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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH never does anything properly

43 replies

Magnolia2022 · 19/02/2022 15:29

I mean diy wise. He doesn’t have a trade so labours for a friend. Is terrible at keeping books. He does awfully botched diy jobs around the house even to the point of fiddling with electrics! Thinks he’s a pro. Is almost offended at the idea of getting in a professional if he could just do it himself?!! We own our home and since we’ve bought it everything that goes wrong it’s Dr DiY 😩 the front door doesn’t hang properly, the flooring is a mess, the leaky roof has been ‘fixed’ and still drips and is now looking like it might have interior damage, the kitchen units are just hanging off and keep getting ‘fixed’ and hang wrong and it’s just a shit show. The grass is all dead even though he’s reseeded it badly but won’t let professionals in to fix it. He’s tried to replace window handles and just left them without locks because he’s messed up. Honestly it’s awful. We don’t have an unlimited supply of money but we could cover professional costs for some of these things. There’s just no need to spend out on materials to cock it up and then leave it looking like this. I can’t tell him it upsets me because I don’t want t hurt his feelings but it’s really bothering me. Every room in the house looks terrible! Im just starting to notice how bad it all is now we’ve been here for long enough for the cracks to start showing. How do I deal with this? Is this normal for alot of men?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 15:39

No not normal but then neither is the decision to leave all the diy to someone who is no good at diy - and then not be able to talk about it. Can he cook? Clean? Help w the kids? Could he not do that whilst you do diy? Or if you are both hopeless call someone in.

YANBU to not like the status quo.
YABU not to bring it up w him.

OMGItsEarly · 19/02/2022 15:41

I thought mine was bad!

I recently sent DSis photos of DH’s wallpapering
He has a go at anything & thinks he can do it all. He can do quite a lot but, unfortunately, none of it is done well.

It used to upset and stress me but I have learnt to lower my standards 😂

Seriously though, I recently tried to imagine putting the house on the market & what people viewing it would think as they walked around. They’d be looking at the wonky bathroom tiles, the patchy filling in the dining room, the no more gaps that has stained the dining room window pvc where it dripped and he rubbed it when he tried to fill a gap above the window. The shoddy painting. The wonky carpet he fitted in one of the bedrooms, the shelves that aren’t quite straight….the list goes on & on. I’ve pretty much given up.

If you have the funds could you phone someone to fix the odd thing whilst he’s out at work?

PussInBin20 · 19/02/2022 15:42

The only way to deal with it is to talk about it. You can say it in nice (but firm) way that his way isn’t working for you.

I would maybe have the list ready of all the things that aren’t right in case he asks for examples. Surely he knows these things aren’t right though?

It will eat you up if not addressed. I know because although my DP does do things properly (& is very good) he just never finishes what he starts and it drives me potty.

honeylulu · 19/02/2022 16:02

I can’t tell him it upsets me because I don’t want t hurt his feelings but it’s really bothering me

What about your feelings? Why do his rank above yours?

It's not just that he isn't doing jobs properly, he is damaging the house and wasting money. Plus spoiling both your enjoyment of it. You need to tell him. Next, what to do?

Can you do DIY? If not can you learn (and do a better job? ) I can do some things but no good at others.

If neither of you are any good then yes it's a professional job. Prioritise what you will need to pay out for. I suggest you start with the windows with no locks - it probably invalidates your insurance.

He "won't agree" to get anyone in - be firm and say you have given the DIY option a good chance but that's what needs to happen. Then make the calls. He can hardly stop you.

StripeyDeckchair · 19/02/2022 16:04

So it's OK for you to be upset at the state of your house because your DPs crap DIY skills are mucking it up but you can't risk upsetting him by telling him the truth?

Hes an adult and needs to face up to reality - that he's not the DIY King he likes to think he is.

Also all this crap DIY is damaging & devaluing your biggest asset - your home.

Time for a discussion on priorities & how & when & by whom they are going to be addressed.

Bryonny84 · 19/02/2022 16:05

Wow, someone else is married to my husband! I feel your pain and it is normal for a lot of men. Wait until he's out working and then get a man in to do it. He probably won't even notice (mine doesn't). I agree that living in a shit show with everything half done or done wrong is depressing. Just get someone in to fix it. Job done. If he tries to cause a row over it give him whisky until he falls asleep.

Somanysocks · 19/02/2022 16:08

Does he need glasses? Perhaps he can't see how bad it is.

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2022 16:12

I don’t really get this OP - you’re married and have a house.

You should be able to talk frankly.

