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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset over dm words

43 replies

venusmay · 19/02/2022 21:38

My dh has been working away for the past few days and my dm came to help out with the dcs.

Dd (9) has been very emotional all day and has been crying and angry. She had a nightmare last night and has put it down to this. I've tried to be as sympathetic as possible and have been consoling her all day.

I've also made dinner and looked after my other dcs. Dm has sat with them for a while but then I had to do bathtime. I'm absolutely knackered but managed to do it, dd still sobbing over her bad dream though and after a day of this and other dcs arguing I was pretty worn down. I was trying a more tough love approach with dd, trued to tell her she should try to put the upsetting thought out of her head. Going over and over the bad dream repeatedly wasn't healthy.

I was drying ds gair when I heard dm talking (to herself) in the kitchen that I was being cold, that dd needed my love and that she couldn't believe how I was treating her.

This clearly has led to me having words with dm and asking her to go. I'm so upset after everything that has happened today send really struggling to hear dm saying this stuff!!!

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 19/02/2022 23:08

I wonder what's going on for her to be so upset and need to debrief all day? Have you taught her how to work through sad or anxious feelings on an emotional not just cognitive level?

ClaudiusTheGod · 19/02/2022 23:11

You poor thing

Ignore the pp who have just used this thread as a way of putting the boot in further.

They seem to have missed the fact that your DM said all this stuff aloud although ‘to herself’! So passive-aggressive! There was absolutely no need for her to have done this. She could have come to talk to you about how to deal with your DD in a supportive manner, or she could have kept her thoughts to herself.

Kids are exhausting sometimes. Your mum should know this.

Ozanj · 19/02/2022 23:13

Well now you know how your dd must have felt when you just totally dismissed her feelings. She is 100% right - if your day to day routine is causing you to be unable to show your kids some basic compassion and love then you need to change something.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/02/2022 23:15

You know what, most of us do not have unlimited patience with our children. A whole day of sobbing would have worn me down too. And rightly or wrongly, I would also have used tough love as a last resort. None of us are perfect and I don't think your mum should be muttering under her breath about you, however - I do think you should make friends, she's not perfect either.

Original poster

venusmay · 19/02/2022 23:19

Thank you, I've tried my best. Not perfect but the best I could manage in the circumstances. Hopefully better tomorrow.

OP posts:

midlifecrash · 19/02/2022 23:26

“Debriefing” is actually not helpful in recovery from trauma, it can fix the memory. Diverting sounds like the right thing, and obviously if there is something else going on, save to think about that. It was Rey just a bad dream, all gone, is something else worrying you, is not a bad thing to say

midlifecrash · 19/02/2022 23:26

•space to think, that should have said

Ohyesiam · 19/02/2022 23:29

My son is sedative and has nightmares that he can’t shake off. His experience was totally changed by an alternative type remedy called Rescue Remedy which you can get in boots and Heath food shops.
It’s meant but shock and fear but has been fantastic for nightmares

Frigginintheriggin · 19/02/2022 23:33

At that age I would wonder if your dd was hormonal if this behaviour, not being able to self settle after a nightmare, is unusual?
Dgd has been very highly strung and emotional for a wee while now, body changes etc.
Have you had this talk with her?
Hopefully things will look brighter tomorrow and you can speak to your mum. But do be honest about the hurtful comment because there were different ways to express that to you without criticism.

UniversalAunt · 19/02/2022 23:43

What’s done is done.

You overhead her talking to herself, maybe that’s her way of reasoning things through, & she did not intend for you to hear that otherwise she would have said it to you.

As you say you are overtired & stressed out.
Apologise soonest to up with your mum.
She did come over to yours & wanted to help you.

Hope things get better soon & you have a good night.

ThisisMax · 19/02/2022 23:49

@venusmay

I think people are not fully understanding here that I have not been trying to revisit this with dd. She has come to me repeatedly about it, I have tried everything- distraction, diversion. It has not worked.

