect that she probably also has extremely low self esteem.

I have no idea how you move past all you have been through, perhaps try to keep in mind that hers were not the actions of a stable, happy person and for whatever reason she was completely out of control. I wonder what led her to go down that path. I think you have to keep your expectations of her extremely low and keep contact to what you can manage (if you want it to continue), if you don't like talking to her on the phone then only text or see her. You don't have to put yourself through any more trauma.

I would avoid looking to her for support, have you had counselling because I think it could be a huge help to you in unravelling and handling all you have been through and your current relationship. It's somewhere that you can safely let out all your hurt, anger and resentment. It does also sound like you could be suffering from PTSD as you say you still have flashback. Please get some help you really deserve it.

I am really sorry you went through that, but why do you want a relationship with her? She is a horrible person and you deserve far better. I know she is your mother, but only biologically. She had no part of your upbringing. Your dad did all of that. She will never change or care about what she did. She won't apologise.

I'd want to have it out with her though. Tell her how she let us down, yell at her, tell her how she is a horrible excuse for a mother and cannot call herself one. Then walk away and never see her again. But you don't have to, you can just walk away and never speak to her again. You'll be happier for it. She owes you so much, but really you still deserve more than what she could give.

Hello Bexx,
I'm sorry to read this.
It's hideous.

There is so much to unravel here and I'm sorry to sound negative but she's not a positive influence in your life, she's created to much damage and the ptsd she's left you with is probably getting worse with your contact.

You do however have a wonderful dad who kept you safe, siblings who love you and appreciate you and most importantly a beautiful child of your own.
I was a single mum of a four year old too, I met my wonderful DP a year later and although it was a different time (not covid!) Back then it was also a magical time, despite its hardships.

Your mum won't ever understand what she's done unless she was put through similar from her own DM, she can't comprehend.
I've had this with my parents, who can't ever understand the traumas they left me with, they also for their own egos rewrote lots of the bad things I endured. Lots of shitty parents do this.

Concentrate your energy (easier said than done!) Into your family who are worth your time. I know we always crave a mum, no matter our age, but sadly we dont all get what we want, but you have so many wonderful things going for you, please don't lose sight of that. Please don't think this harsh, I've just spent years wishing my own parental relationships were different and they're not, wasted energy xx

Wow, I think you should focus on protecting yourself right now.

Any contact with your mother is going to be upsetting. On top of all the old wounds, that will be more new wounds.

Just take it one day at a time, in order to protect yourself, no contact today. Then the same the next day. That way it's not some big manifesto that you have to stand behind. It's not a decision you have to know is the right decision. It's just, ''may I protect myself today''.

x

It doesn’t sound as though she brings anything positive to your life at all. Do you feel you need a relationship with her? Have you had counselling?

Honestly? Cut contact.

Completely different circumstances but I had no relationship with my dad until I was 19. I couldn’t get past the feeling that he owed me. It wasn’t a balanced relationship, I felt like he didn’t deserve me being nice when he didn’t out as much effort in etc.

I no longer speak to him and my life is better for it, I feel free. I also had therapy to resolve my feelings and I largely don’t think of him any more.

Lots of love to you OP. It sounds like you’ve had a horrendous time of it x

I would strongly recommend one of the support groups for the families of addicts.

I am familiar with the AA related one (Al-Anon) and am fairly sure that similar exists for NA (Narcotics Anonymous). They would help you to process the pain and resentment you feel.

Thanks for the response everyone.

I think she TRIES but when we talk on the phone there are so many awkward silences.

She once told me I'm self absorbed (she later apologised for that) she said I'm not contributing to society because I'm unemployed (she's only worked for the last 2 years) and that she sometimes feels a bit self pitying like me..

These were all said over the phone, when I speak to her face to face she is a different person. She told me something that made me feel sick when I last saw her; that my dad basically forced himself on her when my brother was 2 days old.

Why the fuck did she feel the need to tell me that? I had a physical sensation go through my entire body I can't describe to you.

Your all right though, I do need to speak to someone. But whenever I have gone for counselling in the past they just want to focus on my relationship with my ex partner (DD's father) who funnily enough was an addict and a liar who emotionally abused me for years.

Just always feel like I have to justify myself to my mother, she makes me feel like I feel sorry for myself when I really don't.

Hi OP, I also grew up with a heroin addict mum and have had to go through a huge amount of counselling to have a good relationship with her. Follow your own instincts and if you don't feel happy having a relationship with her at the moment, don't force it. Its so hard being the eldest and having it weighing on you all the time, it never goes away. As you said, you've got a child and that's the most important thing to focus on, keep doing her proud.

She told me something that made me feel sick when I last saw her; that my dad basically forced himself on her when my brother was 2 days old

Judging by the sound of your "mother" I'd presume this was a lie and she was saying it because you'd maybe said something good about your dad and she didn't like it.

She sounds awful and I can't for one minute understand why you want to be in contact with her. Sorry.

So sorry you experienced this OP.

As PPs say, a support of families of addicts would be really useful, plus some 121 counselling if possible to work out your feelings around her, why you want a relationship, and whether it’s possible. If you do want it, it sounds like it might be possible, but it will involve work on both sides. For now, it sounds like you need to avoid taking on the phone at all costs.

In terms of your mother’s comment about your father, it’s a tactless thing to say, but she’s offering in as a part explanation for how things went.

