know i'm probably being hormonal/ unfair....

[mummyandstepmummy1990]

hi mum's

I guess in my heart i know im being really unfair i just need to get this off my chest and someone to give me a virtual poke. im sorry this is long but no one else i can talk to or ask. So i am a biological mum to 5 children aged 16,14,11,4 and just 3 and a step mum to 2 children aged 12 (girl) and 7 (boy). I met my partner 4 and 1/2 years ago and he had full custody of the step children when i met him (they dont see their mum).

Before i rant i want to say i can hand on heart say i love these children exactly as i love my own, our relationship moved quite quickly and i began caring for them within about 4 weeks of being together and when their dad (M) went to work away I looked after them 5 days a week, I have arranged brownies, after school clubs, got my little SD into her secondary school. i put this because he makes me feel a little like i am an evil step mother at the moment but it really isnt my intention to be.

So the last 6-10 weeks maybe my SD has been a real madam, not in a outright naughty way but she seems to have absolutley no respect for anything i say, I know this was going to happen at this age and i know its an age thing having had the 2 older girls ( i also had his daughter who is 17 who i brought up so used to teenagers). ... but there have been a couple of things that i am really hurt about, i know im being unfair but its really bugged me.... So i asked her to have a bath and dry her hair the other evening, M is a brilliant dad but he isnt great with routine, she hadnt had a shower in 4-5 days so i didnt want her to be bullied, she washed her hair and sat in my room to dry it but i think was grumpy as there is a big circle burn mark from the hairdryer on my new carpet (4 weeks old), I have ignored it as didnt want to make a fuss but went up today and she was throwing loo roll against the wall with our youngest (3) in the bathroom so unfairly i did flip.....

i really shouted i know i shouldnt have and she isnt my child but it feels like he is happy to involve me when it suits him, I was so angry and i feel awful i shouted at both her and him and i know i should have kept out but i am so tired of having to ignore the behaviour. I am currently 5 months pregnant (also a shock as i didnt really expect it) and trying to process

I have done the really immature thing and blocked everything because i dont know what to do, I have appologised for shouting at L which he accepted, although as soon as i mentioned L being a bit of a madam his comment was to contact SS or a solicitor.

AIBU to just want him to address this,

We separated before, he walked out and took my son in front of police officers (who was 9 months at the time) and I guess i am scared of it happening again if i walk away as i dont think i could cope with losing my baby again as well as walking away from my step children , he is quite manipulative at times, he has made me appologise to his 1 year old before for something she has done

Why on earth are you calling him a good dad? Let alone a great one?

I rarely leave the kids with him and he never lets me go anywhere without at least one of them

You're in an abusive relationship.

All the kids involved are therefore growing up in an abusive household.

Give your kids the gift of stopping this absolute shit show now and end the relationship for good.

Then get some counselling because even now you don't seem to see how unbelievably irresponsible of both of you it was to have you 'caring for' his children one month into dating. Ridiculous. He tested you by getting you to do that and soon upped your caring responsibilities for his kids to five days a week. He's used you for the last 4.5 years.

Don't give the rest of your 30s to this waste of space. I would say the same to someone in their 40s / 50s / 60s but it's extra depressing that you're contemplating throwing any more years away on him when you haven't known him that long in reality (less than 5 years) and are still so young.

Men like him use women, they outsource the adulting they view as beneath them - usually cooking, cleaning and childcare. He'll have another young, naive woman soon in after you leave so that he doesn't have to step up childcare wise. He'll tell them you're a nightmare etc and make them feel sorry for him. And unfortunately they'll fall for it like you did. Let him crack on with it. It's no life for you living this way, you can't even go out alone.

Has he gone home now? Are his children with him?

It's not great for your step children but they're his responsibility and you need to put your own children first. Change the locks and tell him that they cannot come round. As PP have said have a look at the Freedom project and try and get some legal advice. You need to be away from him and have a long period of time where you are single to put 100% of your efforts into your children.