Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset over dm words

43 replies

venusmay · 19/02/2022 21:38

My dh has been working away for the past few days and my dm came to help out with the dcs.

Dd (9) has been very emotional all day and has been crying and angry. She had a nightmare last night and has put it down to this. I've tried to be as sympathetic as possible and have been consoling her all day.

I've also made dinner and looked after my other dcs. Dm has sat with them for a while but then I had to do bathtime. I'm absolutely knackered but managed to do it, dd still sobbing over her bad dream though and after a day of this and other dcs arguing I was pretty worn down. I was trying a more tough love approach with dd, trued to tell her she should try to put the upsetting thought out of her head. Going over and over the bad dream repeatedly wasn't healthy.

I was drying ds gair when I heard dm talking (to herself) in the kitchen that I was being cold, that dd needed my love and that she couldn't believe how I was treating her.

This clearly has led to me having words with dm and asking her to go. I'm so upset after everything that has happened today send really struggling to hear dm saying this stuff!!!

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 19/02/2022 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2022 22:15

While her muttering about it in the kitchen wasn't helpful, I don't disagree with what she said. "Tough love" isn't an appopriate response to a sobbing child in need of comfort and reassurance.

Your daughter is 9 and was still sobbing about a nightmare after a full day? There's clearly something more to her distress, and you trying to brush her off with "tough love" isn't any kind of answer.

You need to apologise to your mother, and then spend some time listening to your daughter. Get to the bottom of what's bothering her.

LIZS · 19/02/2022 22:17

Seems a bit of a counterproductive outcome. If dd was upset maybe helping her work it through was required. Unless your dm is normally unhelpful and negative about your parenting you need to let it go. How did you want her to help you?

LightBulbous · 19/02/2022 22:17

Sometimes tough love is needed. I’ve had to take that approach with my own DD over the years and teach her how to put things aside so that she didn’t get trapped in an anxious loop. It’s worked I think.

Your DM was cruel to say those things out loud.

StoneofDestiny · 19/02/2022 22:25

You said it yourself - you are exhausted and emotionally spent. Would have been nice to have support without criticism, but take time to hug and chat with your daughter and tell her you were tired and exhausted and share a treat with her. Speak to your mum and tell her you are worn out and her criticism hurt, but you heard her.

Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:28

Thanks, yes I had a cuddle with dd and comforted her again.

Dm has often been critical of other things, I think this time it hurt more because I've had so much on my plate.

OP posts:
OnlyClothes · 19/02/2022 22:28

It doesn’t sound like she was doing much to help you. Was she just another person to cook for?

OppsUpsSide · 19/02/2022 22:28

Asking her to leave seems a bit much - me and DM have had this on occasion, we tend to hash it over tea or wine.
My DD also gets bad dreams which worry and upset her the next day, as do I. Did you get her to tell you the whole dream from start to finish? That usually diminishes them because it’s the feelings in the dream that scare/upset.

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 22:30

How many kids have you got then?

I also think your reaction was a bit over the top. But it’s done now.

StoneofDestiny · 19/02/2022 22:32

Remind your mum you are her daughter and you did not feel her support to you and that you needed her warmth and love - not criticism.

Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:33

I've heard the whole dream from start to finish many times throughout the day. Each time she has been sobbing over it and I've worked through it with her. We talked about what was upsetting and I've reassured her and tried to explain this in many different ways.

It's like the conversation hadn't happened as then dd would bring up a part of the dream again and its like she is fixated on it and couldn't let it go. This has been all day and up until an hour ago as she wouldn't go to sleep.

OP posts:
ThisisMax · 19/02/2022 22:35

If your child was still crying about a nightmare last night either there is something else going on or you are indavertently encouraging her to re verbalise it by rewarding it with attention. Its not going to be helpful to her long term if she does not have self regulation skills. Your mum- you were just rude to her. Find out whats wrong with your kid and apologise to your mother.

ThisisMax · 19/02/2022 22:37

@venusmay

I've heard the whole dream from start to finish many times throughout the day. Each time she has been sobbing over it and I've worked through it with her. We talked about what was upsetting and I've reassured her and tried to explain this in many different ways.

It's like the conversation hadn't happened as then dd would bring up a part of the dream again and its like she is fixated on it and couldn't let it go. This has been all day and up until an hour ago as she wouldn't go to sleep.