When you go to groups and hopefully work with a counsellor, you can work out how how to manage discussion on both sides, it’s not easy to do. Now your relationship w DD’s father has ended, it will be easier to focus on your relationship with your mum.

Well done for coming through this, and I wish you and DD all happiness for the future.

@MrsJBaptiste

She told me something that made me feel sick when I last saw her; that my dad basically forced himself on her when my brother was 2 days old

Judging by the sound of your "mother" I'd presume this was a lie and she was saying it because you'd maybe said something good about your dad and she didn't like it.

She sounds awful and I can't for one minute understand why you want to be in contact with her. Sorry.

@MrsJBaptiste

No.

You have no idea whether it’s true or not. It’s perfectly possibly true, as the OP’s parents were together a long time, and disfunction does not happen in a vacuum. It also might not be true.

Either way this is a very unhelpful thing to say when the OP is trying to sort out her family relationships.

@Sockpile

Are there any positives to having a relationship with her? I think I would be like your siblings and move forward without her in my life.

This is what I was thinking too. She really let you down, @bexxboo and doesn't seem to be sorry about that. She's causing you to feel upset and angry all these years later.

Do you genuinely want to have a relationship with her or is it just that you feel obliged to?

I don't know whether it makes sense to continue having a relationship with your mother. She may have got her own life together but it doesn't sounds if she can ever really be a mother to you. She still isn't someone you can confide in and she probably never will be. She is too wrapped up in her own issues, she probably can't take in your past and your pain and her contribution to your pain. Sounds like she is just adding to your pain and sadness now. You don't have to stay in contact with her if it means exposing yourself to that.

Just as you are a good (normal!) mother to your own DD, you can also be a bit of a "mother" to yourself as well. So prioritise your own needs.

You sound articulate and emotionally aware and (if you haven't tried it already!) you'd be a good candidate for successful therapy to help you deal with the horrble past you have been put through and have a brighter future even without being able to confide in your mother.

whenever I have gone for counselling in the past they just want to focus on my relationship with my ex partner (DD's father) who funnily enough was an addict and a liar who emotionally abused me for years.

Counselling tends to be short term and more about the "here and now". You would need deeper therapy if you want to explore the connections between your adult relationships (with your mother now and with your ex partner) and the things that happened to you as a child. A word of warning - it's likely to be quite a painful process but if you find a good therapist who you feel can support you through it then it could bring you a happier future.

I think you need to find some sort of counselling to move past all this.

She's a useless mother and I think you need to forget about staying in contact, you gain nothing from it other than frustration and distress.
My own mother wasn't great although nowhere near as bad as yours sounds and I found that the best way to stop history repeating itself was to think to myself what would she have done in whatever situation I was dealing with and do the opposite.

Wishing you all the best.

Your dad at least sounds like he stepped up and did his best for you.

So her 'life is good', well bully for her, she says nasty things to you, cannot seem to realise the damage she has caused her own children and from what you have said is not trying to amke up for any of her behaviour - Bexx, she owes you, but I feel it is a debt she will never pay, she sounds horrible, selfish, un self-aware and very mean.

I think you would be doing yourself and your child a favour by moving on from her, just dont bother with her, she will never make you happy, concentrate on your own life and making it the best one you can, you will have the love of your own child for the rest of your life because you are a good mother, you owe your own mother absolutely nothing, she choose her path, now she has to live with the consiquences.

btw, like a pp, i would take her prounciations on your df behaviour with a pinch of salt, don't forget addicts do like a good old blame game and your father has shown himself to be a parent you love because he was the better parent, it bet that stings her badly.

Some great advice here. What an incredibly shitty thing for you to have gone through

I can only echo what others have said; psychotherapy / counselling could be helpful for you to process what’s happened and also consider how you function in your relationships now. It may be helpful to limit / cut contact while you figure out what you want from your relationship with her and what you want your boundaries to be.

Are you looking for an apology or an explanation, are you likely to get it, how will you accept and move forward if you do / don’t get what you’re looking for from her? This is where therapy may be helpful.

Forgive yourself and allow yourself the right to be angry and hurt.

This is ok.

Just because she is your mother, doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her.

If you feel better no having one, this is an acceptable decision. You are ok to make it.

Most of all, learn that you don't have to carry all this guilt about her around.

She made choices that damaged you. You owe her nothing.

Do whats best for you and your family.

OP I have a hideous younger sister (not quite the same as your situation) but she has treated me and my older sister particularly badly (taking us to Court for imagined wrongdoings) I was deeply hurt for a very long time , my head told me not to bother to try and reconcile but my heart said otherwise, I kept thinking how upset my late mother would be about the family rift. It took a good talking to by my aunt to me pointing out how badly she treated my late father when he was dying of cancer, and how her behaviour has never improved.

It took me until I was in my mid 40's (some 10 years on) to reconcile my head ans heart on this. I always say to people I asked myself if I had met my sisater in a social or work situation would I like her or want anything to do with her, and the answer was always no.
OP do you "like" your Mother, is she a likeable person?
My guess is no, not really.

How absolutely awful for you.

My mother was terrible too. Over 10 years of no contact now, she knows absolutely nothing about me or where I live. At first I needed a lot of therapy but now I'm doing well and it's so liberating. You do not need your mum in your life.