Yes but you are the adult so you lead the response.

GlowBuzzers · 19/02/2022 23:53

Dm has been telling me all day that she felt dd was attention seeking but I've listened to dd and really tried to be understanding
If your mum had spent less time saying she was attention seeking, while you were sympathising and consoling her all day and dealing with your other fighting kids, she could have perhaps helped with supporting your dd and you'd have had more of a break that it sounds like you could have done with. Bit much to then criticise you for taking her advice!

GlowBuzzers · 19/02/2022 23:55

I've tried to be as sympathetic as possible and have been consoling her all day
Some posters seem to have missed this bit from your initial post.

UniversalAunt · 20/02/2022 00:09

The nightmare - what is this about?

Not what happened in the nightmare, that is replaying & revisiting the story. But what does the nightmare mean to her?
So rather than ‘ the nasty monsters chased me’ it’d be what do the monsters remind you of, why would a monster chase you, what happens if the monster catches you? A bit analytical but you get the gist. I am not advocating some form of pseudo-pschoanlysis, but repositioning the conversation away from repetition of the story.

If she keeps bringing the story up, there is something underpinning this that she cannot resolve & she needs your help.

If she deploys reliving the nightmare to get your attention, then you need to directly address this.

Friends recently come over? Kids don’t have filters when it comes to appropriate chatter, maybe stuff has been said & she’s not been able to shrug it off?

Is it related to dad being away? Is it for work or another reason? Does she have anxieties about his going or not coming back? Has she picked up on the massive uncertainties from the news or social media? Maybe something connected with Ukraine or Canada? Is she scared about him being out in the lousy weather when people are being told to stay home? Maybe something Covid-ish? Have you had a death in the near family & friends that brought her a different awareness of human vulnerability or mortality? Yes, that’s a big list, but it may be something trivial by our lights that we have taken in our stride or overlooked, but to your DD, it is not so.

Nine years old is an age of transition coming up to the pre-teens, coming out of childhood & becoming far more aware of the bigger world yet not understanding enough to shrug stuff off - very simplified IYSWIM.

Babyvenusplant · 20/02/2022 00:21

My mum used to encourage me to write my nightmare down as a story but change it so it had a happy ending, or change the course so that all the bad things disappeared.

It worked really well and I still do it sometimes now in my 30s if I have reoccurring nightmares.

Just an idea that may help your dd

DropYourSword · 20/02/2022 00:36

Ah, this is tricky.
It's hard to have your parenting be criticised, especially when you've been trying hard all day to sort the issue.

Although equally, if you thought a "tough love" approach to your 9 year old was ok, then I guess accepting overhearing a "tough love" opinion from your MIL isn't too much to ask!

BoredZelda · 20/02/2022 10:17

My mum wasn’t a particularly sympathetic type of person, she was a no nonsense, just get on with it mum. It worked for us and I never had an issue with it. A couple of times she has made comment about us being too hard on our daughter when we’ve dealt with similar situations to yours, where after hours and hours of sympathetic calming, she’s still obsessing and we just can’t do it any longer as it isn’t helping. I ignored her, she sees a snapshot, it was water off a ducks back.

Then my daughter was staying with her for the holidays and she did it there. My mum lost the plot, they had a big fight and I got a phone call at 11pm from my daughter asking me to pick her up (they were 3 hours away) we ended up going the next day to get her. Seems it is easier for Grandma to say than to do! She’s never said it since!

ShepherdMoons · 20/02/2022 16:14

my own experience of this is that my dcs have a tendency to dwell and left to their own devices will obsess a bit too much about things - definitely more than is healthy! This tends to happen more in winter when we are indoors and can't even use the garden for a bit of space.

Sometimes it's not cruel to try to 'snap' them out of ruminating. It's not being harsh, if you've listened and listened and they are still upset then I fully understand why you'd need to try something different.

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