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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To agree to this but say he/they will need to give me some money?

65 replies

TheBanker21 · 20/02/2022 09:47

My husband and his ex have 50:50 with their two children.

They have an agreement where they split the holidays by taking their annual leave / arranging childcare.

My husband's ex was due to be off over half term but has just been called into work due to short staffing and my husband will struggle to be off now due to booking jobs in (SE) as ex was due to be off this time.

I work part time (also SE) and very flexibly and so I am off next week with our DC (nursery age and just started school) I keep finances separate (pay bills from a joint account but spends are separate). I have my own money and contribute to the household via my work.

I have some days out booked for DC next week with friends.

I have said I can look after DSC but their parents will need to provide the funds for them to join us on our days out as I don't want to have to cancel (and sit in all week doing nothing) and I also don't want to pay for two extra tickets and food etc.. whilst there. DSC are 8 & 10 so also cost more for most of the things.

AIBU to say this is fine but DH and / or his ex will need to provide the money between them so we can do the things I had planned over the school holiday?

OP posts:

Gizacluethen · 20/02/2022 11:53

They either pay for the kids to join you or find alternative care because you're busy.
It should obviously be her that pays for them since, with it being her time, she'll have to find alternative, possibly paid, care otherwise.

AlexaShutUp · 20/02/2022 11:59

H has moaned a little. He hasn't really budgeted for the extra as it wasn't his "turn".

I would be pointing out that you haven't budgeted for this either as they're not your kids!!

It's for H and his ex to sort out between them. You are being generous in offering to help with the childcare but you should not be out of pocket or have to change your plans. If they're not happy with what you're offering, they can make alternative arrangements.

zingally · 20/02/2022 12:07

Ex (or DP) coughs up the money for the kids, or they make alternative plans. Very simple, I'd have thought!

Or Ex arranges for the kids to go to a holiday play scheme for the week. There are plenty of them around, but the better ones (like SuperCamps or Kings Camps) aren't cheap. Not much change from £50 a day. Which would they prefer?

funinthesun19 · 20/02/2022 12:24

It’s either:

Pay for childcare which will presumably be more expensive than paying you.
Pay you for DSC’s costs on the day out. Will most likely end up cheaper than childcare.
Stay off work.

Basically the parents are going to have to do the compromising here. And whoever’s day it falls on has the most responsibility for this situation.

You are very kind as it is to be ok with dscs coming with you on your days out which have been booked with just your small dc in mind. Older dscs may change the dynamics of the day despite you enjoying their company. The least the parents can do is take the financial side of it away from you.

autienotnaughty · 20/02/2022 12:56

I'd expect dh to pay and if he wants to ask ex to contribute that's upto him. Otherwise he looks after them.

CrimeaChimera · 20/02/2022 13:02

I do not have good thoughts about your DH moaning because it 'wasn;t his turn'. They are his kids. He should want to contribute to them enjoying the holidays. FFS.

Bullandbush · 20/02/2022 13:05

@CrimeaChimera

I do not have good thoughts about your DH moaning because it 'wasn;t his turn'. They are his kids. He should want to contribute to them enjoying the holidays. FFS.

This ^^ with knobs on. Who complains about funding their dc a day out.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 20/02/2022 13:12

I would say you pay upfront or you make alternative arrangements.

Otherwise you just know you'll end up paying it with promises of "I'll settle up" and that will never happen.

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/02/2022 13:25

Have you been the unasked (and taken for granted) childcare when they haven't sorted something before, or us this really a one off?

Not that it matters, I was just wondering if your time is the default setting. There's no way you should be paying for the SDCs out of your own pocket. You're doing DH and his ex a huge favour by having them at all, because it will change the dynamic of the week even if one of them pays. Don't be guilted into it by either of them. If they won't pay say no to having them. They have to work together like adults.

sofakingcool · 20/02/2022 13:31

I think the ex should pay, unless she can arrange to swap holidays around so make this one your DH's and the next hers - in which case your DH should be putting his hand in his pocket!

