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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

know i'm probably being hormonal/ unfair....

27 replies

mummyandstepmummy1990 · 19/02/2022 21:04

hi mum's

I guess in my heart i know im being really unfair i just need to get this off my chest and someone to give me a virtual poke. im sorry this is long but no one else i can talk to or ask. So i am a biological mum to 5 children aged 16,14,11,4 and just 3 and a step mum to 2 children aged 12 (girl) and 7 (boy). I met my partner 4 and 1/2 years ago and he had full custody of the step children when i met him (they dont see their mum).

Before i rant i want to say i can hand on heart say i love these children exactly as i love my own, our relationship moved quite quickly and i began caring for them within about 4 weeks of being together and when their dad (M) went to work away I looked after them 5 days a week, I have arranged brownies, after school clubs, got my little SD into her secondary school. i put this because he makes me feel a little like i am an evil step mother at the moment but it really isnt my intention to be.

So the last 6-10 weeks maybe my SD has been a real madam, not in a outright naughty way but she seems to have absolutley no respect for anything i say, I know this was going to happen at this age and i know its an age thing having had the 2 older girls ( i also had his daughter who is 17 who i brought up so used to teenagers). ... but there have been a couple of things that i am really hurt about, i know im being unfair but its really bugged me.... So i asked her to have a bath and dry her hair the other evening, M is a brilliant dad but he isnt great with routine, she hadnt had a shower in 4-5 days so i didnt want her to be bullied, she washed her hair and sat in my room to dry it but i think was grumpy as there is a big circle burn mark from the hairdryer on my new carpet (4 weeks old), I have ignored it as didnt want to make a fuss but went up today and she was throwing loo roll against the wall with our youngest (3) in the bathroom so unfairly i did flip.....

i really shouted i know i shouldnt have and she isnt my child but it feels like he is happy to involve me when it suits him, I was so angry and i feel awful i shouted at both her and him and i know i should have kept out but i am so tired of having to ignore the behaviour. I am currently 5 months pregnant (also a shock as i didnt really expect it) and trying to process

I have done the really immature thing and blocked everything because i dont know what to do, I have appologised for shouting at L which he accepted, although as soon as i mentioned L being a bit of a madam his comment was to contact SS or a solicitor.

AIBU to just want him to address this,

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 21:09

He is the problem, not the child.

I don't really see how he's a brilliant dad. This doesn't sound like brilliant dad behaviour and nor does leaving a woman he's been dating 4 weeks to do all his childcare and get his child into secondary school. Confused

That's not a criticism of you, that's a criticism of him.

Butchyrestingface · 19/02/2022 21:09

as soon as i mentioned L being a bit of a madam his comment was to contact SS or a solicitor.

I don't understand this part - is he being sarcastic?

You're soon going to have 8 children to care for, is that right?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 19/02/2022 21:12

So he’s one of those brilliant dads who leaves his kids with a complete stranger for days on end and can’t be arsed with basic parenting like ensuring that his child washes?

Original poster
mummyandstepmummy1990 · 19/02/2022 21:14

sorry that came across wrong, i started caring for the babies after 4 weeks, we had been together 3 years when I got our SD/DD into secondray school sorry. No he isnt being sarcastic he really thinks im being unfair for having enough of the rudeness. I know i was probably unfair i did shout and (massivly wrongly) i told her she was being a complete Bit* which i know i shouldnt have but i was so angry, yes I have 8 soon to care for

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 21:30

That doesn't really make anything sound better.

EllaVaNight · 19/02/2022 21:30

The first thing I'll say is I really disagree with (usually poor) behaviour being described as being "hormonal". It does nothing for women and puts up another barrier to women being taken seriously.

That said, could you explain in what way your boyfriend is a good father when he can't even get basic cleanliness right? And he left you to care for his children when he barely knows you? He has done nothing to safeguard his children. You could have had bad intentions for all he knew.

