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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To agree to this but say he/they will need to give me some money?

65 replies

TheBanker21 · 20/02/2022 09:47

My husband and his ex have 50:50 with their two children.

They have an agreement where they split the holidays by taking their annual leave / arranging childcare.

My husband's ex was due to be off over half term but has just been called into work due to short staffing and my husband will struggle to be off now due to booking jobs in (SE) as ex was due to be off this time.

I work part time (also SE) and very flexibly and so I am off next week with our DC (nursery age and just started school) I keep finances separate (pay bills from a joint account but spends are separate). I have my own money and contribute to the household via my work.

I have some days out booked for DC next week with friends.

I have said I can look after DSC but their parents will need to provide the funds for them to join us on our days out as I don't want to have to cancel (and sit in all week doing nothing) and I also don't want to pay for two extra tickets and food etc.. whilst there. DSC are 8 & 10 so also cost more for most of the things.

AIBU to say this is fine but DH and / or his ex will need to provide the money between them so we can do the things I had planned over the school holiday?

OP posts:

bigdecisionstomake · 20/02/2022 14:31

DH's ex is being done a massive favour here so it should be her cost to cover - it will be much more if she has to find alternative childcare. It is up to your DH to sort that out with her though, not you, they're his children.

LittleOwl153 · 20/02/2022 14:34

I would provide a cost per day, and a booking deadline and leave them to it.

So we're going to the tower of London on Monday. Entry, train and food will be £40 each - needs to be booked today, Tuesday were going to the cinema, £10 each etc. Can be booked that morning.

Problem is likely to be dependant on activities the older kids won't want to do what a group of toddlers/reception kids would want to do and therefore thebkids will say its boring and parent will begrudge the money. So I probably wouldn't offer to have them every day.

sofakingcool · 20/02/2022 14:37

Does the ex know what's happening @TheBanker21 ?

Loopytiles · 20/02/2022 14:43

You’re already going ‘above and beyond’ offering to look after the older DC and inviting them to join the trips you’ve planned.

H is U if he’s suggesting you cancel your plans.

I would make clear to your H that you’d like him and his ex to confirm asap which days you’ll be having the older DC and provide funds in your account for the outings. If they don’t do this by X day/time you unfortunately won’t look after the DC on the days you have plans and they should make alternative arrangements.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/02/2022 15:15

You are be being more than reasonable.

Grandville · 20/02/2022 18:13

Completely reasonable. One of them (preferably her) should cover the extra costs or she can pay for childcare. Those are the options. Agree that asking to be paid for babysitting would be a bit off but that's not what you are doing.

AllOfUsAreDead · 20/02/2022 18:16

They pay for it, don't you pay for it. If they don't like it, they can pay for more expensive childcare. They are idiots for complaining to be honest.

GoldenBlue · 20/02/2022 18:27

The mother should pay in this instance or she will need to f7bd alternative child care.

Your DH is vu expecting you to cancel things already planned for your time with your child

chickywoo · 20/02/2022 18:37

Erm based on all replies here, I think I must be a pushover,
I would treat my stepchildren equally to my own and wouldn’t mind covering the costs and would enjoy that my children can spend the holidays with their siblings, if money was tight however and I couldn’t comfortably afford the extra then I would ask dh to cover it or to sort it out with his ex ti cover it.
His ex may not be aware of your separate finances and may just assume that he will be happy to cover anything they do in time spent with him as they are 50/50.
I would say life is too short, your husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you’ll think why did I spend so much time being annoyed about who pays for what.

PacificState · 20/02/2022 18:44

Urgh, tbh I think your DH and his ex need their heads knocked together. Not that that helps you right now.

What would happen if you texted the ex and said 'happy to step in as I can see this is tricky for everyone, but on Tuesday I have booked x and on Friday I have booked x. I can't afford to pay for your two to do those activities so can you forward me the £150 for tickets, travel and lunch? If you'd rather get different cover for those days that's fine of course.'

GoldenBlue · 20/02/2022 18:50

@chickywoo

Erm based on all replies here, I think I must be a pushover, I would treat my stepchildren equally to my own and wouldn’t mind covering the costs and would enjoy that my children can spend the holidays with their siblings, if money was tight however and I couldn’t comfortably afford the extra then I would ask dh to cover it or to sort it out with his ex ti cover it. His ex may not be aware of your separate finances and may just assume that he will be happy to cover anything they do in time spent with him as they are 50/50. I would say life is too short, your husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you’ll think why did I spend so much time being annoyed about who pays for what.

I treat my DSC's the same as my children because that is where our relationship is, we have blended finance's and some of his DC live with us.

But the OP and H don't have shared finances.

She also stated that this week the kids are supposed to be with mum and it is mums childcare issue that OP is being asked to subsidise. It wouldn't be an issue if it was dads week as he would have planned for the funds.

As it stands the mum could pay for childcare or the OP can help out as long as mum funds the specific events that aren't free.

Blossom64265 · 20/02/2022 19:07

They should cover all the expenses and not expect you to skimp or adjust your plans. If they can’t meet that budget, there are child care providers that can be hired.

lisaandalan · 20/02/2022 22:23

I'd tell her I will have them but you will have to provide for the extras, I'd text her. X

HermioneGrangersHair · 20/02/2022 22:32

I think YANBU of course someone should pay for the DSC - either of their parents.

But I find this whole ‘ I have my own finances and I’m paying for the children ‘ really odd. Once you have children surely this just gets too difficult?
When you buy school shoes do you split the cost? Who buys packed lunches? Who pays the school lunches ? School trips ?
Mumsnet is full of couples who have separate finances where one parent won’t pay for THEIR OWN children. Frankly all a bit weird that a DH or DM won’t pay but I think the whole arrangement in your own home is unsustainable. Are you happy this will continue fir the next 16 - 18 years?

Sh05 · 20/02/2022 22:36

If you're on good terms with her then just text her your plans and costs involved.
Let her know a date by which to confirm and pay and then leave it in her court.
She may well contact your dh and discuss costs or she'll get back yo you telling you she's made other arrangements.

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