AIBU to think MIL shouldn't film us without consent?

[ILikeCrumpetsAndTrumpets]

I should state, I normally get on very well with my MIL but I'm in a bad mood and have had a really stressful day so I don't know whether IABU or not.There's a lot of context to this so sorry if it's long.

My DW is pregnant with our second. She has awful, awful hyperemesis - cannot eat or drink, cannot walk, cannot go anywhere or do anything. She's desperately unwell. She hasn't been to work since before Christmas, she's sick even if she just sits up. Yesterday, going to bed, she was sick (in a bowl) on the bottom step, when she reached half-way, and at the top - so very, very sick. She's on a whole bunch of medications and regularly has to go to the hospital for IV (at minimum once per week). We also have a toddler and I work full-time (so does DW when not sick).

A few weeks ago, MIL asked DW if we could watch her dog while she goes on holiday and DW agreed. DW struggles to say no to MIL. DW is very determined and headstrong, she's incredibly capable but, growing up, MIL never acknowledged her achievements or really paid attention to her in general. DW always feels she needs to prove herself to MIL and (she said to me when we discussed it this evening) DW thinks that saying no would look like admitting that she's not coping with life and that MIL would view her as a failure. MIL would probably be devastated to know DW feels this way as she genuinely believes she's supportive and loving, but she had a really tough upbringing herself with an absent yet judgemental mother and has continued a lot of that. MIL means well but, to be frank, this annoyed me because we recently asked for MIL to watch DS for a few hours because I needed a break (working full-time, watching DS, looking after DW, having to do 100% of the household stuff and had other commitments too) and, after initially agreeing, she backed out saying she's too busy (she works two days per week). She's also completely unsupportive of DW being ill and has told her many times it's just psychological and she should just overcome it.

MIL lives a few hours away from us, in the Red Zone for the storm. Yesterday, her fences were destroyed in the storm (well, technically the neighbour's fence but it means MIL's garden is no longer dog secure). Today, DW needed to go to the hospital for more IV treatment, her ketones were +4 on arrival. The hospital was a bit of a disaster (that's whole different thread). I had to spend the whole day (without a base because we don't live near the hospital and nor does MIL) with a toddler and the dog (I couldn't go into the hospital with them and couldn't leave the dog at home because of the unsecured fence). So, the day was very stressful because issues at the hospital meant I spent 12 hours with a toddler and dog, with almost nowhere to go in stormy weather (the appointment should've taken two hours). Credit to DS, he was an angel all day.

We just got back to MIL's house and discovered a camera filming us in a communal area of the house (not a bedroom or bathroom). It's at head height and so the dog wouldn't be visible, so definitely to watch us and not the dog. The camera is definitely not usually there. DW is especially upset because a) she's been walking around in her pants and vomiting and b) we have no idea if there are any more cameras. I do appreciate she has a right to have a camera and it's inside her own house. I also know I've had a shitty day so not sure if I'm being reasonable.

Thoughts?

That was a lot of extra information. Unfortunately legally you don't own your own image so there's nothing you can really do about it. But fuck that's very very unacceptable that she set up a camera to secretly film you.

Is the camera there to catch burglars rather than film you?

She could have watched you though!

@OwlinaTree

Is the camera there to catch burglars rather than film you?

She could have watched you though!

I highly doubt it. MIL rarely even locks her door, lives in a very rural area with very low crime rate. The camera wasn't in a part of the house they'd go through on entry and not directed at (or really in a room with) anything of value. There's some very expensive equipment/items in the house and there's no camera near them (that we've yet found haha).

Is it definitely on?

She’s allowed a security camera in her own home but it’s very weird not to tell you.

(As an aside; surely you could leave the dog inside for a short while without access to the garden.)

Cover it. Put a bag over it or a cloth or anything. Stop her filming you - see if she reacts.

And do not offer to look after the dog again - or anything else. How on earth is it right to drag a clearly struggling dw hours away from her home. Infact I'd contact dm - tell her that dw is unwell and that because of the storm you cannot leave the dog so she need to book kennels from tomorrow.

I meant to say 'she could have warned you though.'

If you really think she is spying on you just leave and put the dog in Kennels and send her the bill.

Perfect excuse for DW to tell MIL she will no longer be provide dog care due to the covert filming.

YANBU! Yes it's her house but you're doing her a favour by staying, she wanted you to go to watch her dog, she should definitely have informed you and explained why it's there.

I don't understand why she would need a camera unless she didn't trust you staying her house for whatever reason?

Are you sure it's definitely switched on? I would unplug it/cover it (but also be aware it may record sound if you're talking about anything private).
She either won't bring it up as will know she's in the wrong or if she does you can then tell her that it's unreasonable to have a spy cam on someone doing you a favour

@SmolCat

Is it definitely on?

She’s allowed a security camera in her own home but it’s very weird not to tell you.

(As an aside; surely you could leave the dog inside for a short while without access to the garden.)

Definitely on. Not a permanent or long-term set up either. MIL lives two hours from the hospital and the appointment was two hours so it would've been six hours with no outside access (it ended up actually being more than double that).

YANBU

I'd unplug it and see if she mentions it.

Ultimately she has the right to record in her own home, but I'd be offended if my mum asked me to dog-sit for her and then a camera appeared to film me doing so.

Yanbu, she should have told you.

Sorry about your shit day.

Jeeze. Your OP could have been a tenth of its length. I have no idea why you padded it out with all the unnecessary detail.