The stepdaughter isn't the problem. Her father is.

Fayekrista · 19/02/2022 21:36

Soon to be caring for 8 children .... you lady are a superhero!! (Seriously, hats off to you!)
OK, you lost your temper & shouted... you're human, she's old enough to know right from wrong & she was being a b.
You apologised, quite rightly after.
You're 5 months pregnant...
Please cut yourself some slack.
It's dad that needs a head wobble here not you.
I am a parent & was also a step parent for 9 years. If them kids are under your care then you parent them like you do your own. Unless you're unfairly treating her to how you would have reacted to your own biological children then there's no issue. If he has one then he can take over parenting her 100% of the time.
Go easy on yourself

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 21:37

No we all shout at our own dc sometimes. It's not great but it's normal. I would have flipped with the burn in my new carpet, that's probably why you flipped with the toilet roll because of that annoyance having built up.

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 21:38

I also don't think your P is a very good dad. Sorry but not noticing that your kid hasn't had a shower for 4/5 days, that's minging and neglectful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2022 21:41

although as soon as i mentioned L being a bit of a madam his comment was to contact SS or a solicitor.

Yeah right. He wants to divorce even though he has studiously avoided any kind of parenting for years.

Original poster
mummyandstepmummy1990 · 19/02/2022 22:25

the awful thing is i know he was a great dad because he really was, he got custody of them and he did more than most to get them but i guess i feel like since we got together he has become lazy and maybe takes me for granted. I do shout at my own children as well but i guess ive never seen a seperation I love his 2 the exact same as mine.......

We separated before, he walked out and took my son in front of police officers (who was 9 months at the time) and I guess i am scared of it happening again if i walk away as i dont think i could cope with losing my baby again as well as walking away from my step children , he is quite manipulative at times, he has made me appologise to his 1 year old before for something she has done . I havent told any of my family i am pregnant again because i am scared to lose my support network... my clostest friend is my eldest daughters dad, weve been friends 17 years but he has recently said he is concerned M is being cohersive abusive

The kids dont see their mum because he told me she wasnt fit to see them ( he says she was on drugs although never seen proof of this and thee is a bit of me recently that wonders if this is maybe not true).

I am not sure i can ever leave because not sure i could ever walk away from his kids but i am tired of being told im weird, mental, a bully ( i never mean to shout at them im just tired). I rarely leave the kids with him and he never lets me go anywhere without at least one of them, i have 2 horses (which i pay for and am often made to feel bad for having even though they are my company through the day).

Before we met I was a pub manager, i had a social life and friends and have moved to the other end of the country have no one and now feel really crap for letting down my SD I did get cross and i really shouldnt have she didnt desereve it at all
I

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/02/2022 22:44

Honey, you're being abused. The way he talks to you and treats you is NOT okay. Also, he doesn't get to use you as a parent for the day to day caring, then complain when you parent them when they misbehave.
She's 12, it's a dificult age, but that's not a pass to misbehave and do whatever she wants. You've apologised, has she? Also, is there anywhere at all you could go, or kick him out to?

Original poster
mummyandstepmummy1990 · 19/02/2022 22:51

@AlmostAJillSandwich

Honey, you're being abused. The way he talks to you and treats you is NOT okay. Also, he doesn't get to use you as a parent for the day to day caring, then complain when you parent them when they misbehave. She's 12, it's a dificult age, but that's not a pass to misbehave and do whatever she wants. You've apologised, has she? Also, is there anywhere at all you could go, or kick him out to?
we aren't living together at the moment (my choice) , its one of the reasons i feel so guilty because i told him to go back to his this evening because i was so angry but I was told i "have no commitment" and "dont care about him and the kids"... I have risen to him which im so cross about and i shoul have kept my mouth shut it was just some mess.. guess it has made me see him differently for the 1st time, he has definatly manipulated my eldest ones so any disagreement they take his side but i guess he wanted it like that
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2022 05:17

If you're not living together, who are all the children living with?

snowdropsanddaffodils · 20/02/2022 05:24

I'm confused by the timeline - you have a 4 and a 3 year old - are these with this man? If you've been together 4 1/2 years and now pregnant with another? Then there is the step children who are 7 and 12? But then whose is the 17 year old? You don't live together so who do the kids live with? This sounds like a right royal mess to be honest

steff13 · 20/02/2022 05:33

Are there going to be 9 kids total? You mentioned your five, plus his two, but then you mentioned a 17-year-old and one on the way. Y'all are prolific.

