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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of sil??

47 replies

greeneyedgirll · 19/02/2022 21:15

I get so jealous of my sil and bil. Firstly they are so close to pils. (Dh and sils parents) they have lived with them in past when saving for a house so they are all very comfortable with each other and spend lots of time together.
Pils dote on sils dc, they babysit several times a week always doing things with her. They never ask to take out our dc or spend time with her above when we go to visit (couple times a month as we are an hour away)
Sil has a lot of support as well as pils help she has her in-laws who also have their dc regularly plus bils sister who helps all time.
They have a massive friendship group and are always going out/socialising (because they have a fleet of childcare)
All their childcare is free
People are always helping them out. Fil does their diy, he has commented on jobs not done in our house but never offs to help. Mil does their cleaning.
I get so fed up listening to them yammer on about their great lives.

In contrast we have no help, pils say they live too far away. They have dc once every few month overnight if we ask. No family on my side so we just manage. We rarely go out, dc had additional needs so can't leave her with just anyone. We don't have many friends my oh isn't bothered by this but I would like to have more friends I just struggle to make friends. We get on ok with pils and sil but don't have the ease that they have with each other. I also feel sorry for my dc not being as close to her dgp.
Aibu?

OP posts:
balzamico · 19/02/2022 21:19

It's really hard when it's right in front of your face like this but comparison is the thief of joy.
I have cousins exactly as you describe whereas I'd lost my mum before I had dc and dad was unable to help, we live several hours away from mil too.

It meant that we spent a fortune on babysitters and workmen. All I can suggest is that you build friendships locally and perhaps be clear to your pil where they could help you?

Original poster
greeneyedgirll · 19/02/2022 21:25

Yeah I lost my mum last year so don't think it helps. I care for my dad and my sister and brother live in different parts of the country. I don't have many people I'm not good at making friends.

OP posts:
Fudgygoodness · 19/02/2022 21:42

It’s such a shame, we are in a similar boat where we don’t get much help whereas other siblings have had loads…we live too far away, aren’t as interesting etc!

As the other poster said just try not to compare yourselves to them and on the plus side at least you are independent and don’t have to worry about them interfering in your life! Everything might look rosy for sil but it might soon wear thin!

Bananarama21 · 19/02/2022 21:51

I don't think its a case they done anything wrong they have a different relationship ship with their daughter and can be more open with each other. Mils have a hard time trying to navigate a daughter inlaw relationship without trying to be overbearing it's alot easier and natural with a daughter.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/02/2022 21:55

Well when they need care in their dotage it won't fall to you op.
My ils were the same. Never ever had the dc. Didn't need childcare but forging a relationship with your dgc is surely a normal expectation? Sil worked and had free childcare. Ils bought a huge static to take her dc away. My 2 stayed over(at their home) the night we moved. I put them to bed and picked them up at 7 am. Hasn't even had breakfast. Never even went for tea. Sil and her dc had Sunday lunch every single week.
Stings op. I feel for you. Enjoy your dc and if they throw demands your way just be busy /unavailable..

Antsgomarching · 19/02/2022 22:00

We have similar, no babysitting at all, my friendships have definitely fallen away after I had DC because I don’t have the time or energy to meet up with people much. but we knew that as we live abroad. I don’t mind that other people get so much support.

Its not easy doing it by yourself but y’know there a quid pro quo as well, they may be expecting a lot more help back from your SIL as they get older and caring for elderly people is not easy. I’m not saying that in a spiteful way towards your SIL, she may be very happy to do it but there will probably be a time when your SIL is looking enviously at how much time you have.

twominutesmore · 19/02/2022 22:05

You mention that they never offer to help you but do you think it is more reciprocal with sil? So she does things for them, little chores or picking up shopping, thoughtful gestures to show them they're appreciated, checking in with them, inviting them to places. All the people I know who gravitate towards one child over another, it is because that child makes them feel loved and appreciated. I am not saying that you don't do that btw, I have no idea, but just asking the question.

