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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about husband working nights?

44 replies

Rububububu · 19/02/2022 21:39

DH works a normal 8 hour day, but sometimes switches to night shifts for extra money. I find those times really stressful, as I struggle with the adjustment. I'm autistic and think that probably doesn't help, but every time he works nights I end up an anxious wreck on no sleep, with the only consolation being that at least it's only for a couple weeks. At times I get to little sleep to be able to do my own WFH job.

This time, it's been 4 weeks and there will still be another two weeks. I'm really not coping; I feel like a prisoner in my own home and barely see DH, who works away from the home 13 hours a day when on nights, with no days off. I've been miserable and he says he asked me whether I was ok with it and should have told him no. AIBU to think it's not that easy? If I tell him no, I feel like I'm being unreasonable or controlling. However it really affects me and it affects our marriage. We don't need the extra money. Is this my fault? Why does he put it on me? Is that fair?

Separately, if someone has tips on how they cope with a partner on nights they never see that would be appreciated. Thanks for listening, I'm feeling a bit defeated today.

OP posts:

RoomOfRequirement · 19/02/2022 21:45

What's making you unable to sleep?

Gently, I think YABU.

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 21:50

What is it that makes you feel like a prisoner in your home at these times? Does he expect you to creep around during the day when he's on nights?

GirlInACountrySong · 19/02/2022 21:53

yabu

SockQueen · 19/02/2022 21:53

I work nights sometimes. DH seems to manage fine. He certainly isn't up all night with anxiety (about what?), if anything he probably enjoys having the big bed to himself. Yes, he has to do all the child-related stuff on those days but he does that on my normal working days anyway as I'm out of the house 6am-7pm-ish.

ChoiceMummy · 19/02/2022 22:03

What are the main issues you feel impact you if he's working nights?

You day you don't need the money. Perhaps oh sees this differently in light of rising costs etc.

CheshireChat · 19/02/2022 22:04

I mean this gently, but he isn't 'putting it on you' or being unfair. I get the feeling you'd like him to stop doing nights of his own accord because you don't like it, whereas he seems to want you to acknowledge the situation and sort of 'take responsibility' for this.

Does he want to work nights or is it just for some extra cash occasionally. If he does want to continue, would a set pattern work better? So every 4 weeks he'll do 1 week of night shifts sort of thing.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/02/2022 22:05

My husband has worked 12hr night shifts (7pm - 7am) for years. I absolutely love it. I get the tv at night, I get to spread out in a double bed by myself, all snacks are mine, the bathroom for long soaking bath's is mine. He wears earplugs so I don't have to be quiet during the day (can even hoover the landing).

What exactly is causing your anxiety, rather than saying working nights. Maybe we can help with the issue itself rather than your general dislike of it.

Starwreck · 19/02/2022 22:05

Tell him no or speak to him and try and come to some sort of compromise.

Starwreck · 19/02/2022 22:06

Not saying if you say no he should drop it, but if he did ask and you didn't say no then can see why he might be a bit confused.

Lifeslooser · 19/02/2022 22:07

Don’t worry, it won’t be much longer until you wish him back on nights so you can have the bed to yourself and starfish!!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 22:08

No days off for days, weeks, on end?

Pixiedust1234 · 19/02/2022 22:11

When i say your issue i mean if you can't cope with ot having him in bed with you then maybe invest in one of those large pregnancy cuddle pillows so in your halfsleepy state you will think he is there rather than fully wake up panicking.

If its because you don't feel as safe with no man in the house then invest in door bolts or an extra lock. Buy a ring doorbell or a peephole so you don't have to open the door when alone.

So...what exactly is causing the anxiety?

MaizeAmaze · 19/02/2022 22:12

6 weeks of constant nights with no time off sounds really tough for everyone.

What is it that makes it hard for you to sleep? DH will be away all of next week. The kids and I eat simply, I get control of the TV remote, and there is always a cold side of the bed to roll over onto!
Yes, I tend to be a bit more careful at locking up knowing there is noone to check, and yes, i miss him. But it makes a different rhythm to life, and both are good. If you could find a way to sleep a bit more, I suspect other things will become less problematic., and you'd get out if tye house more, making that easier too.

LittleOwl153 · 19/02/2022 22:14

I think you need to work out what it is you can't handle. Then it will be easier to do something about it. Is it being alone or is it what he's doing on the nightshift that worries you?

To get through this next 2 weeks - is there someone you can stay with for a few days perhaps get you back on an even keel? Could he text you whilst he's on shift to let you know he's OK?

