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AIBU?

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Original poster

First to contact friend but now regret it

43 replies

SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 09:16

So I met this friend at uni. She would disapear over the holidays. I would contact her and get no response, eventually I would find she had gone abroad. I would find this by rining her house phone. She would change her number and actually the only way of contacting her was via ringing her house number. We would arrange to meet, go for a meal, I drove. When me met we were good. We would meet for coffees at uni. So I was always the one to seek her out. I did not really register this initially. She always wanted me to take her out. She was happy meeting me. I never thought she was trying to not stay in contact.
She would come to my house, I would go to her house.
She got married and we lost contact a few years ago. I tried to message her and she disappeared. I couldn't find her home number so left it. Until recently I found her on a tutoring website. I got happy message her and we got back in contact. She arranged a meeting in the tuition website, and then didn't turn up. I got quite annoyed. Anyway then she emailed me. She actually had my email address. I had searched for her and searched. I did not have her email address as it was from uni and longer valid.

She emailed me and her message was...hi we meet up on such and such date as that's when my holidays start. Come outside where my parents live and we go for a meal.

This is probably really outing...but o dont care.

I was annoyed as it was all on her terms, and the fact she had my email and never tried to contact me. In fact my number was the same. Her was not. Now I want to just block her and delete and let her know what a shit she had been. I mean I was happy until I learnt she had my email address.

We were close as we would visit each other, eat dinner at each others houses.

Maybe I was a fool to carry on pursuing her and she was gently letting me go by not responding.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/02/2022 09:21

You're very over invested in an old acquaintance. What's most important is to build friendships now, with people who are at a similar stage of life and live near you. Whether you see an old acquaintance or not is up to you, but it won't help to put all this pressure on what's clearly from her side simply a casual relationship from the past. Focus on things you can improve in your life now, then you might be better placed to enjoy any brief catch-up when it happens.

T00Ts · 19/02/2022 09:29

I think she’s tried to let the friendship die on a few occasions. Stop chasing her now, she’s not interested. Sorry, OP.

Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 09:32

Yeah I suppose sadly you're both right. I probably tried too hard. I feel stupid for chasing someone. To be fair ahe would only agree to meet when it was suitable for her. I feel like a foolish loner. I never really took offence to her disappearing initially.

You're right though, I should focus on friendships now.

OP posts:
SweetPotatoDumpling · 19/02/2022 09:35

Why are you even bothered? Seriously...why? 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

ThatsNotMyGolem · 19/02/2022 09:37

Why on earth have you wasted so much time and energy on this woman?

HollowTalk · 19/02/2022 09:38

Don't feel foolish. You were trying to be a good friend and she sounds really flaky. I wouldn't bother getting in touch with her again. Is there something you can do to make new friends?

T00Ts · 19/02/2022 09:47

@SUZE871

Yeah I suppose sadly you're both right. I probably tried too hard. I feel stupid for chasing someone. To be fair ahe would only agree to meet when it was suitable for her. I feel like a foolish loner. I never really took offence to her disappearing initially.

You're right though, I should focus on friendships now.

You mustn’t feel foolish. Trying to maintain a friendship is a nice thing. She just isn’t interested in reciprocating it unfortunately and so I think it’s time to stop bothering.
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/02/2022 09:50

She’s not interested

Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 09:55

@HollowTalk

Don't feel foolish. You were trying to be a good friend and she sounds really flaky. I wouldn't bother getting in touch with her again. Is there something you can do to make new friends?
I have my friends who I am still in touch with, and those at work too. I have blocked and removes her. I had been really annoyed after I figured she had my email so had to send her the message saying I was supsrised she had my email and never tried to contact me. Then I blocked her.

It seems like I chased her but the truth is ...she was nice to me and I was noce to her. Like my dad passed away and I told her a story about how my dad would always get me my favourite take out on my birthday. She did that for me on my birthday. I would visit her home and would eat with her family and she would eat with mine. So we were...or I thought we were close. Oh well. Good riddance. Ot was just an old friend, and old memory I guess I tried to hold on to. Not upset. Just a bit peeved but she is no longer in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 09:57

I just wanted to know if I was being an idiot for being upset once I found out she had my email and never tried to contact me...or if it was my hormones since I'm 7 weeks pregnant.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 19/02/2022 10:14

Sounds to me as though you're cutting your nose off to spite your face with this one. You said she was nice, I'd keep it to an occasional meet up if I were you.

zingally · 19/02/2022 10:17

She's tried to let the friendship die a number of times... Personally, I'd just let her.