Also, obviously, if sil lives within 'popping in' distance I think that makes a big difference - lots of points of contact that happen spontaneously.

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 22:10

OP why don't you try and forge a better relationship with your PIL. Start ringing your MIL up for chats and practice actively listening to her and remembering bits about her to say in the next conversation. Why don't you try being open about your feelings and say to MIL - I feel a little bit left out and I know we live far away but I really want you guys to be closer to us.

If that doesn't work then at least you've tried. But you wouldn't be feeling jealous unless you wanted some closeness, so forge it. Try this for a couple of months and then see if anything has changed.

EKGEMS · 19/02/2022 22:14

Same scenario played out in my husband's family-his older brother and family and younger sister and family received help financially and time . Never babysat my son and very rarely helped us. In fact bought us shitty used baby equipment from a yard sale whereas the other grandkids got bought all new equipment. Offered to come help for a full week when their grandson our son needed major orthopedic surgery age six (child was to be in plaster casts on both legs up to waist for six weeks after) and only stayed 36 hours in town left while he was still in ICU-worried how their daughter and sil would cope with a single vehicle! I've never forgiven them for that

Stressedout1009 · 19/02/2022 22:22

It's their daughter, I'm not sure why you would expect the same? It's for your dh to take issue and speak to them surely? Maybe they don't feel comfortable to babysit your DC as they are not sure how to support their needs? Do you make an effort with them?

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 22:25

This is likely the distance as you said. As well as the fact they all lived together. It’s so much easier though when you’re geographically close.

I think your jealousy is a sign of your unhappiness with your own life, the no friends, no social life thing.

Instead of focusing on what they have, why don’t you focus on fixing the areas you’d like to improve. Friends, social life, trusted child care.

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 22:27

I’d also agree, this is their daughter. They likely have a very different relationship with your husband their son. What effort does he make with them?

betwixtlives · 19/02/2022 22:29

YABU

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 22:31

I find that when I feel jealous it's best to have a look at what I'm actually unhappy about and change it rather then getting more jealous and turning resentful.

EllaB22 · 19/02/2022 22:33

It sounds like they have a different relationship with their son. Maybe it is the difference in daughters? I know I seem to pop in and out of my parents more than my brother does which in turn leads to making more plan etc.

oldestmumaintheworld · 19/02/2022 22:46

I'm sorry but I think you are being unfair to your in-laws. They are helping their daughter who lives close by. Their son lives an hour away and isn't bothered about having less contact with them. So they prioritise their efforts on their daughter. How is that their fault?
I can understand that you find your situation unsatisfactory, but that's not their fault either.
You can change your circumstances. Move closer to your in-laws, encourage your husband to make more effort with his parents, or make more friends of your own. I realise that all sounds a bit glib. But you are aiming your dislike at the wrong targets.

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 22:49

@TuscanApothecary

I find that when I feel jealous it's best to have a look at what I'm actually unhappy about and change it rather then getting more jealous and turning resentful.
This. Every time.

Jealousy is just a symptom of something you are deeply unhappy about and want for yourself.

In this instance you want child care, a social life, friends.

Your husband isn’t arsed with friends, or even his parents, or a social life. So you need to go sort yourself out independently. Not sit and be jealous someone else has a life you want.😞

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2022 22:58

You put it in terms of what they do for their DD, but it also means that chances are if they need help she and her DH are the ones they call on. Or they will when the day comes that they need help.

Would you want to move 1 hr closer to PiL if it meant that you got a higher level of support but were expected to help them out if/when they need it?

DiddyHeck · 19/02/2022 23:05

If your partner had the same sort of relationship with his parents as his sister does, the chances are you would also be closer to them all. But he doesn't so that's not really going to change.

TabithaTittlemouse · 19/02/2022 23:11

Why not make friends with your pil and sil instead of being jealous? Involve yourself, invite them into your life.

Original poster
greeneyedgirll · 20/02/2022 07:05

Thanks for replies, its interesting the people who are in same boat are definitely more sympathetic although nobody has been mean so thank you for that.