FairyCakeWings · 19/02/2022 22:15

In the kindest possible way, your reaction is extreme. You need to find a way to feel secure without being completely dependent on one other adult. It’s not healthy.

You say you wfh, how often do you go out and see other people?

Original poster

Rububububu · 19/02/2022 22:15

I get anxious because of the disruption to my routine, I suppose. It's not always that I'm sitting up all night with anxiety, but I do struggle to sleep and get anxious about not being able to sleep and knowing I have work the next day.

In terms of whether he expects me to creep, not directly, but a little. He gets home at a time I would normally get up (7:30am) he then expects all the lights off and as our shower is in the ensuite, I feel like I can't use it, and I don't like trying to find my clothes in the dark. I could get up a bit earlier, but that is hard because of the lack of sleep. It's then be quiet-ish until 4pm when he gets up, and then he leaves again at 6pm and I'm alone. I work until 6pm, so if I managed to get up before he comes home I wouldn't even see him and it's so lonely after a while.

He sometimes goes away for up to a month and that doesn't affect me in the same way, so the main issue is the disruption to my routine, which then affects everything else. I know I'm being unreasonable on that front because I need more things to be a certain way than the average person, but I was wondering whether it was fair that DH, knowing that, makes me the one responsible for whether he works nights. I feel pressured into being the bad guy if he says 'well you can say no', instead of him electing not to do it, or at least not to do it for this length of time. Would everyone else feel fine with saying 'I don't want you working nights' to their partner?

I think it feels a little similar to if he wanted to go to a party filled with drugs and asking me if I'm ok with it, knowing full well that I am not, but that I'll look like the bad guy and controlling wife if I tell him not to go. (btw this hasn't happened, I was trying to come up with an analogy).

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 19/02/2022 22:15

Would it be easier for you going forward if he made it a regular pattern if that is possible? So he does a week of nights every 4 weeks or something like that?

Concestor · 19/02/2022 22:16

OP I think you should ask for this to be moved to the neurodiverse board as people on this one just won't understand why this will throw you. I'm autistic and I get it, I wouldn't liked it either and I'd find it very hard to get on with things with my husband asleep upstairs all day. But NTs won't understand.

LittleOwl153 · 19/02/2022 22:20

I'd reclaim the morning routine. Get up at 730am, have your shower etc if that is what you need to do. Perhaps try and be out of his way by 8/830am, he can sleep then and still get 9-10hours. He won't be sleeping as soon as he gets in anyway.

In the evening I guess you have to make a plan for yourself. Plan a nice dinner, a movie on TV, or a night out with friends perhaps? But plan your week so you know where you are.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/02/2022 22:22

Ok with your update I wouldn’t like this either. I can’t stand creeping and tip toeing around sleeping people. So I understand where you’re coming from. Outside of that I would be ok with this as I would love the alone time I would get in the evenings.

autienotnaughty · 19/02/2022 22:24

I'm autistic and I would struggle. I find it hard being alone at night. I have to have a light on, then the light wakes me up. With regards to getting ready. Can you put your stuff in bathroom so you can get ready in peace?

Original poster

Rububububu · 19/02/2022 22:25

@FairyCakeWings

In the kindest possible way, your reaction is extreme. You need to find a way to feel secure without being completely dependent on one other adult. It’s not healthy.

You say you wfh, how often do you go out and see other people?

I don't mind sleeping on my own if he's away, it's the fact his existence in the house on his shift pattern is messing with my normal routine. It's not a safety issue, though my AIBU is more about whether I should just grow a spine and tell him not to work nights, even if that makes me feel like a bad wife.

OP posts:

EllaB22 · 19/02/2022 22:36

But does he not need to work nights to get more money?

Would you be able to manage money wise if he did not work the nights?

pinkstripeycat · 19/02/2022 22:37

I feel your pain.
My DH works shifts and all his getting up early and getting in late wakes me up and I can’t get back to sleep. I drive for a living so it’s a real killer. It makes me angry, irritated and anxious.

Ttcfinalbub · 19/02/2022 22:40

I'm with you here... kinda I like and need routine or I feel unbalanced and just urgh ( I am not onbthe Spectrum but have anxiety). My oh works 24h call out so sometimes he's back 2 am. 5 am... 7 am.. 8 am.. me and oh only just moved in together in October and I was tiptoeing about changing my routine stressing about clothes and make up for going to work and we spoke and he said if he's in at any of them times he will be too coma'd to care.. it was true I could shower, have the bedroom light in get ready have the kids come in and out and he never flinched. Routines are very important to those on the spectrum especially self care and needs routines they're much more important then to people not on the spectrum. I would explain to him why you have an issue and go from there.

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