It can be hard to feel snubbed, I get it. But she sounds like a flake anyway. Drop your end of the rope in this emotional tug of war, and leave the next move up to her.

whysonasty · 19/02/2022 10:21

Yeah, you deserve better, OP. She’s flaky AF. Just drop it as you’ll always be the one going out of your way for her and being let down. 💐

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/02/2022 10:24

I don't understand why you have worked so hard to pursue this friendship when she has literally severed ties several times? Is she great fun and brings excitement that you don't get from your other friends? Is she a link to carefree college days?

Either way I would let the friendship go and if she was bringing something that is otherwise missing, think about easier ways to get whatever she brings.

christingle2 · 19/02/2022 10:28

Your behaviour is borderline stalking tbh, like you really have hunted her down

What I will say is that friendships don’t have to be this much hard work. If she wanted to stay in touch, she would have. She could easily have given you her number or social media but has chosen not to. This is not a normal friendship dynamic

OppsUpsSide · 19/02/2022 10:28

I think you’ve over reacted, it doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want to be your friend, just that she isn’t great at making contact. She did, after all, make the effort to find your email (I have no idea whose emails I still have??) and message you.
But, if you are affronted, prob best to let it go. I mean, you’ve blocked her now for emailing you.

Honourofgrayskull · 19/02/2022 10:40

@christingle2

Your behaviour is borderline stalking tbh, like you really have hunted her down

What I will say is that friendships don’t have to be this much hard work. If she wanted to stay in touch, she would have. She could easily have given you her number or social media but has chosen not to. This is not a normal friendship dynamic

I agree with this.

Not all friendships last forever for many reasons and it sounds as though she has really tried to put this one to bed but you've managed to track her down.

She maybe gave you the email so you'd stop other methods of tracking her in the future. All a bit weird really.

Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 11:25

I don't agree it was stalking. As it was a 'oh yeah I remember her, wonder what happened to her'. I've done that with a load of friends and I'm sure other people do? Dont they? I mean have you never wondered where a teacher went or, the kid that sat next to upu through out school went? Or even a child actor in movie went?. Of course you dont contact them. But I eventually found her and contacted her. Had she turned around and ignored me and I continued to contact her, that would be stalker ish. She then set up a meeting...she then messaged me via email, she then messaged me saying we should meet on the 19th because my school finishes. I did not reponse as I thought well, why are you so keen now when you had my email address.

So no not stalkerish. Maybe I invested too much in even bothering to find her. Bit no not stalked.

OP posts:
Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 11:28

I don't agree it was stalking. As it was a 'oh yeah I remember her, wonder what happened to her'. I've done that with a load of friends and I'm sure other people do? Dont they? I mean have you never wondered where a teacher went or, the kid that sat next to upu through out school went? Or even a child actor in movie went?. Of course you dont contact them. But I eventually found her and contacted her. Had she turned around and ignored me and I continued to contact her, that would be stalker ish. She then set up a meeting...she then messaged me via email, she then messaged me saying we should meet on the 19th because my school finishes. I did not reponse as I thought well, why are you so keen now when you had my email address.

So no not stalkerish. Maybe I invested too much in even bothering to find her. Bit no not stalked.

OP posts:
Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 11:29

No idea why that posted twice

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 19/02/2022 11:36

Let it go, let it go, let it go.
As a rule of thumb I don’t mind doing two thirds of the contacting or arranging in a friendship, any more than that doesn’t sit right with me.

newnameforthis76 · 19/02/2022 11:38

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 11:44

@newnameforthis76

You sound very needy. The friendship ran its course years ago. Take the hint, FFS.
You sound very rude. No need to be. The thread is over. I blocked her. Or do you also need to vent. Why is it working YOU up so much?
OP posts:
Original poster
SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 11:45

@CrimbleCrumble1

Let it go, let it go, let it go. As a rule of thumb I don’t mind doing two thirds of the contacting or arranging in a friendship, any more than that doesn’t sit right with me.
I agree. It didnt occur that I was making the extra effort until now.
OP posts:
PupInAPram · 19/02/2022 11:46

@christingle2

Your behaviour is borderline stalking tbh, like you really have hunted her down

What I will say is that friendships don’t have to be this much hard work. If she wanted to stay in touch, she would have. She could easily have given you her number or social media but has chosen not to. This is not a normal friendship dynamic

Borderline stalking @christingle2? That's a bit strong. I thing OP sounds like a good friend who is willing to make an effort. I wouldn't bother with your friend anymore OP. She's not worth the effort, but you sound like a good friend.