Saying she was a bitch wasn't great. But you're caring for seven kids and pregnant with an eighth. That's got to be difficult and he sounds worse than useless.

illyawasthebest · 20/02/2022 06:11

She's possibly acting up because of all the stress and wondering if you really care about her or will be around long term. She's been taken away from her mum at an early age from the sounds of it and could easily have attachment issues.

Meanwhile he sounds like a total piece of shit OP, and you sound (understandably) battered down.

Honestly if I were you I'd be talking to solicitors right now (without telling him). Get all the paperwork together. Start to brace yourself for a divorce from a manipulative man who will do his worst.

ChiselandBits · 20/02/2022 07:58

So he 'got' his kids from his ex, found someone else to wipe their bums within a month, 'took' your one year old away from you, can't oversee basic hygiene care and never has all the children on his own. You split up more than once. There's no evidence his ex was actually on drugs and he's alienated their children from her. Jesus fucking christ woman. Sell your horses, use the time money and energy to leave this dangerous abusive arsehole and get a good solicitor, a job and good childcare.

Arabellla · 20/02/2022 08:30

He sounds awful. Dump him.

Do you want the baby? With 5 kids you’ve got your hands full.

formalineadeline · 20/02/2022 16:01

This is coercive control.

billy1966 · 20/02/2022 16:18

I feel so sorry for your original children.

You brought a highly abusive waster into their lives and home and started looking after his children after 4 weeks!!!???

Wtf were you thinking?

You are pregnant again?

What an absolute nightmare of a childhood for your children.

Can you terminate this pregnancy and get this man and his children out of your home and focus on your children?

What a mess.

Call Womens aid and the police if necessary to get this man and his children out of your home.

They have no respect for you.
You have no respect for you.

Your children deserve better than this abusive waster who you brought into their lives so he could have a skivvy for his children.

Just awful.

Ileflottante · 20/02/2022 16:32

What an absolute mess. I also can’t follow the timeline of the many, many children. And with number eight on the way…

You sound frightened and abused, you use a lot of apologetic language like “I unfairly shouted…”, “I know I shouldn’t have…” etc, while trying to say what a good dad he is. Frankly he sounds like a lazy shit dad and a worse partner.

How old are you? Your username suggests your 31/32. That’s very young to be burdened with so much misery and shit.

PinkSyCo · 20/02/2022 18:09

I’m confused. So when you met your fella he had 3 kids (where’s the 17 year old now btw) who he dumped with you after 4 weeks even though you had your own 3 kids to look after single handedly. You very quickly go on to have another 2 kids together and are now pregnant again. Your fella doesn’t live with you but all his kids do? Is that right? Then you shout at his DD and tell him she’s a little madam and he starts talking about contacting solicitors and social services. Why? Is that some sort of threat? What are they even supposed to do?

mcdog · 20/02/2022 19:03

OP, you're in a right mess :( Have a look at The Freedom Project online, and see if you recognise any of the behaviours they explain on there. If you do, there are ways out of this situation.

Meandthesky · 20/02/2022 19:11

He sounds like a shit dad if he can’t even be bothered to make sure his kids shower! And dumped the responsibility for caring for young children on a woman he’d only been dating for 4 weeks.

If he wants you to take responsibility for his kids when it suits him, he needs to allow you to apply appropriate discipline as well

Run in the opposite direction.

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