Because you are still engaging on it. Anxiety in kids is like that - so explain once, clearly and calmly, do not revisit, distract and divert. You are giving her a whole days practice in getting worked up with no ending.
Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:39

I think people are not fully understanding here that I have not been trying to revisit this with dd. She has come to me repeatedly about it, I have tried everything- distraction, diversion. It has not worked.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 19/02/2022 22:41

I think I'd be asking DD a bit more about that "nightmare".

Could that be a cover-up excuse for what's really upset her; maybe some phone/SM/ scary/ porn/selfies issue from kids at school. Or watching a video at friends house that she knows they shouldn't have watched.

sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2022 22:44

I completely disagree with @ThisisMax OP. Teaching a child to stuff down and "put aside" distress isn't at all healthy and will cause problems with emotional regulation, not solve them. All that method will teach her is how to appear OK, for the convenience and approval of others.

Much better to spend a bit of time drilling down into what's really bothering her. If she's this upset about a dream, then she needs to talk about it, and if that's repetitive, then so be it - she needs to feel listened to and understood, not told to stuff it down and get on with it. There will be something about this dream which has got under her skin - she may not understand what that is, which is why she needs time and patience from you to resolve it.

Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:47

She doesn't have a phone or ipad, no interest in it either yet. She's only had friends over to our house recently so not seen anything or heard anything unduly scary.

We talk a lot together so I feel like I would know if there was something else worrying her . I will try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
ThisisMax · 19/02/2022 22:50

I didnt say stuff it down, and I do believe you shoukd discuss things, however excessive discussion solves nothing especially if highly aroused emotionally. Much better to revisit later when things are more balanced. Discussing for a whole day is not great at helping the child understand it- just revisits and reignites the feelings. Pause, explain, check in, move off. Revisit later.

Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:51

@sadpapercourtesan

Dm has been telling me all day that she felt dd was attention seeking but I've listened to dd and really tried to be understanding.

By evening I began to wonder if the other approach might be helpful then clearly dm has criticised me for this!

Dd had lots of live and cuddles before bedtime so I'm always there for her. I will try to find out if something else is bothering her tomorrow.

OP posts:
FarFarFarAndAway · 19/02/2022 22:52

I guess what would have been really nice is if your mum had stepped in with your daughter and done something with her, rather than gone around muttering and criticizing you. I wouldn't find someone critical helpful to have around at all, I'd be really upset if I was having an overwhelming time, even if my parenting wasn't fabulous, as sometimes it isn't due to being an actual human! My mum never criticizes me which I really appreciate, but she does let me think things through to try to get me to change, which is a more tactful and supportive thing to do.

I don't know if you needed to ask her to leave, I don't know what your relationship is like normally, I guess she's gone now so no point doing anything, next time I'd just say 'mum I'm struggling a bit, could you help with X'. I wouldn't want someone criticizing me in my own home, even if I wasn't at my best, because I just don't see how it's helpful at all.

Ttcfinalbub · 19/02/2022 22:55

What was the nightmare ? If she can't forget it after the whole day has passed then it has caused her some serious distress and is stuck in her head. Telling her to forget it may not work and you may have to 'debunk' it for her to feel safe again

Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:55

@farfarfarandaway

Thank you, yes I would have really appreciated dms support.i don't think I reacted in the best way possible but I really was hurt at the criticism.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 19/02/2022 22:57

I agree that your dd has something else going on, and the nightmare could just be a read herring. It might also just be that the nightmare has really upset her, and she is worried about it repeating tonight. It isn't her fault you are busy sorting out other children, perhaps you could have let your mum concentrate on the others and have 1 on 1 time with you dd. Its upsetting that you overheard your dm moaning about you, but if she was venting to herself and not to the children then I think kicking her out was cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Whats going on to make you so exhausted?

Original poster
venusmay · 19/02/2022 22:58

Probably my reaction to dm was not helped by a lack of sleep (dc it in the night and dd crying over nightmare). Hoping tonight things might be better.

OP posts:
GlowBuzzers · 19/02/2022 23:06

You were worn down after a day of it with the kids. We've all been there. And I'm sure it was the last straw hearing your mum criticising you. I sympathise. I hope tomorrow is better

Swipe left for the next trending thread