Jealous of sil??

[greeneyedgirll]

I get so jealous of my sil and bil. Firstly they are so close to pils. (Dh and sils parents) they have lived with them in past when saving for a house so they are all very comfortable with each other and spend lots of time together.
Pils dote on sils dc, they babysit several times a week always doing things with her. They never ask to take out our dc or spend time with her above when we go to visit (couple times a month as we are an hour away)
Sil has a lot of support as well as pils help she has her in-laws who also have their dc regularly plus bils sister who helps all time.
They have a massive friendship group and are always going out/socialising (because they have a fleet of childcare)
All their childcare is free
People are always helping them out. Fil does their diy, he has commented on jobs not done in our house but never offs to help. Mil does their cleaning.
I get so fed up listening to them yammer on about their great lives.

In contrast we have no help, pils say they live too far away. They have dc once every few month overnight if we ask. No family on my side so we just manage. We rarely go out, dc had additional needs so can't leave her with just anyone. We don't have many friends my oh isn't bothered by this but I would like to have more friends I just struggle to make friends. We get on ok with pils and sil but don't have the ease that they have with each other. I also feel sorry for my dc not being as close to her dgp.
Aibu?

Sounds to me your husband has a very different relationship with his parents, even if you were closer can you honestly say the relationship would be the same, he’d be Popping to the shop, dog sitting, helping them out like his sister does?

You say you both don’t have the same ease as you didn’t live with them. But your husband did live with them, so clearly something very different in the relationship that’s not all one sided.

I honestly think the pair of you going down the resentment route and blaming them is not going to do any of you any favours.

You married a man who doesn’t have a friendship circle, isn’t fussed about socialising and isn’t very close to his parents. In parts of this Ie the friendship part, you are very similar.

Please stop focusing on them and what they all have what you don’t, and start to make the changes to your life that allows you to make friends, get socialising, find reliable childcare. It’s not your inlaws fault.

So start to think how do you make friends? Do you have old friends you have lost touch with? What about work, do you work? Anyone there you can reach out to? Local child groups to interact with other parents? Your local community, does it have stuff going on you could get invovlved with?

You need to make the effort, only you can fix it, only you are responsible for your own happiness.

I

This happened to us to a lesser degree and for different reasons. One SILleft her partner and children and at a later age had babies with a new who then left. Pil then spent all their time caring and supporting the sil. I understood why and as a dil I think they are always closer to own daughter. But it didn't make it fair for my children and we had no help as my parents were not around.
As they got older she complained about always doing stuff for pil but I just shrug. You can't have the best of them and not support them in return. We do our bit but when it suits us

@nonevernotever

Lots of good advice here, though interested to see just how many people assumed that sil is your pil's daughter, when in fact pil's had two sons, and sil is married to your DHS brother. (It really annoys me when people do the whole thing about daughters being closer to their mothers so of course it's reasonable to treat your grown up children and their families differently. That isn't an issue here) . I would concentrate on building friendships and on practising being assertive in small ways, so that if /when sil does start to demand things you have the confidence to push back nicely.

'I get so jealous of my sil and bil. Firstly they are so close to pils. (Dh and sils parents)'

This part of op made me think sil is pil's daughter.

@nonevernotever

Lots of good advice here, though interested to see just how many people assumed that sil is your pil's daughter, when in fact pil's had two sons, and sil is married to your DHS brother. (It really annoys me when people do the whole thing about daughters being closer to their mothers so of course it's reasonable to treat your grown up children and their families differently. That isn't an issue here) . I would concentrate on building friendships and on practising being assertive in small ways, so that if /when sil does start to demand things you have the confidence to push back nicely.

I get so jealous of my sil and bil. Firstly they are so close to pils (Dh and sils parents) literally the second sentence.

Sounds like it's because you live an hour away. If you lived closer things may be different

Comparison is the thief of joy.

They have dc once every few month overnight if we ask.

If I compared my situation to yours, you'd definitely be "winning" here. My parents have taken my DS who is 5.5 overnight once. Ever.

It’s quite a lot to have your dc overnight every few months though.You’re lucky.

So really your husband has no interest in a relationship with his parents while his sister is frequently helping them out and you're surprised they do more for her?

Could it be that sil asks a lot rather than them offering?