I would make a list of all the things that need doing by room and costings and then just sit down and say that you’re getting it done.

You need to be clear and honest.

Original poster
Magnolia2022 · 19/02/2022 16:23

A few of theses posts made me giggle! There may be any diy wannabes out there!! I am going to get a professional in to fix the roof and check there’s no internal damage and get the locks fixed. These are really important as a pp mentioned.

I can talk to him honestly I just don’t want to make him feel like shit about himself because he does try.

Yes he does loads for the family, kids and cleans and cooks but diy is not his best skill!! Nor mine! I’m worse! You should see me try to hang a picture!! So yes to the professionals and to the one who recommended doing this while he’s out! Yes!!! I will definitely be doing this!!

OP posts:
WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 19/02/2022 16:25

Why don't you do it yourself?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 16:26

I couldn't tolerate this. He's a fucking menace.

JudgeJ · 19/02/2022 16:30

I can talk to him honestly I just don’t want to make him feel like shit about himself because he does try

My late OH was a bit like this, his reply was usually I'm trying! and I usually replied Yes, you're very trying.
If he took the car in for repairs when we were young and drove some very dodgy vehicles, the mechanic would say it's £x /hour or £1.25x/hour if you help! We often had to pay extra because they first of all had to undo his efforts.

stuntbubbles · 19/02/2022 16:34

It’s DIY though not DHI – do you ever step in and fix stuff?

It’s not all men (a phrase I never thought I’d type: DP hates DIY but wants to save money so he does it and does it meticulously, researching how to do it, making sure he has enough time, and taking time over it. If it’s beyond him and me, we get someone in to do it. If it’s something he’s crap at, like painting and gardening, I do it. If it’s something I’m crap at, like wiring or carpentry, he does it.

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2022 16:34

But isn’t he aware how shit he is at it?

LuckyAmy1986 · 19/02/2022 16:36

I wouldn’t find this funny. He could end up doing some real damage that your insurance won’t cover, or worse something that might harm your family. Time for him to grow up tbh

OneTiredMam · 19/02/2022 16:37

I wouldn't find it funny, he's devaluing your house and asset.

billybear · 19/02/2022 16:44

sounds worse than mine,is that evan possible, i found an older man retired builder who does a few odd jobs, did a list he went through list .paid and am so relieved to get a few simple jobs done,itys draining seeing my husband try evan a simple job i feel your pain

topcat2014 · 19/02/2022 16:44

I have zero trade skills, so make sure I earn enough to pay another man to do stuff.

Seriously, it's the way forward :)

girlmom21 · 19/02/2022 16:44

Fucking hell even I can adjust the front door and I've been known to cut myself with a screwdriver.

Just tell him or you'll be living in a death trap of a house for the next 40 years.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 16:47

The issue with your roof is enough to give me cold sweats. You simply can't sit by and allow this to continue. That leak is going to destroy your house.

ShavingTheBadger · 19/02/2022 16:48

It can devalue your house. We used to call my friend’s husband half-a-job Bob because he never finished anything. Got his act in gear when they put the house on the market and the estate agent who came to value it said - well it’s worth X, but if you finish that driveway, and replace that fence you cobbled together, and finished filing the kitchen, and finished putting up that wallpaper it could be worth Y.

powershowerforanhour · 19/02/2022 16:52

Give him a decoy project like making an outdoor Wendy house for the children, then he can wield his manly drill and bollix it up to his heart's content while you call proper tradespeople to do the proper jobs on the house.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 19/02/2022 16:55

I don't think going behind his back, and getting someone in while he's at work, is such a good idea in reality, as while he may not notice, he's still going to think he's the King of DIY, and continue doing and messing up other jobs. Just tell him 'I don't want to hurt your feelings sweetheart (or whatever your nicest name is for him), but while your cooking skills are great, I've come to the conclusion that DIY isn't your strongest suit, (be prepared with a list of jobs that he's messed up so that you have some evidence lined up) so I think we'd be better off paying someone else to do the jobs around the house, as they'd do it in half the time, and free you up to spend more time with the family, or to do his favourite hobby, or anything that he is good at'. That way you're getting the point across, but praising his other skills at the same time, which shouldn't make him feel like the failure that you're worried he will.

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2022 16:57

I wouldn’t find it at all funny - it’s such a massive waste of time and money.

LilacPaisley · 19/02/2022 17:02

Wow, someone else is married to my husband!
Then you're both married to mine. Married nearly 40 years and the jobs still aren't finished. And what is finished is amateur. I've given up trying to discuss it.

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