She should be pretty grateful that you've offered this- does she know? Or is she expecting your DH to be sorting it?

Viviennemary · 20/02/2022 13:35

I agree its between your DH and his ex to sort out who pays for what. They are lucky you have agreed to look after them at short notice.,

billy1966 · 20/02/2022 13:36

What a ghastly set up you have.

Definitely you should not be paying for the children.

You are very kind to consider being free childcare for them both.

Your husband sounds mean.

Begrudging paying for any of his children during mid term.

I think any woman is mad to go near a man with children from the threads by SM's on here.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 20/02/2022 13:38

@WouldIwasShookspeared

I would say you pay upfront or you make alternative arrangements.

Otherwise you just know you'll end up paying it with promises of "I'll settle up" and that will never happen.

This. One of them must pay in advance or don't do it.

In the ex's shoes I'd have said straight away that of course I would pay towards days out. And thanked you for doing me a favour.

Tequilabeliever · 20/02/2022 13:43

You’re being completely unreasonable and tight. You married a man with children. Did you honestly ever think you’d have to pay for the odd thing over the years. Very mean spirited. These are your child’ siblings.

FairyCakeWings · 20/02/2022 13:46

I can understand your DH’s grumble about having to pay for treats that he hadn’t budgeted for just so that his ex can work some overtime.

He needs to tell her that the children can only come if she pays for them to be included in your days out, because it’s not him that will be doing the childcare.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 20/02/2022 13:49

@Tequilabeliever

Her husband, the kids' actual father, has moaned about it. Surely he's the tight one? And their actual mum?

SmellinOfTroy · 20/02/2022 13:49

@Tequilabeliever

Did you miss the fact that 'd'h isn't paying towards his child/ren with op?

WouldIwasShookspeared · 20/02/2022 14:08

I think the actual parents are the tight ones.
Why should they not pay for their children's activities?

She's meeting all the costs of the child she shares with this bloke. The least he can do is pay for his other kids.
But no, bash the stepmum. 🙄

Original poster

TheBanker21 · 20/02/2022 14:09

@Tequilabeliever

I'd have this if I was talking an extra lunch a weatherspoons or something but not when it's easily over £150 for tickets, lunches, any extras etc...

I don't really think it's that terrible that DH hasn't budgeted for it either. This is the set up they've always had. One covers one holiday, then the other covers the next including paying for day trips they book. DH will be paying for our DC and DSC during the half term that he was expecting to have them.

He's not annoyed that I won't pay. I think he'd like me to cancel some more expensive things I have planned though. Which is not happening.

OP posts:

Teeturtle · 20/02/2022 14:13

I will never understand a husband and wife squabbling over who pays for what, so I don’t get that bit. However, I do think there is something that your husband and his ex should be sorting out between them, they should be covering costs on their own time and as this was her time, I think she should be paying for the activities during the week.

TimBoothseyes · 20/02/2022 14:14

The parent who changed the arrangement should pay, so in this case the mother.

Marty13 · 20/02/2022 14:19

When I read the title I thought you were asking to be paid for the childcare and a bit ambivalent on that. But asking them to cover the tickets and food prices is totally reasonable. If I was the ex I'd be thankful for the free childcare and consider it absolutely normal to pay for the costs, and I'd get you a thank-you gift when I picked up the kids. It would presumably still cost way less than a week's childcare in the UK !

Lou98 · 20/02/2022 14:20

Definitely not unreasonable OP and kind of you to offer.

Honestly though, I think it should be their mum that pays (provided that it's less than she could get childcare for the week for - if she even could) because it's her holiday and her that's meant to be having them so she would be the one that would need to sort childcare otherwise.

If she doesn't pay though then I would definitely expect your Husband to, it isn't fair to cancel the kids activities when they're most likely excited

Chloemol · 20/02/2022 14:21

YANBU. And if they don’t lay then they sort out childcare for the days you are out

diddl · 20/02/2022 14:23

Lucky you're off next week otherwise what would happen then?

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