I know my mil does a lot more for my sil but I've never heard her offer. I have heard sil asking her quite a few times, I think she puts her on the spot and she can't say no or think of an excuse 😂 She doesn't do a lot childcare at all but it is every week and in comparison does none for our kids. She does if I ask but I hate asking!

@user1471457751 frequently is a stretch. They have their dog once a year for a week and odd overnight if pils away. We would do it but it's easier for them to ask sil. However sils dog lives with them Monday- Friday and pils do all walks in week plus babysit several times a week at least once over night( for socialising not work) our dog has to go kennels as they feel it would be too much for them to have 3 dogs!! They once said when dc was a toddler that they couldn't have her when sils dog was there as sils dog not good with little kids. I suggested maybe they didn't have sils dog when our dc was there. They looked at me gone out.

@pradavilla good point it's likely she does ask a lot but when we rarely ask pils are a bit put out yet never seem bother that they have dn so much.

@Ratherdogsthanpeople thank you your right it could be worse

@nonevernotever sil is their child. If you are thinking the birthday meal yes that was for their son in law not actual child.

@twominutesmore oops I missed that. I saw the bit about bil getting a birthday meal and no card for DH and jumped to conclusions. Sorry!

your husband is not bothered about having a close relationship with his parents, your sil is bothered. thats the difference. not much you can do about it

@twominutesmore great reply.

Tbf we are not never in contact I ring at least once a week and arrange to see them every other weekend it's just usually me that does the organising. Dh would happily see them less but I think it's good for dc. I think people are right about the dynamic before I came on scene, it's likely dh showed little interest before he met me. I never thought of that. No when I met him he was very sociable with friends he's got lazy as we have got older and not bothered to maintain friendships. I have a few friends but no one I feel particularly close to I miss the closeness of my friendships when I was younger.

Honestly op you’re fighting a loosing battle, if your husband isn’t going to step up with them then there’s not much that can be done.

This post has been really helpful actually. Like with the birthday meal for bil. We usually do birthdays at home just us and would probably see them the weekend before rather than on dh birthday whereas sil tends to see them on the day so it makes sense they wouldn't do a birthday meal for dh. But pants they couldn't post a card on time.

She’s their daughter. She will always e closer, and she probably does stuff for them that you don’t even realise. YABU

@Bellyups

She’s their daughter. She will always e closer, and she probably does stuff for them that you don’t even realise. YABU

True I don't see it all but pils definitely do a lot more for her.

@greeneyedgirll

I think at this point you need to quietly back away and let your DH 'lead' the relationship (or lack thereof). Stop trying to facilitate contact or keep things 'alive', leave that up to your DH. If DH 'drops the ball' and/or PiL let it dwindle to nothing that tells you all you need to know. But at least you won't have the heartache of having 'done all you can' and still being rejected. Plus the less you're involved the less you'll know about what they're doing for SiL. Ignorance is bliss in this situation.

As far as SiL dictating your 'caring responsibilities', well, she can try. You can say 'no'. But as with the above, it will be your DH's decision as to what level of involvement he chooses to provide. If he chooses to 'do' for his parents despite their treatment of him, that is his decision. But what he does not have the right to do is to create a huge burden for you by doing so or to 'volunteer' you for duties. This is something that the two of you will need to talk about at some point, before the need arises.

My situation is a bit different as all 4 of our parents were really wonderful people, but when our parents first starting showing signs of aging, DH and I decided that we would fully facilitate each other in helping or caring for them when that time came but that we would not expect the other to be an 'active carer' for the other's parent, but would take a 'supporting role' at home. So when his mother became ill I took over everything which freed him up to do what he felt he needed to do. So if he was gone overnight, if he needed to run errands, if he wanted to sit by her bedside I just got on with the things needing doing on the 'home front'. Then when it was 'my turn' he did the same for me. It worked for us. We never felt we were burdening each other and when we lost our parents we both felt at peace that we had done all we could to help them or to facilitate their care. I'm not suggesting that is right in your situation, just that he and I had talked it all out beforehand so that when the time came it was a smooth transition.

You just practice saying no. 'Ah yes I remember that stage with my parents, all with a young child and no support. Maybe a care home would be best.'

Ouch!