I agree sil does more for pils- dog sitting, picking stuff up from shop etc.We don't do any of that as not around to do it. So yes they do support more.

Dh is not bothered really, the only thing that slightly affected him was when pils cooked a special meal for bils birthday and dh didn't even get a card on time! He would see less of them really and it's generally me that rings/makes effort.

I have tried many times to build a closer relationship with mil and pil and it's been politely rebuffed. I've suggested meeting up /shopping/lunch. It's generally either politely turned down or cancelled and not rearranged. A couple of times it's happened but not often plus it's never suggested on the other side. Mil is a bit snippy with me at times I'm not sure why but I'm guessing I annoy her in some way.

Sil is very bossy when pils need help in old age she will definitely insist we pull our weight.

Agree re jealousy I'm struggling to make changes to my life that I feel would make n me happier due to my responsibilities but yes I never really cared until my life got harder and after dc was born.

We have had a difficult few years losing my mum, both of us struggle with mental health, caring for dad and dc and my other sister died. So I think some of resentment comes from feeling pils could have helped more and seeing how much they do for sil makes that harder. Sil has a great life because everyone around her enables her to and the best think is she doesn't seem to appreciate it.

OP posts:
twominutesmore · 20/02/2022 07:22

Well I guess there are two courses of action.

You can decide that you have tried hard enough with pil and sil already, that they are not interested and just back off, concentrating on other ways to make yourself happy.

Or you can make a concerted effort to be more involved in all of their lives - pil and sil. Call more, visit more, maybe tell them that you would like to see more of them, suggest outings. Steer clear of asking for help and just focus on strengthening relationships. Ask questions about their lives, do things for them. And just see what happens.

I think some people would say do the first one, because you say that you've already tried and been rebuffed. But if pils have had a lifetime of a daughter who clearly wants to be a major part of their lives, and a son who 'isn't bothered' then maybe that has set the tone for the way the relationships have evolved. From their point of view, might they think that you moved an hour away, rarely call, only seem interested when they are needed to babysit?

By the way - lots of people don't have anyone to do even occasional babysitting. How do you ask and think them for that? People don't remember what you say and do, but they remember how you made them feel.

Maybe go for a compromise. A concerted effort for a certain period of time, to see if anything changes.

TuscanApothecary · 20/02/2022 07:27

It's great you can identify what you need to feel happier.

Also SIL can be as bossy as she wants, she can't make you or you DH do anything.

Time to make some changes OP. Think of this next step as exciting. Is there anything you really want to do? Can you and DH swap a night each week to join in?

I think there are parent apps now. Also in my local area MeetUp do a parents park group. Make parent friends. Make that your mission.

I was a single parent to small dc. It was relentless but I made a great group of other single mum friends. We went out to eat at a soft play pub place every Friday so the dc could play and we could eat shit burgers and drink wine. We did picnics, we did days out ect and eventually we did help each other out with childcare. Make parent friends OP. Keep trying until you do.

What else do you want to do? Design the ideal family life with dh and try each day/ week to do a step towards it. You'll be so happy you won't even care about SIL and what childcare she gets.

Cattitudes · 20/02/2022 07:30

Sil is very bossy when pils need help in old age she will definitely insist we pull our weight.

You just practice saying no. 'Ah yes I remember that stage with my parents, all with a young child and no support. Maybe a care home would be best.'

I would concentrate on your friends, maybe find a hobby. Book a babysitter.

nonevernotever · 20/02/2022 07:41

Lots of good advice here, though interested to see just how many people assumed that sil is your pil's daughter, when in fact pil's had two sons, and sil is married to your DHS brother. (It really annoys me when people do the whole thing about daughters being closer to their mothers so of course it's reasonable to treat your grown up children and their families differently. That isn't an issue here) . I would concentrate on building friendships and on practising being assertive in small ways, so that if /when sil does start to demand things you have the confidence to push back nicely.