But anyway, I'd be furious. Even if it is for security, you should be told.
I was very put out after I went to feel my DD's cat over a weekend, when I discovered that they had a security camera IN the house, that they set when they're away.
I made it very clear that they should have told me, and that I'm very uncomfortable with being watched (they get a notification when it's recording, and I found out about it when she mentioned, quite innocently, having seen me looking for something I needed for the cat, and asked had I found it okay).

You've clearly had a shitty time (which has nothing to do with the camera, but I can understand lumping it all together). I don't think you should jump to put the worst possible construction on the camera until you have asked you MIL what it is for, and how come she didn't mention it.

Once she has explained why she put it there you will have a better idea whether you need to be angry about it.

I think she has the right to have internal security cameras if she so wishes. The fact it’s in a communal area and you could both clearly see it suggests she has nothing to hide - just ask her why she got it put in.

It’s outrageous she’s put a camera there. YANBU.

Take the dog to your house. Not sure why you’re dog sitting AND house sitting. Fuck that.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

You've clearly had a shitty time (which has nothing to do with the camera, but I can understand lumping it all together). I don't think you should jump to put the worst possible construction on the camera until you have asked you MIL what it is for, and how come she didn't mention it.

Once she has explained why she put it there you will have a better idea whether you need to be angry about it.

This.

I can understand why you are unsettled by it however.

My DP's have similar cameras for "security reasons", but the difference is they are completely transparent about it (and where they are).

Additionally when we recently stayed there when they were away, they gave me the log in so I could switch them off when we were in the house and only enable them when we went out (and had to endure an hour lecture on how to work the associated app despite a long career in IT ).

Frankly, it's a bit overkill in my opinion as they live in a very low crime area but their choice and my father does love a gadget (think lighting/heating/doorbells/security all controlled by apps) .

Have you asked her? Because it’s a bit of a leap to assume it was set up to record you when there’s nothing in the background information that suggests she would do that.

Oh dear @ILikeCrumpetsAndTrumpets another HG denier!

You are going through tough times right now, & although you are pissed off at MiL, try to keep your reactions neutral as you usually get on so don’t trash that goodwill.

Stick a bag over the camera, say nothing.
MiL can make of that what she will, but nothing is broken so there is no significant damage or inconvenience.

You are doing your very best & risk becoming overstretched.
Time to ruthlessly prioritise your life - DW & DS foremost, & you first as without you tip top on form, things get really difficult for DW & DS.
So make sure you rest, sleep & eat well, have some fun with DS & be there for your DW. Soon enough you will have another baby in the family.
No unnecessary travelling or undertaking chores.
Can you WFH to save time & effort on travelling.
If DW still very unwell, consider taking some carer leave if your employer offers this.

So dearest MiL has to sort herself & her dog out as best they can.
So no more hither & thither helping out.
Your DW just cannot do anything other than breathe & get by as her HG is overwhelming her body & soul. So it falls to you to tell MiL that DW is not available to her as before & nor are you.
As others have suggested, dog can go to kennels etc & MiL can make arrangements to suit herself.

It’s a shame that DW’s mum is so dismissive of HG, particularly when her DD is suffering so badly.

We just got back to MIL's house and discovered a camera filming us in a communal area of the house (not a bedroom or bathroom). It's at head height and so the dog wouldn't be visible, so definitely to watch us and not the dog. The camera is definitely not usually there. DW is especially upset because a) she's been walking around in her pants and vomiting and b) we have no idea if there are any more cameras. I do appreciate she has a right to have a camera and it's inside her own house. I also know I've had a shitty day so not sure if I'm being reasonable

You really could have just gone with this 🤷‍♀️

You can start by asking her about it.
Otherwise unplug whilst you are in and plug it back in when you are out.

Cameras are often advertised as a way of checking up on your dog while you're out, especially when dogs are being left for the first time. Could this be the reason for the camera? Maybe mil is so used to It being there or has forgotten it's there because she no longer has to check it when she's out that it didn't occur to her to tell you.

Don't go in all guns blazing. It would be pretty extreme behaviour to set it up to film you and your wife.

Sorry didn't notice that dog wouldn't be visible. Could it have been knocked out of position by accident?

I think it's more likely that it's set up to watch the dog, and just set up badly, than to spy on you.

However you've got way too much on your plate and I can well imagine this felt like the straw that broke the camel's back after a truly shitty day.

I think tomorrow you should unplug or cover the camera, and DW needs to stop agreeing to dogsit hours away when she is far too ill. I can relate to a lot of what you say re MIL. It's not a game DW can win, and the best way to keep your sanity is to stop jumping through all the hoops.

I think it's rude to have indoor cameras and not inform guests. I visited a friend with my baby for a couple nights and didn't find out until the last day they had cameras in their living room where I'd been breastfeeding thinking I was alone. I only found out they hd them because my daughter crawled for the first time while we were there and they sent me the video as their camera had caught it.

I agree with @TheYearOfSmallThings and @BreadInCaptivity

Separately...while your wife is a sassy independent woman she's currently vulnerable. You need to step in and advocate. You should have interceded and said no earlierin the process. And you need to respectfully challenge mil on all this stuff
she's also completely unsupportive of DW being ill and has told her many times it's just psychological and she should just overcome it.
No more dog suff. Mil needs to get a walker or sitter.

I say this as a sassy independent not that sick at all 38 weeks pregnant woman with no toddle and a well intentioned but vaguely similar mother. My dh has politely stepped in a few times now. I really appreciate it.