Heroin addict mother - difficult content

[bexxboo]

First time ever ever shared this on a social media platform..

So when me and my siblings were 3, 5 & 9 (me being the eldest) our mother decided to start using heroin with our foster teenager. (Parents took teenagers in from difficult backgrounds)

She had a history of smoking and drinking too much, so then for some fucking unbeknown reason became a heroin addict with 3 children to care for. My father obviously kicked her and her 'boyfriend' out. He used to work 12 hour days so she could get away with everything. She was always drunk by 12, always popping out with this 19 year old. I had to look after my siblings, we missed so much school because she couldn't get out of bed etc.

There is SO much more to the story that I'm not going to get into, but long story short my our father raised us on his own while working and battling court case after court case. He won, and she wasn't allowed contact with us until we were 18.

I contacted her when I came of age, I'm 29 now and I still can't forgive her. I've met her, spoken on the phone, but she doesn't know me at all. I found myself saying things like 'when I was 15 I used to...' which is weird to say to your own mother.

I've suffered from depression my entire life, it began when she left. I've actually tried confining in her about my mental health but she's so fucking unhelpful. Maybe I feel like she owes me? I have my own daughter she's 4 now, and for some reason I was on the phone to my mother yesterday just saying how hard I'm finding it being a single mother with no help, why the hell i did this I've no idea, I almost said 'I could always try heroin' but thought better of it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I tried to have a relationship with my mother, but I just don't like her very much, she's a different person face to face but on the phone she's a fucking twat.

I can't forgive her, I can't move past what she did to us. I look at my DD and think my god I could never do what my own mother did. My siblings will never have anything to do with her and my father hopes she dies.

I was the oldest so I remember way too much than I wish to. She emptied our savings, we lost our house, she beat my dad up, she threatened to put us all in a car and drive off a cliff, she was a prostitute for a while, slept with various men while dad was at work.

This was 20 years ago but I still have awful flashbacks. In 20 years my little brother has not mentioned her once, and will walk away from any conversation if it involves her. My sister just full on hates her.

It's such a sad sad affair and as a family we have suffered the consequences.

She's fine now! Has a job, has a nice little flat, a boyfriend. She even said life is good when I last spoke to her.

Sorry for the long post, this isn't even 1/4 of it. I just don't know how to deal with it going forward.

I found that after I left home I tried to put my mother's treatment of me behind me, but when I had kids I sort of relived it and thought I could never treat them like that and I was no longer able to put it behind me. Perhaps that's happening to you. I also wondered why my dad failed to protect me. I now put my own needs first after years of my mum's needs always being put first. I only see them as much as I can cope with and no more. You're under no obligation to see your mum at all. She let you down badly

A few people have said I'm reliving the trauma since my child was born and up until the point I gave birth I never really have given my own mother a second thought. I've never really thought about it like that before, so thanks.

I think I'm incredibly angry and frustrated towards her because of our phone calls, she would never say some of the things she says on the phone to my face it's so strange, things like 'that's life you need to get on with it etc' are just so fucking unhelpful and it angers me so much. When I met up with her (only a handful of times) she's either really nice or won't speak and is really quiet. She is also extremely withdrawn at social events, she just refuses to speak to people, my uncles wife cannot stand her apparently.

I always had an extremely close relationship with my grandmother (her mother) who died in July, me and my sister attended the funeral but she refused to speak or even look at my mother, she doesn't even remember her (sister was 3 when she left) I just cannot for the life of me understand how you could do that to 3 children and a husband. We had a beautiful home, my dad provided a beautiful life, she didn't have to work or anything.

I would give anything to have what she threw away.

@bexxboo this is such a sad situation. Please turn your attention to yourself and ask your GP about getting therapy.

Please, please stop making contact with your mother. The conversations you describe are sounding very much like your childhood self begging her to mother you. She can’t or won’t and she never will so you have to stop hoping she will.

Your life sounds really tough at the moment but lean on people you trust and can be there for you are believe that life really can improve and be happy.

First of all look at therapy and possibly medication if your GP thinks it appropriate.

Best wishes to you.